Cosine Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Hey everyone, I just stumbled across this site by just trying to find out if anyone else had this problem or has been told the same thing that my gf said to me on way she decided we should break up. So sorry for any grammatical problems in my text. I figure background info will help you help me. Ex gf is older than me 24, and I'm 20 before we started dated which was a few months,she was hesitant and said how she's getting old and is looking long term, I said that I was more about long term with girls than just short term. She also I'm positive has self esteem problems and prob a bit of depression, which is why I act like I'll state below about when we fight etc. So after about 7 months dating, really good months too, I go back to school she's 30 mins away, we just start to bicker while I'm at school and back to normal when I'm home. Anyway last night was bad we bickered etc she kept saying just rude and mean things, ( when we fight, I just let her flip out and just wait for her to finish then try to resolve anything without using vulgar language or anything, I figure by doing this it makes her get less bad) turns out she said she thinks less of me because I don't retaliate when we argue and just keep my cool. She says that I never show emotion or anger with her, and in opinion it's bad to act that way with the girl you supposedly love and care about a lot am I wrong about that? An example while we were fighting via text since I have two midterms today she said " you're so stupid like really why can't you just pathetic how you can't fight for me" I just told her I do care for you why else would I be dating you and always want to spend time with you. Her response to that is " No cosine, you're suppose to say you're the idiot gf, don't call me pathetic" something along those lines. What does that mean? is it bad I don't like fight for her approval, Haven't I already done that before we started to date and all that stuff? After that she said we're not working etc, then went on to say you're not even going to fight to get me back, and I just said look it's your decision, I'm trying to be mature about this situation, we both agreed not to waste each others time, and I intend to fulfill that promise, so if this is what you want I'll respect that and let you move on. After all that she texts me don't forget to change your facebook, and I said I said I would never break up with you unless you cheated on me because I cared about you that much, so you can change it, then an hour later last night she says it's gonna be weird when people ask questions about why we broke up what do we say etc, i said just say it didn't work out that's all im saying, she then goes on to say will you tell them you miss me? then says if you do say you miss me they will know it's all my fault. I know this is long im sorry, then says " so you don't love me cause you don't wanna fight me i guess, ps if you wanted to be me with you shouldn't have let me break up with you that wasn't a smart idea, I respond with what I said previously pretty much, she then says this isn't pretend then ended it by sending me a text and calling me a few times saying "cosine good night I miss you already" what do I do today when she calls me after work, I'm 100 percent positive she will call or text me, and she hasn't removed me from facebook or anything. I know it may seem like she's not a good person to me, but honestly she's really an amazing girlfriend to me and I know she really cared about me since all her previous boyfriends left her in debt, cheated on her and just used her. I did none of that and really was hoping things would work out with so I could (this will sound corny) graduate school, get married have kids and just live the life. Thanks for advice you guys can give me, really would appreciate anything.
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Sounds like you're a nice guy, but she wants the "bad boy" type. Since you've split up, there is no reason to talk to her any more. You can tell your friends whatever you like regarding the breakup and she can tell her friends whatever she likes. It's not your problem. Unfriend her on FB and don't have any more contact.
Author Cosine Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Sounds like you're a nice guy, but she wants the "bad boy" type. Since you've split up, there is no reason to talk to her any more. You can tell your friends whatever you like regarding the breakup and she can tell her friends whatever she likes. It's not your problem. Unfriend her on FB and don't have any more contact. Thanks I really appreciate that you say I'm nice guy, that's what i try for, but what she really believes that in order for a bf to really care for you he should be fighting for his girlfriend, I think that argument does have some merit (in her defense)? Maybe the break up wasn't really serious since, she said " this is real btw" in one of the texts, but like I feel like she should be over the bad boy phase? I mean previous boyfriends moving in with you and your parents, and then getting you in a lot of debt, and buying another phone so he can text his other gfs while he never comes home to sleep with you and stay out late, wouldn't common sense say that the bad boy thing isn't good for a healthy and long term relationship?
Don Ho Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I think you handled her correctly and maturely. Good job. She's a drama queen. "Fight for her"? 14 year old girls that live in relationship fantasy land think and act like that. At 24 she's really immature. I don't know how this "bad boy" conversation came up here. IMO you handled it like an Alpha 'hey, if you want to break up fine'. I wouldn't fall into her games of fighting with her. That is suppose to convince her that you care and want her? I would just continue doing what you're doing. She's angry because she can't manipulate you and get control over you with her tantrums. If she calls, I would just roll with it and ask her when she wants to hook up. She'll be back.
PegNosePete Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 what she really believes that in order for a bf to really care for you he should be fighting for his girlfriend, I think that argument does have some merit (in her defense)? Yes most women like their bf to be a man and stand up for them, defend them (verbally and physically), etc. Many women judge your ability to do that based on how you treat them. She says something that she knows is unacceptable (calling you stupid and pathetic), expecting you to stand up for yourself and tell her off for disrespecting you. The reasoning being, if you're not prepared to stand up to her, then you wouldn't be prepared to stand up for her against someone else. You used logic to answer her disrespectful text, which I suspect you've done many times before, but the problem is that she's not acting on logic, and regards your logical answer as a "trick" to get out of a fight. Some women would respect your intelligence and ability to defuse a situation rationally, whereas others regard it as a lack of assertiveness, leadership and self-esteem. She is clearly the latter. Maybe the break up wasn't really serious since, she said " this is real btw" in one of the texts If she wasn't serious then the breakup was another game/test for you. The strongest thing you can now do is to go NC with her. If you beg and grovel for her to take you back then she'll be proven right, that you're a doormat, and she can do whatever she likes and you'll follow her around like a puppy dog. What you need to do is show strength, and that means not accepting her irrational behaviour. but like I feel like she should be over the bad boy phase? I mean previous boyfriends moving in with you and your parents, and then getting you in a lot of debt, and buying another phone so he can text his other gfs while he never comes home to sleep with you and stay out late, wouldn't common sense say that the bad boy thing isn't good for a healthy and long term relationship? Yes that is what common sense says. Common sense also says that people should never cheat on their partners, that we shouldn't drink too much alcohol, and that eating junk food every day will make you fat. Common sense has a lot to answer for in this world!!!
carhill Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 OP, the operative thing to remember is, in aggregate, that there is nothing logical or reasonable about how women *feel*. Their 'reasoning' is merely the socialized communication of how they match up their actions with their feelings. Move on. After awhile it won't matter anymore. That's when you get healthy BTW, as an anecdote, recently, shortly after my mom died, my BMF's wife was treating me pretty badly and I called her a straight out b!tch. I later apologized to both and his words to me were, privately, 'don't let her get to you man, I know exactly how you feel'. Words of wisdom... true story. Don't let a woman's feelings and 'reasoning' interfere with your common sense and boundaries. Good luck
Author Cosine Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Alright guys, I guess I'll give this no contact a try, hope it works, thanks for your feedback.
brown03 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 OK in this same sense me and my EX broke up like 7 months ago and she never straight up said that I should fight to get her back but it really seemed like that is what she wanted. And everyone on here tells me to not fight for her and just do no contact. I have been pretty much doing NC and it doesnt seem to be working. But I have never even tried fighting for her. How do you tell when to fight and when to do NC the break up was my fault and she had every right to leave and said she thought i only loved her because she was my first and she was afraid I was going to ditch her because I was always causing argument's.
Tayla Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Some Ladies (not all mind you ) Consider the *emotional* bonding as Intimacy...I am not in total agreement to this action yet I've got friends that deliberately have arguements so they can have MAKE UP time...I often think,,,,cant you just be straight up without the hurtfulness before hand? There is something that just doesn't sit well on that level of childish bickering... Adult love acknowledges the other without the demeaning content.... As others said...you seem adult and mature in your responses to her and she just wants the arguement for the intimacy that could possibly ensue. Thank goodness you don't buy into that....
PegNosePete Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I have been pretty much doing NC and it doesnt seem to be working. You do know that the goal of NC is not a trick to "get her back", right? NC is all about you. It's helping you heal, move on, and find happiness in your life.
fabio10 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 OP, my girl said the same ' you havent even fought for me' after she dumped my sexy ass similiar to yours she is 23, well I was a fool enough to fight for her and made a grand gesture and it got me NOWHERE and made things worse, no contact is your only option now its all about you getting you to feel better not about getting her back, do it, you have handled yourself well its hard when emotions are runnning high but you did alot better than me so just make sure you dont make a mistake now.
brown03 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 You do know that the goal of NC is not a trick to "get her back", right? NC is all about you. It's helping you heal, move on, and find happiness in your life. Yeah I kinda figured that it just seemed to work for everyone else. OK so how do I get her back? All I want is for her not to cut me out of her life I will even settle for being kinda friends. How??? Sorry didn't mean to thread steal was trying to message you but can't see how.
PegNosePete Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Yeah I kinda figured that it just seemed to work for everyone else. OK so how do I get her back? All I want is for her not to cut me out of her life I will even settle for being kinda friends. How??? Sorry didn't mean to thread steal was trying to message you but can't see how. I agree with the advice that was given in your thread.
Don Ho Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Yeah I kinda figured that it just seemed to work for everyone else. OK so how do I get her back? All I want is for her not to cut me out of her life I will even settle for being kinda friends. How??? Sorry didn't mean to thread steal was trying to message you but can't see how. There is no plan for getting her back. NC MIGHT work, but I wouldn't count on it and that's not the point of it anyway. You would settle for even being kinda friends?? WTH? Bro are you a doormat? You would really settle for that? Sounds like this is part of the reason that she dumped you.
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