halemeno Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I've been involved with a MM since April and have been torn up about it since the beginning. I never truly fell in love with him, but I was very lonely and having someone need/want me and having someone to talk to and spend time with (including the physical relationship) seemed to fill an emptiness in me -- just as I seemed to fill the part of him that desired excitement and companionship. He became dependent upon me quickly, with constant texts and visits to his house every other day. It riddled me with guilt, and I was clear with him from the beginning that I didn't want to do this, but I let him talk me into it anyway. Now I've found that I must have become dependent upon his attention at some point. He's stopped talking to me very much, with no explanation as to why. As much as I hate it, it's tearing me up and I've got a strong urge to cling and pursue him. I've been looking for the right time to end it and start NC, and it looks like this is it. However, I want so much to sit him down and talk about it, rather than let him treat it with such nonchalance. I feel like he's taken something from me by involving me in something that would hurt someone (though obviously I'm also to blame), and I don't think it's fair to just be thrown away after how much of my moral self I've sacrificed to be with him. Is this an unreasonable request/stupid idea? Should I just let the relationship fade away? I feel like I deserve an explanation so that I can move on. What should I do?
Owl Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Walk away. If he ended it without any warning...odds are high that he was caught, and he's fighting to save his marriage now. It's a common, common thing in this kind of situation. Your best bet is to accept that it's the end...and move on. It hurts...grieve...and let yourself heal.
Author halemeno Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 I think the walking away advice is probably completely correct, but he's told me that he hasn't been discovered, and insists that he's just been busy and depressed (he's in a new city and has no job or other friends). I think that's why we clung to each other so quickly -- we both needed a friend, and he wanted sex. I know that I need to end it, but I guess what I'm asking is how, and am I justified in wanting a sit-down discussion about it?
Owl Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Define "justified". Is it reasonable for you to want that discussion? Absolutely. Its always hard as heck to end a relationship. Is it reasonable for you to expect that discussion? Not so much. He doesn't have as much control over his life as a "single" guy does. If he is covering his tracks, he can't/won't actually sit down for something like this. He's going to have to "walk away" from you as well. I understand why you want it...but you may have to accept that you won't get it. Make sense?
jj33 Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 He's stopped talking to me very much, with no explanation as to why. As much as I hate it, it's tearing me up and I've got a strong urge to cling and pursue him. I've been looking for the right time to end it and start NC, and it looks like this is it. However, I want so much to sit him down and talk about it, rather than let him treat it with such nonchalance. I feel like he's taken something from me by involving me in something that would hurt someone (though obviously I'm also to blame), and I don't think it's fair to just be thrown away after how much of my moral self I've sacrificed to be with him. Is this an unreasonable request/stupid idea? Should I just let the relationship fade away? I feel like I deserve an explanation so that I can move on. What should I do? Married or single young or old being let down in love always hurts and I am sorry you are going through this. You dont need to tell him its over unless you feel the need to tell him hes been a clown and you deserved more consideration than to me ignored for the past x weeks or whatever and you are done. Its over end of. Get over this idea that he brought you into something that broke your moral code - you did that. I know how you feel, I felt hte same way, I broke every rule I believe in how could your world not revolve around me forever and ever - but thats the way it is. breaking your moral code is your own issue. Again the moral thing isnt the point. THe point is YOU deserve to be told if he wants out not to be in a position where he lets things fade. Be aware that once you stand up for yourself he may say oh no and make an effort, but really its too late, you shouldnt need to walk away to get him to behave properly.
woinlove Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I agree with Owl. I also think that even if you had a sit-down discussion, chances are you would not get the truth. Sometimes this is because the MM has competing needs or desires and says what he thinks to be true at the moment. Sometimes it is because the MM is a good liar when it comes to getting his needs met. Also, many MM want to leave a door open in case they feel the need again sometime in the future.
MorningCoffee Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I agree with Owl. I also think that even if you had a sit-down discussion, chances are you would not get the truth. Sometimes this is because the MM has competing needs or desires and says what he thinks to be true at the moment. Sometimes it is because the MM is a good liar when it comes to getting his needs met. Also, many MM want to leave a door open in case they feel the need again sometime in the future. Completely know what you mean by the bolded -- this is how my ex-AP/MW was, and why she was able to make me believe that she was always honest with me -- because to her, when she said it, it was "true at the moment." But objectively, not so much. So I agree having "the talk" seemes desirable, but may not actually accomplish all that the OP hopes to.
alexandria35 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I think the walking away advice is probably completely correct, but he's told me that he hasn't been discovered, and insists that he's just been busy and depressed (he's in a new city and has no job or other friends). I think that's why we clung to each other so quickly -- we both needed a friend, and he wanted sex. I know that I need to end it, but I guess what I'm asking is how, and am I justified in wanting a sit-down discussion about it? Maybe he has met another OW and is spending his time with her. I agree that you should just walk away.
steelknife Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I've been involved with a MM since April and have been torn up about it since the beginning. I never truly fell in love with him, but I was very lonely and having someone need/want me and having someone to talk to and spend time with (including the physical relationship) seemed to fill an emptiness in me -- just as I seemed to fill the part of him that desired excitement and companionship. He became dependent upon me quickly, with constant texts and visits to his house every other day. It riddled me with guilt, and I was clear with him from the beginning that I didn't want to do this, but I let him talk me into it anyway. Now I've found that I must have become dependent upon his attention at some point. He's stopped talking to me very much, with no explanation as to why. As much as I hate it, it's tearing me up and I've got a strong urge to cling and pursue him. I've been looking for the right time to end it and start NC, and it looks like this is it. However, I want so much to sit him down and talk about it, rather than let him treat it with such nonchalance. I feel like he's taken something from me by involving me in something that would hurt someone (though obviously I'm also to blame), and I don't think it's fair to just be thrown away after how much of my moral self I've sacrificed to be with him. Is this an unreasonable request/stupid idea? Should I just let the relationship fade away? I feel like I deserve an explanation so that I can move on. What should I do? first and foremost. you came to the right place. the posters here have diff insights and opinions but they can help you get through. second, im not an expert, we are basically in the same boat, different size, different model, year and make. but same boat. youve been at this for what? 6 months? i thnk, while at it. just walk away. i know it is not easy. ive been there and i was never able to do it. we lost so much of ourselves when we are in this kind of relationship. we lost our morals, pride, dignity, shame. we accept being an option, we accept being second, we accept everything. just as long as we have mm. and as far as i can see, he has lost interest in you. he could be with another ow. or focusing on his marriage. and you dont deserve this. we dont. but i hope and pray tha tyou will find the strength to LEAVE AND WALK AWAY. this relationship will do nothing good to you except crush your belief in yourself. leave. before it is too late.
20Seconds Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 He's stopped talking to me very much, with no explanation as to why. As much as I hate it, it's tearing me up and I've got a strong urge to cling and pursue him. I've been looking for the right time to end it and start NC, and it looks like this is it. However, I want so much to sit him down and talk about it, rather than let him treat it with such nonchalance. I feel like he's taken something from me by involving me in something that would hurt someone (though obviously I'm also to blame), and I don't think it's fair to just be thrown away after how much of my moral self I've sacrificed to be with him. Is this an unreasonable request/stupid idea? Should I just let the relationship fade away? I feel like I deserve an explanation so that I can move on. What should I do? I really feel for you Halemeno, I suspect however much as you might want it this man is not going to give you proper explanations, or allow you to have your say. And yes, it makes you feel totally used when they deny you the opportunity to be heard and have an honest discussion. I have just finished an A after 15 months and I was left in a very similar situation with no answers or explanations. I have no idea what MM really wanted, what he was feeling or doing when he messed me around and blew hot & cold on me (which happened several times during the A) - in the end despite having a need to know I could feel it getting out of control and so I walked away. I very much doubt MM would ever have properly finished with me. It is quite a passive aggressive stance which I think seems common with MM that they don;t want to be the one to finish the A - whether it's because they want to keep their options open or whether it's because they fear what might happen if they do. They would rather you finish it, then they can go back and justify it all to themselves - the "I don;t understand why she finished with me" - feeling sorry for themselves - in other words total absolution of any responsibility for the situation, while limiting the damage to themselves, their lives and their families. It seemed to me that MM saw me / our relationship sometimes as something that had to be "managed" - for those who don't intend to leave their M, damage limitation is always at the forefront of their minds IMO. Maybe that sounds cycnical but I am - having an A has hardened me to the reality of the lives of some of these men. Everything they supposedly stand for - hardworking family men - is a complete fake. You can choose to live your life going forward with integrity and authenticity - something which your MM will probably never achieve. When you do finally make that choice, it's a great relief
maravilla Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I really feel for you Halemeno, I suspect however much as you might want it this man is not going to give you proper explanations, or allow you to have your say. And yes, it makes you feel totally used when they deny you the opportunity to be heard and have an honest discussion. I have just finished an A after 15 months and I was left in a very similar situation with no answers or explanations. I have no idea what MM really wanted, what he was feeling or doing when he messed me around and blew hot & cold on me (which happened several times during the A) - in the end despite having a need to know I could feel it getting out of control and so I walked away. I very much doubt MM would ever have properly finished with me. It is quite a passive aggressive stance which I think seems common with MM that they don;t want to be the one to finish the A - whether it's because they want to keep their options open or whether it's because they fear what might happen if they do. They would rather you finish it, then they can go back and justify it all to themselves - the "I don;t understand why she finished with me" - feeling sorry for themselves - in other words total absolution of any responsibility for the situation, while limiting the damage to themselves, their lives and their families. It seemed to me that MM saw me / our relationship sometimes as something that had to be "managed" - for those who don't intend to leave their M, damage limitation is always at the forefront of their minds IMO. Maybe that sounds cycnical but I am - having an A has hardened me to the reality of the lives of some of these men. Everything they supposedly stand for - hardworking family men - is a complete fake. You can choose to live your life going forward with integrity and authenticity - something which your MM will probably never achieve. When you do finally make that choice, it's a great relief I agree w/ 20seconds about many MMs' passive-aggressiveness and never properly finishing an affair. I started to see that my MM agreed with me that we needed space- at least a part of him knew it was unfair to keep dragging it all out- but he couldn't be the one to say it. I think he was relieved when I said it! And even then I didn't get proper closure. He just walked away from me without even a goodbye. But now he's probably thinking, at least she ended it and I didn't have to hurt her, or make a decision, etc. They are conflict avoiders, passive-aggressive and, to be blunt, cowards. They want everyone to think they're the good guy when they are just being bad bad bad to everyone. I hope you can find your own closure from within. I've learned from this that all I have is myself. If I don't make myself the number one priority, no one else will, least of all an MM! So concentrate on you. Good luck. I know it's hard and I'm sorry you're hurting.
Katharin Clifton Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I was left in a very similar situation with no answers or explanations. I have no idea what MM really wanted, what he was feeling or doing when he messed me around... - in the end despite having a need to know, I could feel it getting out of control and so I walked away. I very much doubt MM would ever have properly finished with me. They would rather you finish it, then they can go back and justify it all to themselves - the "I don't understand why she finished with me" - feeling sorry for themselves. Maybe that sounds cycnical but I am - having an A has hardened me to the reality of the lives of some of these men. Everything they supposedly stand for - hardworking family men - is a complete fake. You can choose to live your life going forward with integrity and authenticity - something which your MM will probably never achieve. When you do finally make that choice, it's a great relief Dear Halemeno, I understand what you are going through now and I completely agree with 20 Seconds and Maravilla. Don't you just hate the way MMs mess with our hearts and minds with their passive aggressive stance? My affair seemingly ended with my MM walking away from it without a word. After all those declarations of love and passionate embraces, all it took was a few strong words from me regarding commitment and he bolted. My last words to him were in an email which said: "We need to talk about where we stand in each others' lives and how far we want to take this." I waited and waited and waited. That was in August. Between then and now, I have been suffering so much emotional anguish. He refuses to give me the closure that I need and has left me wondering what's going on in his head. In the end, I realised that I had to create my own closure because I was definitely not going to get it from him. It is terrible that someone whom you thought cared for you and even put on a pedestal will not even take the time to sit down with you to talk about what has happened. My MM will tell me that he is too busy with work to meet me but I know he has been going out with other people, attending dinners and parties, etc. How do you think this makes me feel? I still do not fully understand why they behave this way. But in the case of my MM, I think I humiliated him when I told him during our quarrel that I'd never leave my husband for him. My MM is a very high-ranking military man who is used to giving orders and being obeyed. So it was very hard for him to swallow what i said. I think pride is a real issue for men and they will do whatever it takes to avoid being rejected and humiliated. My MM always wanted to be in control. But my character is pretty strong too, so there was always a power struggle. At one point, during my suffering, I regretted saying what I did because I felt it caused me to lose him. But regrets are pointless. If he hadn't devasted me by telling me: "Why do you keep asking me for a plan? Seriously I haven't got one right now." Could he then have blamed me for saying: "I will never leave my husband for you." THe bottom line is, these MMs are liars, moral cowards and hypocrites. If you consider how in my case, my MM is a trained Navy Seal, the notion of his cowardice is indeed ironic. I used to think the world of him but the entire experiece has left me disillusioned. My advice to you is similar to Maravilla's and 20 Seconds': Create your own closure and move on. Do not expect anything from him because you are not going to get it. Even if you do meet him to talk things out, you may not get the closure you so badly need because 1) He may not be fully attentive to what you have to say as he is too caught up with his own needs 2) He may just tell you more lies and suck you in deeper into this highly dysfunctional situation that you really should get out of These relationships that we have found ourselves in are trees that will never bear good fruit because their roots are rotten. The foundation of every affair is DECEIT. When I think about how much damage it does to the self-esteem of so many beautiful and intelligent women, it saddens me. Let's not be one of them. We deserve more.
Fieldsofgold Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Dear Halemeno, I understand what you are going through now and I completely agree with 20 Seconds and Maravilla. Don't you just hate the way MMs mess with our hearts and minds with their passive aggressive stance? My affair seemingly ended with my MM walking away from it without a word. After all those declarations of love and passionate embraces, all it took was a few strong words from me regarding commitment and he bolted. My last words to him were in an email which said: "We need to talk about where we stand in each others' lives and how far we want to take this." I waited and waited and waited. That was in August. Between then and now, I have been suffering so much emotional anguish. He refuses to give me the closure that I need and has left me wondering what's going on in his head. In the end, I realised that I had to create my own closure because I was definitely not going to get it from him. It is terrible that someone whom you thought cared for you and even put on a pedestal will not even take the time to sit down with you to talk about what has happened. My MM will tell me that he is too busy with work to meet me but I know he has been going out with other people, attending dinners and parties, etc. How do you think this makes me feel? I still do not fully understand why they behave this way. But in the case of my MM, I think I humiliated him when I told him during our quarrel that I'd never leave my husband for him. My MM is a very high-ranking military man who is used to giving orders and being obeyed. So it was very hard for him to swallow what i said. I think pride is a real issue for men and they will do whatever it takes to avoid being rejected and humiliated. My MM always wanted to be in control. But my character is pretty strong too, so there was always a power struggle. At one point, during my suffering, I regretted saying what I did because I felt it caused me to lose him. But regrets are pointless. If he hadn't devasted me by telling me: "Why do you keep asking me for a plan? Seriously I haven't got one right now." Could he then have blamed me for saying: "I will never leave my husband for you." THe bottom line is, these MMs are liars, moral cowards and hypocrites. If you consider how in my case, my MM is a trained Navy Seal, the notion of his cowardice is indeed ironic. I used to think the world of him but the entire experiece has left me disillusioned. My advice to you is similar to Maravilla's and 20 Seconds': Create your own closure and move on. Do not expect anything from him because you are not going to get it. Even if you do meet him to talk things out, you may not get the closure you so badly need because 1) He may not be fully attentive to what you have to say as he is too caught up with his own needs 2) He may just tell you more lies and suck you in deeper into this highly dysfunctional situation that you really should get out of These relationships that we have found ourselves in are trees that will never bear good fruit because their roots are rotten. The foundation of every affair is DECEIT. When I think about how much damage it does to the self-esteem of so many beautiful and intelligent women, it saddens me. Let's not be one of them. We deserve more. KC, I'm just wondering if you dated him before or after me? 20sec and Mara, totally agree with you, too. I DID have the talk - forced it. Actually, we had the talk several different times. (I'm stubborn and persistent) The closest thing I got to a straight answer was "I didn't have a plan!" Lots of "It's you I love." Nothing that gave me peace, or closure, or answers. I finally figured out that wondering anything about anything with these guys is a total waste of good time and energy, will make you crazy, and will keep you emotionally connected to him. Accept what is, walk away, get yourself in a good place. And keep posting here. You will be ok.
myname Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I agree w/ 20seconds about many MMs' passive-aggressiveness and never properly finishing an affair. I started to see that my MM agreed with me that we needed space- at least a part of him knew it was unfair to keep dragging it all out- but he couldn't be the one to say it. I think he was relieved when I said it! And even then I didn't get proper closure. He just walked away from me without even a goodbye. But now he's probably thinking, at least she ended it and I didn't have to hurt her, or make a decision, etc. They are conflict avoiders, passive-aggressive and, to be blunt, cowards. They want everyone to think they're the good guy when they are just being bad bad bad to everyone. I hope you can find your own closure from within. I've learned from this that all I have is myself. If I don't make myself the number one priority, no one else will, least of all an MM! So concentrate on you. Good luck. I know it's hard and I'm sorry you're hurting. Totally felt this too when I called it quits with MM, and am sure he is feeling huge relief that he managed to get out of this situation with all the things he was worried about losing still intact, house, wife, work etc. I do sometimes feel a bit resentful of that cos it highlights to me that that must have been his plan all along, have some fun with me, but no serious intentions of changing a thing. And what makes me cross about that is there was no need for all the lies about loving me so much and wanting to leave, I wouldn't have shot him if he'd been straight with me, I could've dealt with it, I'm an adult. Oh yeah, maybe I wouldn't have slept with him for so long and I wouldn't have been so eager to please and support and be there for him. But sheesh, what a selfish pig, to lead me such a merry dance of loving lies just to get a bit extra for himself.
Katharin Clifton Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 what makes me cross about that is there was no need for all the lies about loving me so much and wanting to leave, I wouldn't have shot him if he'd been straight with me, I could've dealt with it, I'm an adult. Oh yeah, maybe I wouldn't have slept with him for so long and I wouldn't have been so eager to please and support and be there for him. But sheesh, what a selfish pig, to lead me such a merry dance of loving lies just to get a bit extra for himself. Sometimes, it's the fantasy that they like to play into. That's why they lie. It's part of the fun for them. It's not so much about deceiving you but making themselves believe the fantasy they're creating for themselves. How sick is that? But hey, such people are manipulative and dysfunctional in ways that we will never understand...
Mimolicious Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I've been involved with a MM since April and have been torn up about it since the beginning. Another one bites the dust. I never truly fell in love with him, but I was very lonely and having someone need/want me and having someone to talk to and spend time with (including the physical relationship) seemed to fill an emptiness in me -- just as I seemed to fill the part of him that desired excitement and companionship. What's wrong with having all of this FULL-TIME from a single dude who can be all yours to grab? He became dependent upon me quickly, with constant texts and visits to his house every other day. It riddled me with guilt, and I was clear with him from the beginning that I didn't want to do this, but I let him talk me into it anyway. *PAUSE* You were going to his house? You mean his W's house? I get a feeling that you must be young (no pun) to be peer pressured into something that you didn't want to do. Now I've found that I must have become dependent upon his attention at some point. He's stopped talking to me very much, with no explanation as to why. As much as I hate it, it's tearing me up and I've got a strong urge to cling and pursue him. Do you want more explanation than him being M? He met his goal, had you were he wanted. Lord knows how many other chicks he does this to and with. Ah! Here goes the looney-mill! You want to cling and pursue him?! Read around here and see where it may take you. The scenarios are endless but not many are peachy. I've been looking for the right time to end it and start NC, and it looks like this is it. However, I want so much to sit him down and talk about it, rather than let him treat it with such nonchalance. But why are you surprised that he would treat his fling with you any different and less nonchalantly than his M? I feel like he's taken something from me by involving me in something that would hurt someone (though obviously I'm also to blame), and I don't think it's fair to just be thrown away after how much of my moral self I've sacrificed to be with him. OK, please stop! Did he lie to you about being M? This is the only way that he would have involved you into something, other than than YOU were fully engaged and had about the same options as he did. Your "moral-self" is something that YOU shouldn't throw away or sacrifice for NOONE! Act the way you want to be treated. He saw that he can make you do whatever and he was right. Why are you shifting the blame to him making you do this? So was it any more "fair" to throw away his W? Tell us a bit about that. Is this an unreasonable request/stupid idea? Should I just let the relationship fade away? I feel like I deserve an explanation so that I can move on. What should I do? The request is not unreasonable. Your motives behind the reason sound like they are. You want/deserve an explanation but doesn't sound it it is for "closure" or to move on. Sounds like you want this face-off for better tactic.
Mimolicious Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 I've been involved with a MM since April and have been torn up about it since the beginning. Another one bites the dust. I never truly fell in love with him, but I was very lonely and having someone need/want me and having someone to talk to and spend time with (including the physical relationship) seemed to fill an emptiness in me -- just as I seemed to fill the part of him that desired excitement and companionship. What's wrong with having all of this FULL-TIME from a single dude who can be all yours to grab? He became dependent upon me quickly, with constant texts and visits to his house every other day. It riddled me with guilt, and I was clear with him from the beginning that I didn't want to do this, but I let him talk me into it anyway. *PAUSE* You were going to his house? You mean his W's house? I get a feeling that you must be young (no pun) to be peer pressured into something that you didn't want to do. Now I've found that I must have become dependent upon his attention at some point. He's stopped talking to me very much, with no explanation as to why. As much as I hate it, it's tearing me up and I've got a strong urge to cling and pursue him. Do you want more explanation than him being M? He met his goal, had you were he wanted. Lord knows how many other chicks he does this to and with. Ah! Here goes the looney-mill! You want to cling and pursue him?! Read around here and see where it may take you. The scenarios are endless but not many are peachy. I've been looking for the right time to end it and start NC, and it looks like this is it. However, I want so much to sit him down and talk about it, rather than let him treat it with such nonchalance. But why are you surprised that he would treat his fling with you any different and less nonchalantly than his M? I feel like he's taken something from me by involving me in something that would hurt someone (though obviously I'm also to blame), and I don't think it's fair to just be thrown away after how much of my moral self I've sacrificed to be with him. OK, please stop! Did he lie to you about being M? This is the only way that he would have involved you into something, other than than YOU were fully engaged and had about the same options as he did. Your "moral-self" is something that YOU shouldn't throw away or sacrifice for NOONE! Act the way you want to be treated. He saw that he can make you do whatever and he was right. Why are you shifting the blame to him making you do this? So was it any more "fair" to throw away his W? Tell us a bit about that. Is this an unreasonable request/stupid idea? Should I just let the relationship fade away? I feel like I deserve an explanation so that I can move on. What should I do? The request is not unreasonable. Your motives behind the reason sound like they are. You want/deserve an explanation but doesn't sound it it is for "closure" or to move on. Sounds like you want this face-off for better tactic.What are you going to do if he tells you to get over it? Call his W?
Mimolicious Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Oop, sorry for the dubs. Not sure what happened there.
Mimolicious Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Married or single young or old being let down in love always hurts and I am sorry you are going through this. You dont need to tell him its over unless you feel the need to tell him hes been a clown and you deserved more consideration than to me ignored for the past x weeks or whatever and you are done. Its over end of. Get over this idea that he brought you into something that broke your moral code - you did that. I know how you feel, I felt hte same way, I broke every rule I believe in how could your world not revolve around me forever and ever - but thats the way it is. breaking your moral code is your own issue. Again the moral thing isnt the point. THe point is YOU deserve to be told if he wants out not to be in a position where he lets things fade. Be aware that once you stand up for yourself he may say oh no and make an effort, but really its too late, you shouldnt need to walk away to get him to behave properly. Behave properly? If he "behaved properly" walking into her would have never happened. Too late now! From the looks of it, he is behaving properly according to the sitch, no? Isn't this what most cheaters looking for boosters do? Someone has to end up drained.
Mimolicious Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Dear Halemeno, I understand what you are going through now and I completely agree with 20 Seconds and Maravilla. Don't you just hate the way MMs mess with our hearts and minds with their passive aggressive stance? My affair seemingly ended with my MM walking away from it without a word. After all those declarations of love and passionate embraces, all it took was a few strong words from me regarding commitment and he bolted. My last words to him were in an email which said: "We need to talk about where we stand in each others' lives and how far we want to take this." I waited and waited and waited. That was in August. Between then and now, I have been suffering so much emotional anguish. He refuses to give me the closure that I need and has left me wondering what's going on in his head. In the end, I realised that I had to create my own closure because I was definitely not going to get it from him. It is terrible that someone whom you thought cared for you and even put on a pedestal will not even take the time to sit down with you to talk about what has happened. My MM will tell me that he is too busy with work to meet me but I know he has been going out with other people, attending dinners and parties, etc. How do you think this makes me feel? I still do not fully understand why they behave this way. But in the case of my MM, I think I humiliated him when I told him during our quarrel that I'd never leave my husband for him. My MM is a very high-ranking military man who is used to giving orders and being obeyed. So it was very hard for him to swallow what i said. I think pride is a real issue for men and they will do whatever it takes to avoid being rejected and humiliated. My MM always wanted to be in control. But my character is pretty strong too, so there was always a power struggle. At one point, during my suffering, I regretted saying what I did because I felt it caused me to lose him. But regrets are pointless. If he hadn't devasted me by telling me: "Why do you keep asking me for a plan? Seriously I haven't got one right now." Could he then have blamed me for saying: "I will never leave my husband for you." THe bottom line is, these MMs are liars, moral cowards and hypocrites. If you consider how in my case, my MM is a trained Navy Seal, the notion of his cowardice is indeed ironic. I used to think the world of him but the entire experiece has left me disillusioned. My advice to you is similar to Maravilla's and 20 Seconds': Create your own closure and move on. Do not expect anything from him because you are not going to get it. Even if you do meet him to talk things out, you may not get the closure you so badly need because 1) He may not be fully attentive to what you have to say as he is too caught up with his own needs 2) He may just tell you more lies and suck you in deeper into this highly dysfunctional situation that you really should get out of These relationships that we have found ourselves in are trees that will never bear good fruit because their roots are rotten. The foundation of every affair is DECEIT. When I think about how much damage it does to the self-esteem of so many beautiful and intelligent women, it saddens me. Let's not be one of them. We deserve more. Music stopped when you said- "leave my H for him". You are M??????????????????????? (I don't know your story but...) Where is your H trough all of this? Where does he stand? Why are you so involved into what someone else's H is doing than caring about your own? Whoa! THe bottom line is, these MMs are liars, moral cowards and hypocrites. But you're a MW.
Mimolicious Posted November 17, 2010 Posted November 17, 2010 Sometimes, it's the fantasy that they like to play into. That's why they lie. It's part of the fun for them. It's not so much about deceiving you but making themselves believe the fantasy they're creating for themselves. How sick is that? But hey, such people are manipulative and dysfunctional in ways that we will never understand... Because we don't want to understand. We want to ride in the same magic carpet and participate in the same fantasy. People can be all they want and they can ONLY do to you what YOU allow them to.
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