How do I get out?

[Suerenity]

I've been married for 6yrs and with my H for about 10. When he met me, I was in a long distance relationship with a high school crush that had went in the military in the UK. I was deeply in love with this guy and H convinced me that I was being cheated on and neglected and deserved better. Over the course of a few months, I ended the relationship with first love and went in a heavy one with H. Right afterward, my Grandmother (with whom I'd lived with all my life) passed away and my family came and put me out of the house. H was the only person that I had and so we moved in together, had a son and got married. All was fine until later when we had to face the responsibilities of being adults on our own. With the decline in finances and freedom, he slowly started to become meaner and angrier with me leading to total verbal abuse, and sometimes close to physical. He has told me on many occasions that I was nothing more than a big burden on his shoulders and that I ruined his whole life. Many nights I cried and begged God to change him or get me out. I have scars still where I tried to cut my wrists because I couldn't stand it anymore. An opportunity for me to leave arose when my Dad visited us and saw where we were living at the time. He extended the offer for us to come live with them and work until we were back on our feet. I went and H was supposed to soon follow and he didn't. I was crushed when he told me that he was not coming because he didn't want to live in "my daddy's house". I took the chance and we separated because of it. For about a year I was gone. He begged and pleaded over the phone for us to come back and when I sent our son to visit, he threatened to keep him away from me. I was already in a relationship with someone else, who was also married. It didn't want it to work that way but he was a cheating bastard who kissed my younger sister. With that being said, I was so hurt that I ended up coming back because I didn't want to face the torture my parents would've inflicted for me being with a married man.

 

Needless to say our marriage has been worse since then. I have since had a daughter and throughout my pregnancy in 2008, I was called everything in the book other than a child of God. I have videos of me at 3a.m. with the baby on my shoulders crying my eyes out that god should take me because I didn't need to live anymore.

 

For the past now 9 mths, I've been seeing a wonderful guy that I met at work. He is the most amazing man and treats me with nothing but respect, courtesy, consideration. He makes me feel like a Queen. Sad thing is that now, I want to leave H but don't know how. Knowing the pot-headed/violent tempered nature he has, I know I can't just come out and confess without him either killing me or OM. I'm tired of all the lies and sneaking around but know that I have to ease my hand out of the lion's mouth so to speak. I have 2 young kids that I have to think about and know that I should've done that before seeing OM but too bad, that's life.

 

What should I do? Money is scarce so just packing up and leaving isn't so easy. Help??!!!

[Owl]

You've referred to various forms of abuse and a genuine fear for your life and for your son's if you confess.

 

Have you considered calling local women's shelters to see if you could go there for at least the first part of the seperation?

 

Or talked with your father about staying with him?

 

If you HONESTLY believe that your H is likely to become violent, then seperate FIRST. If there's no true basis for this, normally I recommend people be honest up front...but that doesn't apply in situations where you truly have grounds to fear violence.

 

Find a safe place to go...seperate...file for divorce and if needed get a restraining order to protect yourself.

 

And expect that the truth will come out eventually...so it's always better to have a plan on how that information will be given to your H rather than have it suddenly happen and no safety measures in place.

 

First and foremost is the safety of you and your son.

[Suerenity]

Thanks for your response Owl. I do fear for our safety. Last night he woke me up after 12a.m., after he'd been digging through my cell phone and purses in the closet. I had been texting my Mom yesterday and she is going through serious difficulties in her marriage at this point, which makes moving in with them even harder. All I heard was "So you and and your mommy start sharing cheating tips now?" In a very loud and aggressive tone. I was halfway asleep so I just rolled over and said "What???" He went on to say that he knows something is going on and he's gonna find out. This morning I got up and got ready for work and upon leaving, asked him if he had taken any money out of my bag. The reason I asked is because whenever I put a dollar down or even coins stashed in my underwear drawer or behind the mirror, etc, he takes it. Last week I had a large pack of assorted candies that I wanted to save for Halloween and he went in after I went to sleep and ate every last one of them. I'm not a mean person at all and would give my last to people, but the principle is that he has no right going in my bag for one, and two, taking any of my belongings without permission. So back to what I was saying, he went into TOTAL defense mode and started cursing and calling me the devil. I immediately charged out the door. I walked to the bus stop, changed my mind and realized that I need to tell him one more thing.. I went back and told him that I'd be leaving in one week's time. I told him that I'm tired of living like this and that I desperately want out. He followed me out to the roadway and asked me to be a woman and tell him honestly if I'm cheating or not. I told him yes. I said 'with any and everyone for that matter". He said "fine". The moment I reached to work he called with such a somber, toned down voice asking me to call his friend for him and that he didn't feel like going to work...Like none of that even happened!!! This is exactly what I can't stand. He takes nothing serious in life and has a Jekyll/Hype personality. I fly off the handle really bad because I have to act big and bad for him not to take full advantage of me, but inside I'm very soft hearted, but I always mean what I say.

 

I have to admit that since the terrible car accident we all were in last Oct., he's been acting a little better and staying home quite a lot but the damage has already been done and also, he still can't help but to be his normal, hypocritical, dishonest, dysfunctional, male chauvinistic, careless self. As a matter of fact, I don't know if it was the trauma of the accident that made him calm down a bit or the fact that a young 20 yr old girl called me on my job one week after I returned to work to tell me of the 3 YEAR affair that they had, since she was 17. I tried to forget that but couldn't. He later admitted to being like "a beast" and having sex with women all throughout our marriage. Now whenever I bring it up, he lies and says that he never said that and I can remember it so vividly. Do you think a wife being told those things will forget what her husband said?

 

So at this point, my marriage has malignant cancer and on borrowed time. I have lost all affection feel like he's just my brother or someone with whom I have no intimate feelings. This started way before OM by the way. Now, with him pretending that I never said I'm leaving, this will make it harder. Now when I do say that I was serious, he'll act surprised and throw a rage like it's the first time he's hearing it. I do believe that he has a slight mental problem also because people say and do hurtful things to him and give him bad attitudes (such as his family), he would say that he's going to leave them alone because they clearly have issues, but by the next day, he's back under their wings and having them do favors for him once again. Time and time again. The family members that I cut off after my grandma dies, remained cut off to this day, 7years ago. I don't know if it's other people who are the problem or if it's really just him being a hypocrite or plain old stupid. I can remember about 2yrs ago, when I was pregnant, I sold a piece of property that my parents purchased for me for about $10,000.00. Once I paid of the legal fees, I olnly had about 8,000.00 left. I had planned to start my own business and to buy a car. The way this man acted absolutely repulsed me. He always said things like "Anyway, let me shut my mouth, it ain't my money!" or "Boy when I get something of my own, F everyone who ever acted freaky with me!", which I knew was geared towards me because I was determined to do what I had planned to. I got my car with the very last of the money and even though he was acting so petty, most of the money was spent on us as a family. I used to take us out to dinner at fancy restaurants because he never took me and I wanted him to see the things that I like, if I can afford it, without belittling him or throwing anything in his face. He is very ungrateful and can't seem to really see when someone is trying to help him, expose him to bigger and better things or give him sound advice. Many times, I encouraged him to go back to school so that he can have a trade under his belt, or try to find a better job so that he can better provide for his family. He never took heed and ended getting fired after 9yrs for stealing on the job and being banned of the property. Now, he tells me that he wishes he had a more encouraging, and supportive wife. I'm in a state of disbelief. He smokes weed every night in our apt. and I say nothing. (Admitting that on a few occasions I participate, which I'm fighting to get control of and not do). I'm almost convinced that I will not be able to fully quit, once I'm with him because he will never quit. He has no intentions of doing so and I believe that it's not for everyone and is damaging his mind even more. He remembers nothing, is so untidy that my 7yr. old son can keep house better than him, has no motivation, lacks education and the desire to obtain one and the list goes on and on.

 

Sadly, the only shelter that we have for women here in The Bahamas, is a battered women's shelter that is small, un-kept and overcrowded. I guess I may have to beg a landlord/lady for leniency with the first deposit and explain my detrimental situation. I would like to move somewhere in the area where we live now because my son recently transferred to a very decent public school which he loves now and is like night and day from his old one. It definitely has to be in reaching distance to his school but far enough away from his father so we can have peace without being stalked or tormented. At least the police station is very close by. I will have to inform them that I am moving and that I want a restraining order. I will also do so at another station just in case he knows someone there or something. I have been there before about 2 weeks ago to report him because we were arguing and started to fight. Before I ended up killing him in front of the kids or being killed, I ran barefooted to the station.

 

My mom and sisters know the hell I face with this man and that I want to leave, for good this time. If it boils down to it, one of my sisters can live with me and find work to help with the rent. (They all live on another island). I know that my relationship with OM is wrong but I hope that one day I can make it right. I'm very shattered by H and want more than anything to move on with my life and find my own joy. I don't want a man to have to do it for me. I want to pursue my dreams once and for all and take care of me and my children.