Trying to Understand......

[bassplayertn]

Hi there: Here is a quick look at my situation. About 9 months ago my wife and I moved to a new state. Unfortunately, I still have to travel a lot for my work and living in the new place added some understandable stress. In an effort to work through that I began reading books about "Love Languages" and so on. I did everything in those books, from notes to massages to building a house...... everything. Well, about 2 months ago my wife asked for a divorce. She told me she was not happy and that I had been too negative during the process and it was too late to try and win her back. She said also that all of the things I had been doing for her over the last 6 months showed her that I did love her, however she didn't love me as much and her non-desire to give those things back to me just confirmed that I deserved someone better.

 

Obviously, this hit me like a ton of bricks and caught me way off guard. I immediately flew home and we went to a counselor. Even the counselor said there was no hope because she was just quitting for no reason it seemed. So over the last 2 months I have tried everything from fighting for her to stay to creating peace so she can have "space" to "just do her thing." But nothing has worked and nothing has made sense.

 

I felt like I was dealing with the emotions pretty well. I have some great friends that have been there for me through this. I went home this week to go over dissolution papers (we can't really afford lawyers) and I had mentally prepared myself for one more go at trying to save our marriage. We had agreed that we were amazing friends and worked through some things with that.

 

But the day before I was to head back I got a call from a friend of hers telling me not to sign the papers and informing me that she was seeing someone. That she had been seeing them for several months and he had been sleeping in my bed in my house with my wife while I was away. I can't tell you how emotionally insane I felt. I chose not to tell her I knew and just asked a few questions to her that I knew she would lie to (just to confirm).

 

Anyway, I went home as planned but I told her that i knew she had been lying and manipulating me for months and that she needed to tell the truth. She did. She told me about him and their affair and even tried to defend him once or twice throughout the conversation. I was level headed, sad and teary, but level headed. Anyway, so now I told her I would not sign any papers and so on.......

 

I then offered to pay for her to see a counselor and get help. I went over that I want to save our marriage. That she is a good person who just made a mistake that most people make. I believe in her and love her more than I love my hands. I offered to work through everything. I told her there would be 3 stipulations: we had to move back, she had to quit her job and not see him again, and we had to go to counseling. Well, she didn't like that too much as she is emotionally wrapped up in this guy.

 

She told me she had to go to work, then left. After 16 hours I figured she wasnt coming back but I was worried and called her work just to make sure she showed up safe. They informed me she wasn't scheduled. Another lie. She finally came home and I confronted her, she had gone to him and stayed at his place. I, at this point, became angrier than I have ever been. I screamed and yelled and hit the counter and told her to get out several times. And after that was done, I came back and said, I still want to work this out.

 

She obviously doesn't think we can fix anything and that she is a horrible person and that nothing will ever be the same (which why would you want it the same?) so she is pushing for the divorce.

 

She has offered me to have anything I want and to sell the house and so on.

 

I am having some crazy emotions. Trying to deal with the fact that another man is sleeping with my wife. That she was sleeping with both of us at one point. That she could be such an insane liar. That her family knows and is pushing her to divorce. That her friends know and want her to save our marriage. That she is being lazy and selfish and a quitter. That she wasn't good enough to just say NO. That all my hopes and dreams are in her and are therefore gone. That we spent the last 5 years setting her up so we could start having children this year. Instead she is leaving me for another man....... I bust my back working to give her everything. I offered to come of the road for good and do whatever necessary. I honestly can not offer anymore, because I have nothing more to offer.

 

She is not in a good place and not making good decisions and won't as long as she is wrapped up in this with that guy....... I am obviously not in a god place and really am hoping that someone has gone through this before and can guide me to acceptance and healing. The thought that I mean that little to her is killing me. The idea of another man with my wife is infuriating me and depressing me all in the same emotion.....

 

Any advice is welcome.......

 

God Bless

[nikayla]

Oh my gosh, bassplayertn, I am so sorry for the emotional distraught that you been through. I am certain that even with wonderful friends and a counselor, this must be one of the saddest moments of your life. I feel for you.

 

She said also that all of the things I had been doing for her over the last 6 months showed her that I did love her, however she didn't love me as much and her non-desire to give those things back to me just confirmed that I deserved someone better.

 

This^ struck me as the takeaway message. Maya Angelou once said, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them". She does not want you anymore. When a woman says it's over, it's over. However, I admire the commitment and effort you put into this relationship.

 

Anyway, so now I told her I would not sign any papers and so on.......

 

Why wouldn't you sign the dissolution papers? Most men would be joyful to get a manipulative, deceptive woman out of their life. You need to stop and think about your well-being; the longer she is in your life, the harder it will to heal.

 

I offered to work through everything. I told her there would be 3 stipulations: we had to move back, she had to quit her job and not see him again, and we had to go to counseling. Well, she didn't like that too much as she is emotionally wrapped up in this guy.

 

Frankly, offering a cheating spouse ultimatums will not work when they are still into their lovers. I believe it is time you let her go remove yourself from this awful situation.

 

I still want to work this out...all my hopes and dreams are in her and are therefore gone. That we spent the last 5 years setting her up so we could start having children this year. Instead she is leaving me for another man.......I bust my back working to give her everything. I offered to come of the road for good and do whatever necessary. I honestly can not offer anymore, because I have nothing more to offer.

 

I HOPE YOU READ THIS:

 

My brother was a in a similar situation, and found out that his wife of 8 years had been cheating on him. Like you, he is very hardworking, family-oriented, and loyal. Eventually, she stopped cheating with the one man...and went to another. My brother chose to stick around because, by then, they had children. A few months later, he received a court statement requesting child support because my sister-in-law felt that he wasn't doing a satisfactory job as a father...even though he pays for mortgage, clothing, and food. The court order was later overturned. Now, my sister-in-law and brother are separated. Her new boyfriend feels that my brother is a threat to their children's well-being, so my brother can only see his sons through supervised visitations. He is working with two lawyers to enact the divorce and modify an ugly custody battle.

 

I know this is difficult to take in, but your wife, I believe, is unhappy and unlucky. She did not even respect you enough to discuss how she felt in the relationship--let alone bring someone into your bedroom?! I almost fell victim to a manipulator. Since I left him, I have matriculated to a prestigious university and then landed a competitive government job. It was hard to get over him, but I now have a PARTNER who works with me, rather than against me. I am unsure why your friends are encouraging you to save this marriage. You are a childless professional who has a lot to offer. I recommend going on a few dates (possible through online), just to get a taste of how drama-free life can really be like while regaining your confidence.

 

I am not sure if I am offering the best advice, but I do not believe this marriage can be saved.

[You Go Girl]

What an awful story, I am so sorry.

Read up on the 180 here on LS. You need to implement it immediately. You have already done everything, it sounds like, to get through to her. She is not interested because she is in the affair fog.

 

So it is time to go as much no contact as possible, give her nothing, never plead or ask for anything again.

The ball is completely in her court as to whether things improve. You do nothing to make them improve, from here on out.

If she comes to her senses, then you move slowly and carefully in that direction, with tough love and MC, and IC counseling.

IC for yourself immediately if you can afford it. You need to detach from her emotionally, take care of yourself, and then decide if you even want her back, ever, even if she comes begging.

The point isn't to punish her. It is to save yourself, and have the option to go about repairing this sanely and with half the decision making process with you, and to stop that she has had all the control. Not that you are a control freak, but that you have relinquished all control up to this point.

This is not about winning some battle of wills, or one-upping each other. This is to bring sanity back to your life.

Start the 180 immediately.

[bassplayertn]

Thank you both for your insight. As far as signing dissolution papers and so on, I do believe I will. I am just struggling with the idea of saying I am okay with this divorce. I am upset that the laws are set in such a way that, if I were to file a divorce, she would still get half of everything because it is a no-fault state. I think it is in my benefit to sign those papers of dissolution. I just haven't gotten to that acceptance point. In fact, this thread is the first time I have reached outside of my circle for information an so on. and I really don't want to lose her. That being said, I am not going to sit around and do this any longer. Just need to get on the right path. I am annoyed that i feel insecure and unworthy. That is not who I am. But right now, I feel that way.

 

I am interested in this 180 thing. Where do I read up on that. I couldn't find a link for it.... please share........

[lisakoen]

bassplayertn, i can almost relate to your story. Why almost? because i've also had a major disapointment with my husband. We had our 2yr anniversary on 4 Oct, it was no celebration. We have a 15mnth old daughter, she's amazing! We have almost everything desired, and he goes and messes everything up. We are now seperated for about 1 and half months and it's been tough. We live under the same roof but in different rooms. He treats me like he caught me in bed with another woman and tells me often to move on with my life. I've been evrything to him I can be, been a great wife and mother, but yet i wasn't enough he had to look elsewhere. It's tough but i do realise i have to move on with my life. Stop trying to make sense of things to move on, just accept that you are much more worth than she portrays and you deserve better than her. Sighn the papers and move on with your life, God has bigger and greater things instore for you. Forgive her and move on, it's going to be painful now, but its also going to be worth it in the end... Hope that helps abit.

[tank]

well bassplayertn, my thoughts are with you. I have been through this as have many other on here. You need to focus on yourself. Protect yourself legally. That is the most important thing. If you are travelling alot for work, you need to know that your interests at home are being taken care of. Get your own bank account and severe all financial ties with your wife.

 

I know you want to save your marriage, but you cant decide that. That ball is in her court, and believe me, she wont play fair. She is in an affair and in love with another man. That hurts, my wife and i have 20 years history and 4 children, i have some understanding of what your going through.

 

The key is protecting yourself. You cannot beg or plead her to do anything. If you are paying for her financially, then stop. You know about the affair, so dont do anymore digging on it. You will want to, but it will just hurt you more.

 

You will have to see a lawyer about what you can do about the house. This is a must, its your home too. You need to focus only on the financial situation right now. Forget about saving your marriage right now. Protect yourself.

 

Take care and post here often, everytime you want to say something to her, say it on here. Dont call her or talk to her about anything. Just please listen to others on here. there advise is good.

[bassplayertn]

Does anyone have a link to the 180 information?