Judge Mental Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I separated a few weeks ago from my wife after 30+ years married, we grew apart the last ten years and could not get on any more. What I'm puzzled about is how should I be feeling? I feel quite lonely living myself, but emotionally I'm kind on not feeling much at all except hoping to get all the legal details sorted out and get on with the rest of my life - I'm 53. Anyway I met a lady a couple of weeks ago and after a few texts and emails we agreed to meet up for a coffee next week to see how it goes. Anyway today I get a message saying she thinks it's too soon for me and she wants to put it off for a while, and I'm guessing this is not a test. So this is the bit that really puzzles me, what is it she is likely seeing in me emotionally that I can't see myself? Is there a common emotional ailment for people at this time? Any comment from anyone who understand where I'm at would be very much appreciated and thanks for reading.
willowthewisp Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I think she sees rebound. I have to say myself I would see the same, you and your wife of 30 years just split 3 weeks ago and a week later you are out dating? There are various thought son how long the grieving process takes, some shorter, some longer but rule of thumb minimum is one month for every year, that's 30 months, 3 years beofre you would be ready emotionally to date. Having said that, everyone is different and of course a lot depends on how your marriage split occured. For example, was this an amicable decision to divorce based on a long period of marriage counselling and trying to resolve things, or was this one persons decision to leave without discussion and shared grieving? Was any other person involved? All these factors and more make a huge difference to the emotional state of the person divorcing. It may not be that she sees anything emotional in you, but her head is telling her logically to be careful given she met you a week out of a 30 year marriage.
Author Judge Mental Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 No one else involved, and we tried counselling a few years ago, it acted as a sticking plaster for a while. We just argued about everything, it's actually quite a relief to be away from the strain, although we are having to hand things over to the lawyers as we can't agree on much in the separation, so still some stress there. I wasn't trying to leap into dating, it was just something that clicked and as we chatted we were surprised at the many things we had in common. It might be the rebound thing, but what exactly is that? some kind of emotional lurch towards something to hold onto? I'm not sure I feel that. Maybe this relative lack of emotion is actually a symptom? Never having dated for a long time, my feeling about meeting for a coffee was a fear that I would be very nervous and it may not go well because of that. Now I'm just rambling so I'll stop.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Judge Mental : I tend to agree with 100% of what forum member willowthewisp had to say to you, in regards to your current situation. I do thank you for posting this information, for if you didn't willowthewisp wouldn't have taught me the "one month for every year rule"! So in my case, it was 14 years of marriage, break that down a month for ever year, that's 14 month to regroup, 2.8 years since the divorce, that like 26-27 months, I'm ready! But getting back to topic, this new founded lady in your life is more than likely just "playing it safe"! More than likely she doesn't want to get involved in something that might start to snow ball into something! And the word "rebound" was used, this is true, people who get hooked up with people on the rebound, tend to have unsuccessful relationships. This new lady friend may eventually be doing you a favor, sparing you the emotion and physical woes of a failed relationship. I know at least with me, after my divorce, I wanted to jump back into the game, dates, dinners, movies, and maybe some leg! But just about everyone I approached within say a 10-12 months time period wouldn't really touch me. But odd thing is, that around the 2 year mark, after the divorce, things changed. After about going through 3-4 very nice, polite and professionally oriented ex-girlfriends, I'm currently with a person who I am starting to think may be the one! But that's a different topic area, for another part of these forums. Maybe try to gain some insight on your own questions here! Maybe investing in some good self help books about divorce may do you some good. Maybe seeking the services of a personal therapist, as to help you gain your insight. If your Religious, maybe seek out some help from your Minister, Pastor, Decon, Priest, or in my case Temple Master and see what they can do for you! Also keep posting here on L.S., here too is a wealth of information that can be had, by fine people sharing their stories, ideas, thoughts and ways with you! Keep us posted, and good luck!
shayan Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 you may have mourned the relationship while it was going on, and emotionally dettached yourself from it in the last 10 years and that is why you are feeling ok. And this whole rule of thumb thing, throw it out of the window it depends on you, and everyone is unique.
Author Judge Mental Posted November 4, 2010 Author Posted November 4, 2010 That makes a bit more sense to me and seems to match how I feel (and have felt). It's maybe not 100%, but certainly a substantial way to explaining things. Thanks for that insight.
lee777 Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Hey Judge ... I think she's right. If you've been separated a few weeks, it's probably way too early to move into another relationship. I'd probably email her this response: "After thinking about your message, I think you're right. It's simply way too early. Hey, but it was nice meeting you. Have a great life."
iheartboobs Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 you may have mourned the relationship while it was going on, and emotionally dettached yourself from it in the last 10 years and that is why you are feeling ok. And this whole rule of thumb thing, throw it out of the window it depends on you, and everyone is unique. I gotta agree with this. Everyone is different and you've had 10 years to get over your relationship... you probably are ready to move on. On the other hand, you've only actually been out of the relationship 3 weeks so jumping into another this soon is disrespectful to the ex and in bad taste. The new woman knows this and also knows that how you treat your ex is probably a good indication of how you'll treat her... so try to treat the ex with kindness and respect, okay? How about you talk to this other woman, tell her how you feel, and maybe suggest that the two of you just be friends for a while until everything settles down? It's the right thing to do and if a serious relationship with this new woman is meant to happen, it'll happen. Also, big fan of the name, Judge Mental.
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