I'm a little more messed up than I thought - ideas to fix this?

[lenny]

Hi all,

 

I will try to keep this as short and to the point as possible. I was with my ex (the father of my children) since I was 17 years old up to about 5 years ago. He was emotionally (and occasionally physically) abusive to me. The last few years of our relationship was pretty on again, off again. Towards the end, I noticed myself becoming numb and it's really hard to get me worked up over things anymore.

 

Since we've broken up, as well as a couple times when we were off, I dated other men but was not able to stay with any of them past a month or two before they really started to annoy me and I always ended up a bit of an ice queen with them. I decided I was just not really able to give myself over to a relationship so chose to stay single and was very happy (comfortable) doing that.

 

In walks a man into my life totally unexpectedly - wasn't looking for it, didn't want it. I have been with him for a few months now and he's absolutely amazing! I thought I was pretty level headed, self-confident, and with a good self esteem ... basically at a good place mentally and emotionally; but I'm learning that I'm not nearly there when it comes to this guy.

 

I have a lot of fears and insecurities I need to try and work through here before these fears start to affect the relationship. I am scared this isn't for real and isn't going to last. I am scared to let myself get emotionally attached to this man.

 

Does anyone have any tips or ideas on how I can do this? I do a lot of self-developement and strive to be the best I can be and was shocked to find out just how deficient I was in this area.

 

I am in most facets of my life this cool, confident chick

[ReggieAlex]

Deep down you feel a bit intimidated. He is probably more educated, or more accomplished, or seem more together. You are subconsciously putting yourself under pressure to measure up. That is natural.

 

But here is the question you need to ask? "If I measure up, get more qualified, speak better, dress better, earn more..whatever; will I be doing it for him or for me?

 

If you do all of this for him, he could leave and you'll be devastated.

If you do this for you, you'll be better, and if he leaves, it won't "kill" you.

 

Talk to a good friend with some experience, and see if this is spot on or I'm just spinning my wheels. In any case, it never hurts to be "real". What is important is to become a better you all the time; a more sincere you, a caring you, an ambitious you.

 

Enjoy your relationship, but have confidence that if it does not last, you will still be happy with "YOU", because you made a commitment to grow, and become better.

 

My best to you,

ReggieAlex

[Angel1111]

I think you have a deep-seated belief that if you love someone, it means losing yourself. You need to learn how to love someone, while maintaining your own identity. This is very important for you to do because otherwise you'll sabotage your relationships. Your identity and personal space are very important to you, understandably - to the point that you'll rebel if someone tries to take those things from you. The problem is, you haven't experienced a healthy relationship and have forgotten - or have never known - what it's like to be with someone who doesn't try to take your soul.

[lenny]

I am very accomplished in my career, social life, home life, financial life and community life. I feel I am reasonably attractive (not as physically fit as I'd like to be but I'm working on that). I really like "me". This guy is a healthy "me" as well, and we really do make a wonderful "us".

 

I just seem terrified of losing him which is very unlike me. Really, I try to tell myself if it doesn't work out I've already gained so much out of this relationship. This terror is stopping me from enjoying it as much as I should.

[Truthseeker-John]

Hi Lenny,

I'm not a psychiatrist, I just go by my own experiences and 'common' sense. I got hurt very badly by a woman and she left me shortly me after my mom and dad died and I couldn't even look at women after that but eventually it got better and I would love to love a woman now! The point being is that we change, so please don't give up hope.

 

... I have been with him for a few months now and he's absolutely amazing!

I suspect that he knows there's something wrong - yet he's still with you. You could try talking to him about it and that will show you how amazing he is.

 

I have a lot of fears and insecurities I need to try and work through here before these fears start to affect the relationship. I am scared this isn't for real and isn't going to last. I am scared to let myself get emotionally attached to this man.

True... but you have to let go and trust (otherwise it won't work out). That's easier said than done but with love from your amazing man, I think that in time it will get better for you. Edited November 11, 2010 by Truthseeker-John

[Truthseeker-John]

I think you have a deep-seated belief that if you love someone, it means losing yourself. You need to learn how to love someone, while maintaining your own identity. This is very important for you to do because otherwise you'll sabotage your relationships. Your identity and personal space are very important to you, understandably - to the point that you'll rebel if someone tries to take those things from you. The problem is, you haven't experienced a healthy relationship and have forgotten - or have never known - what it's like to be with someone who doesn't try to take your soul.

Angel, you are an angel - a true and wise messenger, including for me. Edited November 11, 2010 by Truthseeker-John