Man: Lost on island?

[Cratsky]

We were together 6 years. Last 2yrs were bad enough to result in a 4 month break and a stint in relationship counselling. I couldn’t figure out how two people who wanted it so badly couldn’t seem to make it work.

 

A month ago he told me he didn't see this working out long term because he doesn't know who he is. He has on-going anger/control/insecurity issues and felt that I shouldn't have to walk on egg-shells anymore. He stated that he could not pretend to invest in us if he was struggling to stop himself from lashing out all the time. On top of this, he is in a career he hates and could see that he was failing in his attempts to make me happy as he was fundamentally miserable. Fair enough.

 

It ended amicably. No hard feelings on both sides. He stated that he loved me, wanted to be with me but not right now. I encouraged him to go do whatever he needs to, date other people, have fun etc and he disagreed. He said he's committed to staying single until he figures out who he is/what he wants, and that I will be the first person he contacts when he does. I should add, he promised this last statement. And he never makes promises lightly.

 

Let's be clear, I am not waiting on a 'what if he sorts himself' situation. I am a realist above all things. For the first week, I cried but now I'm actually honestly relieved. It did feel like walking on egg-shells all the time Looking back on it (even only after a month of being single again), I can tell that the distance between us started to grow in our 3rd year as that is when I'd started changing the way I would say/do things just to avoid his anger. I sort of lost myself. He would try his best to hold his anger in but it was like putting pressure into a sealed bottle. We all know what happens eventually. Yes, I thought about leaving then but as always I hoped it would get better. It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t amazing either.

 

And I made mistakes too. So the fault lies with both parties here.

 

Right now, I’m pleasantly surprised at how free I feel. I’m hitting the gym, seeing friends and honestly feel like the future is brighter. There are moments I do look back and regret that the hopes I had for us are now gone but if he does come through, sort himself out and contact me again, I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens then. We were great friends before getting involved and it would be a shame to throw that away.

 

When I saw him last week after a month of no contact, he was upset. I was actually quite okay. He stated he hadn’t been sleeping well, and how he’s had to continue pretending to be happy at work functions/friends parties because he wasn’t ready to be alone and miserable at home. That’s never a nice feeling.

 

Anyways, I’m just venting. Open to any thoughts/opinions you might have though. I know that sometimes no matter how much you hope to change someone or want to make it work; they have to want to change themselves first. You can’t make someone love you and the best decision might be to simply let it be and remain open to whatever might happen in the future.

[lisakoen]

hey cratsky, i think you answer most of your questions yourself. you seem to be pretty smart. my suggestion, you've come this far, move on, he's got lotsa issues he needs to deal with, also sounds like he has loads of baggage aswell.

It seems to me that he wants to put you in a waiting room until his done seeing the doctor. I like what you are doing hanging out with friends and going to gym. like i said before, you seem to be a pretty smart lady, make the proper choice and move on..... good luck!

[valpre]

The fact that you say you feel relieved says to me that this is the right decision for both of you. You deserve a relationship where you don't feel like you need to compromise yourself just to avoid his anger issues.

 

Him walking away and staying single and working on himself is admirable. But as you say, you can't wait around for him either.

 

Enjoy finding yourself again!

[Cratsky]

Is this what they mean by stages of grief? Just adding that today I actually felt like screaming. Yes, I do fundamentally feel sorry for people who are lost in that way but at the same time I'm recalling all the times I sat there, trying to think of an appropriate thing to say despite knowing he would get angry anyway.

 

I compromised my fierce opinionated, intellectual self to play nice for some man who made me feel terrible for 'being so hurtful'. I can't believe I honestly thought I was being mean just for stating an opinion when the entire time he was playing the emotional card by being extremely insecure and needing validation.

 

Right now I am picturing him with another woman who is absolutely psychotic, and hoping she will show him precisely what he put me through.

 

I'll refrain from what other mean things I'm thinking but thanks for listening to me vent. Can't believe I actually convinced myself that it would ever work with someone with such deep seeded issues. I wanted to FIX him. Oh, how silly that was to think.

 

I know I'll get past this stage but damn. It's liberating to finally be feeling this anger when I'd been so unsure of myself for the last few years.

[Fern]

I tried to 'fix' mine too - all I did was emasculate him and turn myself into his mother instead of his lover. Someone can have all the potential in the world, but it's not our job to bring that out of them. If he's going to become a better person - he'll do that on his own time. If he's not going to grow up and evolve, he's no loss in the long run.

 

I've decided to look on it that there was a lesson that I needed to learn and the Universe provided that lesson for me. I'll be grateful to him in the future, I'm sure. I could have been stuck in that deeply unsatisfying relationship forever, trying and trying and never getting anything back but negativity. I'll become a better person - he'll just keep making the same mistakes forever. Which is a pity, because he has all the potential in the world to be a good man.