lagarco Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 My boyfriend of nearly 1.5 years broke up with me yesterday, completely out of the blue, was not ready for it at all, and now I feel...everything and nothing at the same time. I'm hurting so much that I've lost this amazing person whom i'd given my whole heart to. I was ready to spend my life with him, not get engaged or anything just yet, just be with him. But according to him i'm not 'right'. There's nothing wrong with me, he just doesn't feel that special connection...anymore. WHAT? yes, he felt it once, but now doesn't? Still loves me, considers me his best friend, has strong physical attraction to me, we still have lots of fun, but doesn't feel i'm right for him. We moved in together only after 6 months together, and I think that that's the reason for this. But i'm scared i've lost him forever. I think we're meant to be, but I don't want to lose him. I'm also scared I have too much false hope that he'll realise he made a mistake. Whenever I start to feel better, it's not because i'm beginning to accept we're over, but because I think of us still being together. This is the first time i've truly fallen in love, and my first heart break. I don't know what to do. Advice?
fanatic7 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 So sorry to hear about your difficult time. I am going through a difficult time myself (you can read my thread if you like), and it is the worst feeling in the world. If you do want to get back with him, the best thing for you is to go NC. Trust me on this. It is great for you and it will cause him to wonder what you are doing. Difficult--absolutely, but I do think you can do that. However, you may realize after some time that this truly IS the best thing for you. There are many other fish out in the sea, and you can explore those opportunites now or when you are ready. It is ok to cry and feel sad, but do not let this get you down. Go out and have fun. It will benefit you tremedously. Best of luck to you.
valpre Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 We just have to accept that sometimes the person we want doesn't see a long term future with us any more. I know how painful it can be, but it is what it is. Hanging on to hope is totally normal in the beginning phases and is often the hardest thing to let go of. You just need to allow yourself to go through the motions. Healing from heartbreak is a process and there will be many up's and down's as you break the attachment. Best thing you can do now is to focus on you, don't contact him (he can't be your best friend right now), eat right, exercise, write down your feelings, read books, go out with friends, breathe, cry, let go. Take it one step at a time. You'll be okay.
Coolsbreeze Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 We just have to accept that sometimes the person we want doesn't see a long term future with us any more. I know how painful it can be, but it is what it is. Hanging on to hope is totally normal in the beginning phases and is often the hardest thing to let go of. You just need to allow yourself to go through the motions. Healing from heartbreak is a process and there will be many up's and down's as you break the attachment. Best thing you can do now is to focus on you, don't contact him (he can't be your best friend right now), eat right, exercise, write down your feelings, read books, go out with friends, breathe, cry, let go. Take it one step at a time. You'll be okay. Just curious, any idea on how long to wait before you can be friends with an ex again?
valpre Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Just curious, any idea on how long to wait before you can be friends with an ex again? It depends on the situation and how you think you can handle hearing about their new bf/gf. If you're still unhappy and still want to be with them romantically, then having them in your life as just a friend is going to hurt you, best to not go down that road.
Cratsky Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 (edited) I feel awful for you in this situation. It doesn't seem like it now, but it does get better. Remember, you were okay being single before he came along right? You'll eventually get back there again. For now, cry it out. I find when I am getting over a break-up, it's helpful to keep a journal, talk it out with friends who can support you (and not give advice about how you should just forget about him) and take it day by day. Think about doing a farewell ceremony where you write a 10 page letter about all your hopes and dreams, how you feel etc and say good bye. Burn it or tear it up. Do this as many times as necessary because this will subconsciously help you to close the door. Don't rush it. Everyone moves forward at a different pace. And in regards to becoming friends again, I'd recommend against it until you can happily picture your ex with another partner and truly wish them love and joy. Only then can you be sure you're not trying to sustain a friendship with the ulterior motive of snooping on them or hoping to one day get back together. Edited November 3, 2010 by Cratsky
kaycstamper Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 It's the most horrible feeling in the world, but one you have to live through. First of all, he stated how he felt, it's not up to you to correct him. His feelings, doubts, fears, they belong to him, they're his to deal with...it's up to you to take him seriously. DonHo wrote a piece on the best chance for getting someone back if given a second chance, read and follow it. Right now, focus on you, try to get him out of your mind, get rid of any reminders. It's easiest to do with no contact and that also give you the best chance of either getting back together or moving on. Keep busy, that helps too. I'm sorry, too many of us are going through this.
Author lagarco Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Thank you all, it's so hard, I had a long chat with him yesterday and he doesn't want to try anything to make it work ( a long break, living in different cities, even a year long break), he just doesn't want anything to do with me and it's so painful! He's finiding this difficult too, he says he loves me and i'm his best friend, etc., but just doesn't think it's right for him. I know i'll be ok, I know I can't live life being driven by a guy, but it sure does feel like it'll be miserable for a while. Went to the gym and punched some air in a class today, it helps to do as much as you can to ditract yourself. I couldn't even imagine him with anyone else, and we won't be able to be friends for a long time, even though I want to my jealousy is too green. I almost want him to be unhappy in his future relationships so he sees what a mistake this is! I know, horrible of me but I'm hoping i'll grow past that. The thing that confuses me the most, is that 10min before this happened we had just bought ice creams and gone to the swings in the park, and we'd even made plans to go on a trip in the summer! (This christmas here in NZ) Any of you been in that situation? everything is perfect and then the bombshell hits?
Leandro Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Thank you all, it's so hard, I had a long chat with him yesterday and he doesn't want to try anything to make it work ( a long break, living in different cities, even a year long break), he just doesn't want anything to do with me and it's so painful! He's finiding this difficult too, he says he loves me and i'm his best friend, etc., but just doesn't think it's right for him. I know i'll be ok, I know I can't live life being driven by a guy, but it sure does feel like it'll be miserable for a while. Went to the gym and punched some air in a class today, it helps to do as much as you can to ditract yourself. I couldn't even imagine him with anyone else, and we won't be able to be friends for a long time, even though I want to my jealousy is too green. I almost want him to be unhappy in his future relationships so he sees what a mistake this is! I know, horrible of me but I'm hoping i'll grow past that. The thing that confuses me the most, is that 10min before this happened we had just bought ice creams and gone to the swings in the park, and we'd even made plans to go on a trip in the summer! (This christmas here in NZ) Any of you been in that situation? everything is perfect and then the bombshell hits? A lot of us have been hit by "bombshells". I haven't. My ex ignored me about a week before she left me. My ex told me the same yours did. She loves me and I'm her best friend. Pshhh whatever. Started seeing someone else officially a month later. She must have been talking to him before she left me. Just stick with NC starting now! Continue to go to the gym and work on yourself, it's also good for the frustration and anger.
watshername Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Wow reading this it really made me think about when my bf split with me. We have a very similar story, together year and half, moved in after 6 months and he doesnt think we r right for eachother. I was madly inlove (still am) I still have hope, but it's useless. We need to move on, do you really think that after all this hurt you've been through that one day he's going to magically realise your the one and you'll run back to him and everythign will be ok? No it wont. say he does change his mind, youll get back together. The anxiety you will have could end up ruining the relationship, will he do it again, how will you ever be sure you are "the one" when he was never sure. It horrible and I've wanted to just end it all thinking about it but we have to accept that you can not make someone love you the way you love them. You deserved to be loved for all of you and someday someone will. It's been 2 months since my bf ended it and I am no where near over him. I've been crying for a week straight now and I don't know how to help myself. I'm sorry it's not much help but at least you know youre not alone, this does happen to people, a lot of people. xx
harmfulsweetz Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 I'm sorry you are feeling this right now. Hm, I can't say whether it's a forever thing-maybe he needs distance, time, maybe moving in together was too soon. The thing is, if he says he doesn't want to try, you have to accept that I'm afraid. Look after yourself, go NC, and stick with that. I'm sorry it's not working out for you, but the most important thing now is to look out for you, and work on feeling better.
Author lagarco Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 Wow reading this it really made me think about when my bf split with me. We have a very similar story, together year and half, moved in after 6 months and he doesnt think we r right for eachother. I was madly inlove (still am) I still have hope, but it's useless. We need to move on, do you really think that after all this hurt you've been through that one day he's going to magically realise your the one and you'll run back to him and everythign will be ok? No it wont. say he does change his mind, youll get back together. The anxiety you will have could end up ruining the relationship, will he do it again, how will you ever be sure you are "the one" when he was never sure. It horrible and I've wanted to just end it all thinking about it but we have to accept that you can not make someone love you the way you love them. You deserved to be loved for all of you and someday someone will. It's been 2 months since my bf ended it and I am no where near over him. I've been crying for a week straight now and I don't know how to help myself. I'm sorry it's not much help but at least you know youre not alone, this does happen to people, a lot of people. xx I guess the hope thing is what's killing me. And how much i'm going to miss him. I broke the NC rule yesterday, I felt I needed some answers (he'd agreed 10min before to a trip for holidays) so I asked him and he said he was mentally preparing himself to break up and wasn't thinking properly. Then I asked for one last kiss. And it was hard! maybe because I knew deep down that is was over? but I don't regret it and I think maybe it helped a little, I did go back to pretty much how I felt when he broke up with me though (silly me). It's nice to know that people are in the same situation, really helps, I wish we weren't though! I just want the pain to go away!
jokesoflife Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 That fool just wants your attention..You split from him for a while or give him a silent treatment for at least a month.if you really need him be patient and watch..Then he himself will come after you if he really means what he said:sick:
Author lagarco Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 gosh i'd love to go full NC, but I have to constantly txt him because I have to get stuff from my flat. If we didn't live together it would be so much easier! Like at the moment i'm txting him because I left my hair dryer, toothpaste, etc. essential things, and I need clothes too...
Leandro Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 gosh i'd love to go full NC, but I have to constantly txt him because I have to get stuff from my flat. If we didn't live together it would be so much easier! Like at the moment i'm txting him because I left my hair dryer, toothpaste, etc. essential things, and I need clothes too... Well after you get all your stuff you can go NC.
kaycstamper Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 What you've been feeling is pretty similar to what I've been going through. \ My fiance broke up with me via FedEx, won't even tell me why, and we've been engaged a year, and this was pretty out of the blue. He didn't speak to me for over two months, then got in touch again, and now 1 1/2 weeks ago went dark again, total aboutface. I've decided I don't need this crap, he can have his issues, my main focus right now is on healing and getting over him. A tall order since I'm so angry I can't see straight. It makes it very difficult to come to resolution when you don't even know what happened. WTH?! Anyway, it is what it is, we just have to deal with it.
D-Lish Posted November 7, 2010 Posted November 7, 2010 In my experience, there is no such thing as "The one". I thought my first bf was the one, I thought my second bf was the one... I thought my husband was the one. Everyone you fall in love with throughout your life is going to evoke that kind of response. All I can tell you is that I have fallen head over heels more than once in my life and you will too.
Author lagarco Posted November 7, 2010 Author Posted November 7, 2010 What you've been feeling is pretty similar to what I've been going through. \ My fiance broke up with me via FedEx, won't even tell me why, and we've been engaged a year, and this was pretty out of the blue. He didn't speak to me for over two months, then got in touch again, and now 1 1/2 weeks ago went dark again, total aboutface. I've decided I don't need this crap, he can have his issues, my main focus right now is on healing and getting over him. A tall order since I'm so angry I can't see straight. It makes it very difficult to come to resolution when you don't even know what happened. WTH?! Anyway, it is what it is, we just have to deal with it. oh no that's horrible. I can't help not talking to him, he was my best friend, but every time I do it's worse for my getting over him. I can't help it though! I txtd him last night asking why he didn't say anything about it, how it could have been better for him if i'd known...didn't help at all. I'm not going to be able to enforce a proper nc period until i've moved everything out of the house, the thought of it is terrible! moving everything we had together and packing it in bags, with no hope of ever going bak to how it was...I had a bad night last night..but I saw him yesterday and he didn't look so great and I took some comfort in that hehe how long do you think it takes to get over someone when it ends like that? I think i'm always going to love him, he'll always be in my heart
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