northern_sky Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I'm falling apart in slo mo. Last night I saw this. Then this morning I stupidly started this. I don't feel crushed, but foggy. While there was a lot of positive feedback in the thread, I predictably zeroed in on the negative ones. So, yeah, it was overall a bad idea. I'm not sure what I was thinking. I guess I fooled myself into believing some sort of objective "truth" would set me free. Instead I'm lying here in a fetal position on my day off, only stirring to refresh my thread or post a comment. Dust your shoulders off and get up, girl, right? I have no energy. This has been the case more and more. I almost feel ill. Any small exertion seems like an insurmountable task. I don't even have an appetite. This morning after the thread got really going I canceled my date with J. Then I quickly retracted that cancellation. He didn't seem to care. He laughed in his response about my flip flopping, and he apparently still wants to see me on Thursday: "Okay, super -- Thursday it is. I'll give you a call when I'm out of work." The truth is I probably should have stuck with my original cancellation. I am so low that I can't even fathom how miserable I'll be as company come Thursday. If he were less attractive I wouldn't care, but he's so attractive, and I look like death warmed over. I also give off a cold, insecure aura. My physical and inner self couldn't be more perfectly aligned if I were plucked out of hundreds of actresses to play myself in a movie. I honestly have no clue why he finds me attractive. Also I no longer look youthful, despite being only 27, and he's brimming with youth (even though we're only a few months apart in age). I feel like a zombie trying to date the living. I guess I'm trying to poke fun at my pain with the silly analogies, but the truth is I lost whatever spirit was once inside. I can understand now why he didn't want a serious relationship with me. And my physical attributes only serve as a cruel mockery of my depression. My naturally gaunt bone structure, my blank eyes, my vampirish skin. These features are genetic, yet they make it that much harder for people to look past my personality defects. Customers at work are always asking me, "are you OK?" I never got it, since I felt perfectly fine. And I now realize it's because I look physically ill. My weight is healthy, and if I gained any more my body would go to crap. So I'm stuck here with a nice body and a sickly face. I have no desire to see him anymore. I know the whole date I'll just be feeling self conscious about how I look and how depressing I am to be around. Yet I can't cancel again, especially because he had to rearrange his Thurs night and cancel plans with other people to see me. That would just be wrong. I'm dreading the getting ready ritual, applying makeup and trying to strike the delicate balance between deceptive and honest. I wish I could break all the mirrors in my house and forget my face. It's funny to remember now, but my ex and best friend once said to me the thing he loves most about me is how full of life I am. He told me that I'm really alive, and I experience the world so vividly. He also told me that he loved me for my sweetness, my warmth, my innocence and tenderness. None of this comes through to others, and probably ever will again. Especially since I seem to be aging rapidly. Now I'm even starting to lose sight of that inner glow myself. The signs of other people's youth and happiness constantly buzz in my periphery. Laughter on the street outside has an eerie muted sound like in a horror movie. I feel like my life never really got started and it's already over. I can't even enjoy what's left of my twenties, because I look practically middle aged. I don't have anything to look forward to, but a continual dwindling with time. Being on LS isn't helping me. Sure, the majority of posters are altruistic and give great advice, but there are too many sadistic snipers. For somebody like me, who only hears the negative, this is a really bad place. As my friend Spookie put, and I hope she doesn't mind my quoting her, LS often feels like a trap, to lure people in and crush their self esteem. I accept full responsibility for participating so heavily on here and offering myself up for dissection, but that doesn't make it any healthier. I don't know what the future holds for me. I think I'd rather not.
GorillaTheater Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I'm sorry that you're in a bad place, and wish I could help. Personally, I think you're smart and pretty and have alot to offer. I hope things get better soon.
In The Green Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 You need to read Women Who Run with the Wolves. You need to apologize to yourself and start loving yourself again. No wonder you feel like you've lost your spirit - she's in hiding. And how can you blame her? When you've allowed the world to tell you who are you and then abuse her for being who she is? Time to nurture and strengthen yourself from the inside out. That is how it works, not the other way around. In time she'll trust you again and you'll begin to feel whole once more. Please make it a priority to heal and love yourself. Only you can do it.
tman666 Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 It sounds like you're at your wit's end. From what you've posted, it sounds like you've had everything yanked out from under you and you're struggling to recover from the tailspin. In addition to the initial trauma, it seems like any coping skills you normally would be able to use to right yourself have been dulled by whatever other depression or other psychological problems you're suffering from. Is there nothing you can do to distract yourself from the pain? Any hobbies? Going to the gym or for a run? Go for a hike/bike ride? Going to the movies? You've got to give yourself a break from this, otherwise it will just fester and get worse. You've got to give yourself time to recover by forcing yourself to do something that takes your full attention away from how you're feeling right now. You don't have a sickly face. You don't look vampiric. You don't look gaunt. You DO look sad. You DO look like you're in pain. It's good to recognize the negative influences and try to minimize them. LS can be, and usually is, an extremely negative place. It sucks that some people feel the need to make snide little comments on an internet forum, but such is the way of teh internetz. It's good to know when to log off and force yourself to not look at it. Obviously, things like checking your ex's messages, facebook, and other media that shows his current activities and conversations is a horrible thing to do to yourself, especially where you're at right now. You need to have the self control to stay away from that kind of stuff. If you give yourself time to heal and don't voluntarily pour salt in the wounds, this too shall pass.
ScreamingTrees Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 (edited) Didn't even realize you were Shadow.. You didn't seem particularly troubled when I used to read your posts.. I actually posted a picture of myself not too long ago, and I think you said I looked pretty fugly with long-ish hair, but I'd look OK if I cut my hair.. I took your advice, and I'm surprisingly happier.. Thanks.. Sorry if this is long, but you're not alone. I was in a very dark place for several years not too long ago, I've only crawled out of that deep mental trench in the last two years or so.. I was mentally abused early in my childhood, having bottles and stuff thrown at me frequently or almost getting run over while I walked around my neighborhood for no reason, which literally warped my perception of myself and the outside world in a very self destructive way.. I'm just getting out of high school now, and I'm in a MUCH better place with a completely positive outlook and no resentment, but my childhood WAS full of negativity and pain. I thought that everyone hated me, I frequently thought that simply because a group of kids were laughing around me that it was at my expense, and when I looked in the mirror, I saw a gremlin. I never wore my glasses because I thought they'd make me look worse, and as a result I was always walking around with a comatose look on my face, having to squint to see two feet in front of me.. You can imagine how that made everything worse. My eyes and my mind were deceiving me.. I literally hated myself. I instinctively thought and spoke in a negative manner, and walked around with a very self-defeating attitude. The few times that I WOULD go outside for whatever reason, I'd make no eye contact with anyone and even talking to someone over a counter would be an awkward, straining activity for me. I've also recently gone through a bit of an existantial crisis which came to an end after the closest friend of my life passed away this year due to cystic fibrosis, leaving me emotionally numb. Oddly enough, I'd been struggling internally long before my friend's passing, and at that point I felt nothing, and I still feel vacant. I just.. I got to the point where I was basically overloaded with pain, and I guess it blew my nerves or something. Once you hit rock-bottom, there's only up. And it's ironic, the kid helped shape me in a very positive way, only to pass away before he could actually see what I'd become. I seriously hope you just relax and take these problems day by day. Don't overanalyze, it's only going to be harmful because you're not seeing yourself as others do. My parents used to comment that I looked sickly because I was very pale, but who really cares? I was and still am at the ideal weight for my height with an athletic build, even if I looked sickly at one point. And with time we'll both look younger than we really are. Even if you don't believe me, I find most people to be attractive, although no one is universally attractive.. There's NO need to change yourself, you don't look dead, you're exaggerating and making your situation worse than it needs to be. TRY to pick up on positive vibes around you.. You need to change your mindset in a positive way, or else you're going to be writing a self fulfilling prophecy. I think that if there's even an ounce of hope for you to somehow pull yourself together mentally and TRY to be positive for a single night to see how it goes, you might see that this guy really DOES see what you think is totally hidden.. why else would he be setting up a date with you over the phone? He's obviously into you, and unless you start to warm up to the idea that you're attractive and he's interested, he's gonna slip through your fingers and it just doesn't have to be that way.. I'm not sure if my previous posts have helped you, but I'm gonna just assume that my posts were just a little too similar to the other posts, and you didn't feel the need to respond for whatever reason.. I've actually been very sleep-deprived lately, so I might not have made my points as clearly as I'd have liked.. I tried! lol Edited November 2, 2010 by ScreamingTrees
Author northern_sky Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 Didn't even realize you were Shadow.. You didn't seem particularly troubled when I used to read your posts.. I actually posted a picture of myself not too long ago, and I think you said I looked pretty fugly with long-ish hair, but I'd look OK if I cut my hair.. I took your advice, and I'm surprisingly happier.. Thanks.. Sorry if this is long, but you're not alone. I was in a very dark place for several years not too long ago, I've only crawled out of that deep mental trench in the last two years or so.. I was mentally abused early in my childhood, having bottles and stuff thrown at me frequently or almost getting run over while I walked around my neighborhood for no reason, which literally warped my perception of myself and the outside world in a very self destructive way.. I'm just getting out of high school now, and I'm in a MUCH better place with a completely positive outlook and no resentment, but my childhood WAS full of negativity and pain. I thought that everyone hated me, I frequently thought that simply because a group of kids were laughing around me that it was at my expense, and when I looked in the mirror, I saw a gremlin. I never wore my glasses because I thought they'd make me look worse, and as a result I was always walking around with a comatose look on my face, having to squint to see two feet in front of me.. You can imagine how that made everything worse. My eyes and my mind were deceiving me.. I literally hated myself. I instinctively thought and spoke in a negative manner, and walked around with a very self-defeating attitude. The few times that I WOULD go outside for whatever reason, I'd make no eye contact with anyone and even talking to someone over a counter would be an awkward, straining activity for me. I've also recently gone through a bit of an existantial crisis which came to an end after the closest friend of my life passed away this year due to cystic fibrosis, leaving me emotionally numb. Oddly enough, I'd been struggling internally long before my friend's passing, and at that point I felt nothing, and I still feel vacant. I just.. I got to the point where I was basically overloaded with pain, and I guess it blew my nerves or something. Once you hit rock-bottom, there's only up. And it's ironic, the kid helped shape me in a very positive way, only to pass away before he could actually see what I'd become. I seriously hope you just relax and take these problems day by day. Don't overanalyze, it's only going to be harmful because you're not seeing yourself as others do. My parents used to comment that I looked sickly because I was very pale, but who really cares? I was and still am at the ideal weight for my height with an athletic build, even if I looked sickly at one point. And with time we'll both look younger than we really are. Even if you don't believe me, I find most people to be attractive, although no one is universally attractive.. There's NO need to change yourself, you don't look dead, you're exaggerating and making your situation worse than it needs to be. TRY to pick up on positive vibes around you.. You need to change your mindset in a positive way, or else you're going to be writing a self fulfilling prophecy. I think that if there's even an ounce of hope for you to somehow pull yourself together mentally and TRY to be positive for a single night to see how it goes, you might see that this guy really DOES see what you think is totally hidden.. why else would he be setting up a date with you over the phone? He's obviously into you, and unless you start to warm up to the idea that you're attractive and he's interested, he's gonna slip through your fingers and it just doesn't have to be that way.. I'm not sure if my previous posts have helped you, but I'm gonna just assume that my posts were just a little too similar to the other posts, and you didn't feel the need to respond for whatever reason.. I've actually been very sleep-deprived lately, so I might not have made my points as clearly as I'd have liked.. I tried! lol Hey, I'm really sorry if I made you feel bad. I now realize how vulnerable it feels to post your pics for public dissection. I think you're actually quite cute based on your avvie. The haircut made a huge difference; I'm glad you followed my advice and it's made you happier. I could relate to a lot of what you wrote, especially the thing about your friend's passing. Obviously it's not nearly on the same level, but when my ex dumped me out of the blue six months ago I had the same sort of existential crisis. I also feel like I blew out all my nerves. I just hope I can dig myself out of this hole and rebuild.
ScreamingTrees Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Huh, well, I actually didn't know how you were gonna respond to that great wall of text.. Heh, I was actually a bit apprehensive about that.. Oh, and thanks for the compliment! I still have some insecurities deep down, but I don't let it surface. Right back at you, regardless! Trust me, you didn't bother me, looking back, it really wasn't for me.. I was more mad at one of the posters for making a hateful joke for no reason. I know it's easier said than done, but I truly feel like you should try your best to cheer up for this date if you're still having it.. You should be excited! Seriously, try to focus on the positives of having a date with a really attractive guy! Go do something enjoyable to get your mind off of things, maybe that's what you need to relax yourself and clear your thoughts?
Sabali Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I just hope I can dig myself out of this hole and rebuild. Girlfriend, you need to take a whole bottle of chill pills. Just OD on the chill pills. You know what you need? A giant dose of vitamin Saba too and you would feel much better. I saw your pics and I would totally hit that. I would even call you after I hit it. Your facial features has a good deal of sex appeal. That counts more in my book.
Star Gazer Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Shadow, I'm not a psych, obviously... But what you describe sounds like straight up depression to me. It's like you're living in a world of grey tones rather than color. I recall you saying you take meds for that. Did you by any chance discontinue using them?
Sabali Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Shadow, I'm not a psych, obviously... But what you describe sounds like straight up depression to me. It's like you're living in a world of grey tones rather than color. I recall you saying you take meds for that. Did you by any chance discontinue using them? Oooooh, nooooo...and I just told her to OD on chill pills. My bad!
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