my partner has left me for another guy: what are the chances that will it work out?

[Fern]

It's a good sign of getting over my ex. Though, I don't want to act on it: I want this guy as a friend, I don't want to hurt him, and I know for sure he doesn't have any feelings for me (he does think I am hot though!). He is interested in someone else...

 

You're being careful with your heart. That's good too. Are you enjoying the feeling or is it bothering you? I hope you're feeling good about it.

 

 

It's certainly not your last chance. I've thought that so lots of times before, and it has never been true. Do you know why you find it irritating? Is it that you are not ready, or is it something that he is doing? You've mentioned before that he is being a bit "full on"?

 

Yeah, I know logically I'll feel attracted to other people again eventually. I just have to keep reminding myself of that on my bad days.

The new guy is too full on AND I'm just not ready yet - so it's a bit of both. My gut instinct with him is that there's something not quite right there. He's so full on it's off-putting. I'm quite a logical, level-headed person and I'm uncomfortable about so much romantic claptrap coming from someone who barely knows me. I wonder if this is something that has 'worked' for him in the past or if he's one of these people who only likes the beginning of things. I could be wrong, but I've decided to trust my gut. He's currently on holiday and I don't want to ruin that, so I'm going to break it off with him when he gets home. If he IS for real then stringing him along is cruel, if he is - as my gut instinct tells me - full of **** or has some 'issues' of his own, then I'm better off out of it anyway. I'm just not feeling it with him right now. That's the long and short of it. I'm trying to be careful with his heart.

[melenkurion]

That's good too. Are you enjoying the feeling or is it bothering you? I hope you're feeling good about it.

 

Mostly, I'm enjoying it. I've ended up spending a lot of time with him over this weekend, with rehearsals and a dinner invite that was for both of us, and I have enjoyed it. He certainly likes my company, and that is a nice feeling. It's been great not to be thinking of my ex, that really has been a very pleasant change. My ex seems very far away, just right now. Actor chappie has feelings for someone else, however, so I am very wary. He's also trusted me with a couple of bits of info that suggest "issues".

 

If he IS for real then stringing him along is cruel, if he is - as my gut instinct tells me - full of **** or has some 'issues' of his own, then I'm better off out of it anyway.

 

I can't really argue with that. I hope it goes well. To look at it pragmatically, it does sound like you have learned something from that experience?

[Fern]

If you get even a HINT of something not right, be careful. I ended things with my guy on Thursday when he got back from his holiday and then spent Friday and Saturday dealing with the fallout from that. He's 'devastated' apparently (bear in mind we went on ONE date and I warned him several times he was making me uncomfortable by being so full on so early) and he tried to make me feel guilty that he 'stayed celibate' on holiday. I didn't ask him to stay celibate. Honestly - I'm not sure how I ended up in a position where I had to DUMP someone after one date and a month of increasingly over-familiar texts. He's living in fantasy-land.

 

Anyway - I was terribly nice and soothing and blamed everything on my recent breakup - although it has as much to do with him giving me the heebie jeebies, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings or hit his 'stalker' button. I thought we had it sorted on Saturday - parted on good terms, I told him I'd look him up in the future if I'm ever in his part of the world and feeling better, he was fine with that. Boy was I wrong. He sent a HUGE bunch of flowers to my work today with a message that makes me think the ONLY thing he heard when I told him why I was cutting him loose was me telling him 'I might regret this in the future and you'll already be moved on, life is like that'. I told him EXPLICITLY that I was ending it because it was moving too fast and I wasn't ready. That I was only looking for some fun and didn't want to hurt him. So what does he do? He keeps trying to act all romantic and force the issue.

 

I'm actually a little bit freaked out. I've decided to ignore it for the time being. I can't BELIEVE he would send me flowers after our conversations on Friday and Saturday. I never suspected he was a tiny bit crazy. Thank God he lives several hundred miles away. Trust your gut, Melen!

[melenkurion]

I'm actually a little bit freaked out. I've decided to ignore it for the time being. I can't BELIEVE he would send me flowers after our conversations on Friday and Saturday. I never suspected he was a tiny bit crazy. Thank God he lives several hundred miles away. Trust your gut, Melen!

 

Oh my! That is a bit much after effectively only one date... Definitely right to have ended it. You are nowhere near ready for that kind of stuff. That staying celibate on holiday thing just sounds odd, to me, as well. Once you're older than about 20, I thought you didn't really go on holiday to get laid?

 

Still. It shows how easy it is to find someone VERY interested in you. OK, this one was way to much. But still.

 

As for me and ActorGuy, I am being very careful. I'm not what he really wants, anyway. I did get a hint that he might consider me as a "sensible option" (hah!) His issues are something I've came across a few times before: he's only just come to terms with his sexuality a little late in life, within the last few months. In my experience, that could get a bit messy while he is enjoying certain new options I guess... A sense of liberation, being let off the leash. Good for him, but I had probably best keep a safe distance.

[melenkurion]

On Saturday I got a phonecall from my ex's parents. We are pretty close, and it's been rather hurtful not being able to be in contact with them as much as I would want to. My ex went bats**t insane when he found out I called them once.

 

Mostly, it was pretty much OK, they just asked how I was, what I had been gettign on, and I did the same. We laughed about stuff, and it was like talking to friends.

 

Unfortunately, his mum did ask me "I know this isn't going to happen, but if things did change, do you think you'd ever take him back?". I said "not a chance" as gently as I possibly could. His Dad also was very keen to tell me that he is convinced his darling boy will regret this bitterly one day. It was pretty clear that his parents are almost having more difficulty accepting the breakup than I am.

 

That was OK, I needed a hug after getting off the phone and I did rather wonder what prompted "would you take him back?", but on the whole I had other things on my mind that day.

 

Last night I got a call from I think the only friend I have who is still on good terms with my ex. I haven't been in that much contact with him, but I recently did him a favour (fed his pets for a weekend) and he was arranging a meal to thank me. Alas I wasn't prepared for his call, and I did get a bit of an Info Dump that I wasn't ready for. I need to be stronger to say "STOP" when I hear it coming. But anyway, once his contract is up on his flat (about two months from now), he intends to move in with OtherGuy. "It just feels so right", apparently.

 

I feel really low and really angry, I am shaking now. Why? I don't want him back. I knew this day was coming eventually. I even knew there was a chance it might be soon. I thought I was almost over him. I find myself missing him like crazy, and that has come from nowhere. I barely gave him a thought

 

I also think that was one of the reasons his parents phoned. I think they genuinely did care and wanted to see how I was, however. Only a small part of the conversation was about my ex. However, I guess that they don't expect it to last with OG, they were adamant that they don't even want to meet him. They probably think it is way too soon (six months of a relationship) to be moving in together, and they think he'll be back to them cap in hand once more fairly soon... And all that rubbish he spouted to me about it being time to make it on his own?

[Fern]

 

Last night I got a call from I think the only friend I have who is still on good terms with my ex. I haven't been in that much contact with him, but I recently did him a favour (fed his pets for a weekend) and he was arranging a meal to thank me. Alas I wasn't prepared for his call, and I did get a bit of an Info Dump that I wasn't ready for. I need to be stronger to say "STOP" when I hear it coming. But anyway, once his contract is up on his flat (about two months from now), he intends to move in with OtherGuy. "It just feels so right", apparently.

 

I feel really low and really angry, I am shaking now. Why? I don't want him back. I knew this day was coming eventually. I even knew there was a chance it might be soon. I thought I was almost over him. I find myself missing him like crazy, and that has come from nowhere. I barely gave him a thought

 

I also think that was one of the reasons his parents phoned. I think they genuinely did care and wanted to see how I was, however. Only a small part of the conversation was about my ex. However, I guess that they don't expect it to last with OG, they were adamant that they don't even want to meet him. They probably think it is way too soon (six months of a relationship) to be moving in together, and they think he'll be back to them cap in hand once more fairly soon... And all that rubbish he spouted to me about it being time to make it on his own?

 

Oh Melen. I'm so sorry you had to hear that. Just remember the bad feelings will pass. They always do eventually. You'll get used to this new development and start moving forward again. It's still horrible though, I know. I found myself missing my own ex like crazy - possibly for the first time since the split - on Valentine's night. I've been concentrating so much on all the bad things about him that on Valentines, when I let myself think about and remember the (few and far between) good things he did for me and said to me - it was a real shock to my system. But maybe I needed it. Like ripping off a plaster. Let it sting and don't struggle against the pain and then let it subside.

 

Your ex is NOT going to have it all with this new guy. I know it feels that way now, but you're not inside their relationship - you don't know the bad parts, you only torture yourself with IMAGINARY good stuff. I do the same. I wish I could give you a hug right now. You'll get through this. There are more good days than bad this weather, aren't there? *virtual hugs*

[melenkurion]

Thanks Fern...

 

I am a bit calmer now. I am very annoyed with myself for letting this upset me so much. I thought I was less bothered by what they were up to. It shows that even though I was telling myself I no longer cared about the strength or otherwise of their relationship, I must have been kidding myself. When things first kicked off, I had in my mind a date of around February when the cracks would start to show in their relationship. I must still have had that idiotic timetable in my head.

 

I found myself missing my own ex like crazy - possibly for the first time since the split - on Valentine's night. I've been concentrating so much on all the bad things about him that on Valentines, when I let myself think about and remember the (few and far between) good things he did for me and said to me - it was a real shock to my system. But maybe I needed it. Like ripping off a plaster. Let it sting and don't struggle against the pain and then let it subside.

 

Aye, that day can be pretty horrible. I hope it was cathartic, maybe? Let those feelings bubble to the surface, and let them go. How are you feeling about it today?

 

Your ex is NOT going to have it all with this new guy. I know it feels that way now, but you're not inside their relationship - you don't know the bad parts, you only torture yourself with IMAGINARY good stuff. I do the same.

 

Yes. I have absolutely no idea what is going on. It could be wonderful, it could be horrible. I have no idea. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it does not matter.

 

In my higher consciousness, I KNOW it doesn't matter. They are the very last two people in the world I should give any thought to. My happiness is my responsibility, and mine alone. Hopefully the amygdalae will catch up sooner or later.

[melenkurion]

It's been a busy couple of weeks. I've been in a show and that has taken up most of my free time these last two weeks. It's been great to have something so involving to keep me busy. Now it's over, I do feel a bit flat.

 

I hadn't really thought about my ex much at all, and now all of a sudden he is there in my head. In part, I think it is the change of season. We were both into plants and gardening, and the first signs of spring flowers, that kind of thing, that really makes me remember what we were doing last year. Two days ago, I was back to the blazing anger at him that I was feeling around about Christmas.

 

I suppose I thought I would be doing better, by now. I am looking back to my last major life event: when my father died, 5 months later I was doing a lot better at getting over my grief than I am here. I'd finished my university finals at that time, and thoughts of my Dad were not intrusive. Sure, I missed him and I was quite sad. But with this it still feels like it's not happened that long ago. I still feel like I haven't made a huge amount of progress.

 

One thing that worries me is that my new friend Actor Boy is hanging round a lot. It's now very clear we ain't ever gonna get together, and that is very much for the best. I shouldn't be with anyone for a long, long time. But we are both - for different reasons - rather vulnerable right now. I am not sure we are good for each other, but it's comforting having him over. He stays over in my spare room I dunno, three nights a week. I am not sure that is healthy? I'm trying to replace my ex, in some way, the bits of him that I really miss (reliable companionship)? A friend mentioned to me they even look a bit alike. I don't badger him to stay, he asks and I am more than happy. It kinda started out as a convenience thing from the rehearsals that we'd meet at mine, eat there, get changed there and go back there. It's helping me at the moment, but I wonder if I am falling back into old patterns.

[melenkurion]

[sorry, duplicate post by mistake]

Edited March 4, 2011 by melenkurion
duplicate post

[Fern]

It's been a busy couple of weeks. I've been in a show and that has taken up most of my free time these last two weeks. It's been great to have something so involving to keep me busy. Now it's over, I do feel a bit flat.

 

I hadn't really thought about my ex much at all, and now all of a sudden he is there in my head. In part, I think it is the change of season. We were both into plants and gardening, and the first signs of spring flowers, that kind of thing, that really makes me remember what we were doing last year. Two days ago, I was back to the blazing anger at him that I was feeling around about Christmas.

 

I suppose I thought I would be doing better, by now. I am looking back to my last major life event: when my father died, 5 months later I was doing a lot better at getting over my grief than I am here. I'd finished my university finals at that time, and thoughts of my Dad were not intrusive. Sure, I missed him and I was quite sad. But with this it still feels like it's not happened that long ago. I still feel like I haven't made a huge amount of progress.

 

One thing that worries me is that my new friend Actor Boy is hanging round a lot. It's now very clear we ain't ever gonna get together, and that is very much for the best. I shouldn't be with anyone for a long, long time. But we are both - for different reasons - rather vulnerable right now. I am not sure we are good for each other, but it's comforting having him over. He stays over in my spare room I dunno, three nights a week. I am not sure that is healthy? I'm trying to replace my ex, in some way, the bits of him that I really miss (reliable companionship)? A friend mentioned to me they even look a bit alike. I don't badger him to stay, he asks and I am more than happy. It kinda started out as a convenience thing from the rehearsals that we'd meet at mine, eat there, get changed there and go back there. It's helping me at the moment, but I wonder if I am falling back into old patterns.

 

Two full weeks with hardly a thought of him sounds like progress to me. I think when you have a down day, Melen, you underestimate how far you've come. I'm still angry too sometimes. Of course we're still angry - the two people we loved and supported did a TERRIBLE thing to us. Someone who hasn't experienced it can't understand how debilitating and demoralising it is to be cheated on and discarded like that. Angry is better than pining. Count your blessings - at least you're not in the Second Chances forum writing posts about how to get him back. I'll take angry over that anyday. Give yourself a break.

I don't think an hour goes by when I don't think of my ex at least once. But it hurts so much less now. Really, it hardly hurts at all.

 

I don't see anything wrong with you having a friend who stays over. I have a flatmate - one of my best friends since school, we've known each other nearly 20 years and honestly - having her offer to let me move in a month after my split saved my life. SAVED MY LIFE. Humans are social animals, everyone needs reliable companionship. That's why we have friendships. Being single doesn't mean you have to live alone all the time. Unless him staying over starts to bug you I wouldn't worry. You're not sleeping with him and don't appear to be harbouring any ulterior motives to that effect so what's the harm in your friend hanging out?

 

I was out last night with some friends who're also friends with the ex-fiancee of the New Girl and he was there. It's the first time I've ever had a proper conversation with him and he's LOVELY. We chatted all night about books and music and our jobs and all sorts of things (anything but our exes basically) and were getting on like a house on fire when my Ex and NG turned up at the bar. She looked DISGUSTED to see me sitting knee to knee with the father of her child. Hahaha! It made my night.

 

My ex did something REALLY weird too. We haven't spoken in months and at a party last weekend he blanked me completely. Acted like I was invisible. But last night he came over to tell me that my best male friend had just been told about a death in the family and was upstairs in the same bar in a really bad state, crying and stuff. Of course I took off like a shot to find him and when I DID find him he was fine! A little bit sad, obviously but he wasn't sobbing into his drink or anything. He seemed really shocked I was worried about him. So I chatted to him for a while and gave him a few hugs and then went back downstairs to my friends. As I was passing my ex to leave (he was standing by the door watching the band) he STROKED MY HAIR. I totally ignored it, of course. He really is beyond insane.

[melenkurion]

Two full weeks with hardly a thought of him sounds like progress to me. I think when you have a down day, Melen, you underestimate how far you've come. I'm still angry too sometimes. Of course we're still angry - the two people we loved and supported did a TERRIBLE thing to us. Someone who hasn't experienced it can't understand how debilitating and demoralising it is to be cheated on and discarded like that. Angry is better than pining. Count your blessings - at least you're not in the Second Chances forum writing posts about how to get him back. I'll take angry over that anyday. Give yourself a break.

 

Heh, that's true. I've had a pretty charmed life till now, I suppose, so this is the worst thing that has ever been done to me. It's no wonder I still get angry about it. Even when I miss him (like I do today), I don't want him back.

 

I don't think an hour goes by when I don't think of my ex at least once. But it hurts so much less now. Really, it hardly hurts at all.

 

That's great! You've come a long, long way.

 

I don't see anything wrong with you having a friend who stays over. I have a flatmate - one of my best friends since school, we've known each other nearly 20 years and honestly - having her offer to let me move in a month after my split saved my life. SAVED MY LIFE. Humans are social animals, everyone needs reliable companionship. That's why we have friendships. Being single doesn't mean you have to live alone all the time. Unless him staying over starts to bug you I wouldn't worry. You're not sleeping with him and don't appear to be harbouring any ulterior motives to that effect so what's the harm in your friend hanging out?

 

Well, I really hope that I don't have ulterior motives, but at one stage it looked like we might have become a little more than friends. Luckily that's burnt out pretty quickly. It was an intense crush, basically... I think it's safe enough, now. We know where we stand. But it's enough to make me pause, a little. I don't want to be "creepy dude"!

 

I was out last night with some friends who're also friends with the ex-fiancee of the New Girl and he was there. It's the first time I've ever had a proper conversation with him and he's LOVELY. We chatted all night about books and music and our jobs and all sorts of things (anything but our exes basically) and were getting on like a house on fire when my Ex and NG turned up at the bar. She looked DISGUSTED to see me sitting knee to knee with the father of her child. Hahaha! It made my night.

 

hahahaha! Hilarious. It's nice that you were able to talk to him NOT about them at all. They will be so self-absorbed that they'll think that they were all you talked about. Doubly funny. How is he coping with the situation? Other Girl left him for your ex, I believe?

 

 

My ex did something REALLY weird too. We haven't spoken in months and at a party last weekend he blanked me completely. Acted like I was invisible. But last night he came over to tell me that my best male friend had just been told about a death in the family and was upstairs in the same bar in a really bad state, crying and stuff. Of course I took off like a shot to find him and when I DID find him he was fine! A little bit sad, obviously but he wasn't sobbing into his drink or anything. He seemed really shocked I was worried about him. So I chatted to him for a while and gave him a few hugs and then went back downstairs to my friends. As I was passing my ex to leave (he was standing by the door watching the band) he STROKED MY HAIR. I totally ignored it, of course. He really is beyond insane.

 

Bonkers. Was the new girl there to see that? And I wonder what he was playing at giving you slightly duff info. Not an out and out lie, sorta plausibly deniable "He seemed really upset to me". But not honest.

[Rose T]

Hey melen, good to hear your update. You know, we hope to achieve certain things by certain dates but it's all just guesswork, and that's fine, I think! I had visions I'd be dating by March and I'm actually a bit further back in my personal time-line, but that's ok. It's all ok in fact - the anger, the memories, the feelings. Without that your brain won't properly rewire, I guess, replacing good associations with less pleasurable associations with your ex. Amazingly, even that takes a long time. I think that's why so many of us suffer for so long, but it requires patience and perspective - both of which you seem to have in spades.

 

About your friendship situation, I'll just share a little story of mine, I've recently developed a close friendship with a girl (I'm heterosexual, she's bi) and there was a wierd crush dynamic, lots of nights out together - I even offered putting her up as she's thinking about moving to my city - but then I suddenly stepped back as it felt like a slightly wierd couply pattern, even though it's clearly not going anywhere. Now she's not moving in and we see each other from time to time - I feel like that's put a boundary back in place that I'm happier with and I hope that our friendship will continue at a calmer pace.

 

I think as long as you're being self-aware about the dynamic you shouldn't worry too much, also because companionship is important, and enjoying being around people and testing your own levels of attraction and attractiveness is a really important phase. Now that the show's over, maybe he'll stay over less naturally and that will feel like a better boundary for you? Either way, as long as the friendship isn't stopping you meeting other people and brings positive experiences to your life, I'd just enjoy it.

 

 

Fern!! Your ex is definitely starting to torture himself a bit over you, isn't he? lol! I think it all stemmed from that nice email you sent about his Mum's anniversary... Like a true GIGS professional, he's definitely peering back over the fence at the grass he left behind now his new relationship is getting ordinary. From what you've said, I doubt he'd have the guts to go beyond the hair-stroking phase (!) but I have to say, I wouldn't want to be in new girl's shoes! You keep going out and looking fabulous.

Edited March 4, 2011 by Rose T

[melenkurion]

I hadn't made any contact whatsoever since 9th December. I caved over a bill he wasn't paying.

 

I feel pretty rubbish, I made a thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t269181/

[melenkurion]

I had something of a breakdown in my counsellor's office this morning, and she packed me off to my GP. I've been giving sleeping pills and told to take a couple of days off. I am having terrible trouble calming down over his latest stunt. I stayed over at a mate's for the last couple of nights, and my racing heart rate and inability to calm down scared him rather.

 

It's set me off on the stupid stuff I thought I had left behind months ago. I noticed a mutual friend I have known for 8 years having a conversation with him on the Book of Faces. He has obviously blocked me on his brand new profile, but I could tell because she was addressing him by name though his side of the conversation wasn't showing. She'd invited him and Other Guy over for dinner on Saturday. I know, that website, it's the tool of the devil. I am an idiot for caring. Anyway. She has befriended Other Guy on there, and yet she has never been to see me once since the breakup, or invited me round. It really upsets me, that. Up till now, I saw it that she didn't want to get involved, and fair enough. But she has invited Other Guy to her house, when she hasn't ever invited me post-breakup. When she was laid up with back trouble in hospital, it was me that came to see her with flowers and choccies. Not my ex. Eight years of friendship mean nothing to her. Grrrrrr. That facebook crap, I am way too old to let this stuff bother me, and yet I have allowed it to. I had best steer clear of that for a while, then. For months, it was fine, since he had deleted himself.

 

I know: it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it does not matter.

 

Once I recover from this I know I will get on with things. Once my head clears, any last hint of attachment to him will be gone. All that will be left will be disgust.

 

But then: that's not healthy, is it? everything I read says that I need to be able to somehow forgive him in order to heal. At the moment I feel a million miles away from being able to forgive him. I have an idea that what is meant by "forgiveness" as is needed to heal isn't quite my understanding of forgiveness. It's a letting go? One of my failings is that I am extremely forgiving, up to a certain point, but once a line is crossed I have pretty much never been able to forgive someone.

 

About ten days ago, someone said I was holding onto my rage out of a fear of letting go of him, and the rage is pretty much all I have left of him. He said my pushing the ex out of my thoughts was still a sign of denial. I couldn't really agree with that. The fact is that I try and avoid thoughts of my ex because they cause me such pain and anger. I am trying to break an addiction that was terribly, terribly bad for me. While I am still vulnerable to the thing to which I was addicted, then I avoid it at all costs.

 

I thought of it as being about avoiding triggers, not about me repressing things. But it's possible I am holding on to the anger: I tell myself so often that none of this is my fault. Why is it so important to me that I am not to blame? It's over with now, there is nothing I can do to change the past. I ought to be trying to get back on course.

 

I feel almost back to the beginning of it all.

[Rose T]

Hey Melen, hang in there. Today would have been my five year anniversary with my ex, it's also a public holiday here LOL so I'm at home alone watching the rain outside. So you're not alone.

 

Facebook has been tearing me up too for different reasons - I see all my contemporaries married with kids and feel like a failure. But Facebook is such a superficial filter - you have no real sense of anyone's lives on there and I'm learning to stay away.

 

I understand that your mutual friend inviting the ex and Other Guy over has made you mad. It's been happening a bit with my ex. One thing I realised in the break-up, the scariest part, was not only losing a partner, but dismantling many other (good) relationships I had, with his family, mutual friends, even his colleagues. At one point it really felt like I was back to one - just one person, without connections - going on alone.

 

At some point, though, I also realised the strength in that. People pass in and out of our lives - very few relationships, in the broadest sense, stay for a long time. But there's a strength and a power in being able to stand alone and quite literally, to stand yourself.

 

I think you need to stop blaming yourself for what happened and concentrate on forgiving yourself for the break-up. Forgiving him will come when that happens. It's been the hardest thing for me, even though I've been quite angry towards my ex I've realised that a lot of it is anger at myself for allowing myself to stay in a relationship which I knew was flawed. The madness is over, Melen. You're back in control. You need to take a look at yourself and love what you are, what you're capable of, what you can become.

 

Try and understand what you did in your relationship, how you behaved, what you need to improve in the future - for yourself - but above all, be kind to yourself. Make new friends. Do new things. Don't check Facebook for a while, unless you really need it for your social life. I suspect you don't.

 

But relish your abilities, your potential. Try and love your life - little corners of it, a coffee in a nice cafe, a walk by the river, a friend you can rely on. The shows that you love. You have a new life to build which is scary but amazing. You choose what you put in it - which kinds of friends, which kinds of activities, and above all, the direction. It's all yours now. I know you don't feel it at the moment but you have so much ahead of you and you have to believe in that. Take care.

[0hpenelope]

I had something of a breakdown in my counsellor's office this morning, and she packed me off to my GP. I've been giving sleeping pills and told to take a couple of days off. I am having terrible trouble calming down over his latest stunt. I stayed over at a mate's for the last couple of nights, and my racing heart rate and inability to calm down scared him rather.

 

It's set me off on the stupid stuff I thought I had left behind months ago. I noticed a mutual friend I have known for 8 years having a conversation with him on the Book of Faces. He has obviously blocked me on his brand new profile, but I could tell because she was addressing him by name though his side of the conversation wasn't showing. She'd invited him and Other Guy over for dinner on Saturday. I know, that website, it's the tool of the devil. I am an idiot for caring. Anyway. She has befriended Other Guy on there, and yet she has never been to see me once since the breakup, or invited me round. It really upsets me, that. Up till now, I saw it that she didn't want to get involved, and fair enough. But she has invited Other Guy to her house, when she hasn't ever invited me post-breakup. When she was laid up with back trouble in hospital, it was me that came to see her with flowers and choccies. Not my ex. Eight years of friendship mean nothing to her. Grrrrrr. That facebook crap, I am way too old to let this stuff bother me, and yet I have allowed it to. I had best steer clear of that for a while, then. For months, it was fine, since he had deleted himself.

I know what you're saying about mutual friends. And after assessing my feelings, reading, and thinking on my past and current relationships, the common theme to the division of relationships is this: in general, people will choose to stick with the one that has the "lighter" load to help carry. That's just the way most people work and yeah, it comes from those you least expect it to.

 

When I came to that realization, I was so hurt. I'm really not the kind of person to give up on people and I do give second chances, so why can't they afford to do the same with me? It does chip away at some of my self-esteem, but then I realized that I'm putting that friend on a pedestal and I have other friendships I can nurture. I'm not angry or bitter about their choices and I let them go, but I know that I'm not as eager to hear from them, either. In fact, I'd rather that they stay away because I'm re-building my life without them and I'm learning my new norm. And from these, I learned not to hold on to people too tightly. I won't share the same bond with others, but the new bonds with new friends aren't "lesser" in comparison.

 

This is temporary, mel. I know you'll surpass this, too. That friend that you stayed with? Him and the other friends you have that care are the ones who are worth your time, effort, and other emotional investments from you.

 

I know: it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it does not matter.

For now, it matters. Even though I'd rather skip the ugly parts of healing, they're also so, so important. I'm so happy that you're not blocking it or shutting down from it, and I'm even happier that you're not staying in it. Healing requires proactive effort. Feel it, don't block it out, and then rebound.

 

Eventually, thinking of your ex will not matter again. I experienced a minor setback when my ex came back on the Book of Faces (I LOVE IT, MEL! You still have a sense of humor in spite of all of this and that's how I know you will be okay! :)) and hasn't gone through the courtesy of taking me off of his Facebook friends. Seeing him there made me wonder why he's using it again and I'm working on getting it out of my system because to me, in any other day, "it's JUST Facebook fer cryin' out loud!"

 

It doesn't matter. Their actions don't matter at all. You'll get back to this thinking, you will.

 

Once I recover from this I know I will get on with things. Once my head clears, any last hint of attachment to him will be gone. All that will be left will be disgust.

 

But then: that's not healthy, is it? everything I read says that I need to be able to somehow forgive him in order to heal. At the moment I feel a million miles away from being able to forgive him. I have an idea that what is meant by "forgiveness" as is needed to heal isn't quite my understanding of forgiveness. It's a letting go? One of my failings is that I am extremely forgiving, up to a certain point, but once a line is crossed I have pretty much never been able to forgive someone.

I find forgiveness to be an interesting concept. It seems that people assess what it means to them in different ways. For my part, the ex that "brought" me to Loveshack? I just stopped caring and how I feel doesn't quite fit the definition of the word. I will never be "okay" with him. In the unlikely chance that our paths cross again, I won't even bat an eyelash. I'll even hold eye contact until he looks away first.

 

The recent ex, my sense of forgiveness feels different from the previous ex.

 

About ten days ago, someone said I was holding onto my rage out of a fear of letting go of him, and the rage is pretty much all I have left of him. He said my pushing the ex out of my thoughts was still a sign of denial. I couldn't really agree with that. The fact is that I try and avoid thoughts of my ex because they cause me such pain and anger. I am trying to break an addiction that was terribly, terribly bad for me. While I am still vulnerable to the thing to which I was addicted, then I avoid it at all costs.

I don't think it's about holding on to rage, too. It really just takes time to get all of the negative feelings out of our systems. And pushing something that makes us feel bad out of our thoughts, I see it as your attempts at re-directing your thoughts. It's the same thing in that you let yourself feel what you're feeling, until one day you decide for yourself "I really don't want to feel this anymore."

 

I thought of it as being about avoiding triggers, not about me repressing things. But it's possible I am holding on to the anger: I tell myself so often that none of this is my fault. Why is it so important to me that I am not to blame? It's over with now, there is nothing I can do to change the past. I ought to be trying to get back on course.

 

I feel almost back to the beginning of it all.

You are on course, mel. You said you feel almost back to the beginning, but I interpreted it as an assessment that the beginning was worse. Right? So you feel bad right now, but you won't feel like this forever.

[Movingthrough]

There's not a chance in hell I would have him back, now.

 

These situations still boggle my mind, and while i know its emotions, i think its crazy how WE (i have done this too) do this to each other.

 

We know in our heads that the feeling would never be the same, but its so hard to let go of. When people give it another chance they rarely think about how weird its going to be. No matter how much we hurt over them, we know the feelings could never be the same, especially with cheaters.

 

In my situation i dont know if my ex cheated but it wouldnt surprise me, and it sucks but that once a cheater always a cheater stuff seems pretty accurate. I guess overall if love was such an easy coming and easy going feeling, then what would be the point, thats why its so hard to let go of.

 

It will get better, im on about the 8 month mark now and the best way i can explain it is she just doesnt hold alot of "clout" in my head anymore, you do hit a point where you are just like, ehhh i dont want that.

[Fern]

I had something of a breakdown in my counsellor's office this morning, and she packed me off to my GP. I've been giving sleeping pills and told to take a couple of days off. I am having terrible trouble calming down over his latest stunt. I stayed over at a mate's for the last couple of nights, and my racing heart rate and inability to calm down scared him rather.

 

Oh, Melen. I hope you're okay. Take it easy and rest up. I'm glad you have good friends to take care of you through this.

 

Once I recover from this I know I will get on with things. Once my head clears, any last hint of attachment to him will be gone. All that will be left will be disgust.

 

But then: that's not healthy, is it? everything I read says that I need to be able to somehow forgive him in order to heal. At the moment I feel a million miles away from being able to forgive him. I have an idea that what is meant by "forgiveness" as is needed to heal isn't quite my understanding of forgiveness. It's a letting go? One of my failings is that I am extremely forgiving, up to a certain point, but once a line is crossed I have pretty much never been able to forgive someone.

 

I don't know that I'll ever 'forgive' my Ex. I used to think I would eventually and that someday we might be friends. But the further I move from the relationship the less I want to be his friend. Having him in my life wasn't offering me very much and I've seen how he is with his friends. Why would I want to inflict that on myself? He's selfish and cowardly and he doesn't deserve my forgiveness. So I may never forgive him - but I'm starting to not care. I don't know how to explain it. I wouldn't claim that I'm over it completely but the longer I'm out of it the quicker the healing seems to come and the less I care about what he did.

 

Sometimes I think I obsessed so much that I just got sick of it. I know it's hard to bear the thought of him and the OG being happy and love's young dream after the damage they did to you. God do I know that feeling. I still have the low calorie version of THAT particular obsession. But I'm starting to internalise as fact now that my ex was not some prize I lost. He was a cheating piece of sh*t who leeched off me for YEARS. This split is a GOOD thing for ME. And although I may never be completely okay with him being with HER now. I'm starting to get over the feeling that it means I failed in some way. I think anger almost always comes from a place of fear. I know that my anger stemmed from the feeling that I wasn't 'good enough' and that's why he prefers her.

 

About ten days ago, someone said I was holding onto my rage out of a fear of letting go of him, and the rage is pretty much all I have left of him. He said my pushing the ex out of my thoughts was still a sign of denial. I couldn't really agree with that. The fact is that I try and avoid thoughts of my ex because they cause me such pain and anger. I am trying to break an addiction that was terribly, terribly bad for me. While I am still vulnerable to the thing to which I was addicted, then I avoid it at all costs.

 

I thought of it as being about avoiding triggers, not about me repressing things. But it's possible I am holding on to the anger: I tell myself so often that none of this is my fault. Why is it so important to me that I am not to blame? It's over with now, there is nothing I can do to change the past. I ought to be trying to get back on course.

 

I feel almost back to the beginning of it all.

 

You're not back to the beginning Melen. Not even close. You're processing still. Feeling the pain again to get it out of your system. This is another temporary setback. It's horrible while you're in it but when you get through to the other side of it there is a sense of calm. It's hard to let go of the future you thought you were going to have. Really, really difficult. But you'll build a better future and I promise you, your ex and the OG - that relationship is DOOMED. The very fact that your Ex feels the need to block you on FB is proof that you still weigh on his mind.

 

The pressures that relationship faces would challenge any couple. Those two aren't going to be able to make it work long term. You just try to focus on your own life and before you know it you'll be sitting back listening to the reports of it crumbling around their ears while you are in a FAR better place. When I feel down I like to picture my future - my happy, productive, fun-filled future. We're on an upward trajectory, they're on a downward one. It's only a matter of time before you watch them plummet as you rise.

[Movingthrough]

I honestly think that 90% with the issue of letting go is because of what i call "the pedestal effect". Isn't it funny how we look at these people? They hurt us, yet they are almost "godlike" in our minds.

 

I'm a big time thinker, i think too much, but it has helped me in seeing through the a lot of the emotions that come with our process. I find myself thinking sometimes "If i didn't have them so high on that pedestal then i wouldn't care what they are doing in life, on facebook etc". I know its easier said then done, don't get me wrong, but the feeling of rejection is what makes us put them so high up. Breakups are the craziest thing, we literally get hurt by someone but STILL want them back. In reality we just want that good feeling back, but that person has to BE good to get that feeling again, which they obviously cant at this point.

 

I'm only typing all these because you will get through it, we all have. Like the above poster said, it will honestly hit a point where you really wont care, your mind gives up and says "screw it". Hang in there.

[melenkurion]

Rose, Fern, 0hpenelope and MovingThrough, thank you all so much for what you've written, I've read it all and it has helped a lot. I'm still not quite back to normal, still nowhere near as calm as I normally am, but I am doing better. I am back to work today, and I am able get on with things when I am there.

 

I've had friends staying this weekend and they've taken care of me. I've even managed to have fun after a couple of days of weirdness. I'd be doing a lot less well today without them.

 

My counsellor didn't say much before packing me off to my GP, but what she did say was that I've had this little crisis because I am now allowing myself to feel some of the emotions that I had been holding in check.

[Fern]

Stay strong Melen. I KNOW you're going to be okay!

 

xx

[melenkurion]

I'm working my way through what you all wrote, thank you!

 

At some point, though, I also realised the strength in that. People pass in and out of our lives - very few relationships, in the broadest sense, stay for a long time. But there's a strength and a power in being able to stand alone and quite literally, to stand yourself.

 

I've never done very well at being on my own, so far. That is definitely something I know I need to work on, to see the opportunities of it. I used to think stuff like, "Wow, I would quite like to do <some crazy plan>, but I can't really leave XXXX for three weeks". I was actually probably using that as an excuse, a little bit. New stuff really frightens me, always has. The breakup has been so hard, at least in part because I really have had to do so much new stuff. That's getting much less, however. The last couple of months has been spent doing things I never did with my ex, with people I didn't know when I was with my ex.

 

I think you need to stop blaming yourself for what happened and concentrate on forgiving yourself for the break-up. Forgiving him will come when that happens. It's been the hardest thing for me, even though I've been quite angry towards my ex I've realised that a lot of it is anger at myself for allowing myself to stay in a relationship which I knew was flawed. The madness is over, Melen. You're back in control. You need to take a look at yourself and love what you are, what you're capable of, what you can become.

 

Try and understand what you did in your relationship, how you behaved, what you need to improve in the future - for yourself - but above all, be kind to yourself. Make new friends. Do new things. Don't check Facebook for a while, unless you really need it for your social life. I suspect you don't.

 

 

Someone posted something on one of Fern's threads yesterday that really hit home for me. I think I am angry at myself for what I allowed myself to become. I let him take advantage of me, no-one forced him to do that. I never told him that what he was doing by leaching off me, all the sniping and so on, I rarely said that it was unacceptable. I think the strongest stand I ever took was this: "When I am not feeling my best, I find your sharpness hurtful". I never asked him to stop inviting Other Guy round all the time, even though I grew to hate it. I took it all. I've actually noticed that I have improved in that regard, little by little. There is a long way to go there, however. I need to forgive myself for that. People say of me that I hold myself to high standards, and that I am not very forgiving when I don't live up to them.

 

 

But relish your abilities, your potential. Try and love your life - little corners of it, a coffee in a nice cafe, a walk by the river, a friend you can rely on. The shows that you love. You have a new life to build which is scary but amazing. You choose what you put in it - which kinds of friends, which kinds of activities, and above all, the direction. It's all yours now. I know you don't feel it at the moment but you have so much ahead of you and you have to believe in that. Take care.

 

heh, cool, in fact that is pretty much how I spent my time this weekend . I had a long walk by a canal (no rivers in my city!), had a nice cup of coffee in a great cafe, and had friends staying over that really are dependable. I dug my allotment and made some plans as to how I was going to get best use from it. When I am OK, I am pretty good at enjoying life's little pleasures.

[melenkurion]

Well, yesterday was six months to the day since the breakup.

 

I'm doing better since my last setback. I was very angry for a couple of weeks, but that is subsiding. I'm still not quite back to where I was before the setback, but I think it was something that will ultimately do me good. I repress my anger a heck of a lot, so in the end allowing myself to feel it for once, that will do me some good in the end. In the end, I'll be fine. What he has done has shown me very clearly that he is no great prize, very far from it. He lost far more than I lost when he lost me, although he will probably never realise that.

 

When I do as Rose suggests and take pleasure in the small things, life is good. I'm trying to do more and more of that. Unrealstically, I thought that after six months I expected to be more or less fully over things. I'm not there yet, there's still a good way to go. But: three months ago, the breakup was pretty much 90% of my thinking. It's still in my thoughts way to much, but it's less than, say, 30%. It's no longer the first thing I think of when I get up, at least. Before the setback, there had been a period of a few weeks where I had barely thought about my ex at all. Hopefully, once I get back to being properly busy once more, I will get back to that state once more.

[Rose T]

But: three months ago, the breakup was pretty much 90% of my thinking. It's still in my thoughts way to much, but it's less than, say, 30%. It's no longer the first thing I think of when I get up, at least. Before the setback, there had been a period of a few weeks where I had barely thought about my ex at all. Hopefully, once I get back to being properly busy once more, I will get back to that state once more.

 

 

Melen I think you're healing beautifully. Those 90% / 30% statistics are amazing! The more you have in your life, the more new memories you make, it's all just edging out the old stuff. And the memories of your ex, I suspect, no longer look so hot next to your more recent carefree experiences of happiness! I'm four months out of the break-up to the day and I'm doing really good, even though I say so myself! Being single feels wonderful and the spring days here are just breathtaking. Can you believe I'm almost grateful all this happened...

[melenkurion]

Melen I think you're healing beautifully. Those 90% / 30% statistics are amazing! The more you have in your life, the more new memories you make, it's all just edging out the old stuff.

 

That's true. I've got a few things planned for spring now, and I need to plan a few more. Making new memories is one of the key things to do, I think.

 

And the memories of your ex, I suspect, no longer look so hot next to your more recent carefree experiences of happiness!

 

Definitely not. It's nice not having to worry about misery guts putting a downer on the day, or feel I have to apologise for bad behaviour. It's nice being able to do stuff I like without someone pulling a stunt to stop me going out on my own.

 

I'm four months out of the break-up to the day and I'm doing really good, even though I say so myself! Being single feels wonderful and the spring days here are just breathtaking. Can you believe I'm almost grateful all this happened...

 

I can kind of believe it... You seem to have totally blossomed since you came out of your relationship. It's caused you pain, but perhaps you could say that it's done you good. Things seem very healthy for you now.

 

I can't quite bring myself to feel that way just yet (glad that it happened), but I think looking in at myself I might. Friends have said I look and seem so much better, and that they have got to know me properly. I just want the indifference to hurry up and arrive and that I can find a way to stop myself recreating the pain from time to time.