Update

[Star_Bright]

Hi forum, I just wanted to give a brief update for those of you who remember me. (*Waves*)

 

My health insurance at my new job finally kicked in yesterday, and I had my very first counseling session today. It was only the intake session but I cried *a lot* while talking about MM. I guess I still have a long way to go!

 

MM and I have been pretty much NC with some LC when he breaks NC to inform me that he still hasn't gone back home and he still wants to be with me. WTF. I just tell him I'm working on myself and getting healthy and happy. Honestly I wish I were further ahead than I am, I feel stuck in the past. But hopefully counseling will help.

 

When the counselor was asking me about how much/often I drink, I realized I've become quite the alkie! It's not as bad as when I was with MM but I still drink waaay too much. So we set a goal for me to not drink at home, only when I'm out/ with friends. She was also surprised that my whole family lives far away and asked if I'm okay with being out here instead of with them. I told her I miss them and wish I lived closer but I need to make a living and can only do that here at this time. We also talked about how I don't feel I'm in the right profession and wish I could do something different and how my personal values don't really jive with what I do for a living. So. A lot to think about already.

 

She seems to be a good counselor so far. She said this has been a crisis, but out of crisis comes opportunity, because everything gets stripped away. That made me feel hopeful.

 

So I just wanted to check in and say hi and thank the forum again for all your sound wisdom and advice. I hope I will continue to make progress and have more good news to share. And now I'm off to check on how some of the rest of you have been doing!

[Owl]

Just a thought...but given that you're not happy that you live so far away from your family, you're not happy with your current career, and you're not happy with MM pushing his contact with you...

 

...why not talk with your family and seriously consider making a major life change?

 

See if you can go back to them for a short time, while you work on establishing a new career in the area they live in? And "forget" to mention the move to MM...

 

If you're not happy with your life...make real, hardcore changes.

[Star_Bright]

Just a thought...but given that you're not happy that you live so far away from your family, you're not happy with your current career, and you're not happy with MM pushing his contact with you...

 

...why not talk with your family and seriously consider making a major life change?

 

See if you can go back to them for a short time, while you work on establishing a new career in the area they live in? And "forget" to mention the move to MM...

 

If you're not happy with your life...make real, hardcore changes.

 

I've thought about this a lot but I decided to stay here for awhile at least. The main reason is because, even though I miss my family, I hate the area where they live! It's a small town near the East Coast and living anywhere close to a bigger city is super expensive. I live in the Southwest and I love how convenient everything is, how I live in a relatively large city without breaking the bank, how my house is less than 10 minutes from downtown where I work and there's rarely traffic, how I can own a house with a yard for my dogs, etc. Not to mention I love the weather, the mountains and and skiing! While I could live without these last three things, there's really nothing comparable when it comes to quality of living out there. I wish they would all move my way! And my sister/BFF has talked about moving out here, so I always hope...

 

On the other hand, there aren't many good jobs out here where I live if I decide to get out of the law. It's a nice place to practice law and have a good quality of life, but most other jobs pay squat compared to in other states. So I guess if I decide to change careers, I won't have the same benefits of living out here as I do now.

 

I also came back here because I own a house here, have pets here that would be hard to move across country and find a place for all of us, and no one in my family is willing to take them in. I've established a career here and even though I think of changing careers, to actually do so seems to require such a huge leap! I went to school out here and have worked at good firms here so all of my professional contacts and opportunities are here; I'm not even licensed to practice in another state. Not to mention that most of my friends are here. So it would be a huge life change that I'm not sure I'm ready for. I have, however, thought a lot about giving it all up and entering a writing program, which is what I always wanted to do anyway.

 

I'm still considering the possibilities and hopefully counseling will help me determine what I really want to do with my life! Thanks for the suggestions, Owl, because when I read your words on the screen, I think, you know what, that's what I'd really like to do, at least eventually. But for right now, I'm trying to find happiness within me. I don't think it necessarily depends on where I live or what job I have. I would like to just be happy with myself and with my life as it is now, in general, if that makes any sense?

[Star_Bright]

Isn't it funny how quickly drinking can get out of hand and we don't even realize it? I think it is because we often think of alcohol as any other drink... why it tastes so good let's go ahead and have another! The fact that we get inebriated and can temporary "numb" our pain is an added bonus.

 

Coming from a family who loves alcohol (my mother owns a bar, and both her and my brother are deep into the bar scene) I'm surprised I have such an aversion to it. My distaste has served me well.

 

Good luck, Star Bright!! You sound very well.

 

Hi LisaLee!

 

Yeah I was thinking in the back of my head that I should cut back on my drinking, but it wasn't until I sat there and spelled out the quantities to the counselor that I realized what a big problem it's become. I've gained weight, which is normal for me when I'm unhappy, but I think a lot of it has been from unnecessary alcohol calories! So many social and professional events seem to revolve around alcohol, and then it becomes so common I just go home and have another drink to "wind down" in the bathtub or while watching a football game or whatever. They all really add up and now I'm like WTF was I thinking?! I have really got to make an effort to stop this.

 

If my family owned a bar I'd be in deep doo doo! Ha ha

[jthorne]

I guess I'm confused at what your perception of NC is. Does it mean you don't contact him, but you accept his contact? Because that's not my perception of NC, which is you don't contact him, and knowing you can't control his actions, you control yours by not accepting his contact.

 

I'm just confused about that, because in reading your post, it sounds like accepting his contact puts you backwards in your healing. If you don't want to block him, change your number, I get that. But I urge you to not answer his call next time and see how you feel afterwards.

 

Some find it empowering.

[Star_Bright]

I guess I'm confused at what your perception of NC is. Does it mean you don't contact him, but you accept his contact? Because that's not my perception of NC, which is you don't contact him, and knowing you can't control his actions, you control yours by not accepting his contact.

 

I'm just confused about that, because in reading your post, it sounds like accepting his contact puts you backwards in your healing. If you don't want to block him, change your number, I get that. But I urge you to not answer his call next time and see how you feel afterwards.

 

Some find it empowering.

 

My perception of NC is that we have absolutely no contact at all. So that's why I said we've been in LC. Very limited, but, not no contact. It's not ideal and yes it probably does set me back. He knows my work number and sometimes we have to have professional contact, so, complete NC is probably impossible at this point. And I guess something keeps me tied to him. I do ignore him after his initial contact, and it does feel empowering, but I guess there's something in me that just answers him at first, I don't know why. I guess to see whether he is still married. Of course he's always still married, yet always says he's still separated. I know what you're saying and I wish I could report that I never ever talk to him and have absolutely no interest in him anymore. That's where I'd like to arrive, but, I'm not there yet.

[fooled once]

Hi forum, I just wanted to give a brief update for those of you who remember me. (*Waves*)

 

My health insurance at my new job finally kicked in yesterday, and I had my very first counseling session today. It was only the intake session but I cried *a lot* while talking about MM. I guess I still have a long way to go!

 

MM and I have been pretty much NC with some LC when he breaks NC to inform me that he still hasn't gone back home and he still wants to be with me. WTF. I just tell him I'm working on myself and getting healthy and happy. Honestly I wish I were further ahead than I am, I feel stuck in the past. But hopefully counseling will help.

 

When the counselor was asking me about how much/often I drink, I realized I've become quite the alkie! It's not as bad as when I was with MM but I still drink waaay too much. So we set a goal for me to not drink at home, only when I'm out/ with friends. She was also surprised that my whole family lives far away and asked if I'm okay with being out here instead of with them. I told her I miss them and wish I lived closer but I need to make a living and can only do that here at this time. We also talked about how I don't feel I'm in the right profession and wish I could do something different and how my personal values don't really jive with what I do for a living. So. A lot to think about already.

 

She seems to be a good counselor so far. She said this has been a crisis, but out of crisis comes opportunity, because everything gets stripped away. That made me feel hopeful.

 

So I just wanted to check in and say hi and thank the forum again for all your sound wisdom and advice. I hope I will continue to make progress and have more good news to share. And now I'm off to check on how some of the rest of you have been doing!

 

Hi hon.

 

I have wondered how you have been doing and hoped and prayed you weren't going to post that you went back to the MM. SO glad you are sticking to your resolve about being away from him.

 

I have noticed a trend with many OW on here who leave the affair yet turn to alcohol. I am glad the counselor helped you see that this is not the right path for you!

 

Job.... why can't you do your job closer to where your family is? Is it specialized (and I am not wanting you to disclose too much info here). And if this isn't the career path you want, what is it you want to do? Can you do it? What I mean is, I would love to be a nurse, but I can't because there is no way I would go through all that schooling LOL

 

You are doing GREAT! Do not beat yourself up and think you should be further along. The GOOD news is you aren't back in contact with him nor are you using "I love him" as an excuse to be in contact with him or say you don't have self control.

 

ONE day at a time. Keep going forward. It is better than going back ward I am very proud of you!!! Also find some healthy things to be doing in your down time - maybe the gym or going running or taking long walks. Things to occupy your mind!

 

Hang in there!! Keep strong!!!

[fooled once]

Just finished the whole thread and I have to say, sweetie, it sounds like excuses below ... to keep in contact. Why do you have to be in contact with him professionally? Can't he find another lawyer? Can't someone else in your firm take over his account?

 

And as hard as it is, you do need to avoid his calls - ALL of them. I think you are enjoying hearing that he misses you and still wants you. But that isn't HEALTHY FOR YOU. Sure, it is an ego boost and a thrill, but it is keeping YOU cemented in HIM. He sure as hell isn't worried about YOU because if he was, he would NOT contact you until AFTER he is divorced. He can easily leave you a message saying "Hey SB, I just wanted to let you know I have finalized my divorce and if you aren't seeing anyone, would like to take you out for COFFEE (not drinks) to see if we can build a healthy relationship" ... NOT pick back up where you left off as you as the mistress.

 

And that call, if it ever comes, should not be for a while...after he is divorced and on his own and emotionally divorced his wife.

 

 

My perception of NC is that we have absolutely no contact at all. So that's why I said we've been in LC. Very limited, but, not no contact. It's not ideal and yes it probably does set me back. He knows my work number and sometimes we have to have professional contact, so, complete NC is probably impossible at this point. And I guess something keeps me tied to him. I do ignore him after his initial contact, and it does feel empowering, but I guess there's something in me that just answers him at first, I don't know why. I guess to see whether he is still married. Of course he's always still married, yet always says he's still separated. I know what you're saying and I wish I could report that I never ever talk to him and have absolutely no interest in him anymore. That's where I'd like to arrive, but, I'm not there yet.[/QUOTE]

 

You won't get there yet until you stop answering his calls

[Silly_Girl]

I think THIS is where NC is so important. 'Cemented in the A'. You're either in it, or you're not. And if you don't want to be in it, DON'T be in it. Likewise, if you want to be in it, do that instead.

 

If you don't want to be in it, end it. Let your mind know it's finished. Yesterday was the last day. Kind of like giving up smoking, the day you have your last one, you become a non-smoker and that's the only way, in my view.

 

You could speak to him for half an hour a month for the next 6 months and get naff all from it, but in your head, and in your heart, that's another 6 whole months you were 'in an affair', rather than 'out of an affair'. I think the difference between those two is important for the healing and growing aspect post-relationship.

 

SB, I think the counselling will help you a lot, and I think, if you tread carefully, your head will catch up with your heart, and this sometimes-flimsy LC will become NC - at YOUR volition. You're not ready yet, it seems. But what I hope is that you don't do anything daft so that instead of creeping forward, you fall backwards. Wishing you lots of luck!

[jthorne]

Ok, well, here's my view, and you can take it or leave it. You're hanging onto hope, and it is what it is.

 

It's more than the old "if he cheats on her, he'll cheat on you." If he treats his wife with disrespect, what makes you (general you) think he will treat you any differently in the long run?

Most of the people that cheat don't deal with their issues, so they simply carry them over to the next relationship. So I would suggest that instead of hoping that he will separate and divorce, you might do better to hope that he works on his internal issues.

 

And you live your life to the fullest.

[Star_Bright]

Hi hon.

 

I have wondered how you have been doing and hoped and prayed you weren't going to post that you went back to the MM. SO glad you are sticking to your resolve about being away from him.

 

I have noticed a trend with many OW on here who leave the affair yet turn to alcohol. I am glad the counselor helped you see that this is not the right path for you!

 

Job.... why can't you do your job closer to where your family is? Is it specialized (and I am not wanting you to disclose too much info here). And if this isn't the career path you want, what is it you want to do? Can you do it? What I mean is, I would love to be a nurse, but I can't because there is no way I would go through all that schooling LOL

 

You are doing GREAT! Do not beat yourself up and think you should be further along. The GOOD news is you aren't back in contact with him nor are you using "I love him" as an excuse to be in contact with him or say you don't have self control.

 

ONE day at a time. Keep going forward. It is better than going back ward I am very proud of you!!! Also find some healthy things to be doing in your down time - maybe the gym or going running or taking long walks. Things to occupy your mind!

 

Hang in there!! Keep strong!!!

 

Hi Fooled Once!

 

I'm a lawyer and I'm only licensed to practice in my state. I've been practicing here for five years so I have a lot of professional contacts and connections here and have built up a reputation for clients and colleagues to refer other clients to me, etc. I *could* study for and take the Bar in another state but it's hard to get jobs right now in this economy if no one knows who you are. So for my legal practice it's best to stay here, although I've been thinking of doing something completely different. If only I had no student loans or mortgage! Ha ha.

 

The career path I would like to follow is to write. Unfortunately that makes little to no money, so for now I'm trying to do it in my spare time. I'm in creative writing classes at night and belong to a really helpful local writing group. I've thought a lot about pursuing an MFA so that I can just concentrate on writing for a couple years and then teach writing. But it seems like a pipedream at the moment because of my living expenses and need to be a responsible member of society. Other careers I would consider are teaching or working for a non-profit or doing something with legal writing, maybe contract work or writing for legal or political publications, etc.

 

When I was visiting my family I looked for jobs out there and all the ones I think I would like barely paid squat. So it's a hard decision but I'm going to keep my options open while continuing to work at my new firm, which I do like as far as law jobs go!

[Star_Bright]

He can easily leave you a message saying "Hey SB, I just wanted to let you know I have finalized my divorce and if you aren't seeing anyone, would like to take you out for COFFEE (not drinks) to see if we can build a healthy relationship" ... NOT pick back up where you left off as you as the mistress.

 

And that call, if it ever comes, should not be for a while...after he is divorced and on his own and emotionally divorced his wife.

 

 

That call would be ideal, but I highly doubt it will ever come. You're right that there's no sense in talking to him at all while he's still married. I kick myself whenever I do (which isn't often) and I feel like I'm taking my own sweet time getting to the point where I just never ever want to hear from him and can resist his contact. At this point, I'm just proud of myself for not falling back into the affair and I am very positive I won't! I don't want to be the mistress ever again, that's for sure.

[Star_Bright]

I think THIS is where NC is so important. 'Cemented in the A'. You're either in it, or you're not. And if you don't want to be in it, DON'T be in it. Likewise, if you want to be in it, do that instead.

 

If you don't want to be in it, end it. Let your mind know it's finished. Yesterday was the last day. Kind of like giving up smoking, the day you have your last one, you become a non-smoker and that's the only way, in my view.

 

You could speak to him for half an hour a month for the next 6 months and get naff all from it, but in your head, and in your heart, that's another 6 whole months you were 'in an affair', rather than 'out of an affair'. I think the difference between those two is important for the healing and growing aspect post-relationship.

 

SB, I think the counselling will help you a lot, and I think, if you tread carefully, your head will catch up with your heart, and this sometimes-flimsy LC will become NC - at YOUR volition. You're not ready yet, it seems. But what I hope is that you don't do anything daft so that instead of creeping forward, you fall backwards. Wishing you lots of luck!

 

I don't feel like I'm in the affair at all anymore, but, I can see how you disagree. I do feel that counseling will help me get to the point where I can totally forget about him. I just wanted to give an honest update with where I'm at. I do appreciate the advice but I'm just trying to say that I haven't been at the point where I can completely ignore him *yet*. Like you I do think I'll get there!!! And I'm really not worried about falling backwards, which is big progress for me. At one point I thought I could never get out of the affair and now I'm sure I won't ever get back in it.

[Star_Bright]

Ok, well, here's my view, and you can take it or leave it. You're hanging onto hope, and it is what it is.

 

It's more than the old "if he cheats on her, he'll cheat on you." If he treats his wife with disrespect, what makes you (general you) think he will treat you any differently in the long run?

Most of the people that cheat don't deal with their issues, so they simply carry them over to the next relationship. So I would suggest that instead of hoping that he will separate and divorce, you might do better to hope that he works on his internal issues.

 

And you live your life to the fullest.

 

You're right.

 

I do have hope, but then those thoughts would always bug me. I would need to see a major life change in him and I just haven't seen it. Yes I hope that he could change and be the kid of man I need. But, he clearly hasn't, so I'm just being alone and thinking that eventually I will find that guy. It's not that I'm settling for less anymore, it's just that I remember what it felt like to be with him and for some reason I'm not ready to put the nail in the coffin. It's like I half-buried him and am hoping he'll be reborn as a different guy, who I can still have those feelings for, or something F-ed up like that!

 

I do know that you're right and that one day I'll get there.

[fooled once]

Hi Fooled Once!

 

I'm a lawyer and I'm only licensed to practice in my state. I've been practicing here for five years so I have a lot of professional contacts and connections here and have built up a reputation for clients and colleagues to refer other clients to me, etc. I *could* study for and take the Bar in another state but it's hard to get jobs right now in this economy if no one knows who you are. So for my legal practice it's best to stay here, although I've been thinking of doing something completely different. If only I had no student loans or mortgage! Ha ha.

 

The career path I would like to follow is to write. Unfortunately that makes little to no money, so for now I'm trying to do it in my spare time. I'm in creative writing classes at night and belong to a really helpful local writing group. I've thought a lot about pursuing an MFA so that I can just concentrate on writing for a couple years and then teach writing. But it seems like a pipedream at the moment because of my living expenses and need to be a responsible member of society. Other careers I would consider are teaching or working for a non-profit or doing something with legal writing, maybe contract work or writing for legal or political publications, etc.

 

When I was visiting my family I looked for jobs out there and all the ones I think I would like barely paid squat. So it's a hard decision but I'm going to keep my options open while continuing to work at my new firm, which I do like as far as law jobs go!

 

You can also pursue pro bono work to those in need ... and maybe somehow incorporate your writing into that? I think you are a smart young lady and I have no doubt you will get through this.

 

Like jthorne said, I do see that you have "hope" that he will be who you need him to be; but while I think we as people can change, that is a LOT of changing he would need to do when there IS someone out there who is just waiting to meet you and HE can provide you with what you need right now.

 

You just have to let yourself be there and be ready to meet him I met my man just a couple months after ending a 2 year A ~ we met in August and married in April and have been married for 12+ years now I never would have guessed it would happen because of how hurt and how heart broken I was.

 

Live for YOU Star, not for anyone else.

 

((hugs))

[Star_Bright]

You can also pursue pro bono work to those in need ... and maybe somehow incorporate your writing into that? I think you are a smart young lady and I have no doubt you will get through this.

 

Like jthorne said, I do see that you have "hope" that he will be who you need him to be; but while I think we as people can change, that is a LOT of changing he would need to do when there IS someone out there who is just waiting to meet you and HE can provide you with what you need right now.

 

You just have to let yourself be there and be ready to meet him I met my man just a couple months after ending a 2 year A ~ we met in August and married in April and have been married for 12+ years now I never would have guessed it would happen because of how hurt and how heart broken I was.

 

Live for YOU Star, not for anyone else.

 

((hugs))

 

I would love to do pro bono work but then I'd still have the same student loan/bills problem as if I was just writing. My plan had always been to save up a lot of money and retire young and then spend my time writing, and doing only the legal work I enjoy, which includes pro bono work for kids in the foster care system, and others. I've been doing well at saving money (except my new job doesn't pay nearly as much as my old job/MM's firm paid... oh well, the peace of mind is priceless ) but sometimes I start to think, I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and never realize my true dream.

 

But. To keep busy I've been focusing on writing in the evenings/ weekend and that makes me feel much better about my day job. Now that all my time isn't taken up by being worried about what MM's doing, I have more time than I've ever had to write. I'm in a writing class that meets twice a week. At first I enrolled because I was thinking of going into an MFA program and I would need professors' recommendations. But now I like that it inspires/motivates/forces me to write, and that I'm constantly around writing and other writers, when combined with the weekly writing group I've been attending for nearly three years now. I've also been taking on "writing challenges" with other members of my writing group, where we concentrate on certain individual, daily/weekly/monthly goals for writing and publishing. I would say that if there's one thing that makes me sure I'll never ever go back to MM (as long as he's an MM anyway), it's my writing, because I've realized I didn't put enough time or effort into it when I was with MM, and I couldn't truly be myself and dedicate myself to my own interests.

 

Let's see, what else. I'm listing all the positives here to keep myself on track. I went to dinner last night with one of my best friends who I hadn't seen in a long time because I was always with MM and she didn't know about him. In the meantime because I was pretty much ignoring her she made new friends and got caught up in her own interests that I don't share. So last night we were finally able to re-connect and it was really nice!

 

Oh, and dating. I'd decided I want to be alone for at least six months and kind of "date" myself. I still have that plan but I got a call from another attorney I'd hit it off well with at a young lawyer's event quite awhile ago. He'd seen the ad about my new job in the bar bulletin and wanted to congratulate me. Then he offered to take me to lunch on Monday so we can catch up. So... not exactly a date, but, we'll see where it goes if anywhere. This inspired me to send an email to another attorney I'd hit it off well with in the past... these are the only two attorneys I'd want to date in my city, ha ha ... and he wrote me back all nice and said we should go for coffee. So I've decided to just test the waters and see who's out there and what I want, but to not get into a serious relationship for at least awhile. It makes me feel rather excited to, as you say Fooled Once, know that there are good guys out there who are available to give me what I want. (What a concept, ha ha!)

 

So that's what I've been up to... also trying to focus on work and trying to lose some weight. Whenever I'm depressed/stressed I gain weight, and unfortunately I gained quite a bit in those final weeks with MM.

[Star_Bright]

Well I have a new project that is inspiring me. Some people in my writing group are doing National Novel Writing Month which is when you try to write an entire novel (50,000) in the month of November. I'm cheating a bit because mine is a series of linked personal essays/memoir shorts. I've also started on some of the essays and NaNoWriMo is supposed to be all new material. It's been something I've started and wanted to keep working on for awhile now. So I'm not doing NaNoWriMo per se but I'm writing along with the challenge with the other people in my group and making it my goal to write those 50,000 words this month so I have it all out there to work with and revise. Last night I wrote for three hours after work!, and I thought, wow, if I were still with MM I never would have the time to concentrate on this project that is really important to me! I feel like it's so much easier without MM when I have something like this I can throw myself into.

 

Tonight I'm having dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a long time at her house and we're watching a movie. Tomorrow night I'm going out with another friend. Next weekend I'm going to a ranch where my good friend keeps her horse and I'm going to write all day while she rides. Then I'm going on a week-long trip out of the country with my sister over Thanksgiving week. I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in ages and renewed my membership and ran and lifted weights. *And* I have another trial this afternoon! I've just been trying to fill my time with other things and people besides MM and it's really working. I'm finally at a point where I truly think, I don't need him. Starting counseling really helped too because I can just feel that my counselor is going to be able to help me.

 

I have that lunch "date" on Monday that makes me so nervous and I wish I could lose 10 pounds before I go but at least it's something else to keep me occupied. Still, I'm trying to focus on my own interests and fill up my time with stuff for me instead of focusing on any guy, whether it be MM or another guy. It does make me feel good that when I met this guy he seemed really nice, and single of course!, so who knows what may happen down the road. I'll keep everyone posted.

[BB07]

Star Bright.........I'm happy to hear of the steps that you are taking to claim a happy life and one without drama or hurt.

 

You are going to be fine.........

[Star_Bright]

Thanks BB!

[fooled once]

I would love to do pro bono work but then I'd still have the same student loan/bills problem as if I was just writing. My plan had always been to save up a lot of money and retire young and then spend my time writing, and doing only the legal work I enjoy, which includes pro bono work for kids in the foster care system, and others. I've been doing well at saving money (except my new job doesn't pay nearly as much as my old job/MM's firm paid... oh well, the peace of mind is priceless ) but sometimes I start to think, I could get run over by a bus tomorrow and never realize my true dream.

 

But. To keep busy I've been focusing on writing in the evenings/ weekend and that makes me feel much better about my day job. Now that all my time isn't taken up by being worried about what MM's doing, I have more time than I've ever had to write. I'm in a writing class that meets twice a week. At first I enrolled because I was thinking of going into an MFA program and I would need professors' recommendations. But now I like that it inspires/motivates/forces me to write, and that I'm constantly around writing and other writers, when combined with the weekly writing group I've been attending for nearly three years now. I've also been taking on "writing challenges" with other members of my writing group, where we concentrate on certain individual, daily/weekly/monthly goals for writing and publishing. I would say that if there's one thing that makes me sure I'll never ever go back to MM (as long as he's an MM anyway), it's my writing, because I've realized I didn't put enough time or effort into it when I was with MM, and I couldn't truly be myself and dedicate myself to my own interests.

 

Let's see, what else. I'm listing all the positives here to keep myself on track. I went to dinner last night with one of my best friends who I hadn't seen in a long time because I was always with MM and she didn't know about him. In the meantime because I was pretty much ignoring her she made new friends and got caught up in her own interests that I don't share. So last night we were finally able to re-connect and it was really nice!

 

Oh, and dating. I'd decided I want to be alone for at least six months and kind of "date" myself. I still have that plan but I got a call from another attorney I'd hit it off well with at a young lawyer's event quite awhile ago. He'd seen the ad about my new job in the bar bulletin and wanted to congratulate me. Then he offered to take me to lunch on Monday so we can catch up. So... not exactly a date, but, we'll see where it goes if anywhere. This inspired me to send an email to another attorney I'd hit it off well with in the past... these are the only two attorneys I'd want to date in my city, ha ha ... and he wrote me back all nice and said we should go for coffee. So I've decided to just test the waters and see who's out there and what I want, but to not get into a serious relationship for at least awhile. It makes me feel rather excited to, as you say Fooled Once, know that there are good guys out there who are available to give me what I want. (What a concept, ha ha!)

 

So that's what I've been up to... also trying to focus on work and trying to lose some weight. Whenever I'm depressed/stressed I gain weight, and unfortunately I gained quite a bit in those final weeks with MM.

 

Well I have a new project that is inspiring me. Some people in my writing group are doing National Novel Writing Month which is when you try to write an entire novel (50,000) in the month of November. I'm cheating a bit because mine is a series of linked personal essays/memoir shorts. I've also started on some of the essays and NaNoWriMo is supposed to be all new material. It's been something I've started and wanted to keep working on for awhile now. So I'm not doing NaNoWriMo per se but I'm writing along with the challenge with the other people in my group and making it my goal to write those 50,000 words this month so I have it all out there to work with and revise. Last night I wrote for three hours after work!, and I thought, wow, if I were still with MM I never would have the time to concentrate on this project that is really important to me! I feel like it's so much easier without MM when I have something like this I can throw myself into.

 

Tonight I'm having dinner with a friend I haven't seen in a long time at her house and we're watching a movie. Tomorrow night I'm going out with another friend. Next weekend I'm going to a ranch where my good friend keeps her horse and I'm going to write all day while she rides. Then I'm going on a week-long trip out of the country with my sister over Thanksgiving week. I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in ages and renewed my membership and ran and lifted weights. *And* I have another trial this afternoon! I've just been trying to fill my time with other things and people besides MM and it's really working. I'm finally at a point where I truly think, I don't need him. Starting counseling really helped too because I can just feel that my counselor is going to be able to help me.

 

I have that lunch "date" on Monday that makes me so nervous and I wish I could lose 10 pounds before I go but at least it's something else to keep me occupied. Still, I'm trying to focus on my own interests and fill up my time with stuff for me instead of focusing on any guy, whether it be MM or another guy. It does make me feel good that when I met this guy he seemed really nice, and single of course!, so who knows what may happen down the road. I'll keep everyone posted.

 

 

I am SOOOO happy that you are out and LIVING life! SOOO incredibly proud of you. I KNOW at times you are hurting, but instead of wallowing, you are filling your time! YEAH SB!!!!!

 

And don't put restrictions on yourself for dating...whether it be by only dating other lawyers or a time limit -- LIVE life! LIFE it full. Be wary but you are a SINGLE woman -- ENJOY the time and attention.... cause who knows? You may meet that guy that treats you like the princess you should be treated like ;)