H’s friend – I feel like the OW but I don’t know what's going on..

[cyberfriendxx]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247682/

 

My story was posted in this thread up to now. Basically I got myself in a mess when I responded to my H’s friend giving me heavy signals which he denied when confronted by me but we ended up having what my H describes as an emotional one night stand.

 

My H quickly found evidence and I told him we had had contact and some of what we discussed although I only told him part of the truth at the time.

Since then my H has unexpectedly seen the OM regularly (the OM initiated regular contact). I had thought he would just lie low – he seems to have actively done the complete opposite.

 

My H, the OM and I have all met up a couple of times. The last time we met at someone’s house – the OM was very attentive to me and flattered me all the time, stood close to me often and even engineered a moment of brief physical contact outside of the usual greeting and leaving exchanges.

 

I had a brief amount of time with him alone and I told him my H had been down and that there were issues although I didn’t tell him I had told my H anything about our contact. He told me briefly again of the difficulties in his own relationship.

 

My H saw his friend again recently (the OM) and he was grilling my H for info about our relationship. My H told him of his recent stress and worry because he thought that I might have been starting an affair (my H did not tell the OM that he too knew of the contact the OM and I had had.) My H said the OM was anxious for details of our relationship and kept drawing the conversation back to it.

 

My H asked me a few days ago to be really honest about everything. He said he was sure that I had feelings for this OM and there was more to it than I had told him. He also said he had not been able to understand the OM’s behaviour either.

 

I confessed and told him absolutely everything about what happened, exactly what had been said and about my feelings for the OM. I could see how badly my H was hurting and he asked me to be truthful so I was.

My H and I have talked openly about our relationship and it has been very emotional. We are both all over the place.

 

I do have strong feelings for this OM but I am not going to do anything about it. My H and I both feel our relationship is completely up in the air right now and neither of us knows what we really want to do.

 

Neither my H or I feel we want to confront the OM about what’s going on although my H is getting very agitated as to why the OM keeps fishing for details of our relationship and any potential breakdown of it.

 

I feel I can’t begin to get a handle on my feelings all the time I just don’t understand what’s going on. My H says he imagined something was going on between me and the OM because of how I acted and also how weirdly the OM has been acting. He said he still has moments when he imagines it now – even after I’ve told him the whole truth.

 

Somehow it feels like I’m the OW but I just I don’t know what to think.

[Owl]

So...what's your plan to fix the situation?

 

You should know by now if you've been here for a while that any continued contact is going to keep the emotional aspects of this situation going.

 

Do you want to remain married, do you want to divorce, do you want to bury the whole thing in the sand for a short time til your H relaxes and resume it...what is it that you expect to happen from here?

 

You need a goal. Then you need a plan to get to that goal.

 

We can help with the plan...but you gotta pick the goal and let us know what it is you expect here.

 

What does your H want? What do you want?

[reservoirdog1]

I posted this in your other thread.

 

Here's the question: how badly do you want to fix your relationship with your H? And how much work are you prepared to do in order to fix it?

 

Cutting off all contact -- ALL contact, in whatever form -- between you and the OM is, hopefully, an absolute no-brainer. Send him an email telling him that you will not be in any further contact with him, and that he is not to contact you again. Let your H read it before you send it, and let him watch you send it. (If he's part of your social circle, you should enlist your H's help in not seeing the OM. Tell him that you don't want to see the OM, that seeing him makes you uncomfortable, and that you need him to help you avoid that.)

 

After that, if the OM phones, you hang up. If he sends you a text message or email, don't respond. And if he approaches you in person, walk away. And most critically -- IMMEDIATELY tell your H about this attempted contact, and if it was by email or text, let him read the message before you delete it.

 

Trust, as they say, takes years to build and seconds to destroy. And one of the requirements in building it is a consistent pattern of verifiable behaviour. By showing your H that you're not hiding anything from him anymore, he will gradually start to trust you again.

 

So how do you do that, and rebuild his damaged trust in you? For example, you can give your H absolute, unconditional, unrestricted access to your cell phone, email, facebook, and internet history records, any time he wants them. Give him your passwords so that he can check those things whenever he wants, without you knowing. As time goes by and he sees that you're not hiding anything, he will start to trust you again and he'll stop seeing the need to check up on you.

 

And most importantly, do those things WILLINGLY. Act like you WANT to do them. Don't make him nag you into them. Yes, you'll feel like you're sacrificing your privacy, but you have a choice here. You can decide you don't want to do the necessary work to rebuild his trust, and end the relationship. As the one who damaged the trust, the primary responsibility for rebuilding it is yours.

 

During the day, make a point of phoning or texting your H, just to say hi or to let him know what you're doing. Let him know when you're going to be home, and stick to it. If you're out with friends, tell him who you're out with and where you're going.

 

Counselling would also be good for the two of you.

 

Good luck... you have a lot of work to do. I wish you the best.

[bestplayer]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247682/

 

My story was posted in this thread up to now. Basically I got myself in a mess when I responded to my H’s friend giving me heavy signals which he denied when confronted by me but we ended up having what my H describes as an emotional one night stand.

 

My H quickly found evidence and I told him we had had contact and some of what we discussed although I only told him part of the truth at the time.

Since then my H has unexpectedly seen the OM regularly (the OM initiated regular contact). I had thought he would just lie low – he seems to have actively done the complete opposite.

 

My H, the OM and I have all met up a couple of times. The last time we met at someone’s house – the OM was very attentive to me and flattered me all the time, stood close to me often and even engineered a moment of brief physical contact outside of the usual greeting and leaving exchanges.

 

I had a brief amount of time with him alone and I told him my H had been down and that there were issues although I didn’t tell him I had told my H anything about our contact. He told me briefly again of the difficulties in his own relationship.

 

My H saw his friend again recently (the OM) and he was grilling my H for info about our relationship. My H told him of his recent stress and worry because he thought that I might have been starting an affair (my H did not tell the OM that he too knew of the contact the OM and I had had.) My H said the OM was anxious for details of our relationship and kept drawing the conversation back to it.

 

My H asked me a few days ago to be really honest about everything. He said he was sure that I had feelings for this OM and there was more to it than I had told him. He also said he had not been able to understand the OM’s behaviour either.

 

I confessed and told him absolutely everything about what happened, exactly what had been said and about my feelings for the OM. I could see how badly my H was hurting and he asked me to be truthful so I was.

My H and I have talked openly about our relationship and it has been very emotional. We are both all over the place.

 

I do have strong feelings for this OM but I am not going to do anything about it. My H and I both feel our relationship is completely up in the air right now and neither of us knows what we really want to do.

 

Neither my H or I feel we want to confront the OM about what’s going on although my H is getting very agitated as to why the OM keeps fishing for details of our relationship and any potential breakdown of it.

 

I feel I can’t begin to get a handle on my feelings all the time I just don’t understand what’s going on. My H says he imagined something was going on between me and the OM because of how I acted and also how weirdly the OM has been acting. He said he still has moments when he imagines it now – even after I’ve told him the whole truth.

 

Somehow it feels like I’m the OW but I just I don’t know what to think.

 

"......do have strong feelings for this OM but I am not going to do anything about it. My H and I both feel our relationship is completely up in the air right now and neither of us knows what we really want to do. "

 

well from your post it doesn't look like you are really keen on working it out with your H so I suggest be truthful to your partner about it so that no one is in dark about the situation .

 

 

Best of Luck

[fooled once]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247682/

 

My story was posted in this thread up to now. Basically I got myself in a mess when I responded to my H’s friend giving me heavy signals which he denied when confronted by me but we ended up having what my H describes as an emotional one night stand.

 

My H quickly found evidence and I told him we had had contact and some of what we discussed although I only told him part of the truth at the time.

Since then my H has unexpectedly seen the OM regularly (the OM initiated regular contact). I had thought he would just lie low – he seems to have actively done the complete opposite.

 

My H, the OM and I have all met up a couple of times. The last time we met at someone’s house – the OM was very attentive to me and flattered me all the time, stood close to me often and even engineered a moment of brief physical contact outside of the usual greeting and leaving exchanges.

 

I had a brief amount of time with him alone and I told him my H had been down and that there were issues although I didn’t tell him I had told my H anything about our contact. He told me briefly again of the difficulties in his own relationship.

 

My H saw his friend again recently (the OM) and he was grilling my H for info about our relationship. My H told him of his recent stress and worry because he thought that I might have been starting an affair (my H did not tell the OM that he too knew of the contact the OM and I had had.) My H said the OM was anxious for details of our relationship and kept drawing the conversation back to it.

 

My H asked me a few days ago to be really honest about everything. He said he was sure that I had feelings for this OM and there was more to it than I had told him. He also said he had not been able to understand the OM’s behaviour either.

 

I confessed and told him absolutely everything about what happened, exactly what had been said and about my feelings for the OM. I could see how badly my H was hurting and he asked me to be truthful so I was.

My H and I have talked openly about our relationship and it has been very emotional. We are both all over the place.

 

I do have strong feelings for this OM but I am not going to do anything about it. My H and I both feel our relationship is completely up in the air right now and neither of us knows what we really want to do.

 

Neither my H or I feel we want to confront the OM about what’s going on although my H is getting very agitated as to why the OM keeps fishing for details of our relationship and any potential breakdown of it.

 

I feel I can’t begin to get a handle on my feelings all the time I just don’t understand what’s going on. My H says he imagined something was going on between me and the OM because of how I acted and also how weirdly the OM has been acting. He said he still has moments when he imagines it now – even after I’ve told him the whole truth.

 

Somehow it feels like I’m the OW but I just I don’t know what to think.

 

Doesn't matter what the OM is doing. What matters is YOUR behavior because that is the ONLY behavior you can control.

 

Are you saying that anytime anyone looks at you with lust that you should see what could possibly happen if you chose to respond?

 

IF you want to save your marriage, stay away from the OM. Stop texting him or seeking him out at parties. Stop socializing with him.

 

If you want to explore things with the OM, be upfront with your H and let him know of your desire and offer him the same opportunity to one of your friends or one of his work collegues.

[cyberfriendxx]

So...what's your plan to fix the situation?

 

You should know by now if you've been here for a while that any continued contact is going to keep the emotional aspects of this situation going.

 

Do you want to remain married, do you want to divorce, do you want to bury the whole thing in the sand for a short time til your H relaxes and resume it...what is it that you expect to happen from here?

 

You need a goal. Then you need a plan to get to that goal.

 

We can help with the plan...but you gotta pick the goal and let us know what it is you expect here.

 

What does your H want? What do you want?

I know that any contact may be keeping the emotional aspects going but to be honest I just don't know what the OM is thinking - he's a mass of mixed messages.

 

I have been with my H for a very long time - I never questioned myself within my marriage before although I know I have been unhappy for quite a while in many ways. I wasn't looking to find someone else - I was vulnerable I think because of my discontent but I reacted to something that I thought the OM was doing. I have wild moments when I think perhaps my marriage is not what I want and also many times when I know it is valuable and needs to be worked at and that my H is a good man.

 

To be honest I am feeling torn two ways -I love my H and always have but the feelings that I have for this OM are something I have never experienced before.

 

If the OM is not bothered about me then I would like to bury it because I know if he and my H fall out over this (and it will spill out to social and business circles) then it has huge repercussions for them and others.

 

I am not contacting this man - not texting him or seeking out his company. He is 'contacting me' I feel by pressing my H about our marital state. My H chooses to speak to him about it because his friend constantly raises the subject.

 

My H is confused too - he doesn't understand his friend's motives but for his own reasons (and because amazingly he is being understanding of my emotional turmoil) - he has chosen not to let on to his friend that he knows anything.

 

If the OM were genuinely to have any feelings towards me then I would want to know and then perhaps I would be clearer).

 

I can't emotionally make a decision - I feel like I am in freefall - I don't have any idea which way to go. I'm not sure of my goal - I want the truth from the OM and then I perhaps could start. I don't want things to get worse but at the moment it all seems so unresolved and a mess. I have told my H all of this - there is nothing he doesn't know about this situation.

 

Thanks for you advice - I will try thinking about what I really want.

[Owl]

Not making a choice is still making a choice.

 

It's choosing to continue the situation...in effect, continue the emotional affair that's ongoing.

 

You're going to stay where you're at until you choose to change the situation.

[cyberfriendxx]

I posted this in your other thread.

 

Here's the question: how badly do you want to fix your relationship with your H? And how much work are you prepared to do in order to fix it?

 

Cutting off all contact -- ALL contact, in whatever form -- between you and the OM is, hopefully, an absolute no-brainer. Send him an email telling him that you will not be in any further contact with him, and that he is not to contact you again. Let your H read it before you send it, and let him watch you send it. (If he's part of your social circle, you should enlist your H's help in not seeing the OM. Tell him that you don't want to see the OM, that seeing him makes you uncomfortable, and that you need him to help you avoid that.)

 

After that, if the OM phones, you hang up. If he sends you a text message or email, don't respond. And if he approaches you in person, walk away. And most critically -- IMMEDIATELY tell your H about this attempted contact, and if it was by email or text, let him read the message before you delete it.

 

Trust, as they say, takes years to build and seconds to destroy. And one of the requirements in building it is a consistent pattern of verifiable behaviour. By showing your H that you're not hiding anything from him anymore, he will gradually start to trust you again.

 

So how do you do that, and rebuild his damaged trust in you? For example, you can give your H absolute, unconditional, unrestricted access to your cell phone, email, facebook, and internet history records, any time he wants them. Give him your passwords so that he can check those things whenever he wants, without you knowing. As time goes by and he sees that you're not hiding anything, he will start to trust you again and he'll stop seeing the need to check up on you.

 

And most importantly, do those things WILLINGLY. Act like you WANT to do them. Don't make him nag you into them. Yes, you'll feel like you're sacrificing your privacy, but you have a choice here. You can decide you don't want to do the necessary work to rebuild his trust, and end the relationship. As the one who damaged the trust, the primary responsibility for rebuilding it is yours.

 

During the day, make a point of phoning or texting your H, just to say hi or to let him know what you're doing. Let him know when you're going to be home, and stick to it. If you're out with friends, tell him who you're out with and where you're going.

 

Counselling would also be good for the two of you.

 

Good luck... you have a lot of work to do. I wish you the best.

 

Thanks for your advice and your best wishes.

My H has been having counselling and I too have started some. We are both in a difficult place - separately and jointly.

 

I am not contacting this OM as I said - the confusion has arisen because he initially denied that he had any interest in my but then his behaviour after that point and since has served to confuse this totally.

 

My H is the one who has regular contact and it is through him that the OM is signalling his interest in our marital situation. My H is confused - I am confused but because of the complicated nature of the relationships we have both chosen not to disclose to the OM that we are both in full possession of the facts.

 

I understand I have broken trust -and I know that takes alot of repairing. I am feeling confused about what I want and how I feel - I seem to be playing catch up with all my emotions - they fly about all the time.

 

I love my H and will try and repair the damage I have done - I am not sure about letting him invade all my privacy - I think for me that it is step too far - I am an individual first and a married person second in my book.

 

I can't give everything of myself and to be honest I really don't feel that in our marriage I have ever asked or expected him to do the same. That's not my perspective on it.

 

I will text and contact my H more if this will help - he has mentioned this.

 

I do love him - I have always done and have always been a good wife and never let him down before this. But this episode gave me an experience in life that I have never had before - for the first time in my life I totally fell in love - with this OM - it has overwhelmed me and made me question whether what I have is enough for the rest of my life.

 

My H understands this. He has been wonderfully understanding. He wants me to take time work things out and decide what I want. This is so hard - I am trying to work out what I want, I am wondering what the OM is thinking when he is grilling my H. I am wondering what is going to happen next and what I should do about it all.

[cyberfriendxx]

Not making a choice is still making a choice.

 

It's choosing to continue the situation...in effect, continue the emotional affair that's ongoing.

 

You're going to stay where you're at until you choose to change the situation.

 

I am not continuing the situation - I am not continuing the emotional affair(other than thinking about what has happened and what I feel) - I have not initiated any contact although I have not avoided him. It would have been difficult to avoid him at the occasions I have seen him without other people wondering why.

 

My H is the one having contact - he has made this choice.

It's complicated...

[Owl]

I am not continuing the situation - I am not continuing the emotional affair(other than thinking about what has happened and what I feel) - I have not initiated any contact although I have not avoided him. It would have been difficult to avoid him at the occasions I have seen him without other people wondering why.

 

My H is the one having contact - he has made this choice.

It's complicated...

 

No...it's simple.

 

Contact is contact. It doesn't matter who initiates it, nor how. And just because you don't initiate it doesn't mean that you're not continuing the situation. Simply by not enforcing NC you're making the choice to ACCEPT the contact.

 

I have NO IDEA why your H doesn't put his foot down (and potentially his boot up) with OM and END this situation once and for all. Perhaps he's afraid of "making waves"...but he needs to man up and recognize that he's risking his relationship with you by not forcing an end to this situation right now.

 

I get that other people may "wonder why". But in the scheme of things, does that matter when compared to losing your H, losing your marriage?

 

Assuming of course, that's what you choose.

 

But the bottom line remains...you're faced with fixing the situation that was created. It's up to you to do so...not to passively rely on H or OM to do so.

 

Please don't think I'm 'attacking' or in any way angry with you...it's easy to read a post here and walk away with that message. That's not my intent. My intent truly is to help...and to me, it sounds like your first biggest obstacle is indecisiveness.

[cyberfriendxx]

Doesn't matter what the OM is doing. What matters is YOUR behavior because that is the ONLY behavior you can control.

 

Are you saying that anytime anyone looks at you with lust that you should see what could possibly happen if you chose to respond?

 

IF you want to save your marriage, stay away from the OM. Stop texting him or seeking him out at parties. Stop socializing with him.

 

If you want to explore things with the OM, be upfront with your H and let him know of your desire and offer him the same opportunity to one of your friends or one of his work collegues.

 

I know it's what I'm doing that matters and that is all I can control. I'm certainly not saying that just because someone looks at me like that I should see what happens - I have been with my H for a very long time and I have never ever been in this position in my life before. The feelings I have are real and of great consequence to me - not the resultant of a light-hearted bit of lustful flirting.

 

I am not texting him and am not seeking him out... He has been in regular contact with my H - he has sought that contact out - not me. My H is wondering what all this is about too.

 

I have been totally upfront with my H and told him of my confusions and how I am emotionally messed up. I don't think it is at all helpful to suggest offering my H the same opportunity - presumably that is a flippant and sarcastic comment?? Not at all relevant.

[cyberfriendxx]

"......do have strong feelings for this OM but I am not going to do anything about it. My H and I both feel our relationship is completely up in the air right now and neither of us knows what we really want to do. "

 

well from your post it doesn't look like you are really keen on working it out with your H so I suggest be truthful to your partner about it so that no one is in dark about the situation .

 

 

Best of Luck

 

Thanks. I am sorry if it doesn't come across that I am taking this seriously enough. I have been totally and brutally truthful with my partner - because he asked me to and I wanted to be as honest as possible.

 

I don't know what I want - I can't decide it on a flip of a coin, a turn of a card - this is about my life - it feels like it's coming crashing down on me and all sorts of emotions I never felt before are whirring around. It's not black and white. No-one is in the dark except the OM.

 

I don't know whether to confront him further or not - after that means initiating contact and many here have told me not to do that... Perhaps you think I should contact him.

 

My H hasn't confronted him either - for his own reasons. We are both in a dilemma and living it day to day.

[cyberfriendxx]

No...it's simple.

 

Contact is contact. It doesn't matter who initiates it, nor how. And just because you don't initiate it doesn't mean that you're not continuing the situation. Simply by not enforcing NC you're making the choice to ACCEPT the contact.

 

I have NO IDEA why your H doesn't put his foot down (and potentially his boot up) with OM and END this situation once and for all. Perhaps he's afraid of "making waves"...but he needs to man up and recognize that he's risking his relationship with you by not forcing an end to this situation right now.

 

I get that other people may "wonder why". But in the scheme of things, does that matter when compared to losing your H, losing your marriage?

 

Assuming of course, that's what you choose.

 

But the bottom line remains...you're faced with fixing the situation that was created. It's up to you to do so...not to passively rely on H or OM to do so.

 

Please don't think I'm 'attacking' or in any way angry with you...it's easy to read a post here and walk away with that message. That's not my intent. My intent truly is to help...and to me, it sounds like your first biggest obstacle is indecisiveness.

 

I know you want to help and thanks. You're right - I cannot make a decision - it's a mass of jumbled emotions which I am just riding - it feels totally overwhelming - like my life has shifted completely in such a short time. I always thought I knew what I want - and all of a sudden I don't know anymore.

 

My feelings for my H are strong, built on many years. I love him, but I know I have huge and overwhelming feelings for this OM too. I can deal with these but I can't avoid him totally - believe me - I would have to go live on a desert island. My H can choose to confront him or not - I am not pressing him to do either. The OM is not lying low and allowing the dust to settle and to sort it out with him would mean I would have to contact and confront him.. Right way to go or wrong way to go?

[Owl]

Your best solution right now is still to choose what you want.

 

Seriously...how can you take action in any direction when your only two options are in completely different directions???

 

You CAN choose. Bottom line is...you HAVE TO.

 

If you choose OM...that means seperating from your H, ending that part of your life, and exploring the relationship with OM.

 

If you choose your H...that means ending any and all contact completely and totally with OM, and working with your H to identify and rebuild the things that are missing in your marriage, either pre-EA or post.

 

The two paths are totally in opposite directions...and the very first step towards either one is picking which one you'll take.

 

If you choose to reconcile your marriage...then the first step is NC with OM. The way to implement that is to tell your H that you've chosen to work on your marriage, and that you can't do that with any kind of contact ongoing with OM. Then work out a plan on how to make that happen WITH your H. That would probably include telling OM your choice and asking him to honor it...preferably in a joint communication where both you and your H are TOGETHER doing so. The wrong choice here would be to take action without working together with your H.

 

If you choose OM...then your path lies in seperation and divorce...and there's a good forum here on LS that can help support you through that too.

[Owl]

Just a suggestion...take a look and see if you can find my original post here back in 2004 on the Infidelity board.

 

My wife was faced with your choice as well. When we first went to MC (marriage counseling), the first thing the counselor told her was that she had to choose.

 

She couldn't expect ANYTHING to change or improve until she'd taken that first step.

 

Like you, she struggled with it. Told the MC that she thought she was wrong, that she couldn't do it.

 

After she HAD made her choice...she realized that the MC was right. Nothing could be done until that choice was made...and it was within her power all along. It wasn't easy...but she was able to do it.

[reservoirdog1]

I love my H and will try and repair the damage I have done - I am not sure about letting him invade all my privacy - I think for me that it is step too far - I am an individual first and a married person second in my book.

It's your decision, obviously. But if you want to rebuild trust, going above and beyond the call of duty is a good way to do it. If your H hasn't asked for access to your email, cell, etc. but you willingly offer it without being asked, that will probably tell him a lot. Shows him you're serious.

 

And it should be obvious, I hope, that if he DOES ask for access to those things, you should give it to him without hesitation. Hesitation on your part will send him a very clear message, like a diamond bullet to the forehead: there's still something there that you don't want him to see. Your protests about the need for "privacy" at that point will sound like crap, sorry to say.

 

Making your life an open book is one of the keys to rebuilding trust and recovering after an affair (emotional or physical), which is what this was. The time may come when you have to decide which is more important to you: your privacy or your marriage. And if it does come to that, and if you truly want to save your marriage, hopefully you'll make the right choice.

Edited November 3, 2010 by reservoirdog1

[cyberfriendxx]

It's your decision, obviously. But if you want to rebuild trust, going above and beyond the call of duty is a good way to do it. If your H hasn't asked for access to your email, cell, etc. but you willingly offer it without being asked, that will probably tell him a lot. Shows him you're serious.

 

And it should be obvious, I hope, that if he DOES ask for access to those things, you should give it to him without hesitation. Hesitation on your part will send him a very clear message, like a diamond bullet to the forehead: there's still something there that you don't want him to see. Your protests about the need for "privacy" at that point will sound like crap, sorry to say.

 

Making your life an open book is one of the keys to rebuilding trust and recovering after an affair (emotional or physical), which is what this was. The time may come when you have to decide which is more important to you: your privacy or your marriage. And if it does come to that, and if you truly want to save your marriage, hopefully you'll make the right choice.

 

Thanks

I have nothing to hide - he can see my texts, calls, emails etc etc because I am not contacting the OM. The only thing I want to keep for myself is the right to my own thoughts in my head and my feelings which are my own. I have shared alot with my H - he knows exactly how I feel - some people have already told me I was 'too' honest with him. But I disagreed.

 

He wanted to know the whole truth about how I felt - how much I felt for this

OM - and the fact that I didn't know how to go forward in my life. I accept that he deserves to know what I want to do.

 

How do you decide about your whole life, marriage, family, children, friends, social ties and place in life? It surely has to be a decision made with all the facts available to you and when you are thinking rationally and straight. I don't want to jeopardise all this with an instant decision.

 

Some people may say well you were going to throw it all away on a whim when you texted this guy - I can see that - I am sorry - I accept the blame, the fault. When I texted him etc etc I thought he at least would acknowledge his part in all this. I thought it must be important to him too.

 

He denied it, invited me back into the EA with his words and behaviour but has never outright acknowledged it to me.

 

He hasn't kept away from my H like I expected - he has done the opposite.

 

I don't know what to do. It's kind of hard to cope with having had an EA with someone who apparently seems to be denying it happened. I want to get to the truth and so does my H.

 

I need to work out what I want - but sometimes I feel weak and pathetic and I feel like I've got one hand tied behind my back and that someone else is pulling the strings.

[lkjh]

Thanks

I have nothing to hide - he can see my texts, calls, emails etc etc because I am not contacting the OM. The only thing I want to keep for myself is the right to my own thoughts in my head and my feelings which are my own. I have shared alot with my H - he knows exactly how I feel - some people have already told me I was 'too' honest with him. But I disagreed.

 

He wanted to know the whole truth about how I felt - how much I felt for this

OM - and the fact that I didn't know how to go forward in my life. I accept that he deserves to know what I want to do.

 

How do you decide about your whole life, marriage, family, children, friends, social ties and place in life? It surely has to be a decision made with all the facts available to you and when you are thinking rationally and straight. I don't want to jeopardise all this with an instant decision.

 

Some people may say well you were going to throw it all away on a whim when you texted this guy - I can see that - I am sorry - I accept the blame, the fault. When I texted him etc etc I thought he at least would acknowledge his part in all this. I thought it must be important to him too.

 

He denied it, invited me back into the EA with his words and behaviour but has never outright acknowledged it to me.

 

He hasn't kept away from my H like I expected - he has done the opposite.

 

I don't know what to do. It's kind of hard to cope with having had an EA with someone who apparently seems to be denying it happened. I want to get to the truth and so does my H.

 

I need to work out what I want - but sometimes I feel weak and pathetic and I feel like I've got one hand tied behind my back and that someone else is pulling the strings.

 

 

 

No you did not expect this we told you it would happen in your other thread. We told you not to contact him and instead you initiated a text. We told you to come clean and you said your H would never find out and he did. Also you were not honest with your H, you gave him trickle down truth until he figured it out.

 

You opened the door for this, you contacted the OM first after the weekend you guys all had, the OM responded to you initiating all of this.

 

 

OP, you are a cake eater. You need to make a choice, if you choose your marriage you guys need to cut the OM out of your life. You keep saying you don't contact him but if he contacts you, you need to ignore him. Time to grow up, you are playing with your H's life and that is wrong.

 

Also you need to be posting in the infidelity forum not the OM/OW. The fact that you chose to post here shows that you don't see yourself as a woman that is betraying her H but instead as a women involved with a taken man. You need to get your priorities straight

[cyberfriendxx]

No you did not expect this we told you it would happen in your other thread. We told you not to contact him and instead you initiated a text. We told you to come clean and you said your H would never find out and he did. Also you were not honest with your H, you gave him trickle down truth until he figured it out.

 

You opened the door for this, you contacted the OM first after the weekend you guys all had, the OM responded to you initiating all of this.

 

 

OP, you are a cake eater. You need to make a choice, if you choose your marriage you guys need to cut the OM out of your life. You keep saying you don't contact him but if he contacts you, you need to ignore him. Time to grow up, you are playing with your H's life and that is wrong.

 

Also you need to be posting in the infidelity forum not the OM/OW. The fact that you chose to post here shows that you don't see yourself as a woman that is betraying her H but instead as a women involved with a taken man. You need to get your priorities straight

 

I have thought about how to respond for the best but it seems pointless because I am a two dimensional on LS. Whatever else I don't know I do know as a wife of 20 plus years who has been loyal, strong, capable and an anchor for my H and our and his family - I am

A person who has always had sensible and proper priorities. I amnot an immature, spoilt girl who has a penchant for latching onto poor red blooded males who happen to keep their eye out for an easy chance. It seems like the OM has no responsibility in this - even if I don't contact him - the fact that he is in contact is somehow because of me. He has less expectation to live up to.

 

I genuinely am finding it hard to sort out my emotions and feel very low. But I don't need to put my emotions out here in order purely to have them dissed and used for someone else's blood sport. If you like your head is in a spin what use is there in inviting someone to bludgeon you round the head with a hammer?

 

I think LS is really valuable for all the people who have given good understanding, support and constructive advice.

So although I am sure a lot of what you write may have relevance in some way - it's not my life the way I know it is - my life is far less two dimensional.

 

So 'no thanks' to your advice. My head is splitting already.

[bestplayer]

Thanks

I have nothing to hide - he can see my texts, calls, emails etc etc because I am not contacting the OM. The only thing I want to keep for myself is the right to my own thoughts in my head and my feelings which are my own. I have shared alot with my H - he knows exactly how I feel - some people have already told me I was 'too' honest with him. But I disagreed.

 

He wanted to know the whole truth about how I felt - how much I felt for this

OM - and the fact that I didn't know how to go forward in my life. I accept that he deserves to know what I want to do.

 

How do you decide about your whole life, marriage, family, children, friends, social ties and place in life? It surely has to be a decision made with all the facts available to you and when you are thinking rationally and straight. I don't want to jeopardise all this with an instant decision.

 

Some people may say well you were going to throw it all away on a whim when you texted this guy - I can see that - I am sorry - I accept the blame, the fault. When I texted him etc etc I thought he at least would acknowledge his part in all this. I thought it must be important to him too.

 

He denied it, invited me back into the EA with his words and behaviour but has never outright acknowledged it to me.

 

He hasn't kept away from my H like I expected - he has done the opposite.

 

I don't know what to do. It's kind of hard to cope with having had an EA with someone who apparently seems to be denying it happened. I want to get to the truth and so does my H.

 

I need to work out what I want - but sometimes I feel weak and pathetic and I feel like I've got one hand tied behind my back and that someone else is pulling the strings.

 

so basically it seems that your decison about your whole life , marriage & husband etc depends on OM's feelings for you . If OM shows signs of being interested in a future with you , you will dump your H in a moment . Since you are not sure about OM's feelings for you , you are keeping your H as a second choice . Not a bad plan .

 

 

best of luck

[cyberfriendxx]

so basically it seems that your decison about your whole life , marriage & husband etc depends on OM's feelings for you . If OM shows signs of being interested in a future with you , you will dump your H in a moment . Since you are not sure about OM's feelings for you , you are keeping your H as a second choice . Not a bad plan .

 

 

best of luck

 

It's not a plan - I didn't catch up with the story yet - let alone make a plan - and YES this is my whole life - that's why I haven't decided even about making a decision.

 

Shall I leave my H and children and family and job and friends and life today????

Good idea or bad idea?

 

I would think - bad idea - perhaps I need to think it through - !

[Owl]

I think you're avoiding making a choice known.

 

Deep down...right now, you know which person you're going to choose.

 

You know the answer already, but you don't want to make that choice because you know that it's going to cause you to lose the man you don't choose.

 

I believe that not choosing in your case is choosing to avoid losing one of them...keeping them both for as long as you can manage it.

 

It's as I described in my wife's situation...you can't move forward until you make that choice. Especially since your husband knows about the other man...he's not going to sit there and blithely accept the continuance of that relationship.

 

You're choosing to try to keep both...

 

And choosing to do so is resulting in pain to everyone involved. You, your H, the other man.

 

I personally DO believe it's reasonable to expect you to make this choice RIGHT NOW.

 

I'm amazed that your H hasn't forced the issue.

 

But the bottom line is that YOU need to make your choice known. You already know who it is...you've just not admitted it consciously...not even to yourself perhaps.

 

Do something.

 

Then let your situation finally move towards resolution.

[Fight4Me]

To expand on what Owl has said, which is difficult to do since he's always right on the money, I would submit that this OM and whatever you may be feeling for him, is a major distraction in determining whether your marriage is truly worth saving. Even OW involved with MM will say that they don't want him to leave the marriage for them, but for tangible reasons apart from them. And if he does leave, he should do so with the intention of living alone before diving straight into another commitment. Anyone who hops from one person to the next indicates that they are dependent on someone else for their own happiness, and therefor will eventually become discontent because nobody else can do for us what we must be able to do for ourselves.

 

I'm not through my first cup of coffee, so my apologies if the above failed to make much sense. LOL

 

Ultimately, I think you should take the initiative (something your BH is probably secretly hoping for), and unite with your husband on an agreement to have no further contact with the OM. Together you compose a letter indicating that everything is out in the open, that you are choosing to put 100% into your marriage, and that there is to be no further contact with either of you at this time. Then you go about the business of fixing your marriage. Only then will you truly be able to determine if it can or should be saved.

 

If not, you will have no regrets for trying. You will be free to properly explore a relationship with someone else without any what-ifs plaguing you. I just think all this may be less about your feelings for OM and more about the perceived issues in your marriage. Until you've worked out the latter without outside interference, you will remain stagnate and confused, if not eventually completely heartbroken as the men in your life decide to give up on you altogether to seek out their own happiness. I don't say that to be snarky at all, but to give you an idea of what could happen as I don't wish the worst on anyone here. I know that I, myself, can often get stuck in a present quandary and not look farther down the road until someone else says something that makes me think.

 

These are just my thoughts, for what they're worth.

[lkjh]

I have thought about how to respond for the best but it seems pointless because I am a two dimensional on LS. Whatever else I don't know I do know as a wife of 20 plus years who has been loyal, strong, capable and an anchor for my H and our and his family - I am

A person who has always had sensible and proper priorities. I amnot an immature, spoilt girl who has a penchant for latching onto poor red blooded males who happen to keep their eye out for an easy chance. It seems like the OM has no responsibility in this - even if I don't contact him - the fact that he is in contact is somehow because of me. He has less expectation to live up to.

 

I genuinely am finding it hard to sort out my emotions and feel very low. But I don't need to put my emotions out here in order purely to have them dissed and used for someone else's blood sport. If you like your head is in a spin what use is there in inviting someone to bludgeon you round the head with a hammer?

 

I think LS is really valuable for all the people who have given good understanding, support and constructive advice.

So although I am sure a lot of what you write may have relevance in some way - it's not my life the way I know it is - my life is far less two dimensional.

 

So 'no thanks' to your advice. My head is splitting already.

 

In case you haven't noticed I have been a step ahead of you the entire time. I told you that contacting the OM and asking him about what he "was trying to do" would just open the door for him to get a little aggressive in his pursuit but you had to know what he was thinking. I told you that your H would find out and you said there was no way for that and then your H found out. I told you the OM would pop up in your life and you said he would just lay low and now he has been popping up left and right.

 

You want this to go farther and that is why you refuse to take any advice that could stop this. You can keep saying no thanks all you want but maybe you should think about all of the people around you and not just yourself

 

I am willing to bet that even-though you claim you don't communicate with the OM, if he text you right now you would have a long deep convo with him

[cyberfriendxx]

I think you're avoiding making a choice known.

 

Deep down...right now, you know which person you're going to choose.

 

You know the answer already, but you don't want to make that choice because you know that it's going to cause you to lose the man you don't choose.

 

I believe that not choosing in your case is choosing to avoid losing one of them...keeping them both for as long as you can manage it.

 

It's as I described in my wife's situation...you can't move forward until you make that choice. Especially since your husband knows about the other man...he's not going to sit there and blithely accept the continuance of that relationship.

 

You're choosing to try to keep both...

 

And choosing to do so is resulting in pain to everyone involved. You, your H, the other man.

 

I personally DO believe it's reasonable to expect you to make this choice RIGHT NOW.

 

I'm amazed that your H hasn't forced the issue.

 

But the bottom line is that YOU need to make your choice known. You already know who it is...you've just not admitted it consciously...not even to yourself perhaps.

 

Do something.

 

Then let your situation finally move towards resolution.

 

Thanks for the advice and I have thought about this for a few days.

Deep down I don't know which person I would choose. My H and I are together and we are in this together. The OM has said nothing to anyone other than me.

 

His message to me was that he was not wanting to pursue things and I feel he is keeping a close tab on what is happening via my H - for his own reasons ( he isn't making it clear what they are - although there can ONLY be a few). He has not told me he wants a relationship with me and I am not definitely surmising he does. I am just confused by him. I am not keeping him - I am wondering what his agenda is.

 

I have thought about what each 'choice' (needing to be made now) - would bring - so here goes

 

IF I Choose the OM (assuming that there is any possibility of that) So..

Leave my H and divorce

He or I leave the family house

Our kids are upset totally and have to decide to live with one or other of us

I end a 20 plus year relationship

We end up selling our house

I disrupt my family and cause them all pain (including my H MIL who is very close to me and relies on me alot as she is on her own)

My H loses his job of 20 years (as he works in the family business)

My H loses his friendship with his BIL (my brother) who he is close to

My H loses a close friendship group who the OM is a member of.

I lose friends.

 

The OM tells his family and W and probably leaves them OR alternatively he rejects me out of hand and my job, social life and ties with my family are jeopardised.

 

IF I Choose my H and try and have NC with the OM (only can be done with my H's agreement and consent).

I have to leave or severly curtail my job (of 20 plus years) in the family business or tell my family to cut their business ties with the OM (which they wouldn't do)

My H still has the problem of how to deal with his close friendship group who the OM is a member of.

I lose alot of contact with my B and his family because the OM and his family are close to them.

I keep my feelings for this OM to myself (and cause my H pain because he wants me to tell him everything - he CANNOT deal with not knowing what I am thinking about).

 

I don't understand how I am having all the power to 'keep' both of them. My H has choices in this - so does the OM. I certainly am not 'keeping' the OM. How can I be? I have no definite answers from him about how he feels.

 

He told me he wasn't going to pursue it - he then involved himself via my H. I haven't had any discussion with him since of any importance.

 

I also don't understand how I am causing everyone else pain - apart of course to my H I know - I am causing him distress but I have told him the truth - like he asked me to - he told me he doesn't want me to make a decision on his behalf and that I need to think it through.

 

I am certainly not going to accept that I am causing the OM pain. His inability to face up to the way he acted means his inertia is of his own making. If he chose to tell me what was going on then it would really help. He 'chooses' not to.

 

My H can at any time force the issue with the OM. He 'chooses' not to.

 

I love my H - I don't want to throw everything away on a snap decision. I have no idea what the OM thinks and even if he was serious about me - and I have no idea about that - would I just 'jump up and leave?

 

I stupidly contacted him because I got caught up in an emotional moment with him which for me escalated in terms of how I felt. I fell in love and realised that this was a really stupid thing to have done. But I can't change it.

 

My H is a good man who I have feelings for and who loves me. But I know now that there feels something missing and it has made me realise alot about the person I am and the reasons I behaved the way I did both at the start of our relationship and just recently.

 

When the OM brushed me off (although I didn't believe him totally at the time) I accepted that I wouldn't do anything further. The only thing I couldn't do was stop feeling the way I did about him.

 

Should I put it aside and try and forget it and work on what I have? One minute I know I'd like to try and another minute I think that what I feel for this OM is so huge that I can't let it slip from me. Although of course I don't want to go against my H and pursue it again. So in this case I will leave it alone.

 

So back to the decision - right now - today - this minute.

.. I'm not convinced I can do it. SORRY. If that means I'm weak - then I'm weak.

 

Your thoughts have been helpful though and thank you for that.