Hi.P.O'Crit Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 What's sad is that her father didn't care enough to say something to her about it...or that she didn't care enough to change her ways. I find that MUCH more worthy of the eye-rolling than him being told in the first place. As I said - None of this made one ounce of difference. Which is why I don't stick my nose in others business. To be fair, we don't know that. All we know is that her dad didn't confront her at the bar.
Holding-On Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Define "extreme overreaction" by someone who's discovered that the person that they loved and trusted the most in the world has betrayed and cheated on them? What's "acceptable reaction" vs "extreme overreaction" in this case? Granted, there's a SLIGHT (we've rarely seen posts about it here on LS directly from someone who's done it or been through it) where the BS might physically retaliate against the OW/OM or MM/MW. But that's pretty darned rare when you get down to it. So barring that...what other reaction could be so severe that you would feel it would warrant NOT letting that person know the truth of the situation? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251488/ to begin with. It has been mentioned multiple times on this forum that manslaughter is often seen as an acceptable charge by law because people react so strongly with jealousy. There is even a thread whether a person who gives in to - in my opinion - the natural temptation to have sex/sexually emotional contact with other people is therefore immediately an unfit parent! Many people seem to hold on to their anger for years and years and years. Wallow in it to be truthful. I think I'd just counsel the cheater to get a divorce. Truthfully, having seen the vitriol - well whether it is "justified" or not is not the issue, nowadays I'd leave well enough alone.
Author confusedinkansas Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 . By remaining her friend through this, you're tacitly agreeing with and supporting her actions. You're telling her that they're "not that bad". If I UNFRIENDED every person I know & consider to be a friend because of an action that I disapproved of - Holy Cow - I'd have NO friends.....LOL People DO, what People DO. We make mistakes. Every Single One Of Us.........No one is without flaw or has Never made a mistake in their life. Many people seem to hold on to their anger for years and years and years. Wallow in it to be truthful I've seen this here & other places as well. It amazes me that folks hold onto stuff for such a long time. Why let it EAT & EAT at you. Consider the alternative.....A Happy Healthy Life.:) The friend that did the calling to the wife.....Not really sure if she is actually a FRIEND of his wife. She KNOWS the wife. She has probably met her on OCCASION. So, I personally think it was for shock value, drama, to be vindictive. I think she believed that it would put a stop to the behavior. Apparently that wasn't the case.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 If I UNFRIENDED every person I know & consider to be a friend because of an action that I disapproved of - Holy Cow - I'd have NO friends.....LOL People DO, what People DO. We make mistakes. Every Single One Of Us.........No one is without flaw or has Never made a mistake in their life. oh not this bunk again. everyone makes mistakes. f#####g around with someone married or cheating isn't a mistake. if the "mistakes" you are referring to are sleeping with someone elses spouse or cheating, then yes, there are PLENTY of people without those flaws. its like you are trying to compare cheating and sleeping with others' spouses to leaving the toilet seat up or making a wrong turn down a one way street by accident.
FryFish Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 We make mistakes. Every Single One Of Us.Correction: We make DECISIONS. Every single one of us... Some of us just dont think about how our DECISIONS will affect those around us.
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 This happened one evening while this "tattle tail" was actually sitting at the bar with our friend & one of the married guys - so she got to see the whole "Scene" happen first hand. That so called friend isn't a friend and doesn't have anybody's best interest at heart. She's a gossip, loves to create and be involved in drama. She gets off on it. She's messing in people's business, seems like she has nothing going on in her own life. Pathetic if you ask me.
FryFish Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Or maybe she has been cheated on and hates cheaters?
TheMENemy Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Or maybe she has been cheated on and hates cheaters? No it just sounds like she's been ridden by more clowns than a unicycle.
alexandria35 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 The more I think of it, the less I even see this as an example of a reason not to tell. This was just an example where nothing changed as a result. But really, there was no net NEGATIVE impact to the revelation. She already knew, everyone else already saw what was going on...so telling didn't hurt anyone...since everyone already knew anyway. That's a key difference from the vast majority of situations here where people are suggesting that the BS be told. Because it's pretty obvious that they don't know...or at least pretty likely that they don't know. Your example just shows a situation where the wife was already aware she was with a serial cheater. How different could the outcome have been had she actually not known that? I agree. I can't see the point of this story or how it serves as a warning against telling. I was expecting some huge fallout like somebody got killed or something. All that happened in this story is pretty much nothing...
lkjh Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Im not sure what you think you proved. All I really got from your story is that you are the type of person that would rather sit back and watch your "friend" self-destruct and take down as many others as she can Telling didn't cause anything negative here in the story. OP I got a question, are you a cheater or do you mess around with MM?
JustJoe Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 CIK, I would adopt a non-committal attitude. If it's not in my immediate family, or VERY close friends, I wouldn't go out of my way to tell, but I wouldn't go out of my way to keep somebody else's dirty liittle secret, either.
debby Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 (edited) I used to think that telling was the right thing to do if you cared about the person being cheated on. Twice I let a friend know what was happening and both times they got mad at ME. One friend's husband kept propositioning me and I finally got my then-husband to tell him to back off since he wasn't listening to me (they served in the military together). When he STILL didn't back off, my then-husband went to his command to get the matter handled (still trying to keep it from getting back to the wife...my friend). THAT even didn't work. So, I finally told her what he was trying to do...and she FREAKED out on ME. She blamed me somehow and refused to ever speak to me again and told all her kids (who were friends with my kids) that I was an "evil person trying to destroy their family". The next time, I let my friend who lived across the street know about all the overnight company that was coming over when they were away (again, military situation). Lots and lots of partners staying overnight with the small children in the home, too. And yes, they were sleeping together since they would be out sucking by the vehicles in the drive way when the visitors would leave. Well, they promptly told me it was none of my business. So now, I wouldn't tell someone about cheating or an affair unless the betrayed person were a member of my family . Edited November 3, 2010 by debby
Author confusedinkansas Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Im not sure what you think you proved. All I really got from your story is that you are the type of person that would rather sit back and watch your "friend" self-destruct and take down as many others as she can Telling didn't cause anything negative here in the story. OP I got a question, are you a cheater or do you mess around with MM? I'm not or wasn't trying to "Prove" anything. It's just merely a story that happened in my circle of friends & proves my point that I don't agree with butting into others business. Affairs or not. It's not my business. It's like Just Joe said - I have a non-committal attitude towards it. There's no reason for me to tell anyone. I personally don't know any of these wives so it's not my business. And, if I did I still wouldn't go out of my way to make sure she was aware of what was going on. Whether I've had an affair or not has nothing to do with this story lkjh. If I hadn't I'd still have the same opinion. Makes no difference. I had this mindset prior to that - I'm not a buttinsky! Sorry to disappoint you rubberneckers that were hoping for a gory ending. There isn't one.
Owl Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 If I UNFRIENDED every person I know & consider to be a friend because of an action that I disapproved of - Holy Cow - I'd have NO friends.....LOL People DO, what People DO. We make mistakes. Every Single One Of Us.........No one is without flaw or has Never made a mistake in their life. As someone else said...there are mistakes, and then there are decisions. I support friends who make mistakes. I'll help friends who struggle with moral decisions...but will not remain with friends that cannot make decent moral choices. Being a friend means HELPING the other person...supporting them in destructive behaviors like infidelity/etc...isn't helping. It doesn't help them, but it often CAN lead to influencing your own decision making processes. You know...that whole "running with a bad crowd" concept your parents probably tried to teach you not to do as a kid? I've seen this here & other places as well. It amazes me that folks hold onto stuff for such a long time. Why let it EAT & EAT at you. Consider the alternative.....A Happy Healthy Life.:) I completely agree. Nor do I struggle with pain in my life. On the contrary...I have a wonderful life! The friend that did the calling to the wife.....Not really sure if she is actually a FRIEND of his wife. She KNOWS the wife. She has probably met her on OCCASION. So, I personally think it was for shock value, drama, to be vindictive. I think she believed that it would put a stop to the behavior. Apparently that wasn't the case. So in other words, this friend apparently called the wife hoping it would put a stop to the behavior...but it didn't. I'll grant some surprise at the wife. But what does this say about the woman who was sleeping with her H? She continues with her behavior, even though now she's the 'center of the gossip circle'. Pretty sad. Both her and the H in this case sound like they've got some serious personal issues to deal with. The wife too, since she's chosen to bury her head in the sand. Whether or not the "little tattle tail" has issues or not isn't demonstrated in your story. Your choice of words to describe her and her behavior is interesting though. They say far more about you than they do about her. The situation described doesn't do anything to demonstrate why someone shouldn't tell a spouse that they're husband is cheating. It shows one circumstance where it didn't make a difference because the betrayed wife already knew and had made her choice to accept that already. I understand that you believe that this is a common occurrence. What's interesting is that long time experience on this board shows that in the vast majority of stories we see posted here this isn't typically the case...but you continue to insist that it is. I'm curious...what do you believe would have been a "good" ending to the situation you described? How do you think it should have worked out for the best for everyone?
Owl Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 I'm not or wasn't trying to "Prove" anything. It's just merely a story that happened in my circle of friends & proves my point that I don't agree with butting into others business. Affairs or not. It's not my business. It's like Just Joe said - I have a non-committal attitude towards it. There's no reason for me to tell anyone. I personally don't know any of these wives so it's not my business. And, if I did I still wouldn't go out of my way to make sure she was aware of what was going on. Whether I've had an affair or not has nothing to do with this story lkjh. If I hadn't I'd still have the same opinion. Makes no difference. I had this mindset prior to that - I'm not a buttinsky! Sorry to disappoint you rubberneckers that were hoping for a gory ending. There isn't one. Perhaps the pre-existance of this mindset could have been a contributing factor in your personality that helped lead to the choice to have an affair? People NEVER do things "for no reasons"...just for reasons that they've never taken the time to understand.
TheMENemy Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Perhaps the pre-existance of this mindset could have been a contributing factor in your personality that helped lead to the choice to have an affair? People NEVER do things "for no reasons"...just for reasons that they've never taken the time to understand. Sometimes they try to understand, but are confused.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Correction: We make DECISIONS. Every single one of us... Some of us just dont think about how our DECISIONS will affect those around us. I think they know, they just don't care.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 That so called friend isn't a friend and doesn't have anybody's best interest at heart. She's a gossip, loves to create and be involved in drama. She gets off on it. She's messing in people's business, seems like she has nothing going on in her own life. Pathetic if you ask me. kind of like the patheticness of messing in other people's business by messing around with someone elses spouse eh? I'll buy that one.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Whether I've had an affair or not has nothing to do with this story yes.......it does. Sorry to disappoint you rubberneckers that were hoping for a gory ending. There isn't one. nobody here cares if there was or not. we all know that it isn't about staying out of someone's business with you, its about someone cut from the same mold not wanting to see others cut from the same mold being ratted out.
Author confusedinkansas Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 yes.......it does. Oh Dex I was wondering when you would come up with something critical to say. No my infidelity has nothing to do with this post. Just because I had an affair does not mean that I don't or can't have opinions about other things in life. Sorry to disappoint you. Anyway - Someone asked what I had hoped would come of the other friend telling one of the wives....... Well I'd have liked it to end where my friend figured out that she was playing with fire - alot of fire. Since there was more than one guy involved. Since many have tried to talk to her - maybe she'll think a little bit & back out of the multiple married guys lives.
Owl Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Oh Dex I was wondering when you would come up with something critical to say. No my infidelity has nothing to do with this post. Just because I had an affair does not mean that I don't or can't have opinions about other things in life. Sorry to disappoint you. Anyway - Someone asked what I had hoped would come of the other friend telling one of the wives....... Well I'd have liked it to end where my friend figured out that she was playing with fire - alot of fire. Since there was more than one guy involved. Since many have tried to talk to her - maybe she'll think a little bit & back out of the multiple married guys lives. Hmmm...but why should they even bother to talk to her about that? It's "none of their business", right?
Author confusedinkansas Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Hmmm...but why should they even bother to talk to her about that? It's "none of their business", right? Twisting what I've said does no good in these forums. She has 2 friends that I know of that have tried to talk to her. All I've talked with her about (once) is her going to the doctor for the "Physical" aspects of what's happened to her. (lack of sleep etc.) Hmmmm.....obviously not everyone agrees with me in this forum. So, I'm guessing she has friends that wouldn't agree with me either. Wow...it's so wonderful that we aren't all alike and that we can each have our own opinion on different topics. I didn't expect everyone to agree with me. That's the beauty of a discussion forum
Owl Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Twisting what I've said does no good in these forums. Who's twisting? Either you're "getting involved" or your not. It's either "your business", or it's not. It's not much more of a leap than your comparing this story to the "insistence" of most of us here that a spouse who has cheated should tell their spouse. She has 2 friends that I know of that have tried to talk to her. All I've talked with her about (once) is her going to the doctor for the "Physical" aspects of what's happened to her. (lack of sleep etc.) Hopefully you suggested she get checked for STD's too. Just because they're married, it doesn't follow that they're clean. Clearly they're ok with promiscuous behavior too...and so the risk is there. Hmmmm.....obviously not everyone agrees with me in this forum. So, I'm guessing she has friends that wouldn't agree with me either. Wow...it's so wonderful that we aren't all alike and that we can each have our own opinion on different topics. I didn't expect everyone to agree with me. That's the beauty of a discussion forum Somehow I'm thinking that you're not overly shocked at the responses you got here. I can't imagine you posted with any expectations for anything less than what you've seen.
Author confusedinkansas Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Hmmm...but why should they even bother to talk to her about that? It's "none of their business", right? Who's twisting? Either you're "getting involved" or your not. It's either "your business", or it's not. THEY would be her other friends. I don't care what they do. If they want to get involved that's their business. Not mine. I have some friends that are nosey-bodies! They have to be in everyone's business, no matter what. No I'm not totally surprised by the responses at all. But it did generate some discussion. Didn't It?
Dexter Morgan Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Oh Dex I was wondering when you would come up with something critical to say. No my infidelity has nothing to do with this post. Just because I had an affair does not mean that I don't or can't have opinions about other things in life. Sorry to disappoint you. you didn't dissappoint. your thread here isn't an opinion on "other" things in life. it has to do with not ratting out cheaters, of which you are one and you like to protect those cut from the same mold. Anyway - Someone asked what I had hoped would come of the other friend telling one of the wives....... Well I'd have liked it to end where my friend figured out that she was playing with fire - alot of fire. Since there was more than one guy involved. Since many have tried to talk to her - maybe she'll think a little bit & back out of the multiple married guys lives.
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