Triggers

[wheelwright]

I still can't listen to a love song (well a good or pertinent one) or see a movie that involves sacrifice/love/split self/betrayal without revisiting my feelings for xMOM. Or feelings for my H (remorse/lack thereof )

 

1 and 1/2 years out of A.

 

These triggers are still quite intense, though far less painful. They are no less frequent.

 

There aren't too many reconcilers on these boards, but to any out there, how do you deal with this facet of a former love A?

 

Or am I expecting the intensity to drop too soon?

 

Also to BSs, how do you and your WS cope with seeing images of passionate infidelity played out on screen? In song?

[seren]

To be honest WW, in the early days after D Day, I couldn't even read the word affair without feeling sick to my stomach. Then realised it was just a word, a play was just a play and a song just words. None of it had any relation to me, my husband or our marriage. Now, I just concentrate on the programme or enjoy the song. At one point I made the decision to look forward and live in the now and not keep looking back, or I would have burned up.

 

I couldn't change what had been, but I could change what was to come. My husband feels uncomfortable and usually apologises if there is an A scene, I usually respond with a hug. I have always commented that A's were crap, even before his A, I still think they are crap, but now realise that the word is far too small for the huge damage it can cause.

[JAGeezer]

Over a quarter of a century later and I still can't stand the smell of my unlamented late-WW's perfume.

 

Will it be that way for you? I don't know. Everyone is different. You may get past it, or that song or songs may be off of your play list for the rest of your life. Only time will tell.

 

JAG

[TheMENemy]

I still can't listen to a love song (well a good or pertinent one) or see a movie that involves sacrifice/love/split self/betrayal without revisiting my feelings for xMOM. Or feelings for my H (remorse/lack thereof )

 

1 and 1/2 years out of A.

 

You're exactly where you want to be.

[Owl]

I still can't listen to a love song (well a good or pertinent one) or see a movie that involves sacrifice/love/split self/betrayal without revisiting my feelings for xMOM. Or feelings for my H (remorse/lack thereof )

 

1 and 1/2 years out of A.

 

These triggers are still quite intense, though far less painful. They are no less frequent.

 

There aren't too many reconcilers on these boards, but to any out there, how do you deal with this facet of a former love A?

 

Or am I expecting the intensity to drop too soon?

 

Also to BSs, how do you and your WS cope with seeing images of passionate infidelity played out on screen? In song?

 

WW...in truth, I'm trying to figure out whether or not you're truly "reconciled" with your H. The lack of remorse for me is an indicator. Add to that the fact that you STILL feel so strongly about xMOM a year later would tell me that you've not completely re-invested in your marriage. You're still "holding out" part of yourself from that relationship. The part that keeps finding itself thinking about xMOM and wandering back to that relationship.

 

Take the infidelity factor out of this for a minute.

 

Look at it as if you'd had two serial relationships instead of two overlapping ones.

 

If you're still "missing" xMOM that much...then there's "that much" of you that's still not committed to your H/marriage.

 

I'd suggest that you either investigate what's keeping you from committing wholly to the marriage...or consider if your marriage is capable of getting your full committment and attention and focus anymore.

 

This is going to sound harsh...but I don't mean it as an attack.

 

But honestly...if I had read this post from my wife 1 1/2 years post d-day...I'd be seriously questioning whether or not she truly loved me, and whether or not we should continue to try to reconcile.

 

Now...I've also read that it can take 2-5 years to reconcile/recover post-infidelity. We took about 2 years...but we may have been the exception rather than the rule.

 

At any rate, my only suggestions to you would be to fix the communications with your H. I'd guess that they're still broken. Does he know you're still triggering, still feeling this strongly for xMOM after all this time? Tell him, even though it'll hurt. TALK about these feelings with him...see what he can do to help you deal with it. See if he's willing to help you deal with it. See what can be done to help you work through what still may be missing in your marriage. Consider what it is that you "miss" about your relationship with xMOM...and see if it's something that's still missing in your marriage. Then address that (or not, as appropriate).

[Snowflower]

 

 

Also to BSs, how do you and your WS cope with seeing images of passionate infidelity played out on screen? In song?

 

I don't think a BS's reaction to infidelity played out on a screen will ever be the same as that of a WS/AP. So my reactions to a scene or news blurb will be different from yours. Not sure if my response will help.

 

But since you asked, I worked to desensitize myself to it. If there was a movie about infidelity--I would watch it. If a TV episode had a plot about infidelity I would tune in, even if I didn't normally watch that show. I would read the article in the magazine about celebrity so and so and their scandal.

 

Not sure why I did this--except that I didn't want to remain overly-sensitive to the subject or be caught unaware when I heard about or saw infidelity.

 

As for my H, the whole subject makes him uncomfortable and I notice that he looks for my reaction and tries to change the channel!

Edited November 3, 2010 by Snowflower
Word choice!

[desertIslandCactus]

 

If you're still "missing" xMOM that much...then there's "that much" of you that's still not committed to your H/marriage.

 

).

 

 

And how can you miss someone who rudely turned their back on you.

 

I think you're in love with Love.

[carhill]

There aren't too many reconcilers on these boards, but to any out there, how do you deal with this facet of a former love A?

 

One way, though I'm not a reconciler (we tried), is to accept this:

 

how can you miss someone who rudely turned their back on you.

 

Accepting this has allowed me to completely eliminate triggers from my psyche. It's very peaceful.

 

Hope things work out for you

[desertIslandCactus]

 

Also to BSs, how do you and your WS cope with seeing images of passionate infidelity played out on screen? In song?

 

How can a Monkey and a Cow have passion.

[ladydesigner]

One way, though I'm not a reconciler (we tried), is to accept this:

 

how can you miss someone who rudely turned their back on you.

 

 

Accepting this has allowed me to completely eliminate triggers from my psyche. It's very peaceful.

 

Hope things work out for you

 

Yep I would have to say this is exactly what worked for me in not triggering. My XOM ended in a very distasteful way and said some pretty mean things to me. Anything good that ever happened during the A I don't really remember fondly because they are foreshadowed by his rude exit. My XAP ignored me until he needed his ego fed with his fishing emails to me:sick:. My H has never abandoned me like that, even during his A's.

[young&inlove]

"And how can you miss someone who rudely turned their back on you."

 

My husband cheated on me with a girl I was BEST friends with since the 9th grade. They were sneaky and mischievous. I was hurt, furious and all sorts of other emotions.

 

We reconciled and are working it. Going on 10 months now. I think about my best friend a lot. We were close and now I have major trust issues and in result don’t have any friends. I miss having her around. Sad and pathetic I know.

 

But I love my husband more than her. I would rather be with my husband everyday then be friends with a sleezy woman like her.

Edited November 3, 2010 by young&inlove

[Dexter Morgan]

I still can't listen to a love song (well a good or pertinent one) or see a movie that involves sacrifice/love/split self/betrayal without revisiting my feelings for xMOM. Or feelings for my H (remorse/lack thereof )

 

1 and 1/2 years out of A.

 

These triggers are still quite intense, though far less painful. They are no less frequent.

 

There aren't too many reconcilers on these boards, but to any out there, how do you deal with this facet of a former love A?

 

Or am I expecting the intensity to drop too soon?

 

Also to BSs, how do you and your WS cope with seeing images of passionate infidelity played out on screen? In song?

 

*sigh* this is why I always say its better to divorce.

[desertIslandCactus]

"And how can you miss someone who rudely turned their back on you."

 

My husband cheated on me with a girl I was BEST friends with since the 9th grade. They were sneaky and mischievous. I was hurt, furious and all sorts of other emotions.

 

We reconciled and are working it. Going on 10 months now. I think about my best friend a lot. We were close and now I have major trust issues and in result don’t have any friends. I miss having her around. Sad and pathetic I know.

 

But I love my husband more than her. I would rather be with my husband everyday then be friends with a sleezy woman like her.

 

You will attract friends. Loyal trustworthy fun friends.

[Dexter Morgan]

I still can't listen to a love song (well a good or pertinent one) or see a movie that involves sacrifice/love/split self/betrayal without revisiting my feelings for xMOM. Or feelings for my H (remorse/lack thereof )

 

1 and 1/2 years out of A.

 

These triggers are still quite intense, though far less painful. They are no less frequent.

 

There aren't too many reconcilers on these boards, but to any out there, how do you deal with this facet of a former love A?

 

Or am I expecting the intensity to drop too soon?

 

Also to BSs, how do you and your WS cope with seeing images of passionate infidelity played out on screen? In song?

 

*sigh* this is why I always say its better to divorce.

[wheelwright]

WW...in truth, I'm trying to figure out whether or not you're truly "reconciled" with your H. The lack of remorse for me is an indicator. Add to that the fact that you STILL feel so strongly about xMOM a year later would tell me that you've not completely re-invested in your marriage. You're still "holding out" part of yourself from that relationship. The part that keeps finding itself thinking about xMOM and wandering back to that relationship.

 

Take the infidelity factor out of this for a minute.

 

Look at it as if you'd had two serial relationships instead of two overlapping ones.

 

If you're still "missing" xMOM that much...then there's "that much" of you that's still not committed to your H/marriage.

 

I'd suggest that you either investigate what's keeping you from committing wholly to the marriage...or consider if your marriage is capable of getting your full committment and attention and focus anymore.

 

This is going to sound harsh...but I don't mean it as an attack.

 

But honestly...if I had read this post from my wife 1 1/2 years post d-day...I'd be seriously questioning whether or not she truly loved me, and whether or not we should continue to try to reconcile.

 

Now...I've also read that it can take 2-5 years to reconcile/recover post-infidelity. We took about 2 years...but we may have been the exception rather than the rule.

 

At any rate, my only suggestions to you would be to fix the communications with your H. I'd guess that they're still broken. Does he know you're still triggering, still feeling this strongly for xMOM after all this time? Tell him, even though it'll hurt. TALK about these feelings with him...see what he can do to help you deal with it. See if he's willing to help you deal with it. See what can be done to help you work through what still may be missing in your marriage. Consider what it is that you "miss" about your relationship with xMOM...and see if it's something that's still missing in your marriage. Then address that (or not, as appropriate).

 

I have an almost sadistic capacity for truth in the R now. So we are doing the talking - and this is wonderful. We are now at the stage where we may share a joke about where our psyches are at given the A.

 

Some of my friends say to me - you don't have to tell your SO everything. And of course I employ tact where appropriate. The deep down feelings and issues have been well aired. Including my problems getting over MM - the cause of some angry episodes in H. And he and I can listen to one another and act on what we hear.

 

I am not fully reconciled at all. In fact I am just about at the point where I can deal with the problems as they were in the M pre-A, without the A being the biggest issue.

 

My H does question my love - that's one of the foci of our attempted reconciliation. Damn right I'm not fully invested, and H knows.

 

I like what you said about imagining serial Rs. I need some time to think about that idea.

 

Thanks for a great and considered response.

[wheelwright]

And how can you miss someone who rudely turned their back on you.

 

I think you're in love with Love.

 

 

Yep. Love feels good. And that he turned his back means I was left floundering.

 

I miss the potential, the vibe before he turned his back. My triggering now takes that into account - there is an acknowledgement that what happened means I need to reevaluate the love.

 

I saw a TV show where someone turned out not to be who you thought he was. Trigger xMOM. Good news, as before it was always "soul mate love what can I do but be/wait for you" type stuff.

 

The big triggers are often those which remind me I was truly in love.

 

I am in love with love though. Is that a bad thing?

[desertIslandCactus]

Yep. Love feels good. And that he turned his back means I was left floundering.

 

I miss the potential, the vibe before he turned his back. My triggering now takes that into account - there is an acknowledgement that what happened means I need to reevaluate the love.

 

I saw a TV show where someone turned out not to be who you thought he was. Trigger xMOM. Good news, as before it was always "soul mate love what can I do but be/wait for you" type stuff.

 

The big triggers are often those which remind me I was truly in love.

 

I am in love with love though. Is that a bad thing?

 

I am too.. and I've never considered it a bad thing.

[wheelwright]

To be honest WW, in the early days after D Day, I couldn't even read the word affair without feeling sick to my stomach. Then realised it was just a word, a play was just a play and a song just words. None of it had any relation to me, my husband or our marriage. Now, I just concentrate on the programme or enjoy the song. At one point I made the decision to look forward and live in the now and not keep looking back, or I would have burned up.

 

I couldn't change what had been, but I could change what was to come. My husband feels uncomfortable and usually apologises if there is an A scene, I usually respond with a hug. I have always commented that A's were crap, even before his A, I still think they are crap, but now realise that the word is far too small for the huge damage it can cause.

 

When I watch TV etc. I think bolded.

 

I think my H must have done what you have done. Because he can watch stuff with me.

 

As a WS at these times, I worry more about what he is feeling than my own triggers, so I understand the hug.

 

I am not sure if I live like you describe - without directly responding to songs etc. I think I have to work through rather than put aside.

 

But that's (flawed) me.

[wheelwright]

You're exactly where you want to be.

 

Anyone who has any remote experience with the place I have been at over the last two years would know this isn't true.

 

All the same, I get your point.

 

Sometimes the mind has less control. Sometimes other elements are taking a strident stance in a way that people who have not faced this do not get.

 

I once found depression a hard thing to accept in others - well they could just wake up and smell the roses, couldn't they?

[desertIslandCactus]

How can a Monkey and a Cow have passion.

 

 

And to elaborate on BS's seeing Passionate Infidelity pieces .. That statement above might have been my tongue-in-cheek humor .. But I've never visualized those two in so-called passion.

 

Any junky things I watch (Love Mad Men & Lifetime stories) .. are for my own escape only.

[wheelwright]

I don't think a BS's reaction to infidelity played out on a screen will ever be the same as that of a WS/AP. So my reactions to a scene or news blurb will be different from yours. Not sure if my response will help.

 

But since you asked, I worked to desensitize myself to it. If there was a movie about infidelity--I would watch it. If a TV episode had a plot about infidelity I would tune in, even if I didn't normally watch that show. I would read the article in the magazine about celebrity so and so and their scandal.

 

Not sure why I did this--except that I didn't want to remain overly-sensitive to the subject or be caught unaware when I heard about or saw infidelity.

 

As for my H, the whole subject makes him uncomfortable and I notice that he looks for my reaction and tries to change the channel!

 

Like bolded.

 

Your reaction seems very healthy. Face it till it doesn't trigger. Work through it.

 

Don't know how long it will take for me on the other side of the fence. Probably forever - as someone else pointed out I am in love with Love.

 

And this thread is helping me because I can see how deep this issue goes.

 

Triggers that still have their power speak of sensitivity still active.

 

Sometimes when I try to desensitize myself I feel dead - but sometimes the pain free side of that feels like progress.

 

It's another learning curve. Perhaps I should be more like Dexter, then I wouldn't have to deal with this issue...

[wheelwright]

One way, though I'm not a reconciler (we tried), is to accept this:

 

 

 

Accepting this has allowed me to completely eliminate triggers from my psyche. It's very peaceful.

 

Hope things work out for you

 

Peace is my main objective now. Whatever triggers send me into unpeaceful reveries!

[wheelwright]

*sigh* this is why I always say its better to divorce.

 

And I take this view very seriously!

 

Sometimes I envy you Dexter - your quick, intelligent and certain take on things.

 

Thing is, I don't know yet if it is wisdom or just judgement.

[wheelwright]

How can a Monkey and a Cow have passion.

 

Are you talking Chinese astrology here?

 

I'm a monkey. You?

 

Please elaborate more on this anyway - more that you have. I am mystified. And curious.

[jthorne]

You should let your BS read your posts here.