Pretty sure I am cursed in love. Can't believe I am here again

[Confused9]

Some of you may remember me, some of you won't but 3 years ago, my fiance of 4 years/boyfriend of 7 left me for the other woman and coincidentally got married 7 months later and had a baby 11 months later. He left me with a boat load of debt and I was devastated. A year ago I met someone and he knew everything about my past as I told him and I obvi was scared to get in to a relationship but I did it and we struggled in the beginning but had never been happied. Until Friday when...

 

He broke up with me. I am completely devastated and heartbroken, I can't believe I am here again. I can't even explain how happy we were and this all came out of left feild. Pretty sure he cheated but he denies it to the end. Here's the story. I CAN'T do this again!!!

 

I got a message on FB that my boyfriend was planning to have s*x tonight (Thursday) and he bought condoms from the store after work from a Joann Smith who then deleted her facebook. I confronted him. He denied it. Was like begging me to hear him out. I looked on his phone and saw that he had called someone named Nicole at some point, didn't look when if it was Thursday or before or what and asked him who she was. He said she was some girl who lived at an apartment in a town close by and was a customer of his that he knew from a few years ago when he worked there that had come back in to his store recently. He said she had a kid and is a 'los*r'. So I left work and met him at my house. I asked him to look at his phone again and the phonecall to Nicole was gone. I asked what happened to it and he was like what. I don't know what you are talking about. Completely denying it even existed. So in a blackberry if you go to the phonebook, the last person you looked up will be there and suer enough it was 'Nicole'. I was so cnfused and was like who is she, call her. So he called her and I took the phone and I swore someone picked up but didn't say anything. So I had him call her back and he was like: 'Hey Nicole, it's XX, sorry to call you so late but confused9 seems to think we are messing around and that was it about her. I went in to my house and checked his bank statement and didn't see anything to do with a pharmacy charge but there was a charge for a liquour store for 14.00 where he said he bought beer and gum cause him and his friend were plannign on hanging out that night. He was at my house for like 5 hours (till 4 AM) and he was swearing he didn't do anything and all that and saying I was his soul mate, etc, he practically had an anxiety attack and we ended up going in to my room and started making out and then we slept together and it was amazing and he was like I am so in love with you and blah blah blah. Then Friday he sent me flowers but I was still questioning him and everything and he got mad and was like I can't believe you are questioning me after I sent you flowers (um?) so we got in to a fight and he hung up on me. So when I got home from work I asked if he was coming over still and he said no cause he had a headache and didn't feel good and I said if you don't come here we are over and he said I don't feel good and I can't take your trust issues (um, I didn't have trust issues until this!!!). Then he finally said he'd come over and when he did he broke up with me saying that he'd been having doubts for a few months and that he was going to sound like and @sshole but it's becasue of my family issues (all my siblings are heroin @ddicts so this causes a lot of stress and unhappiness) and my insecurities about love. (My ex used the same thing about my family and the new b/f knew that and knew how uspet it made me!!!!) So we went back and forth and I was in shock and I packed his sh*t and he was crying and he was like I'm sorry just give me some time. I still want to be friends with you, etc. I was like I don't want to be friends with you I hate you. So he tried to storm off and came back and was like confused9, please just give me some time to clear my head (token cheater reference). Anyway, so he left and he had his work van and my friends drove by his house later and it wasn't there so they asked where it could be and I said prob at the apt building he said Nicole lived) and sure enough, it was there.

 

When I asked him about the van he said that another coworker borrowed it and he was at that apt complex cause he is sleeping with another coworker who lives there. I then explained that my roomate walked outside when he was in my house talking and didn't see anyone in the van and he said that the kid was black and it was dark so she wouldn't have seen him. (omgggggggggggggggggggg, what a terrible excuse!!!)

 

So a bunch of my friends texted him or called him or whatever and were like you are making the biggest mistake of your life, how can you do this to her or whatever and he got mad about that saying tell your friends to leave me alone. (First of all, I didn't even ask them to contact him but what right does he have to get mad that people are calling him out fopr being such an @sshole?) So, I texted him Sat and he was denying it still and told me he didn't have time to talk about this. Blah blah and was being so weird/mean. Like not like himself at all. I texted him again and said I love you and he was like I love you too I just need some time. I talked to his mom and she said on Tuesday he was talking about buying me an engagement ring and now he doesn't want to be with me and has been having doubts? He hasn't been having doubts. We just celebrated our 1 year. He planned the whole day, took me on a hay ride, pumpkin picking and to dinner at a really nice Italian restuarant and was planning all the stuff he was going to buy me for Christmas, telling all my friends, etc.

 

So, I texted him Sunday and he was just like I need time to choose and I was like choose what and he's like not choose, decide and I just don't get what the f*ck happened. His mom said he was mopping around and was on the phone and she was listening in on the convo from the b/room standing in the tub (haha) and he said he was devastated but he doesn't see how I'll ever trust him. But he won't talk to her and he deleted all his status updates and all my posts from his page. I deleted him from my friends and all our pictures but still, I did it cause I didn't want to look at him anymore. I just don't know what happened.

 

I did't text him yesterday, as hard as it was. I just can't believe I am back here again. A month ago, I was posting how I was so happy and blah blah about being a success story and now my heart is broken, again. I know I need to go NC but with my ex we were together for 7 years and the relationship had gone sour, with tis new guy things were better than ever, and i am not just saying that through my rose colored glasses. We were so in love!

 

I don't think I can do this again. All I want is for him to come back but he's caused so much damage. I don't think it will ever be the same. We have been so happy! WTF?

 

I just can't understand why this keeps happeneing to me.

 

HELP!

[Don Ho]

Sounds like you make bad choices in men. Why? Part of the addiction issues in your family. You should get to the bottom of it and work on it. Sounds like this guy is a total cheater and liar. I don't know why on earth you would want him back, he will only continue to cheat on you and hurt you more. Best to chalk it up to experience and move on. Find a guy that doesn't know about your family and your own history AFTER you work on your issues. Good luck!

[chocolate_boy]

So sorry you're going through this. I know it's not much consolation, but better to find out he's like this now rather than 10 years into a marriage.

 

You need to stay away from this guy now. I know what you mean though, I always end up back here every few years, gone through 5 breakups since I joined in 2003. Sad fact is, most relationships don't last, maybe we need to accept that 99% of our romantic relationships are just temporary and not get so attached, after all ideally you'll only meet one person you marry (and even then over 50% end in divorce).

[Confused9]

This s*cks!

 

Were you cheated on by all? I just don't think I can ever trust again...

[LovelyDaze]

 

You need to stay away from this guy now. I know what you mean though, I always end up back here every few years, gone through 5 breakups since I joined in 2003. Sad fact is, most relationships don't last, maybe we need to accept that 99% of our romantic relationships are just temporary and not get so attached, after all ideally you'll only meet one person you marry (and even then over 50% end in divorce).

 

Not only do half of all marriages end in divorce but a great majority of the OTHER half involve infidelity, disconnect, and sexless marriages. The lucky ones hit lotto and are happy, committed, and faithful until their old ages. That is sadly rare.

 

Relationships are hard work and as you, chocolate boy, me and MANY,MANY others know...you keep going in and out of relationships most of your adult life.

There are many "loves of your life" not just as one as society likes to make you believe. You find many people who fit your life at the right time and being that we all grow and change, the same person you're with now sometimes won't fit into who you have become.

 

Every one of my exes were "THE ONE" to me. I was devastated and surely thought I wanted to die over the breakup.....until I met the next one.

 

Happy to say that you WILL heal from this latest breakup. You know that because you have been here before. But sad to say that you will meet another man that you will love and that has the possibility of ending horribly too. We ALL may go through this dozens of times. And some of us may meet the one we will marry and spend a happy lifetime with. We never know and that's the hardest part.

 

Just make sure you go NC and heal yourself before moving on. Take time to discover what it is you want to learn from this past heartache and what type of man you would like to meet. Just make sure he is not exactly like the last one.

[chocolate_boy]

This s*cks!

 

Were you cheated on by all? I just don't think I can ever trust again...

 

I was, only once, but it was my last "serious" relationship, we split in late 2007, lived together, but she did cheat on me. I stayed single until this year, but I think it did affect me as I ended up pushing away the girl I was seeing over summer as I acted insecure and needy, which is not like me. I think maybe the cheated has affected me, still at least it made me recognise that and try and avoid it in my next relationship, not sure when that will be.

 

To be honest, I think I prefer my life being single, heart-break is such a b*tch, the end of my recent short term relationship really really depressed me for months after, it wasn't even worth it looking back, I was really quite happy and content before. Now that I'm feeling more myself again, I think I'm just going to stay on my own, at least for the foreseeable future.

[chocolate_boy]

Not only do half of all marriages end in divorce but a great majority of the OTHER half involve infidelity, disconnect, and sexless marriages. The lucky ones hit lotto and are happy, committed, and faithful until their old ages. That is sadly rare.

 

Relationships are hard work and as you, chocolate boy, me and MANY,MANY others know...you keep going in and out of relationships most of your adult life.

There are many "loves of your life" not just as one as society likes to make you believe. You find many people who fit your life at the right time and being that we all grow and change, the same person you're with now sometimes won't fit into who you have become.

 

Every one of my exes were "THE ONE" to me. I was devastated and surely thought I wanted to die over the breakup.....until I met the next one.

 

Happy to say that you WILL heal from this latest breakup. You know that because you have been here before. But sad to say that you will meet another man that you will love and that has the possibility of ending horribly too. We ALL may go through this dozens of times. And some of us may meet the one we will marry and spend a happy lifetime with. We never know and that's the hardest part.

 

Just make sure you go NC and heal yourself before moving on. Take time to discover what it is you want to learn from this past heartache and what type of man you would like to meet. Just make sure he is not exactly like the last one.

 

Yeah, that's one thing people often forget when handing out relationship advice, so many times I've been told "you need to move on, but trust me you'll get over this and meet someone better!", they don't mention the fact that this "someone better" will also end up being another person I need to get over 1-2 years down the line.

 

I'm kinda getting a bit sick of kissing frogs, I've had some great times in relationships, but I handle breakups terribly, especially as most of my exes have just been able to say "ah well, nice while it lasted, see ya!" and jump into the arms of someone new a few weeks/months down the line, while I'm alone sitting on a spike in my room for months heh.

 

I was actually having this conversation with my mom over the weekend, she said our generation makes her sad because we see relationships as disposable, her and my dad have been married 35 years and still very happy, she asked if I thought I'd ever get married, I said I really didn't know... I was engaged to my fiance until the breakup that brought me here in 2003, even if I did get married, what are the chances of it lasting?

 

A close friend of mine got married when he was 21, lasted 3 years, they split, he got a new wife two years later, that also lasted 3 years, they split last year.

 

I guess you dust yourself off and move on, and I think sadly my lesson is that I need to not get so attached, and realise that if I have a girlfriend, I need to appreciate it for now, but also not expect her to be there in the future necessarily.

 

It does make me sad though, knowing that this fantastic person you're falling in love with will likely be a stranger again in the future or worse, someone you hate, I sometimes think I'm out of step with a lot of society who seem to just go about their life and not get too bothered about it.

[LovelyDaze]

It does make me sad though, knowing that this fantastic person you're falling in love with will likely be a stranger again in the future or worse, someone you hate, I sometimes think I'm out of step with a lot of society who seem to just go about their life and not get too bothered about it.

 

 

That's what we all should do to a certain extent. We should love with the best that we got but definitely do so with caution.

 

And of course we should never look at couples who pass by us holding hands, kissing, whispering in each others' ears, as people to be envied. No one knows what is behind closed doors.

 

*That guy you see smooching his girl at the movies, could be legally married to a woman who is trying in vain to get him to answer his turned-off phone.

*That girl who is hanging on lovingly to her guy's arm, will dump him cold and harshly by Sunday morning.

*That married couple proudly telling the bank clerk of their happy 10 year marriage? Will happen upon a text saying "I can't wait to **** your brains out again!"....sent by a co-worker.

 

Life is sad that way. I don't see relationships in the same way as I used to. I don't envy my co-workers and friends any longer. Since my big breakup in October of 2009...6 out of 10 of my friends/co-workers ALSO went through the end of their marriages and relationships. And yes, some are already in new ones. I've even dated this year and was really falling for one guy this summer that didn't work out.

 

We need to enjoy our "Me" time. You can't be happy with someone else if you can't be happy on your own. If we constantly feel we have to be in a relationship to be happy, then we are in for a world of constant hurt.

[chocolate_boy]

 

We need to enjoy our "Me" time. You can't be happy with someone else if you can't be happy on your own. If we constantly feel we have to be in a relationship to be happy, then we are in for a world of constant hurt.

 

Definitely, the annoying thing is though, just when I seem to be happy, some cute girl comes into my life, starts being friendly and flirting and before I know it, I'm back in a relationship for a while before being thrown back into the depths of breakup-hell 1-2 years down the line

 

Maybe I need the strength to say no or avoid it, but then I feel I'd be missing out.

 

But yeah, never assume because you see happy couples they really are, the last girl I was with, one day we're in the cinema, cuddling up and holding hands, a week later she dumped me, it's the way it goes, the same girl that told me a few months before she'd never dumped anyone because she believes in "working out your problems, not giving up"... also don't believe everything people tell you, how they act seems to be very much "in the moment".

[TLCbear]

And of course we should never look at couples who pass by us holding hands, kissing, whispering in each others' ears, as people to be envied. No one knows what is behind closed doors.

 

I agree.

 

 

We need to enjoy our "Me" time. You can't be happy with someone else if you can't be happy on your own. If we constantly feel we have to be in a relationship to be happy, then we are in for a world of constant hurt.

 

I agree for the most part. You know, I have heard that saying so many times, but what I see and starting to realize is it doesn't matter how happy a person is with their life (or how much self love they have) on their own, we as humans are still going to need or crave some type of companionship from the opposite of sex.

[Confused9]

I just feel like I am always the one that is left. LIke when the feck is it my turn to be the one that is 'the one'? @!#!@#!$

[Eternity001]

You sound like me, chocolate boy. I don't really handle break ups too well. Takes me awhile to get over it but being single is ok for awhile till you meet the next person then you're back involved again.

 

I too tend to feel like I'm missing out and one nighters don't really do it for me.

 

When the relationships are working they're great, when they end, it's **** but it's seemingly the cycle of life.

 

@ the topic starter, I would stay away from this guy, he sounds extremely dodgy. I'm not sure what your relationship is with his mother but I know if my mother was in a similar situation, she'd lie for me in a second.

[TLCbear]

also don't believe everything people tell you, how they act seems to be very much "in the moment".

 

I totally agree. After 3 relationships, this is exactly where I'm at. I no longer take words at face value...in my last relationship, I was pretty nonchalant, but now, I'm just pretty darn cynical and negative.

[shayan]

more importantly you have to realize that people owe you nothing, not even in relationships, not even in marriage they will be there as long as they want to and that's it. It's best to veiw them as teachers and appreciate them being there rather then expecting them to stay, that's how I view relationships and because of this I have enjoyed them all and not languished over the break ups. If you are positive open and respect yourself one day someone will come and stay.

[Confused9]

@ the topic starter, I would stay away from this guy, he sounds extremely dodgy. I'm not sure what your relationship is with his mother but I know if my mother was in a similar situation, she'd lie for me in a second.

 

I know, I can't take what she is saying to be true. It just sucks. I thought he loved me.

 

I just feel like these people take the chance of us being happy in another relationship away from us because as the OP said we become cynical. It's not fair. They get to be all happy with their affair partner or whatever and we are left practically dead.

[chocolate_boy]

I know, I can't take what she is saying to be true. It just sucks. I thought he loved me.

 

I just feel like these people take the chance of us being happy in another relationship away from us because as the OP said we become cynical. It's not fair. They get to be all happy with their affair partner or whatever and we are left practically dead.

 

Yeah I do read on here a lot that "the one who cares least has the power", but damn I don't want to be in relationships like that, that's horrible. What's wrong with just mutual respect and loving each other, it always feels like something is being kept from you, people just aren't honest enough about their feelings these days, you think they love you, but it turns out you liked them more etc.

 

But yeah, the girl who dumped me over summer is now happily with a new guy, I guess I was just a stepping stone, infact I think I was a rebound from her last relationship, but I didn't realise that until it was too late, but while I helped her get over her ex, she is now happy with a new guy, and I got stuck in the middle and got really hurt.

 

I guess life isn't fair, but I kinda feel I need to do something to protect myself from this to stop it happening over and over.

[LovelyDaze]

I just feel like I am always the one that is left. LIke when the feck is it my turn to be the one that is 'the one'? @!#!@#!$

We all feel the same way you do at times. Look at all the people around the world on dating sites and network TV dating shows. I'm sure they think, "What the f*** is wrong with me???" also. The answer is: nothing really.

 

Sure, there might be a few basket cases who need to fix themselves but most of us are just looking for a one great person.

 

 

Like chocolate boy mentioned, it IS annoying. You keep trying to be whole in yourself and that always seems to be when you meet another that later on, breaks your heart.

 

As well as TLC bear, we all crave a partner to share our love and time with.

 

And you know what guys? THAT is what makes us wonderful and special. We WANT to give love to another, our time and friendship. It's like a gift. What makes it seems so sad is that the person who left us puts that "gift" in the trash. It hurts like fiery hell.

 

We need to find that mix of safeguarding our heart and giving it a little at the same time. Love is a crap shoot. I just keep playing anyway...I just hope to get lucky someday.

[chocolate_boy]

more importantly you have to realize that people owe you nothing, not even in relationships, not even in marriage they will be there as long as they want to and that's it. It's best to veiw them as teachers and appreciate them being there rather then expecting them to stay, that's how I view relationships and because of this I have enjoyed them all and not languished over the break ups. If you are positive open and respect yourself one day someone will come and stay.

 

I think this is a good philosophy, and similar to what an ex girlfriend told me. We broke up in 2005 and she seemed to just move on, no probs, had a new guy in a few months, but it destroyed my life for like 6 months.

 

She told me after that she never expects relationships to last, especially at the ages we were (early 20s) and so doesn't dwell/get too hung up when they do finish, and if one day one of them does last then it's a bonus, not something she was banking on.

 

I've always been the opposite to that, but maybe I need to change my way of thinking.

[Eternity001]

I know, I can't take what she is saying to be true. It just sucks. I thought he loved me.

 

I just feel like these people take the chance of us being happy in another relationship away from us because as the OP said we become cynical. It's not fair. They get to be all happy with their affair partner or whatever and we are left practically dead.

 

 

The word love isn't as loaded as what you think these days, people tend to throw it around pretty readily, I know, I've done it myself.

 

People have vastly different idea's of the meaning also. Like I said i would take all your frustration and anger and use it for something positive for yourself. Concentrate on making yourself happy for awhile. If it takes a year or more then so be it.

[chocolate_boy]

 

People have vastly different idea's of the meaning also. Like I said i would take all your frustration and anger and use it for something positive for yourself. Concentrate on making yourself happy for awhile. If it takes a year or more then so be it.

 

Yeah, but then what, you're happy being single, and then you get into a new relationship, for it to happen all over again. How many times do some of us have to "learn to be happy being single" again? 'Cos I'm getting a bit tired of it.

[Eternity001]

Not sure, dude. I'm probably the worst person to ask

 

I tend to just take it casually these days for at least a few months. I find I can normally tell well and truly by then if it has a future or not.

 

With my recent partner we found that within that timeframe we wouldn't work for an extended period of time so it was kind of a mutual understanding and realisation.

 

I realise not every situation works out like that and people quite easily fall in love within weeks but for me personally, I know pretty quick if something is going to work or not.

[Confused9]

HE was planning on proposing. Just did all this shat for our anniversary. I just don't get it. How can you pretend that much?

[Coolsbreeze]

My breakup was pretty rough for me because my ex told me that she loved me dearly and would stay with me forever, but as soon as another guy comes along who lives closer to her and in her mind is better then me, she dumps me. And a week later starts a serious relationship with this new guy. Now she's all happy and content in her new life while i was left sitting around watching tv and spending lonely nights by myself. This was my first serious relationship and I would've definitely married her one day. But after going through this hard emotional turmoil it just destroyed my self confidence. And made me think I was worthless in my life. I just don't think I can personally go through anything so heartbreaking ever again. It hurts too much to give your heart to someone who never even treasured it. That's why its best for me right now to step away from relationships until i find someone who actually wants to be with me long term.

[valpre]

I'm really sorry that you're going through this again Confused - I know it doesn't seem fair. We've just got to dust ourselves off and pick ourselves up once again, and keep on going.

 

With every down, there is a up on it's way. And with every failed relationship there is something that we can learn as we move on to the next.

 

I think you'll realise that you've dodged a bullet with this one and it's preparing you for something bigger and better in the future.

[Confused9]

I just find it amazing that I could have been duped again. This kid seemed to love me and I am just so confused by his heartlessness now. Like, he just acts as if I was never in his life and he's just fine. He won't talk to anyone about anything and we haven't spoken since Sunday and I really thought he would reach out and he hasn't.

 

I see him acting all fine and shat on FB and it kills me. Course I am doing the same thing. Posting stuff on mutual friends walls to try and prove my point that I am okay without him. But, I'm not okay. I feel used and abandoned and tricked.

 

I just don't understand people. Now the holidays are coming up and it's going to s*ck. Ugh!