shehasme Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Going through a most painful break in what is the damnest of scenarios I could ever put myself in. My history: Back in 2005 I was torn to pieces by a girl that loved me as much as I loved her. I was in the service at the time and she was a full time college student. She was actually a year older but long story short, we ended mutually but the pain we both felt saying our goodbyes and acknowledging we couldn't continue because of our two very different lives really hurt the both us. In late 2006 I entered a relationship that lasted for about a year. This one ended pretty badly while I was overseas in Iraq. Hurt like hell and by this point I had enough of setting myself out to dry. Against my personal morals, ethics, and believes I turned into a guy most mothers wouldn't be so proud of. I abused alcohol on the weekends, smoked a lot, partied hard and when i felt like taking a girl home I did so. No serious relationship between 2007 and 2009. I knew I was perhaps going to separate from the service while over in Iraq this last time in late 09 to early 2010. So I made a commitment to myself to return to my sane self and respect women. Mainly because I knew I was going to get out and not be able to support my party habits because I was going to set school as priority. Now I am a full time student as an engineer and enjoying it tremendously. I have no desire nor temptation to smoke, drink, and/or get crazy. I have been able to put that all behind me and for the most part change my life to reflect only positive actions. I met this girl on a dating website because I did not want to meet a party girl nor do I have the time to actually get to know one since all I do is mainly study. So I wanted to meet someone that understood that I was a full time student and that was priority. We talked for a month or so then decided to meet. Agreed to dinner and what I had planned for a 2.5 hr date turned into a 5.5 hr date. So things were off to a good start. We talked about goals, hobbies, and some interest. The night ended with us kissing though I at first only went for the goodnight hug. It was a first date and did not feel kissing was the right way for myself to end it. But she wanted to kiss and positioned herself for one so we did. Bonus right?! Second date a week later picked her up at her house with flowers in hand and we went to a boardwalk scenario off the beach. Walked around talked some more about hobbies, interest, school, family. The kiss at the end night was a tad bit more heated and she asked if wanted to feel on your butt. I said No because in all honesty I want to be a better man and not base this relationship of sex. This date lasted for a good 7 hours. Ended good. The next time we met was after one of my daunting exams. I told her it would be nice to see her because we only get to see each other once a week if that. She agreed to come over and we watched a movie. We did cuddle and make out on the couch but nothing past that. The night ended well and we agreed to go out the following night. The next date I go pick her up with probably the best looking flowers ever. The first set of flowers were a more of a still finding out how much we like each other. This set of flowers I believe showed more of who I am and really felt good giving those to her because i felt it had come from the heart. We went to dave and busters and afterward a haunted house. Went back to the house and curled up on the couch. Lost interest in the film and gained interest in each other. Before this I had expressed how I did not want to base this relationship off sex. She did not want it to be about sex either. To his point she had told me very little about her past relationship. We started off touching and grabbing each other which crossed my mind as something I wasn't suppose to be doing but because she started it I continued and we moved into the bedroom. Our clothes came off minus undergarments. We made out passionately and in my mind the same thing crossed my mind don't do this! And also that I knew I really liked this girl and had promised myself not to have sex until 'we' had discussed or moved to a love relationship. Moments later the kissing stopped and she curled up next to me and started crying. She asked why we were doing this when it was so wrong. Then came the ex boyfriend conversation that would kill me. Her exboyfriend and her were on way to marriage and she had let him be her first. After she gave herself to him he ended up not having interest in her. He had stopped being supportive and wanted her to live by his rules. The man she thought she wanted to marry ended up crushing her heart and this all happened approximately a year ago or so. She said what we were doing was wrong, I agreed, and that it reminded her of her exboyfriend. I told her about my past and who I was even when I was the guy I was ashamed of being. I wanted to talk it out with her that night but she asked that I take her home. 30 minute drive seemed forever, we barely spoke or exchanged words. She reiterated the point that she was not happy with our actions. And I knew I wasn't either, why had I let her tempt me so? She said after all these feelings she wasn't sure what the end result would be that she wanted a break. At this point I for sure thought it would be the end of us. I asked her if she would be okay and want to reconcile and she said probably not and not sure if we would talk again. We arrived at her house and talked outside about what had happened and why we were hurting so much. I knew I was hurt right then and there because I could do was think of losing her and how I did not want that to happen. I felt extremely ashamed of my conduct and even letting my guard down. What I had not felt for 5 years I felt right then and there but 10 times stronger. I know I really care about her and knew that the break would be damn hard. Right now we are on a break. We did talk a little bit on the following morning after a sleepless night for myself. Tears poured from eyes as they had 5 years ago. I told her that morning that the break would be hard and that since she wanted it I would respect her wishes. I told her I never planned on having sex and wouldn't have that night as hard as it was to believe without knowing I was in love. Though on the outside some might not consider her a 10 and probably an 8, to me she is perfect because of her attitude and personality. We share a lot of interest and she is fairly smart. You can say I am a nerd because I want to be an engineer but really I just push myself to learn what most cannot. But now after being on break and talking with some friends they think its best just to set myself up to move on. I know if I do this though that I will be setting barriers around myself if she decides to continue. I already have them partially up because of the emotional pain I felt that night. I know I can forgive her but I feel that I need to numb her out to do so. She said wanted to make her decision with a clear mind, happy heart, and feel confident telling me what her choice will be. My fear at this point is that she will compare me to her exboyfriend who made all the promises I did. I told her that she was smart, beautiful, kind, and strong; that is what I attracted me most to her and she does say thank you but that she also told me that is what her ex would say. text messages: Her to Me "I want to be with you so much, thats what scares me the most. I cant live in a fantasy love dream, i lose site of reality and lose control the situation." "Learning from our mistakes isnt all good when they couldve been prevented." "I hate when I do things i know are wrong but still continue to proceed with them. I dont have any regrets in my life and I dont intend on having any." "Im sorry but i just can't speak right now. Im trying not to make it harder than it already is." "I do want this to happen but in order to do so i need you to give me a few days to myself and let me process these thoughts. Please respect that i dont want to talk to you with anger and fear. I want to talk to you with confidence and peace. I dont want to say things i do not mean in the heat of the moment. " I really like this girl, she is so different than most girls and well I suppose being the second guy in line she either has a lot of high standards for me or she is just using me to test her feelings out. Any advice, words of wisdom would be great. Im 26 and a Chem Eng Major. She is 22 and a Social Work Major. We share a lot of similar interest and the thing that effects me the most is probably the ex thing but I know she still must be feeling the pain from that relationship. I see how long it took me and I was not even on the point of marriage like she was. Confused And Worried???
Cratsky Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 That's a very detailed post. You've obviously got a lot of things to let go of there? In regards to her trying to hold on, is that because you two honestly have that much of a history together to prove that you're able to live happily together, or is she simply hoping for a quick fix because she hasn't resolved her own issues from her past. You're both very young. Yes, I know that real love can be hard to find but at the same time I do not believe in settling just for the sake of not being alone. Regardless of what is going on with her, you need to think about yourself. Think about where you see things in 6 months time, 2 years, 5 years. And decide if the things you want to achieve can (or should be) readily compromised by another individual. She may not have had enoug life experience to grow as a person, and in turn may one day realise she's being stifled. Just a warning. No one can tell you what to do, but your gut instinct is always right.
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