dapantsu Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 My long-distance boyfriend of 1.5 years is becoming even more distant and really just lazier than he even was to begin with, and I don't know what to do about it. How do you cope in an LDR when the other person doesn't want to do any of the things to keep you sane? We don't talk on the phone, he won't talk on mic due to privacy, he doesn't want to cam (he rejects/ignores my invites about 50% of the time, and I send them very rarely because I don't like the rejection) because he says he feels uncomfortable being watched, and my cam brings up too many ads on the IM client we use, a response which makes me feel very insecure, because it seems all his friends think I'm so attractive, but he doesn't. You can imagine with no webcam or audio we have no interactive sex life, we don't have a text-based one either. I said we should switch to skype, he agreed, I downloaded...he didn't. We played video games for awhile, but he's so incredibly fickle and picky about what games he'll play, it's really him playing for the game not for us to spend time together. Just the other day he got some beta invites for a new game, offered me one, I said yes, and then he said I couldn't actually have it unless I really played it because it was "reserved" for his friend and some random girl his friend likes. This was right after a discussion we had involving me saying I felt sad that my networking site feed (we met on and are involved with a fetish networking site) was full of him and these people making plans to game together IRL, and that I could never go to these things and game too. Until a couple weeks ago we used to spend a lot of time on IM chatting, so I would feel like my expecting more attention in the forms I mentioned in my post was maybe unreasonable. Am I just being clingy/needy here or what? I don't really want to fight with him about this stuff unless I have some alternative suggestions to make, so does anyone have some good ones other than those I mentioned?
sirens_song Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Just a quick question for you: Have you two met yet? Or is this an online LDR?
Author dapantsu Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 (edited) Hi sirens_song! We met in person about a month after meeting online. We live 3.5 hours apart, usually seeing each other every month for 3 days - a week at a time. Sometimes we got two months in between (like now) or sometimes we see each other more than once a month, like next month! Edited November 3, 2010 by dapantsu
sirens_song Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I see. Have you tried talking to him? In an LDR, when you're not with your significant other, all you have is conversation. Sure, there are some internet games and various means of amusement, but even those won't be as enjoyable if the core mental connection isn't present. If I were you, I'd talk to him and tell him that his lack of motivation to livechat with you is upsetting (or you can use a lighter word). LDRs are difficult to begin with (I just got out of one last week, actually) and if you two aren't communicating, then things are going to eventually fall apart. I don't mean to sound negative, but communication is everything. And that includes the way you're feeling about what he's doing right now. I guarantee that if he cares about you he will make some effort in rectifying this. Good luck!
Els Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I'm going to be very honest here. There's a difference between coping with normal LDR troubles, and coping with a partner who is making an LDR troublesome. To be very honest, I would find it worrisome if my partner consistently didn't want to use cam/phone/mic, unless there was an extremely good reason. His don't sound like... very good reasons. Most people aren't perfect with regards to communication, especially in LDRs, but your guy really doesn't sound like he's even trying. Was he always like this, or did he suddenly deteriorate sharply? If the latter, did anything significant happen before it? To him, to you, or in your relationship? What does he do that makes you happy? What is keeping you in this relationship? How is he like when you're together? I know these are more questions than answers, but I promise the answers will come after.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I agree. To be honest, from what you've said, he doesn't sound too interested in your relationship I see. Have you tried talking to him? In an LDR, when you're not with your significant other, all you have is conversation. Sure, there are some internet games and various means of amusement, but even those won't be as enjoyable if the core mental connection isn't present. If I were you, I'd talk to him and tell him that his lack of motivation to livechat with you is upsetting (or you can use a lighter word). LDRs are difficult to begin with (I just got out of one last week, actually) and if you two aren't communicating, then things are going to eventually fall apart. I don't mean to sound negative, but communication is everything. And that includes the way you're feeling about what he's doing right now. I guarantee that if he cares about you he will make some effort in rectifying this. Good luck!
folieadeux Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I'm going to be very honest here. There's a difference between coping with normal LDR troubles, and coping with a partner who is making an LDR troublesome. To be very honest, I would find it worrisome if my partner consistently didn't want to use cam/phone/mic, unless there was an extremely good reason. His don't sound like... very good reasons. Most people aren't perfect with regards to communication, especially in LDRs, but your guy really doesn't sound like he's even trying. Was he always like this, or did he suddenly deteriorate sharply? If the latter, did anything significant happen before it? To him, to you, or in your relationship? What does he do that makes you happy? What is keeping you in this relationship? How is he like when you're together? I know these are more questions than answers, but I promise the answers will come after. I couldn't agree more. LDRs are difficult. That's a given. But he's making it harder than it has to be. To me, it seems as if he's purposely sabotaging things. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. He'd have to be dumber than a rock not to realize that what he's doing is not conducive to the advancement of the relationship and just downright hurtful. Communication is all you have sometimes when there's distance between two people. If he's not willing to pull his weight, then he obviously can't handle the commitment. You both also live close in comparison to most of us on here. My only guess is that maybe he feels he doesn't need to chat all that often because you're able to see each other with relative frequency? (I'm in no way using that as an excuse, just offering suggestions. )
Author dapantsu Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Thank you soooo much for all the replies everyone! I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about problems with my LDR partner. My friends really don't care or know what they're talking about, and I don't want to turn my mom against my bf by talking to her. We are pretty close, yeah. I've had an LDR before this where I didn't even meet the guy for 3 years. Then after that we saw each other only once or twice a year, and there was an ocean between us. I thought going into this it would be really easy since we're driving distance apart (oh the luxury!) but this is his first LDR and he's not equipped to deal with it at all. He didn't really want to have an LDR, but was planning to come here for school which fell through. Really, in this relationship, in the beginning I pursued him which I kinda regret now because I think it made him feel like he's allowed to be lazy. I think we stay together because it's so great when we're together in person. Everything works out so well and we're really compatible. He's very picky and hasn't had many relationships before, and really hasn't had super serious ones. He says I'm the first person he's met in years that he feels compatible with, but that he doesn't connect with me online. He's even said before that he doesn't like visits, because he gets depressed leading up to them after them, and sometimes even during them. I'm a different person online to him. I feel like that's BS though, because on the rare occasion that we do talk on mic with cam we had vibrant connected conversations. As far as bringing this up with him, I think I will follow the advice here and do it in person. I have tried to talk to him about it online before and it really doesn't go well. He complains that he's already told me why he acts in XX way and gets mad, OR decides he wants to give up and break up, OR changes for awhile then just changes back.
folieadeux Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Thank you soooo much for all the replies everyone! I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about problems with my LDR partner. My friends really don't care or know what they're talking about, and I don't want to turn my mom against my bf by talking to her. We are pretty close, yeah. I've had an LDR before this where I didn't even meet the guy for 3 years. Then after that we saw each other only once or twice a year, and there was an ocean between us. I thought going into this it would be really easy since we're driving distance apart (oh the luxury!) but this is his first LDR and he's not equipped to deal with it at all. He didn't really want to have an LDR, but was planning to come here for school which fell through. Really, in this relationship, in the beginning I pursued him which I kinda regret now because I think it made him feel like he's allowed to be lazy. I think we stay together because it's so great when we're together in person. Everything works out so well and we're really compatible. He's very picky and hasn't had many relationships before, and really hasn't had super serious ones. He says I'm the first person he's met in years that he feels compatible with, but that he doesn't connect with me online. He's even said before that he doesn't like visits, because he gets depressed leading up to them after them, and sometimes even during them. I'm a different person online to him. I feel like that's BS though, because on the rare occasion that we do talk on mic with cam we had vibrant connected conversations. As far as bringing this up with him, I think I will follow the advice here and do it in person. I have tried to talk to him about it online before and it really doesn't go well. He complains that he's already told me why he acts in XX way and gets mad, OR decides he wants to give up and break up, OR changes for awhile then just changes back. I was patiently going along with this until the bit about him saying he doesn't like visits. The hell? I get that visits are hard at times but to outright say he doesn't like them is crazy. I wouldn't trade the time I get to spend with my SO for anything. The hurt is worth it because I know it's only temporary. Do you have any plans to end the distance soon? If not, it sounds like he's too immature to handle what it takes to make this work. You deserve someone who is going to be 100% committed to the same result as you. I sincerely hope he has better answers for you when you have your chat than what he's given you thus far.
lala82 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 LDRs are not easy. However, he is not making an effort to solve things between both of you. In my previous relationship my ex bf made a lot excuses to not connect online frequently. He says that he was busy, tired or that for him was very difficult to cope with the distance. He is in the Middle East and I am in South America. I was quite depressed because I did not not what to do to solve things between us. I told him a couple of times about this, but things did not change. We split up two months ago. To be honest, I feel better without him and I am not worry for someone, who is not ready to be in a LDR. Honestly, if you see that he is making excuses to connect online, see you in the cam or visit you. You should think carefully if it is worth for you to carry on with this relationship. A relationship is between two people. It is not fair, that only one person cares about the relationship.
Recommended Posts