Telling of an affair....A little story

[confusedinkansas]

There obviously has been quite a great deal of discussion here about ratting others out in an affair.

 

Here's a story

 

A friend of mine's common law husband of 14 years recently passed (he was 38 ) She has since gone off the deep end. Dating & sleeping with anyone who will. Which includes being involved with at least 3 married men & one that is currently separated.

Another friend in our little group took it upon herself to call one of the wives of one of the married guys. (OH, & she also called our friends dad to tell him what his daughter was up to......)

This happened one evening while this "tattle tail" was actually sitting at the bar with our friend & one of the married guys - so she got to see the whole "Scene" happen first hand.

Well, the wife shows up at the bar while husband is there with our friend. A scene happens. The wife & husband step outside & have an obviously heated discussion. The husband comes back in the bar & enjoys the rest of his evening with our friend. (& has since been seen in the bar with our friend multiple other times)

We hear later thru the grapevine (his wife telling another mutual friend) "Well I know what he's doing. He's done it before. He doesn't come home for days at a time"

 

This has become the main topic of "Entertainment Gossip" at a bar & grille that we frequent. I don't know if this particular wife has any plans to leave him or if she's just gonna wait this affair out. (BTW: Everyone in this Peyton Place either has NO children or the kids are all grown - we're an over 40's group)

 

Anyway.........My point is - This is why I don't stick my nose into business that does not pertain to me personally.

 

Is my friend Coo-Coo....Yes. She won't take help from anyone. We've all tried.

Are the married men in her little entourage - idiots? You betcha.

 

But it's not my business to go tell any of their wives what they are up to.

Whether I'm their friend or not.

 

BTW - All of the telling has NOT stopped any of the activity that goes on.

Made no difference. Just caused a little burp of excitement. Something more for people to gossip about.

[2sure]

"Well I know what he's doing. He's done it before. He doesn't come home for days at a time"

 

I think the scenario, the circumstances, the response of the BS...are all very very unusual and not an accurate example of what could or could not happen.

[Owl]

We can all find instances to support our own viewpoints.

 

You found one instance that supports yours. You've undoubtedly heard of others.

 

You've also been presented with tons and tons of examples supporting the other viewpoint here on LS as well...none of which has changed your viewpoint...just as your example isn't likely to convince others to change their minds as well.

 

We're probably all better off just agreeing to disagree, and continuing to post our own viewpoints and letting the person looking for advice choose what bests suits their viewpoint and situation.

[desertIslandCactus]

There obviously has been quite a great deal of discussion here about ratting others out in an affair.

 

Here's a story

 

A friend of mine's common law husband of 14 years recently passed (he was 38 ) She has since gone off the deep end. Dating & sleeping with anyone who will. Which includes being involved with at least 3 married men & one that is currently separated.

Another friend in our little group took it upon herself to call one of the wives of one of the married guys. (OH, & she also called our friends dad to tell him what his daughter was up to......)

This happened one evening while this "tattle tail" was actually sitting at the bar with our friend & one of the married guys - so she got to see the whole "Scene" happen first hand.

Well, the wife shows up at the bar while husband is there with our friend. A scene happens. The wife & husband step outside & have an obviously heated discussion. The husband comes back in the bar & enjoys the rest of his evening with our friend. (& has since been seen in the bar with our friend multiple other times)

We hear later thru the grapevine (his wife telling another mutual friend) "Well I know what he's doing. He's done it before. He doesn't come home for days at a time"

 

This has become the main topic of "Entertainment Gossip" at a bar & grille that we frequent. I don't know if this particular wife has any plans to leave him or if she's just gonna wait this affair out. (BTW: Everyone in this Peyton Place either has NO children or the kids are all grown - we're an over 40's group)

 

Anyway.........My point is - This is why I don't stick my nose into business that does not pertain to me personally.

 

Is my friend Coo-Coo....Yes. She won't take help from anyone. We've all tried.

Are the married men in her little entourage - idiots? You betcha.

 

But it's not my business to go tell any of their wives what they are up to.

Whether I'm their friend or not.

 

BTW - All of the telling has NOT stopped any of the activity that goes on.

Made no difference. Just caused a little burp of excitement. Something more for people to gossip about.

 

I'm against 'telling' also.

 

But before I would enjoy the "little burp of excitement" gossip - at a little substance bar - I would talk to the woman who has recently lost her SO, about enhancing her life for the better.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I am no where near your little 'bug in Kansas.....:laugh: As far as the story, more sad then anything and supports nothing....

[xxoo]

I don't understand the point of your (very sad) story. Discreetly telling the BS is not gossip, nor does it cause gossip. The BS's behavior caused the gossip. That was her choice. It has no impact on my belief that she has a right to know.

 

(OH, & she also called our friends dad to tell him what his daughter was up to......)

 

Why the eye rolls? If your friend is acting erratically in the wake of her partner's death, the people who love her and can support her (and can keep an eye out for self-destructive behavior) should know about it. It can be done nastily, but it also can be done out of genuine concern for her wellbeing.

[Owl]

The more I think of it, the less I even see this as an example of a reason not to tell.

 

This was just an example where nothing changed as a result.

 

But really, there was no net NEGATIVE impact to the revelation. She already knew, everyone else already saw what was going on...so telling didn't hurt anyone...since everyone already knew anyway.

 

That's a key difference from the vast majority of situations here where people are suggesting that the BS be told. Because it's pretty obvious that they don't know...or at least pretty likely that they don't know.

 

Your example just shows a situation where the wife was already aware she was with a serial cheater.

 

How different could the outcome have been had she actually not known that?

[desertIslandCactus]

 

How different could the outcome have been had she actually not known that?

 

Discovery would have been slower (but surer) .. as mine was..

 

While onlookers are obviously using it as entertainment .. Pathetic.

[xxoo]

Discovery would have been slower (but surer) .. as mine was..

 

While onlookers are obviously using it as entertainment .. Pathetic.

 

What do you mean "surer"?

 

The telling did not create the onlookers or the entertainment. The BS choosing to confront in a public place created that.

 

And, maybe, telling in a very sensitive way (not sure what happened, but if she called to say "Hey, guess who is at the bar making out with so-and-so RIGHT NOW???!", that would obviously be provocative and insensitive. Certainly, telling does not need to look anything like that.

[confusedinkansas]

As far as the story, more sad then anything and supports nothing....

I'm not necessarily trying to Support anything......Except - My views are not to meddle in others business

 

...none of which has changed your viewpoint...just as your example isn't likely to convince others to change their minds as well..

I'm not trying to change anyone's viewpoint. It's just an example.

I didn't go out & FIND it - it just happened in my small group of friends.

 

While onlookers are obviously using it as entertainment .. Pathetic

Exactly - However, when friends won't accept help or advice from anyone else, what else is there to do? I don't plan on not going to this establishment anymore. I will still see her & him. Others will still talk.

 

But really, there was no net NEGATIVE impact to the revelation. She already knew, everyone else already saw what was going on...so telling didn't hurt anyone...since everyone already knew anyway.

 

Exactly what I've said many times here. Most already know so what's the point in sticking your nose in their business - when it doesn't concern you?

 

Why the eye rolls? If your friend is acting erratically in the wake of her partner's death, the people who love her and can support her (and can keep an eye out for self-destructive behavior) should know about it.

The eye roll is still the same as I've said. Sticking her nose in business that doesn't concern her. Calling the father of a 40+ year old woman - Really!!

 

As I said - None of this made one ounce of difference. Which is why I don't stick my nose in others business.

 

I'm not trying to get those that believe in telling to NOT tell. Or Visa Versa. This is just something that has happened in my immediate group of friends - Just sharing.

[desertIslandCactus]

What do you mean "surer"?

 

The telling did not create the onlookers or the entertainment. The BS choosing to confront in a public place created that.

 

And, maybe, telling in a very sensitive way (not sure what happened, but if she called to say "Hey, guess who is at the bar making out with so-and-so RIGHT NOW???!", that would obviously be provocative and insensitive. Certainly, telling does not need to look anything like that.

 

I'm saying that in my case, over a period of time .. God did reveal all.

 

The whole situation here has seemed to provide entertainment for the onlookers who prided themselves in not wanting to get involved.

[confusedinkansas]

I'm saying that in my case, over a period of time .. God did reveal all.

 

The whole situation here has seemed to provide entertainment for the onlookers who prided themselves in not wanting to get involved.

 

Here's a question then -

Now that the wife knows & the husband & this other woman still frequent this (& other places in our small community together) establishment -

 

Now what? Does someone keep at it....Keep calling the wife.....?

What do you do now? WWYD?

[Owl]

I'm not necessarily trying to Support anything......Except - My views are not to meddle in others business

 

Right...to support your views.

 

I'm not trying to change anyone's viewpoint. It's just an example.

I didn't go out & FIND it - it just happened in my small group of friends.

 

Understood.

 

Exactly - However, when friends won't accept help or advice from anyone else, what else is there to do? I don't plan on not going to this establishment anymore. I will still see her & him. Others will still talk.

 

Probably best that you're not going there anymore...doesn't sound like a very positive place for married people anyway. Even you described it as a "Peyton Place'.

 

Exactly what I've said many times here. Most already know so what's the point in sticking your nose in their business - when it doesn't concern you?

 

Well...if they already know...no harm done, as you illustrated in this story.

 

But...if they don't know, then you're giving them the critical information that they're lacking to fill in the gaps and make an informed decision.

 

That's why you should tell, even if it's "none of your business". Because you care.

 

The eye roll is still the same as I've said. Sticking her nose in business that doesn't concern her. Calling the father of a 40+ year old woman - Really!!

 

Hmmm...well...I know a number of 40 year old women who actually care what their parents think. And a number of parent's of adult children who actually still care what their children do and how it impacts others.

 

What's sad is that her father didn't care enough to say something to her about it...or that she didn't care enough to change her ways. I find that MUCH more worthy of the eye-rolling than him being told in the first place.

As I said - None of this made one ounce of difference. Which is why I don't stick my nose in others business.

 

I'm not trying to get those that believe in telling to NOT tell. Or Visa Versa. This is just something that has happened in my immediate group of friends - Just sharing.

 

You were sharing as an example of something that you felt supported your viewpoint...which is fine. What other reason would you have had to post this if not to sway others to reconsider your viewpoint (which is again fine, but why not admit it?)?

[Owl]

Here's a question then -

Now that the wife knows & the husband & this other woman still frequent this (& other places in our small community together) establishment -

 

Now what? Does someone keep at it....Keep calling the wife.....?

What do you do now? WWYD?

 

I'd do nothing.

 

She made it clear that she knows. She doesn't care to change the situation.

 

This 'other woman' doesn't care enough about what her friends/family think to change either, so no value in pushing her either.

 

I'd simply end my friendship with this woman who sleeps with married men and be done with the whole situation...nothing left TO do.

[JAGeezer]

The more I think of it, the less I even see this as an example of a reason not to tell.

 

This was just an example where nothing changed as a result.

 

But really, there was no net NEGATIVE impact to the revelation. She already knew, everyone else already saw what was going on...so telling didn't hurt anyone...since everyone already knew anyway.

 

That's a key difference from the vast majority of situations here where people are suggesting that the BS be told. Because it's pretty obvious that they don't know...or at least pretty likely that they don't know.

 

Your example just shows a situation where the wife was already aware she was with a serial cheater.

 

How different could the outcome have been had she actually not known that?

 

The only thing that it really proves is that there are a lot of jaded cynical people in the world.

 

JAG

[confusedinkansas]

Right...to support your views.

Supporting my views........Perhaps - But definitely not trying to change anyone's mind.

 

Even you described it as a "Peyton Place'.

Peyton Place used flippantly. It's the kind of establishment where there are regulars that are friends. As in any other circle of friends, there's normally drama. The age range of the folks that frequent the place goes from early 20's to well beyond 50. There's always a lil' sum-sum goin' on. Not always drama like this though.

 

Hmmm...well...I know a number of 40 year old women who actually care what their parents think. And a number of parent's of adult children who actually still care what their children do and how it impacts others.

 

What's sad is that her father didn't care enough to say something to her about it...or that she didn't care enough to change her ways. I find that MUCH more worthy of the eye-rolling than him being told in the first place.

As I said - None of this made one ounce of difference. Which is why I don't stick my nose in others business.

I don't know exactly what her father did once he had this information.

 

 

You were sharing as an example of something that you felt supported your viewpoint...which is fine. What other reason would you have had to post this if not to sway others to reconsider your viewpoint (which is again fine, but why not admit it?)?

Yes, sharing an example. But not trying to change anyone's mind here.

I of all people know that in LS you don't normally change anyone's opinion.

I'm just sharing. That's all.

[xxoo]

The eye roll is still the same as I've said. Sticking her nose in business that doesn't concern her. Calling the father of a 40+ year old woman - Really!!

 

When someone has "gone off the deep end", age doesn't really matter, does it? People of all ages need help and support. People of all ages need loving family to watch out for them in times of emotional trouble.

 

It surely doesn't sound like your social group has this "friend's" best interests in mind. Hopefully her father does.

[confusedinkansas]

It is a group of FRIENDS. We do all look out for one another.

However, when one won't accept help or advice not much else one friend can do. Many have tried. We live in a small western Kansas town - she has other friends outside of this group.

She is my friend & will always be. Just because I don't agree with a behavior doesn't mean someone won't be my friend anymore

[xxoo]

What was the nature of the "telling"? Was it a phone call from that bar talking about things happening at the moment?

 

Why did the BS come storming in to confront right then if she knew about the cheating all along?

[Owl]

It is a group of FRIENDS. We do all look out for one another.

However, when one won't accept help or advice not much else one friend can do. Many have tried. We live in a small western Kansas town - she has other friends outside of this group.

She is my friend & will always be. Just because I don't agree with a behavior doesn't mean someone won't be my friend anymore

 

And this choice demonstrates your own prioritization of your moral views versus your desire for friendship.

 

If a friend intentionally and deliberately commits acts that I find offensive/immoral/repulsive...then it DOES mean to me that they won't be my friend anymore.

 

By remaining her friend through this, you're tacitly agreeing with and supporting her actions. You're telling her that they're "not that bad".

 

Whereas if you were to tell her "I find what you're doing to be extremely wrong. I'm your friend, but I'm not going to sit here and associate with you when you're acting like this. I wish you the best." and walk away...it's absolutely a potential catalyst for her to change for the better. THAT is a true friend.

Edited November 2, 2010 by Owl

[bentnotbroken]

Sounds like she has made it clear she knows and there would be no need to inform her again. I personally will still "stick" my nose in. I have been in the situation. A friend's wife was involved and I told him I had some info he might ought to see. He told me he knew something was off but he didn't want to know what. The end. He made his decision. HE made his decision, just as the person you describe in your story. The choice was theirs to make and telling them gave them the opportunity to exercise that right.

 

 

I can't imagine withholding valuable health information from someone and for me that's that's one aspect of affairs...the health info. The other withholding info that can be potentially dangerous on a whole other level.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

Anyway.........My point is - This is why I don't stick my nose into business that does not pertain to me personally.

 

methinks it has more to do with the fact that you are a cheater.

 

 

Is my friend Coo-Coo....Yes. She won't take help from anyone. We've all tried.

Are the married men in her little entourage - idiots? You betcha.

 

no argument there, they are idiots....but she is with them....so she is one also.

 

 

But it's not my business to go tell any of their wives what they are up to.

Whether I'm their friend or not.

 

its not about being anyone's business. if I was being made a fool of, its not anyone elses business to tell me, but I'd sure hope someone did. Not everyone would, but I would.

[Holding-On]

Actually, for what it is worth, reading these stories here on LS has changed my mind on the issue of telling. Prior to joining I probably would have so the person being cheated on would have choices. Reading the BS stories here on LS, now I would not. The chance of what I would consider extreme overreaction appears too high.

[pureinheart]

There obviously has been quite a great deal of discussion here about ratting others out in an affair.

 

Here's a story

 

A friend of mine's common law husband of 14 years recently passed (he was 38 ) She has since gone off the deep end. Dating & sleeping with anyone who will. Which includes being involved with at least 3 married men & one that is currently separated.

Another friend in our little group took it upon herself to call one of the wives of one of the married guys. (OH, & she also called our friends dad to tell him what his daughter was up to......)

This happened one evening while this "tattle tail" was actually sitting at the bar with our friend & one of the married guys - so she got to see the whole "Scene" happen first hand.

Well, the wife shows up at the bar while husband is there with our friend. A scene happens. The wife & husband step outside & have an obviously heated discussion. The husband comes back in the bar & enjoys the rest of his evening with our friend. (& has since been seen in the bar with our friend multiple other times)

We hear later thru the grapevine (his wife telling another mutual friend) "Well I know what he's doing. He's done it before. He doesn't come home for days at a time"

 

This has become the main topic of "Entertainment Gossip" at a bar & grille that we frequent. I don't know if this particular wife has any plans to leave him or if she's just gonna wait this affair out. (BTW: Everyone in this Peyton Place either has NO children or the kids are all grown - we're an over 40's group)

 

Anyway.........My point is - This is why I don't stick my nose into business that does not pertain to me personally.

 

Is my friend Coo-Coo....Yes. She won't take help from anyone. We've all tried.

Are the married men in her little entourage - idiots? You betcha.

 

But it's not my business to go tell any of their wives what they are up to.

Whether I'm their friend or not.

 

BTW - All of the telling has NOT stopped any of the activity that goes on.

Made no difference. Just caused a little burp of excitement. Something more for people to gossip about.

 

This lady is severely traumatised...I am not sure if her SO's death was a trigger to some traumas from the past or the main offence...my heart goes out to everyone concerned.

 

CIK....just pray for her, or be there when she breaks, and she will break at some point...I can guarantee that...((((hugs for her))))

[Owl]

Actually, for what it is worth, reading these stories here on LS has changed my mind on the issue of telling. Prior to joining I probably would have so the person being cheated on would have choices. Reading the BS stories here on LS, now I would not. The chance of what I would consider extreme overreaction appears too high.

 

Define "extreme overreaction" by someone who's discovered that the person that they loved and trusted the most in the world has betrayed and cheated on them?

 

What's "acceptable reaction" vs "extreme overreaction" in this case?

 

Granted, there's a SLIGHT (we've rarely seen posts about it here on LS directly from someone who's done it or been through it) where the BS might physically retaliate against the OW/OM or MM/MW. But that's pretty darned rare when you get down to it.

 

So barring that...what other reaction could be so severe that you would feel it would warrant NOT letting that person know the truth of the situation?