SmileyGirl Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Good Evening All, I am by no means a blogger and don't usually pour my guts onto a website, but lately I'm just struggling and who knows maybe writing and getting it all out will be therapuetic?... Forgive me for the length! My ex and I were together for just about 6 years... we met while working together in retail during my freshmen year of college (I trained at his store during the summer while my store was getting ready to open), he was a year older... to be honest I think we had more fun playing hard to get with each other than actually wanting to be together... we also were both going through break ups with our ex's. During summer we flirted and hung out after work with all the rest of our friends that we worked with... Summer came to an end, I went back to my store (40 minutes away) and we both went back to school and really lost touch... In January, right after winter break I get a random text from him telling me he was transfering to my college, which in our area it's one of the major universities so it was really not surprising... we got to talking.. I was in the process of breaking up with my high school sweetheart and as was he. We started hanging out and became inseperable and really leaned on each other to cope with our beak up. So, we become an item all through college, in fact we went from working for the same company to working at the same place together... our relationship wasn't perfect but he was my best friend... his family was my family.. infact sometimes I look back and think his family was what held us together... I was so incredibly close with his brothers and their girlfriends... his grandparents and especially his mother... I was diagnosed with cancer and his mother came to my rescue and donated platelets for my surgery. I truly truly adored his family.... my parents (i'm an only child) did not like J.. in fact my mother outright could not stand him. She looked at him as cocky and arrogant... which he was on the outside.. but I knew him for much more than that... despite my mother not liking him he was still treated with respect at my house, he was there for all the holidays and my parents still bought gifts and treated him as much apart of the family as they could. J and I had a very "different" relationship... I'm not quite sure how to explain it.. neither of us expected a relationship... in fact when we first started dating we really didn't like each other.. I think we just liked the comfort of one another from our break ups... then it grew to so much more... I had some of the best times of my life with J... we traveled like crazy.. we were spontaneous... full of life and energy and despite bickering over things that now... a year and half later seem so meaningless... I now see what a good relationship we actually had.... So the summer after we graduate from college... we took a trip to Disney Land... it was my very first time and it was SO exciting to me... we had booked it 8 months in advance... we had a ball... in fact i'm not sure i could ever go there again because him and I enjoyed it together so much... 3 weeks after we get home he takes me to a castle two hours from where we live and proposes to me... We were engaged and happy for the most part for just about a year... and it truly surpised me that my parents gave J their blessing to marry me despite my mom not liking him... which I must say this ALWAYS put a massive strain on our relationship... we started to plan to begin or lives together by looking to buy a house... it took us 5 months to find a house we liked, could afford and come to a deal with... Unfortunately my name could not be on the loan because I had far too many student loans... so it was a mutual decision that his name would be on the loan until we got married... just as my mother was finally... 5 years later warming up to him That Valentine's day he bought me a puppy as our first present for our new home.. .my mother was ready to kill him as she most certainly didn't want another dog staying at her house... but she dealt with it and he truly became our baby... So, fast forward.. we move in to our home together and we started to CONSTANTLY fight... we worked opposite schedules.. I work 8-5 monday through friday.. he worked 4-12 at night... our only day together was Sundays and he expected that day to be for entertaining his family... you would think with not seeing each other because of our schedules it would be difficult to fight... but no no no... we definately found a way.. we pretty much gutted this house and made it our "own"... it use to bother me a lot because he would make remarks that the house was more "his" because my name wasn't on the mortgage.. well one saturday night (six weeks after we move in together) we were arguing over a lot of things... a year later I can't particularly remember what (that's how stupid it was) and he slept on the couch.. we woke up that morning and he started talking to me like normal.. that's ALWAY how we dealt with our problems... go to sleep and wake up the next morning as if it never happend... well this argument was so intense i continued to ignore him that day... I continued staining the door and ignored him and he absolutely freaked out... I owned pretty much everything in the house.. all the furniture.. everything on the walls, etc.. and he started taking them down and telling me to pack up and move out... Him and I always argued intensly... there was no such thing as a "small rational" argument between us.. when we argued both of us wanted to be in charge and we let the other one know it... In the midst of this he calls his mother... and tells her I don't know what... she leaves her work and rushes to our home (need I mind you he is 25) ...before seeing her.. I take my dog, barefoot and all and drive to my parents house (10 minutes away)... We come back to the house to see what is happening and the entirety of our home is sitting on the driveway... I had to rent a uhaul to get it to my parents house.. his mother had packed EVERYTHING of mine. I still until this day can not imagine what he told his mother and father to have them rush over to our home like this... especially for being so incredibly close to his family all these years... he owed me money jointly... and I owed him my engagement ring.. his mother wrote up a contract, hand wrote me a check and signed the agreement on his behalf.. and that is the last time I have ever seen or spoken to him.. this was 15 months ago... Until this day it bothers me so much because him and I had been having issues moving in together.. it's a big step in a relationship... especially after not living together and being in a relationship for almost 6 years... I knew it would be tough.. and my mom and I had been shopping that saturday (when the first argument broke out) and I said to her I think I made a big mistake moving in with him and that I really wanted to come home... despite her dislike for J she looked me in the eyes and said "Amanda, your a big girl... you have been with him 6 years, you are engaged, getting married, have a dog together and just bought a home together.. your going to have difficult times together, communicate with one another and work it out.. marriage is not easy, it takes hard work"... Now why couldn't his mother say that to him?... I have so much anger towards her also... I don't feel like it was her place... not one bit. So, a month after we break up I start dating this wonderful guy... I truly thought the world of him... we dated for 10 months... I went through the entire "emotional break up process" during this relationship of how I was feeling towards my ex... I hated him for many months... had many bitter feelings... then I started to be like "okay, i don't hate him anymore.. i wish him the best"... then I started to genuinely miss him.. and at that point I realized I needed to end the relationship I was in because it was not fair to this wonderful man that I was having thoughts of my ex... I told myself that I had rushed too fast into the dating scene again and that I needed time to myself.. I needed to rediscover myself and find enjoyment and do things that made me happy... I constantly told myself I cannot make someone else happy until I make myself happy. ... Well... I did all that... I dove into my career.. opened my own business.. and now I sit here and think "now what?"... apart of me is missing About two months ago our dog went missing ... he absolutely adored our dog... he has a "chip" in him and when he went missing I found out it was registered to my ex... I sent him a text (hoping he still had the same number)... an email and because he has blocked me on facebook I made a new one sending him a message on there saying that Romeo went missing and the chip is still registered to you and if you hear anything to PLEASE let me know... my dog was found two days later... but I didn't get one response from my ex... In the past 15 months it feels like he has fallen off the face of this earth...and now I seem to miss him more than ever... I didin't miss him when we broke up.. in fact when i was moving out i swear I did a sigh of relief.. I guess because 6 years came to an end so abrumptly I feel like i didn't get any closure... I have so many things I still want to say to him... and maybe even a frienship... i know him.. i know him well and I know to him I am probably dead.. he deals with emotions much differently and when something aches his heart he just ignores it... I look at myself when him and I first started dating when I was 17 to where I am now at 24 and through dating other men I have truly realized what is important to me in a relationship... and I can't help but think that all the things that I value in a relationship were the things I had with him... It stinks because by no means would I be comfortable starting communication with him after all this time, especially after how nasty our break up was... but I feel like he is one of the people who knows me best in this world.. and what good is it when you live life not speaking or talking to the one who knows you best?... I'm not saying I would ever want a relationship with him.. but a friend? possibly... to catch up?.. definately... I just don't know what to do.... my heart hurts :/ Thank You for listening to my ramble!
SadGirl23 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 (edited) he is long gone.. 15 months of NC is my worst nightmare with someone I love or truly miss. Consider it over and done. The only way to see about friendship is contacting him. If he refuses, you may just go back to square 1 again like the breakup, maybe you won't. But I could not have a friendship with a ex that I may have feelings for.. I don't know if you are missing J or missing someone that knows you. I had 2 exes that knew me quite well before my recent ex and I don't miss them at all.. I could be their friend and could careless if they do not want to be mine. If that's the case, we all know those who know us well, as time goes on we move on.. kind of like high school. when you had ur friends for 4 years or more, then when you move to college, you know they know you sooo well, but you don't bother to really focus on seeing them again.. because you moved on.. same thing, but guess you are not over him like you think you are. As y ou said you found everything that you want in him. This is a tough one, but if you can be the one to break the ice, go for it.. Honestly, I couldn't do it.. not after 6 months.. once 6 months comes, if nothing happens.. I would just leave it to rest. Some lucky people have gotten back with their partners after a year and what not.. but from personal experience.. IT'll never be the same.. it's not the same after the breakup, but its really feels awkward after 1 year unless the both of you never dated others.. once the ex moved on with someone else or unless you don't care, but when they came back, it just feels like the bond has been broken even more bc they moved on with someone else.. i would be worried that what if they may still love their ex after you.. u just never know.. too risky for my heart.. i'll just leave it alone.. guess u can be friends if it doesnt hurt u when he says " i got a girlfriend that I am in love with" or "i think its best we continue on our seperate ways" I couldn't do it... I can barely handle 3 months of a breakup with someone I REALLYY liked a lot, I could imagine anything more than that. and yes i can relate to knowin wut its like to be with somoene since the 18s-20 somethings age. I was with my ex for 5 years ..we both 24 now.. maybe he grew up... maybe he has a better way of approaching situations, making better decisions in relationships, who knows.. but one sad advice from a LS'er, that "young" relationships as what she call it, usually one party doesn't want to go back the same road and moves on because a person is still soo young and exploring life, meeting new people :/ Edited November 3, 2010 by SadGirl23
fanatic7 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Thanks for posting on my site SmileyGirl. I do agree with Sadgirl; I do unfortunately think he is gone. Esp after your dog went missing--he couldnt even respond to that?! That is your child! If you truly think you can "just be friends" with him, then go ahead and invite him out for coffee or lunch or something small like that and go from there. Baby steps. If he does not respond to that, then it is time to move on. It is human nature to want something that we can't have. It is absolutely natural. We want what retreats or rejects us. Learn a lesson here, and move on to someone who does want you in his life and will treat you #1. It sounds like you have a lot to offer someone; dont waste time and energy on someone who does not want to do the same for you. That is what I am working on. I empathize with you. Keep your head up. Take care. Best of luck to you!
Cratsky Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 If you still miss him, then you're not over him. Full stop. You can make friends via work, study, going out etc so I don't see how this particular friendship is making you so nostalgic. Get my drift? If you can picture him dating another woman, making plans to get married and you truly wish him a world of happiness then yes, you are ready to touch base and see what comes of it. He may never respond. He might even reply with how he's doing and after a month leave it alone. Are you prepared for the fact making contact is no guarantee he will even want you in his life? I feel it's important for you to think about if touching base is going to re-open sore wounds. Spend some more time thinking about what was good, what was bad and what was awful about the two of you. Let it be known that he had already made up his mind and you couldn't change that. Ask yourself if it's what you deserved? I would personally be quite insulted that someone I'd loved for that time could so easily toss me out without even an expanation. Don't you deserve more respect than that? Is this the type of person you want to be friends with? Maybe sit down and think about other times in your upbringing where you felt unloved, or abandoned and decide whether these thoughts are simply a manifestation of the fact you haven't been able to love yourself first.
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