releasethekraken Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Tonight I stopped by the house to see the kids. Have only been gone for 1 week and am looking for an apartment. She has continued to have a facebook boyfriend and wouldn't give it up. We have lots of issues though and I decided to leave. Today when I went to the house, she cornered me and started being physical. I asked her to stop but was so turned-on that I gave it. Does anyone else have this problem? I was really upset by my lack or will-power. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 releasethekraken : So you ask "does anyone else have this problem"? Well I'm not everyone else, I am just me, but as for me, I've never had this problem. Personally, the idea of jumping back into the sack for good ole times sake never came up! Plus I wouldn't have allowed it to happen anyways! I'm kind of "old fashioned" as far as I perceive what a marriage is. For me, once my ex-wife allowed another man to enter her body, while still being married to me, that was a deal breaker! After becoming aware that my ex-wife, or should I say wife, at the time, was getting sexual with this "other man", I lost all interest in sex with her! I personally feel that once another man taints and desecrates my marriages sexual "Holy Ground", namely her "private parts", that's it, deals off, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to divorce court! I would also expect the same to be true for any woman I decide to marry next. If I was to stray, if I was to have an affair, or cheat, I would expect my new wife to hold me equally accountable as I hold the people in my life who do the same thing. I would expect for her to consider my "private parts" tainted and desecrated and maybe loose all interest in me sexually. So no I've never had a problem with self control, namely being in the same environment as my ex-wife. Plus to me, I don't feel like starting any problems. If I was the least bit interested in having a romp in the sack session with my ex-wife, do you know what types of problems that would cause? Yeah, one can justify it on the mire grounds that is was just "business" it wasn't "personal"! Yeah we can fool ourselves in the notion that all you did was have a "friends with benefits" situation, it was just a non emotion, non commitment romp session! Even at our best, with our emotional walls firmly in place, with our minds eye being objective only, with us rationalizing what we are about to do, we all must face the facts.....no matter how cold we are to the other person, no matter how we might dislike the person, no matter if you or we know that it is only sex, something always gets left behind. We can do our best to keep all strings being dis-attached, but it doesn't work. Something always gets left behind, an emotion, a urge, a compulsion to repeat, temptations, lust, puppy love, what ever it might be, for both the man or woman, something always gets left behind after a romp session, that will more than likely lead to bigger problems down the road. So next time you are at the old house, visiting with the kids, picking up your cloths, giving the soon to be ex-Mrs. some money or whatever, remember what you did here, remember how it felt knowing that you slipped up and went back to the well one more time, remember how it felt to post the information on L.S., if you don't want to ever feel this way again, I got 5 words for you...... 1. - Keep 2. - It 3. - In 4. - Your 5. - Pants
bassplayertn Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Well, no offense to the first reply, but I disagree. It is totally natural to desire the person you committed your life to. I think it is natural. I am dealing with the knowledge of another man and, no I have not slept with her since I found out. But I still desire the affection and attention of my wife. I assume I will always have a level of desire for her. I am choosing not to act on it. And honestly, am not sure I could if I wanted to. But that is not to say that one day I wouldn't...... I went to a divorce group tonight and they discussed how it is the lust for something gone and that removing thy from your life currently will only benefit you and her. No matter how much you want it, it isn't going to help. It will either pull you back in before you should go back in, or push you 2 further apart. Stay strong and love yourself
Steadfast Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Absolutely, without question, I would have jumped at the chance. I was consumed with thoughts of 're-claiming' my ex after she cheated and we separated; mostly to prove the level of my love and desire. In time, her lack of interest (compounded by an increase for others) sawed the feelings I had for her into pieces. the suddenness of it was hard to adjust to. It's anyone's guess why she's so willing now, but it probably has something to do with power, control, or wanting what you can't have. I honestly do not know, but you should be aware that your wife may have similar motives. It's common for cheating spouses to keep a safety net in place. This is one of those areas where you have to give yourself a break and just let it go. You're clearly feeling the regret now, but don't be so hard on yourself. The issues remain and you're not happy about it. If nothing else, honestly explain your feelings to her and carefully judge her response. Maybe it is her way of expressing her regret and fear. Maybe not. Find out.
HopelessinDTW Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I agree and have the same boundaries as the Zen-Warrior has said. But to the OP, I would say that she had sex with you to reclaim the control she has over you. She knows your weakness, and you giving in to her physical advanced proved to her that you still have a weakness and she has some power over you. Sorry but you screwed up! You need to be stronger. She's still cheating on you, and yet you have sex with her....what the hell are you doing? Your letting her use you like a doormat. Now granted the sex might have been great...but your actions sent her a message ..i.e. "Yes, honey, go ahead and have an affair, and anytime you want to f**k I will bow down to your needs while you walk all over me...because I am weak and have no pride in myself". STOP IT!!
iheartboobs Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 To each their own. I wouldn't touch a woman who'd cheated on me, even if it was "just" an EA, but if you don't see a problem with it, there's no problem with it. It's your wife, it's your life... do what you want. I say **** the bitch. If you want to take that advice literally, that's your decision. If, however, you don't want to sleep with her but are weak, just have her meet you in the driveway or a public place. If she still jumps your bones at the park, I can't help with that.
strength-abounds Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I wholeheartedly agree with Zen on this one. When you marry someone, he/she is supposed to allow NOBODY but you access to the heart, soul, and body. I don't care what the circumstances are that led to the breakup/separation/divorce. I cringe and puke in my mouth with the thought of sleeping with my ExW. Knowing that another man has had access to her body has completely killed any sexual desire for her whatsoever.
Steadfast Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 It's safe to assume that everyone sees the problem with this. Past experience and sharing indicates mixed feelings and confusion when dealing with an ex (or stb) on any level. Some are better at handling the situation than others, but most stumble and fall at some point. It is just my opinion, but the mechanics of the act itself pale in comparison to the long term damage of betrayal, lying and abandonment. If you include the pain suffered by the children, the reality of sexual activity pales even more. But that's me; that's what I've experienced. I'm not saying that I like it and I'm not saying it isn't a deal breaker. It is...especially in light of repeated offenses. It's a horrible, damaging thing. Judging the OP's position by the words of regret he used, I find it somewhat counter-productive to beat him over the head with his mistake. Those who roll with the punches, brush themselves off and move on are the ones who survive. Critical, in my opinion, is pinpointing areas of weakness. Often, those with the same weakness can share the things that helped them overcome the obstacle. I can't be sure, but I'm reasonably certain that's what he was seeking. Perhaps the OP will post a follow up. Otherwise, good points and good advice given by all.
hopesndreams Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Tonight I stopped by the house to see the kids. Have only been gone for 1 week and am looking for an apartment. She has continued to have a facebook boyfriend and wouldn't give it up. We have lots of issues though and I decided to leave. Today when I went to the house, she cornered me and started being physical. I asked her to stop but was so turned-on that I gave it. Does anyone else have this problem? I was really upset by my lack or will-power. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day. She will continue to disrespect you as long as you will allow it and for as long as she has fun with it. It's all about control and manipulation at this point with her and with you as well to some degree. Even though, it could just be desperation on your part. As more time passes and she gets what she wants (not just physical), you will then see a change in her. She will then dismiss you as the new relationship, the one she threw you away for, the one that makes her swoon with desire, goes full throttle. Hopefully, you will tire of it before she does. That way, you won't lose all your self-respect.
Author releasethekraken Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 That's the problem. She never cheated on me with her body. My wife and I have been together for 16 years (since age 15). She has had a "facebook boyfriend" who she got emotionally attached to. She keeps texting him and communicating virtually. If she cheated physically, it would be easier. AHHHHHH!!!!
HopelessinDTW Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 That's the problem. She never cheated on me with her body. My wife and I have been together for 16 years (since age 15). She has had a "facebook boyfriend" who she got emotionally attached to. She keeps texting him and communicating virtually. If she cheated physically, it would be easier. AHHHHHH!!!! Do you know where the "Facebook boyfriend" lives? My stbx's facebook boyfriend lives a 1000 miles away, with a month he was up here f'ing my stbx in a hotel room. He's back to where he lives, but I'm sure he'll be up here permanently once the divorce is final. My point...eventually it will turn physical...and how will that make it any easier??? For women, EA is more important than just a PA. Perhaps in your mind it is reversed. But I can guarantee you that sex with the OM will just be icing on the cake for her. If you want to keep yourself sane, break off all contact except about the kids, get the divorce process rolling. Tell her it's you or the "boyfriend", if she chooses him...help pack her bags, and let her know she can come by and visit the kids when convienient for both of you. Dude...it's time to put your foot down, and lay some boundaries. She'll get the message, and see you mean business.
Too Much Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 That's the problem. She never cheated on me with her body. My wife and I have been together for 16 years (since age 15). She has had a "facebook boyfriend" who she got emotionally attached to. She keeps texting him and communicating virtually. If she cheated physically, it would be easier. AHHHHHH!!!! I think with an EA, you've lost her heart. That's what matters. Doesn't matter if there wasn't a physical affair. As iheart told me, do you think if the OM was here she would dny herself the opportunity to have a PA? I think not.
iheartboobs Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I think with an EA, you've lost her heart. That's what matters. Doesn't matter if there wasn't a physical affair. As iheart told me, do you think if the OM was here she would dny herself the opportunity to have a PA? I think not. I agree with Too Much agreeing with me. He's right that I'm right. To a man, a PA is a full blown affair. That's our first step and the love and emotional stuff comes later when we've completely moved past our old lover. To a woman, the opposite is true. The EA is their first step and they have sex when it becomes a real relationship to them. To us it's not really cheating until it's physical. To women it's cheating as soon as they give another man their heart. The way your wife sees it, she is cheating on you. And like I asked Too Much: if the OM was available and willing, do you think your wife would stop at just being his "facebook girlfriend"? If not, how's that any better than what she's doing? To me, there's no difference between action and intent.
willowthewisp Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 That's the problem. She never cheated on me with her body. My wife and I have been together for 16 years (since age 15). She has had a "facebook boyfriend" who she got emotionally attached to. She keeps texting him and communicating virtually. If she cheated physically, it would be easier. AHHHHHH!!!! Relasethekraken, I too was with my X from highschool, nearly 20 years. Not once during that time was I unfaithful to him, in mind or body. In a way it makes her behaviour even more betraying (if that's possible) because I can honestly say that even when my X left me, it has taken me 20 months to even be comfortable with the thought of being close with another man sometime in my future. I really don't understand how she could do it to you? I also understand why you went back there, my guess if you were with her from 15 years old you have probably not been physical with anyone else, or many other women (not asking, just saying). You love her and you don't know anything else, if my X had offered it I know I wouldn't have taken it, to be honest for me sex is more than a physical act and is closely tied to emotion. If it happens again just think about how you FEEL emotionally about what she has done and I am sure you will walk away.
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