Have to go to dinner with ex and family tomorrow night

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My exbf and I lived together for about 4 years. A little over a week ago I moved out and have not contacted him (and vice versa) since. I really don't want to connect with him in any way, though I did check his email (darnit) yesterday just out of curiosity (I know I know I know better), but I'll get to that in a sec.

 

So anyway... tomorrow is his dad's birthday and he has asked me to go out to dinner with them. I adore his dad, wish his son was more like him (haha), and he has done so much for me... he has really been there for me. If his dad wants me to go, I'm going. I did tell his dad that I was kinda uncomfortable around his son at the moment, but that it's his birthday, and if he wants us all to be there, I'm there... because it's not about me, it's about him. So he said yea, he would love for me to be there. I called his wife and told her that I was concerned about there being tension at his birthday dinner and I didn't want that - or didn't want their son not to go because of me because they should spend his birthday together... I proposed a birthday marathon... that they take him out tomorrow and I take him out the following night or Friday. But she said no, it was no big deal and [exbf's] dad wanted me there, so I should come on.

 

So I'm going. I'm just concerned about opening up sores, ya know? I really shouldn't be worried about it because, in fact, we continued to live together for around a month after we broke up (while I was finding a place). And during that time, my walls were up and I only really engaged with him once... after he wanted to be friends. I found that I just couldn't take it. But anyway... the fact is I don't think I could let those walls down if I tried, so I shouldn't be so worried about it. Nonetheless, I'm anxious that it will be a setback.

 

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can handle it and come out feeling empowered, rather than broken? The last time we went out to dinner with his parents, a few weeks ago, I was just very cheerful and silly. I think it bothered him... but it was different because I hadn't moved out or found a place.

 

When I checked his email, I saw that he's been sending messages to people on match.com. This is no surprise - in fact, I'd checked a couple of times and was shocked that his profile wasn't up. It actually made me wonder if he was having a real life (as opposed to internet) affair and that is why he was finally able to let go and not try yet again to reconcile for the 15th (or whatever it is) time. Anyway, it looks like that wasn't the case because he has been sending messages and no one has responded. And here's the hilarious part (other than the fact that his messages are riddled with poor spelling and horrendous grammar and cliches... a la "My name 'Bubba')... he doesn't even realize his profile is set to invisible. Baaahahaha He no doubt just thinks they're not responding. What an idiot. Anyway, so this checking in is not my finest moment. And I'm not doing it again because it is a form of reconnecting. I don't want that. I was just curious because before, even when we broke up for a week, the loser would post his stupid profile (with all of these posed, professional pictures ugh!) and numerous times he lied to me about it. With this last break up, when I thought he hadn't run back to the online personals, it kinda gave me some second thoughts... like he had grown some integrity or something, some knowledge that he should work on himself for a while before jumping back in.

 

Anyway, because I despise it, I'm tempted to say something casually during dinner like, "Oh... so how's the Matching going?" I should not do this, should I? And then when he gets defensive say something like, "Oh... well, of course you would be... most people can't get over their past relationships until they get... really comfortable with someone new."

 

I know I shouldn't do that, which is why I posted it here. But I would love some suggestions on how to handle it so as not to reopen any wounds. I really feel I should go because his dad means a lot to me.

Edited November 3, 2010 by lapse

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And I know I know. If his dad means that much to me, I should just go and act like a 'mature' adult. The Match thing though really broke my trust and so it takes me back to a time long ago... when it broke my heart. Now it just fills me with repulsion. Whenever I think of porn or online personals, I think of him... uuuugh

 

So anyway, we can just bypass that if you'd like. Please come out with the suggestions on the best way to handle the dinner.

[durkadurka]

Simple solution, don't go.

 

He's your exboyfriend, you don't belong there and he shouldn't have invited you.

 

He can't have it both ways.

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Simple solution, don't go.

 

He's your exboyfriend, you don't belong there and he shouldn't have invited you.

 

He can't have it both ways.

 

It's his *dad's* birthday dinner & I absolutely adore his dad. His dad helped me move, all the while saying he hoped we'd work it out and didn't want me to think he wanted me to move. His dad has always been a friend to me. If he asked me to go, I feel I should go. I do celebrate his dad and I do like having him in my life. I've made it clear I don't want his son in my life for a long time, though.

[shayan]

that last part of the post is mean, but I udnerstand what phase of the break up you're going through so power to you. My advice, don't go, and if you do don't be mean be nice. You'll regret it otherwise.

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that last part of the post is mean, but I udnerstand what phase of the break up you're going through so power to you. My advice, don't go, and if you do don't be mean be nice. You'll regret it otherwise.

 

Thanks, Shayan. I agree - that part is mean and I appreciate your compassion there.

 

I also agree that I should be nice. But being nice when I'm not feeling kindness toward someone has never been a strength of mine. It feels insincere. I'm really working on forgiving him. Because the fact is I was angry because the things he did affected me. And now they don't. Nothing he can do or say affects me. There's no betrayal of the relationship going on now. There is no relationship. So why am I still ticked off by crap that happened then? It's over. That's why I did this - so the guy could no longer get under my skin. Anyway. I'm working on it. Meditating on forgiveness. It's just a little early yet and I'm afraid this dinner will slow down my progress. Like I said, I do feel obligated to go to honor his dad.

 

I think I'm worrying about it too much actually. I need to keep reminding myself that there's nothing the exbf can say or do that has anything to do with me any more. I can handle this. :| Like I said, though, specific advice would be helpful.

Edited November 3, 2010 by lapse

[durkadurka]

It's his *dad's* birthday dinner & I absolutely adore his dad. His dad helped me move, all the while saying he hoped we'd work it out and didn't want me to think he wanted me to move. His dad has always been a friend to me. If he asked me to go, I feel I should go. I do celebrate his dad and I do like having him in my life. I've made it clear I don't want his son in my life for a long time, though.

 

 

I am sorry, who gives a ****. My ex calls me every once in a while, and she always says how much she misses my grandparents.

 

My grandparents always say they miss her.

 

It doesn't make it a good idea for me to invite her to their birthday or anniversary or whatever.

 

Your relationship is over.

[PegNosePete]

Agree with durka. Don't go, and don't be friends with his parents any more. His dad, however nice, is a part of the overall package of your ex. His dad is one of your ex's good features, just like his other good features (if he has any ). When he became your ex, you lost the whole package, not just the bad parts.

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Well, actually I disagree that his parents should be thrown out alongside the ex. I do, however, question why his dad is comfortable asking me to be uncomfortable, but it's my fault if I go along with it. Anyway, I already said I would go and told his dad that even though I wasn't comfortable around his son, that the dinner was about him and not me, so I'd go.

[rebeccajones]

I think his Dad would understand if you explained to him that you felt uncomfortable, maybe next year you might feel better or you can have lunch with him sometime to celebrate his birthday. You have to do what is best for you and you still have healing to do. I don't think you HAVE to go I do think it will make you miss your relationship with your ex much more . Good Luck.

[ReturnToSender]

Im still very good friends with my ex's family a year after our breakup... His parents actually invited me over for dinner to talk with me about it just after the split, and let me know that thier relationship with me was independent of their son, and that they didnt only want me around cause I was "the gf" but because they valued our friendship.

 

The first time they invited me to something he was going to be at, it was really hard because I did not want to be around him, and didnt know how to act or anything and I could tell he was just as freaked out as I was, probably more even. Especially since the whole nite everyone was giving him dirty looks *aye!* When he did come up to me to say hi, even though I wanted to cry scream and everything inbetween I managed to keep my composure and was civil to him. Its gotten way easier since then, and now we're totally fine around each other.

 

For sure, making jabs at him or saying anything snide is *not* going to help, and its only going to set the ball in motion to make the event about *you* not about his dads bday, which is supposed to be a happy occassion. If you go, put yourself aside..the point of the event is to celebrate his dads bday, not to give you a chance to make yourself feel better by putting your ex down. Just let it lay. If youre super focused on that, then yeah, its better you dont go, cause it would not be nice at all if its remembered as the day thier sons ex started stuff and ruined the party....and they probably wont consider you as much of a friend as they thought and you wont get any more invites. Know what I mean?

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Yea, ReturntoSender. I know what you mean. My ex's parents said the same - that their relationship with me was separate from their relationship with him. And, out of principle, I think that's the right way.

 

OK... I will set it aside... but I must say this... dude's Match profile says he "exercises" 5 times a week. *I* exercise all the time. I have seen him 'exercise' less than 5 times in the 4 years I knew him. He used to tell me I was just too intense about it. Now... what he does do at least 5 days a week, and at least 6 hours a day is play World of Warcraft or watch online porn. Dude was skinny when I met him and has only gotten as scrawny as can be in the last year. It's obvious he doesn't exercise. lol

 

Anyway, as much as I'd like to make vindictive remarks about it. You are right. I will commit to not saying anything about any of that. It's really none of my business any more anyway. And I can be disgusted in private.

 

Why in the world would his dad want to put us in that situation when he knows how deep the resentment runs?

[ReturnToSender]

LoL! Yeah, I feel you. My ex all the time forever is saying that he so busy going for his exercise walk every day, but for awhile there his tum was getting bigger. I think its gone down now, but then, I generally think he looks great lately so my perception could be warped lol!

 

I dont think his dad is doing it to put you and him in that situation, hes doing it cause he wants to see two people he cares about at his bday. And yannow, youre all adults, no matter how deep the resentment, both of you can and should be civil to each other. Hey, for awhile there I wanted to rip my exs guts out and strangle the girl he left me for with it...hah! Seeing them together was something I avoided and never had to do, but him alone, yeah...I found a way to pull myself together, even when it took every inch of my being to do so. And Im glad I did cause looking back, it wouldnt have been worth it.

[swfc_77]

post a nice birthday card and explain under different circumstance you would be there.

 

its what i'd do if i liked my ex's mom, but thankfully i dont.

 

mutton dressed as lamb springs to mind

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mutton dressed as lamb springs to mind

 

LOL what do you mean, swfc? I've never heard this idiom before!

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I dont think his dad is doing it to put you and him in that situation, hes doing it cause he wants to see two people he cares about at his bday. And yannow, youre all adults, no matter how deep the resentment, both of you can and should be civil to each other. Hey, for awhile there I wanted to rip my exs guts out and strangle the girl he left me for with it...hah! Seeing them together was something I avoided and never had to do, but him alone, yeah...I found a way to pull myself together, even when it took every inch of my being to do so. And Im glad I did cause looking back, it wouldnt have been worth it.

 

OK. I'm going to be nice. No matter what. Maybe I'll take a xanax. lol Maybe it will help me stay in my own little mind and block him out.

[LoveTNT]

You don't HAVE to do anything. Honestly, it will set you back. If you want to go back than that's cool go. But be honest about it to yourself.

 

Look my Ex's family loves me too. She checks in through text here and there, but she's respecting what WE are going through etc. That is the way it should be,at least I think. That is there son.

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Hey! I went and pulled it off perfectly. Blocked him out, with the exception of the few comments he made to me, which I responded to shortly, but politely. He followed me out to ask about food I'd left in the fridge and my mail. I even mustered a "Thank You". Stern, but cordial nonetheless. Then apparently my sister left her leftover box behind and he called both of us, but neither answered. And he left a voicemail which I have not listened to and will avoid until I need to check my messages. She listened to hers and said it sounded very morose. It was indeed about the leftovers. Aaah. No more leftovers with him.

 

My sister said he seemed uncomfortable and sad. I was feeling quite cheerful, though, and jabbered jovially along all evening and manged to leave feeling the more empowered. I really do have this huge wall up. I don't even look at him or connect in any way. I don't think I could if I tried.

 

Thanks for helping to discourage me from my bitterness. It was fine and I actually feel quite better.

[ReturnToSender]

Awesome!!! Glad to hear it went well...and you had a good time regardless of his presence eh?! My ex was the same way too...all morose and sad, the whole nite actually. He kept looking at me all sad and like he wanted to say something to me, but scared to cause well, I was surrounded by friends and his fam and just having fun. He did come up to me at one point to say hi, actually he came up behind me, gave me a hug from behind and said hi. Lord I thought I was going to pass out right there lol! After that he disappeared altogether, and someone said he was sitting by himself downstairs looking like his dog just ran away...

 

Its way better now though...its been a year afterall, and things are much better between us now, but yeah, in the beginning it was rough, but Im glad I stuck it out. You will be too

[swfc_77]

Mutton dressed as lamb is term for middle-aged or elderly people trying to look a lot younger than they are, unsuccesfully.

 

i must say you have got more bottle than me, i wouldn't be able to converse with my ex over a family meal.

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Mutton dressed as lamb is term for middle-aged or elderly people trying to look a lot younger than they are, unsuccesfully.

 

LOL That's really funny. Is that a reference to your ex's mom? I wasn't sure if it was directed at my circumstances or yours.

 

i must say you have got more bottle than me, i wouldn't be able to converse with my ex over a family meal.

 

ha! Well, I didn't converse with him per se. I only responded (and tersely, at that) when he asked me the occasional question or I said, "Oh" if he commented on a conversation I was having with his parents. I was *not* conversational.

 

Do you think it's a 'bad sign' that I can't even look at him?

 

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RTS - I am so glad I was able to pull it off. You're right... and at some point I will be past the resentment and be especially glad I did not say or do anything vengeful.

[swfc_77]

yeah its a reference to her mother who i really liked at the start of our relationship, but after she lied to me and moved my ex's partner (who my ex went with when we split first time) in after a week of them together i realised her mother was shallow and quite irresponsable, she hardly even knew this kid, he had been with my ex's older sister 12 months prior to all this.

 

it would have been harder when we split if i actually liked her family, dont get me wrong they are not mass murderers or anything, but their views on life and overall morals are way different to mine and my family.

 

my ex is 20 and was engaged from 16 - 18

 

then met me 3 months after they split and was with me for 2 years 18 -20. yet she has been with 12, 13 different blokes which if that was my daughter i would pull to 1 side and have a quiet word, i may be wrong but thats my opinion. Its a shame because she could be a nice, attractive, respectable young women.

 

what ever happened to making a man wait and work for your affections, thats what i would expect to do if i met a women.

 

anyway back to you, it depends how you feel when you look at him if you feel nothing then i would say your over him, but if it hurts still a bit then maybe you shouldn't have gone. it was obviously hard for him, and i think its nice to have a bit of respect for other people's feeling (im not saying you dont) but dont forget that he might be hurting a lot over you but not showing it.

 

lot of people say on here to get a hobbie and get stuck into that and not to rebound give yourself a little time and respect to get over what has happened properly. thats what im doing at the minute.

 

hope this helps

[ReturnToSender]

Yeah, I had a really hard time looking at him... I dont know if its normal or not, or a bad sign or not, but what really sucked for me was that I wanted so badly to be able to see him and go "what was I thinking?!" or "hes not even that good looking" LoL! But yeah, whenever Id see him Id feel like I was melting. I still go through that. Argh!

 

But at least now Im not wishing I could hate his guts or anything like that....things are better all around. A little too better actually...hah! But in any case, it has always been that we've been able to behave really well around each other in social situations, never a worry that we would start any crazy drama. That shows you have a lot of respect for yourself and tons of self control which is admirable