Triggers

[wheelwright]

Yep I would have to say this is exactly what worked for me in not triggering. My XOM ended in a very distasteful way and said some pretty mean things to me. Anything good that ever happened during the A I don't really remember fondly because they are foreshadowed by his rude exit. My XAP ignored me until he needed his ego fed with his fishing emails to me:sick:. My H has never abandoned me like that, even during his A's.

 

I agree with this LD, and am working to this point.

 

Part of me makes excuses sometimes. You know those straws we grab.

 

I almost didn't reply to this post, cos I feel we understand one another. And then I thought that's exactly why I should reply.

 

I am still finding my way forward, and love your input as someone who is ahead of me. Thanks

[wheelwright]

You should let your BS read your posts here.

 

Believe me, he would not be surprised. Hurt at times, exactly as he is when I tell him the truth about how I feel.

 

Interestingly, this particular thread I would keep secret - because it's hard enough listening to music together as it is, and he is less sensitive to the symbolic nature of songs. He's a drummer - I like melody and lyrics (and the beat).

 

But that's only about the capacity of this thread to bring him hurt - he knows exactly how I feel about xMOM and our M.

 

Sometimes I wish I had been M to Dexter, cos then all would be clear. Or Spark, cos then someone would have made me be clear.

 

As it is, my H is letting me work through (and I him). So we have the painful (slow plaster) way.

 

Anyway, my H deserves both honesty and a decent attempt at reconciling. Well he deserves my love on a plate for decades in some ways.

 

But you are wrong in what I take to be your assumption - that I still gaslight H.

[desertIslandCactus]

Are you talking Chinese astrology here?

 

I'm a monkey. You?

 

Please elaborate more on this anyway - more that you have. I am mystified. And curious.

 

It was a joke (kind of)

 

You asked: How do you (BS) and your (WS) cope with seeing images of passionate infidelity played on screen.

 

Well I don't have a WS left .. but in my mind, I would view it with disgust - and to put it in animal form - he being the monkey figure and she the cow.

 

Perhaps in the beginning times I was all hurt and desolate ..

 

But I don't think I have EVER visualized those two, when watching my infidelity stories ..

[wheelwright]

It was a joke (kind of)

 

You asked: How do you (BS) and your (WS) cope with seeing images of passionate infidelity played on screen.

 

Well I don't have a WS left .. but in my mind, I would view it with disgust - and to put it in animal form - he being the monkey figure and she the cow.

 

Perhaps in the beginning times I was all hurt and desolate ..

 

But I don't think I have EVER visualized those two, when watching my infidelity stories ..

 

I get it now.

 

Very well put to one slow on the uptake!

 

I visualise all sorts myself - HB between xMOM and his BS, H with another AP/ONS, me with ONS, cr** sex between xMOM and his BS, deep intimacy between all and sundry. Me having cr** sex with xMOM because of the distrust. xMOM blanking me in the street - no that actually happened. And it doesn't stop at sex - I have all sorts of scenarios relating to the emotional element too.

 

And the rest!

[Spark1111]

My H missed her for awhile....I knew this intuitively and then he was honest enough to admit it....

 

But he denied triggers, although I am sure there were songs on his ipod by artists he would never download in a million years...that may have been her favorites....

 

I'm not stupid. I have known the man since he was 17; often better than he knew himself at times; certainly better than the "perfect" facade he presented to his OW. He was, or "pretended" to be whatever she needed him to be. It was what kept the illusion alive. She too, pretended to be a perfect, kind, calm. admiring lover. In reality, she is a very angry, unstable and unhappy woman. Hey, this was necessary to keep the affair illusion alive for BOTH of them: I will be whomever YOU need me to be.

 

Who wouldn't fall in love with that personna? Someone who adores you and all that you are at all times?

 

After a short time, he became obssessed with what would trigger me: afraid of it really and the consequences it would rain on our day.

 

See, he needed me to always be happy with him, like she was. He needed me to never voice a negative feeling, like she did; to never have an angry, sad, or painful experience or conversation aimed at him, like she did.

 

Unfortunately, life is messy, and angry, and sometimes negative. That's reality in a real relationship....and for a long time, he would run away from me.....because it was not the "perfection" of constant approval he boyh sought and received during his affair.

 

Coward.

 

Yes, I triggered. Yes, I grew aware of all the affair images in tv, film, song...and now, he cringes, grows uncomfortable, and watches me constantly to see how I react. Sometimes, when I laugh or am nonchalant I think it bothers him more than when I use to grow sad. Why? Because I never realized how it is everywhere and happening with so many and how easy it would be to have one if I were so inclined.

 

His affair burst my naive love bubble. I see infidelity now everywhere. And it is his karma to worry forever what I may do: no matter what reassurances I offer or with how much integrity I conduct my life. I cannot seem to console him.

 

Why?

 

Because I so loved and trusted him, I made his having an affair a piece of cake for him. It has come back to bite him in the azz.

 

As for anything that reminds him today of her or the affair? I sense contempt today. Wish that was not so, but it is so.

[wheelwright]

My H missed her for awhile....I knew this intuitively and then he was honest enough to admit it....

 

But he denied triggers, although I am sure there were songs on his ipod by artists he would never download in a million years...that may have been her favorites....

 

I'm not stupid. I have known the man since he was 17; often better than he knew himself at times; certainly better than the "perfect" facade he presented to his OW. He was, or "pretended" to be whatever she needed him to be. It was what kept the illusion alive. She too, pretended to be a perfect, kind, calm. admiring lover. In reality, she is a very angry, unstable and unhappy woman. Hey, this was necessary to keep the affair illusion alive for BOTH of them: I will be whomever YOU need me to be.

 

Who wouldn't fall in love with that personna? Someone who adores you and all that you are at all times?

 

After a short time, he became obssessed with what would trigger me: afraid of it really and the consequences it would rain on our day.

 

See, he needed me to always be happy with him, like she was. He needed me to never voice a negative feeling, like she did; to never have an angry, sad, or painful experience or conversation aimed at him, like she did.

 

Unfortunately, life is messy, and angry, and sometimes negative. That's reality in a real relationship....and for a long time, he would run away from me.....because it was not the "perfection" of constant approval he boyh sought and received during his affair.

 

Coward.

 

Yes, I triggered. Yes, I grew aware of all the affair images in tv, film, song...and now, he cringes, grows uncomfortable, and watches me constantly to see how I react. Sometimes, when I laugh or am nonchalant I think it bothers him more than when I use to grow sad. Why? Because I never realized how it is everywhere and happening with so many and how easy it would be to have one if I were so inclined.

 

His affair burst my naive love bubble. I see infidelity now everywhere. And it is his karma to worry forever what I may do: no matter what reassurances I offer or with how much integrity I conduct my life. I cannot seem to console him.

 

Why?

 

Because I so loved and trusted him, I made his having an affair a piece of cake for him. It has come back to bite him in the azz.

 

As for anything that reminds him today of her or the affair? I sense contempt today. Wish that was not so, but it is so.

 

I would like to say I wonder if xMOM feels contempt for me - but in reality that idea fills me with a lot of emotion I can't deal with. Really.

 

I think it's a sign of your H's dedication that he pays attention to your triggers.

 

I like bolded about the messy bit.

 

You seem to be a great reconciler - so down to earth.

 

I am used to being devils advocate to find the truth, but you have such certainty.

 

I see how you perceive the paranoia element here - that it's his. After all it's your game in a way now. You have the 'fidelity' joker to play any time. He knows you don't intend to use that, but he knows he deserves it on some level.

 

I appreciated your honesty about triggers, cos I have both - that horrible how is my H feeling and the loss of a love to deal with.

[wheelwright]

In terms of this thread

 

I am right now listening to Fugees version of Killing Me Softly.

 

Coincidence - haven't chosen to listen to that for a while,

 

but don't we all have a trigger that kills us softly?

[Spark1111]

I would like to say I wonder if xMOM feels contempt for me - but in reality that idea fills me with a lot of emotion I can't deal with. Really.

 

I think it's a sign of your H's dedication that he pays attention to your triggers.

 

I like bolded about the messy bit.

 

You seem to be a great reconciler - so down to earth.

 

I am used to being devils advocate to find the truth, but you have such certainty.

 

I see how you perceive the paranoia element here - that it's his. After all it's your game in a way now. You have the 'fidelity' joker to play any time. He knows you don't intend to use that, but he knows he deserves it on some level.

 

I appreciated your honesty about triggers, cos I have both - that horrible how is my H feeling and the loss of a love to deal with.

 

WW, thank you!

 

I have three questions for you (and there is a lot of good therapy behind them)

 

1. How did your AP make your feel?

 

2. How did he accomplish that? (What specifically did he do to make you feel so cherished? Listen to you? Flatter you? Validate you? Think hard.)

 

3. Now that you have identified this (I did not say this would be easy!) can you communicate exactly what you would need to your H to feel cherished, loved, flattered, validated, by him????

 

Has he ever identified or communicated exactly what his affair partner did to make him feel so special? Is it something you could do??

 

See? Without introspection to OURSELVES, we will never be able to enact the changes we need. We will always be pining away for someone out there to give it to us.

[wheelwright]

WW, thank you!

 

I have three questions for you (and there is a lot of good therapy behind them)

 

1. How did your AP make your feel?

 

Like I was with my soulmate. Like he could read my mind and I his. Like I had always known him. Like I was scared he was going to hurt me.

 

2. How did he accomplish that? (What specifically did he do to make you feel so cherished? Listen to you? Flatter you? Validate you? Think hard.)

 

He was a clever people person. He might have been able to get a lot of people that way. And I was willing to make that him making me special extra special - he was happy to let me believe that.

 

Plus when we had sex, it really did feel to me I had always known him. Like I could spend my whole life with that man because the mind fu**s were so good. It wasn't about the sex - I felt like I was with a childhood friend who I could forever be in cahoots with. Like we fit. Like none of the questions that should matter mattered.

 

Like we were the best and the most childish. Like I was glad to be with someone who thought about life in terms where cultural morals weren't the answer, but who knew they were important.

 

Like I had met my match, and it no longer mattered what that meant to others.

 

Like he and I were important.

 

Like some serpent had risen and fixated me in a way I could not resist.

 

Like I was myself - but a self that was over the edge.

 

Like I walked on air at times.

 

Like I was in love, and that it was dangerous to feel that.

 

And the most alive and beautiful feeling possible.

 

3. Now that you have identified this (I did not say this would be easy!) can you communicate exactly what you would need to your H to feel cherished, loved, flattered, validated, by him????

 

 

No not possible.

 

Has he ever identified or communicated exactly what his affair partner did to make him feel so special? Is it something you could do??

 

No, but from what I gather for him it is a simple cake-eating thing. He'd just like a bit of that. He doesn't have to have it to be fulfilled.

 

Then again, he's a porn addict, so all is not entirely healthy there.

 

See? Without introspection to OURSELVES, we will never be able to enact the changes we need. We will always be pining away for someone out there to give it to us.

 

I have valued the introspection you directed me to.

 

I tried to be honest and not sickly in the answers I gave. I am not sure what they mean.

Edited November 4, 2010 by wheelwright

[oxfordsocks]

"And how can you miss someone who rudely turned their back on you."

 

My husband cheated on me with a girl I was BEST friends with since the 9th grade. They were sneaky and mischievous. I was hurt, furious and all sorts of other emotions.

 

We reconciled and are working it. Going on 10 months now. I think about my best friend a lot. We were close and now I have major trust issues and in result don’t have any friends. I miss having her around. Sad and pathetic I know.

 

But I love my husband more than her. I would rather be with my husband everyday then be friends with a sleezy woman like her.

 

Your best friend is a sleeze---but you love your husband who you took vows with--why can you not forgive the friend as you have done your husband. If she is a sleeze so is your husband. I have never understood why one comes out worse than the other.

[pureinheart]

I have an almost sadistic capacity for truth in the R now. So we are doing the talking - and this is wonderful. We are now at the stage where we may share a joke about where our psyches are at given the A.

 

Some of my friends say to me - you don't have to tell your SO everything. And of course I employ tact where appropriate. The deep down feelings and issues have been well aired. Including my problems getting over MM - the cause of some angry episodes in H. And he and I can listen to one another and act on what we hear.

 

I am not fully reconciled at all. In fact I am just about at the point where I can deal with the problems as they were in the M pre-A, without the A being the biggest issue.

 

My H does question my love - that's one of the foci of our attempted reconciliation. Damn right I'm not fully invested, and H knows.

 

I like what you said about imagining serial Rs. I need some time to think about that idea.

 

Thanks for a great and considered response.

 

I did not even read the rest of your post or thread...in bold is where it's at. WW 90% of people today are unable to get this real.

[Silly_Girl]

Your best friend is a sleeze---but you love your husband who you took vows with--why can you not forgive the friend as you have done your husband. If she is a sleeze so is your husband. I have never understood why one comes out worse than the other.

 

I agree. I felt more hurt by my best friend than my bf, when in the same boat. I worked through it with the guy, but missed my friend terribly for two years. So we talked, sorted things, we're as close as ever. And a couple of years after that the bloke was long gone!!

[jthorne]

Believe me, he would not be surprised. Hurt at times, exactly as he is when I tell him the truth about how I feel.

 

Interestingly, this particular thread I would keep secret - because it's hard enough listening to music together as it is, and he is less sensitive to the symbolic nature of songs. He's a drummer - I like melody and lyrics (and the beat).

 

But that's only about the capacity of this thread to bring him hurt - he knows exactly how I feel about xMOM and our M.

 

Sometimes I wish I had been M to Dexter, cos then all would be clear. Or Spark, cos then someone would have made me be clear.

 

As it is, my H is letting me work through (and I him). So we have the painful (slow plaster) way.

 

Anyway, my H deserves both honesty and a decent attempt at reconciling. Well he deserves my love on a plate for decades in some ways.

 

But you are wrong in what I take to be your assumption - that I still gaslight H.

Well, you took it wrong. I never said that you gaslight your H. But the fact that you would keep this particular thread from him is very telling.

 

To me, when you write threads like this, it is a small way of keeping the A alive. In that sense, what you called a decent attempt at reconcilliation, isn't so much. I do not think you gaslight your H, I think you are relatively honest about your feelings. But I don't think you are completely honest (illustrated by this thread) with him on the extent of those feelings.

 

You are right. I wish your H were more like Dexter too. No disrespect meant as I think you might agree, but I think your H deserves better.

[ladydesigner]

I have valued the introspection you directed me to.

I have three questions for you (and there is a lot of good therapy behind them)

 

1. How did your AP make your feel?

 

Like I was with my soulmate. Like he could read my mind and I his. Like I had always known him. Like I was scared he was going to hurt me.

 

2. How did he accomplish that? (What specifically did he do to make you feel so cherished? Listen to you? Flatter you? Validate you? Think hard.)

 

He was a clever people person. He might have been able to get a lot of people that way. And I was willing to make that him making me special extra special - he was happy to let me believe that.

 

Plus when we had sex, it really did feel to me I had always known him. Like I could spend my whole life with that man because the mind fu**s were so good. It wasn't about the sex - I felt like I was with a childhood friend who I could forever be in cahoots with. Like we fit. Like none of the questions that should matter mattered.

 

Like we were the best and the most childish. Like I was glad to be with someone who thought about life in terms where cultural morals weren't the answer, but who knew they were important.

 

Like I had met my match, and it no longer mattered what that meant to others.

 

Like he and I were important.

 

Like some serpent had risen and fixated me in a way I could not resist.

 

Like I was myself - but a self that was over the edge.

 

Like I walked on air at times.

 

Like I was in love, and that it was dangerous to feel that.

 

And the most alive and beautiful feeling possible.

 

3. Now that you have identified this (I did not say this would be easy!) can you communicate exactly what you would need to your H to feel cherished, loved, flattered, validated, by him????

 

 

No not possible.

 

Has he ever identified or communicated exactly what his affair partner did to make him feel so special? Is it something you could do??

 

No, but from what I gather for him it is a simple cake-eating thing. He'd just like a bit of that. He doesn't have to have it to be fulfilled.

 

Then again, he's a porn addict, so all is not entirely healthy there.

 

See? Without introspection to OURSELVES, we will never be able to enact the changes we need. We will always be pining away for someone out there to give it to us.

 

I tried to be honest and not sickly in the answers I gave. I am not sure what they mean.

 

Wow WW I felt all of these things with my XAP too, especially the part where it wasn't all about the sex. Me and my XAP did not have sex often it was a definite emotional bond. An emotional bond I still don't completely have with my H, but am still working on it. I felt very much alive again in my A as well and that really scared me. Still does.

 

It's funny I triggered last night, over a movie. The scenes just reminded me of my XAP and how passionate and emotional our A was. Not a good trigger:( But back in reality today. That reality being that my XAP did turn his back on me, did become a person I did not recognize him to be. Did say things that were incredibly hurtful to me. I felt strung along, like everything he said were just "words" with no true meaning. What a crock of sh*t it all was.

 

The triggers that bother me are when my mind won't let go of the awful way our A ended. I would have much rather preferred him to be honest from the beginning rather than lead me to a place where feelings had developed. I thought he had feelings as well, but I know now that he did not. This is the part I need to learn to let go of. The rejection. Being rejected has been the worst feeling so far from my A. Not only from my H's A but from my XAP as well. Like a double whammy.

[Dexter Morgan]

And I take this view very seriously!

 

Sometimes I envy you Dexter - your quick, intelligent and certain take on things.

 

Thing is, I don't know yet if it is wisdom or just judgement.

 

oh its wisdom...as I have lived through it.

 

back at ya

[wheelwright]

Well, you took it wrong. I never said that you gaslight your H. But the fact that you would keep this particular thread from him is very telling.

 

To me, when you write threads like this, it is a small way of keeping the A alive. In that sense, what you called a decent attempt at reconcilliation, isn't so much. I do not think you gaslight your H, I think you are relatively honest about your feelings. But I don't think you are completely honest (illustrated by this thread) with him on the extent of those feelings.

 

You are right. I wish your H were more like Dexter too. No disrespect meant as I think you might agree, but I think your H deserves better.

 

Thanks for this reply. I am glad you see I am not gaslighting.

 

I have a number of responses to bolded. First, it's not the extent of the feelings that are not revealed - it's the manner in which this affects my day to day existence which I don't go into. I would if he asked me. He gets triggered by stuff too. i have to assume there is an unwritten pact to not go there - it could be damaging.

 

Secondly, sometimes I do relive my A feelings here on LS. Until they completely subside, I will continue to do this rather than attempt to bury them. I agree that sometimes this might send me backwards - but I am making progress. I am far away from the lovesick pathetic OW who came to LS a year ago. Mainly, I am less confused and in less pain. LS has helped with that.

 

Thirdly, I kept away from LS for a few days, and only read this response on my return. Miraculously, the triggers which had been sending me into vivid memories of my A have lost 80% of their power (or the power I gave them). I am just not going there anymore.

 

Triggers was one of the areas I had not been open about, and being open here has somehow helped. Or perhaps I was able to talk because this issue is on the brink of being resolved anyway.

 

Perhaps, and I am not saying this is always the case, this thread helped me resolve an A issue, rather than just to dwell on it.

 

It helped when Des Isl Cact pointed out that continuing to invest emotions (via triggers) in someone who turned their back on me was pretty dumb.

 

I seem to be evolving in the way Lady Designer did. Recognising the way I was treated by xMOM is part of that. Exploring triggers another.

 

I also started this thread to try to understand how H feels when confronted by A sex on screen. Seren helped with that - and pointed out something else.

 

That to overcome our triggers, we need to seek them out and let them rip, until they rip us no more, and only remind us without the sense of emotional fallout. Over the last five days I have not been triggered once. This may not seem like much, but to me feels like a big wedge of freedom.

[wheelwright]

Wow WW I felt all of these things with my XAP too, especially the part where it wasn't all about the sex. Me and my XAP did not have sex often it was a definite emotional bond. An emotional bond I still don't completely have with my H, but am still working on it. I felt very much alive again in my A as well and that really scared me. Still does.

 

It's funny I triggered last night, over a movie. The scenes just reminded me of my XAP and how passionate and emotional our A was. Not a good trigger:( But back in reality today. That reality being that my XAP did turn his back on me, did become a person I did not recognize him to be. Did say things that were incredibly hurtful to me. I felt strung along, like everything he said were just "words" with no true meaning. What a crock of sh*t it all was.

 

The triggers that bother me are when my mind won't let go of the awful way our A ended. I would have much rather preferred him to be honest from the beginning rather than lead me to a place where feelings had developed. I thought he had feelings as well, but I know now that he did not. This is the part I need to learn to let go of. The rejection. Being rejected has been the worst feeling so far from my A. Not only from my H's A but from my XAP as well. Like a double whammy.

 

I feel similarly about the empty words from xMOM. But I also know that his was a complex mixture of honesty, feelings for me, confusion, lack of trust, and lies. I perceive him differently now I am no longer invested in making excuses for his behaviour. But I have some sympathy with his plight too.

 

For me the rejection must have been hard I guess. When he rededicated to his W. But the abandonment after DDay was what had the lasting hurt. I tried to work out if this meant he had no feelings for me - that it was a sham. But I don't know and never will.

 

I do know that I would never trust him now, or allow myself to trust my feelings for him. That even if he did have feelings for me, if he could treat me like that they are not feelings that I value.

 

I can see why you were sent spinning by the double dose of man s**t! One dose was enough for me.

 

But it's not just about the way we are treated, is it? It's about the feelings we invested and trusted. For BSs and OW/OM under those buses.

 

Hope you are well LD