sirens_song Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I just got out of a very complicated and toxic relationship. My boyfriend was extremely controlling. I made a few mistakes, but he pinned everything on me in regards to why our relationship was in shambles. I finally ended things last week and requested that he not communicate with me anymore. I'm happy to get my friends, family, and life back. It feels great to have time free to pursue my passion and live life, but there is only one thing... Why do I feel a twinge of sadness? Do women/men become dependent on the woman/man that was controlling them in their relationship? Why do I feel sad that I won't be hearing his voice or talking with him any more? Is this normal, or am I nuts? I'd appreciate your insight.
Don Ho Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Yes, you are nuts. Seriously, I think it normal, you hear that even from women that have left abusive men. Part of it are you dependency issues and part of it is just missing someone that you shared a relationship with. It will pass. Focus on the new opportunity and new freedom you have. The right guy will come along.
lapse Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Well, it could be Stockholm Syndrome, which is apparently common throughout all types of abusive relationships (with parents, SOs, POWs, etc.). See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome However, of course you're going to be sad. You invested in him emotionally. You loved him. You lost the dream of what your future with him would be. I feel about the same way coming out of what I know was a very unhealthy relationship. Nonetheless, when you spend a lot of time with someone and you share so much... and you imagine that you have a future together and you work for that... of course you're going to be a little sad. Maybe even a lot sad! My only advice is to accept that, acknowledge it, and also understand that the great future you envisioned was not possible with this person. The death of a dream is a major adjustment. And it's painful. That's just how it is.
Author sirens_song Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Thank you. I think you're right. I'm not allowing myself to accept the fact that I'm sad. Instead of trying to suppress it, I need to come to terms with it and accept that despite all of his despicable behavior, I loved him.
lapse Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I think we are having a similar experience. I moved out a week ago and I'm feeling great - it's such a relief to not have to constantly worry about which of my personality traits will be the next to be added to his collection of complaints and rants. And I think about him anyway. I'm still sad that it didn't go the way we thought it would. I wish I could give you a hug, but in lieu of that, I hope you're getting lots of hugs.
Author sirens_song Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Wow! Yes, there was always something I was doing/saying that wasn't right. I mean, who died and made him king of my universe? Mind you, I have my faults and made mistakes in the relationship, but don't we all? I wish I could give you a hug too. We deserve better and we will find better. Cheers to independent and strong women.
rebeccajones Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I will cheer to that one! Everything was my fault, he could do no wrong. I tried the best I could to make him and us happy, it wasn't ever enough. F that. Don't have time for all that. What about me!
Author sirens_song Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Thanks Don Ho, I'm not worried about "finding" someone, per say. I guess I'm just feeling a void that he (even in his effed up manner) filled for a while. And yes! F that. What I did was never good enough either, no matter how hard I tried. I wish him the best of luck in trying to find someone that will be absolutely perfect. Perhaps he should save time and just purchase a mannequin.
lapse Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Thanks Don Ho, I'm not worried about "finding" someone, per say. I guess I'm just feeling a void that he (even in his effed up manner) filled for a while. And yes! F that. What I did was never good enough either, no matter how hard I tried. I wish him the best of luck in trying to find someone that will be absolutely perfect. Perhaps he should save time and just purchase a mannequin. aaahahaha I've thought exactly the same thing.
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