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Dating guy for a little over a month. He went out of town to see female "friend"..uh?

Katie29

By Katie29
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Katie29 Established Member

Katie29

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I have been dating a man for about a month now. In the last 2 weeks we have spent alot of time together. We were intimate for the first time last week. He told me that was the first time for him in awhile. He is a very nice guy. Probably the nicest man I have ever dated.

 

Early last week he told me he was going away for the weekend to Cleveland to meet up with some friends that were going to be in there on business and they asked him to meet up with them. The guy I'm dating is from out of the country. He does travel for work. He told me his friends are a married couple that he met in college in England. So I didn't think anything of it. Than over the weekend while he was away he texted me to say hello and said he wanted to send me pictures that he took with "Alexa's" camera. He didn't mention her husband. So tonight he called me and told me about his trip and mentioned that Alexa's husband wasn't able to make it so it was just the two of them. um...I'm now a little concerned. I know men have female friends and this man and I have not talked about being exclusive..yet.

 

This just doesn't sit right with me.. Am I overreacting? Should I ask him about her further?

He just doesn't seem like the type of guy to be shady. We have spent so much time together to think he would have something with someone else...

Edited by Katie29
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Interesting that he wouldn't know the dynamics of who was coming and not until they had traveled, presumably from a long distance. I do a fair amount of traveling and have friends who do as well, and we pretty much know in real time who's doing what and if plans change.

 

This, combined with him 'being from another country' and 'traveling on business' would compel me to dig a bit deeper. Do you normally have sex with men you're not in an exclusive monogamous relationship with?

 

You will likely hear opinion that you have nothing to worry about. That's fair.

 

How long will he be gone on this 'business' trip?

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Katie29 Established Member

Katie29

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Interesting that he wouldn't know the dynamics of who was coming and not until they had traveled, presumably from a long distance. I do a fair amount of traveling and have friends who do as well, and we pretty much know in real time who's doing what and if plans change.

 

This, combined with him 'being from another country' and 'traveling on business' would compel me to dig a bit deeper. Do you normally have sex with men you're not in an exclusive monogamous relationship with?

 

You will likely hear opinion that you have nothing to worry about. That's fair.

 

How long will he be gone on this 'business' trip?

 

No I don't normally have sex randomly. It was done prematurely and I'm totally responsible for my own actions. He wasn't on business. He told me they were traveling on business from England. He is from England as well, now living in the US. He told me they asked him or she asked him to meet up while they were in Cleveland. So he did and apparently the husband wasn't able to make it. I didn't ask a ton of questions when this came up last week because frankly I didn't see it as my business. But now that he told me the husband didn't make it, it got me wondering.

 

I could be totally wrong and maybe they really are just friends. Maybe he didn't want to tell me he was just meeting with her being we just met and he didn't want to give me the wrong impression. I don't know. I will continue to see him but I'm going to have a discussion with him about whether or not he wants to see other people. And if so we won't be intimate until that changes..

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Katie29 Established Member

Katie29

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How long will he be gone on this 'business' trip?

 

 

He left on Friday and returned last night

carhill Established Member

carhill

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Posted

OK, accept things as they are now and have the exclusivity talk. It's great to have friends from college. I hope you'll meet them. I'm sure they're a great couple. It wouldn't hurt to express sentiments such as that. My exW and I were meeting each other's friends well in advance of having sex, but we waited a couple months. Still, we met each other's friends, both single and married ones. That's what people who are seriously dating (since you don't normally have random sex, I presume you are seriously dating this guy) do, IMO. Again, opinion on this differs. I'm an old fart.

 

Were there any pictures of Alexa or he and Alexa or were there just landscape and building shots?

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Katie29 Established Member

Katie29

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OK, accept things as they are now and have the exclusivity talk. It's great to have friends from college. I hope you'll meet them. I'm sure they're a great couple. It wouldn't hurt to express sentiments such as that. My exW and I were meeting each other's friends well in advance of having sex, but we waited a couple months. Still, we met each other's friends, both single and married ones. That's what people who are seriously dating (since you don't normally have random sex, I presume you are seriously dating this guy) do, IMO. Again, opinion on this differs. I'm an old fart.

 

Were there any pictures of Alexa or he and Alexa or were there just landscape and building shots?

 

We have spent alot of time together in the last 2 weeks. He calls me every night. He has been nothing but generous, sweet and gentleman-like. I have to admit I'm the one that initiated sex. He told me he hadn't had sex in a few years prior to me.

I have not seen any pictures yet. I plan to see him on Wednesday and he says he will show me than. I guess I should plan to see photos of more than just landscapes and buildings! The truth is he is free to see who he wants until we decide to not see other people. I just don't want to be lied to. If he was going to see someone who is more than a friend, I deserve the truth. My issue is the fact that he may be lying, not that he could be seeing someone else..

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Katie29 Established Member

Katie29

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Interesting that he wouldn't know the dynamics of who was coming and not until they had traveled, presumably from a long distance. I do a fair amount of traveling and have friends who do as well, and we pretty much know in real time who's doing what and if plans change.

 

This, combined with him 'being from another country' and 'traveling on business' would compel me to dig a bit deeper. Do you normally have sex with men you're not in an exclusive monogamous relationship with?

 

You will likely hear opinion that you have nothing to worry about. That's fair.

 

How long will he be gone on this 'business' trip?

 

 

Now I'm REALLY freaking out...

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

Oh, I misunderstood. When you shared that he wanted to send you pictures, I thought he had, via e-mail/SMS/phone, etc. Heck, when I'm traveling, I send videos. :D

 

Perhaps this is an opportunity to resolve one aspect of compatibility, that being communication style.

 

So, has he been married in the past, and, if so, for how long?

 

I will opine, as someone with experience doing it, that it is fairly uncommon for a man to go a 'few years' without sex. Since you initiated, how would you assess his enthusiasm, style and content? Did he seem 'rusty' or was the bicycle all lubed up and working like a dream?

 

What I'm doing here is connecting actions and words and looking for commonalities. This is called 'over-analyzing'.

 

A simpler approach would be 'do you like spending time with him?' 'does he respect you and value you?' 'does he appear to be trustworthy and trusting?' If yes, lay out your boundaries, ask direct questions reflecting what is on your mind and go with the flow. :)

 

Here's one question a lady I dated asked me on our second date: 'What are you looking for in a relationship?'

 

My answer: 'I enjoyed being married'

 

Direct question. Direct answer. Your questions and the appropriate answers will be your own.

 

Oh, lastly, don't ask about the pictures. Let him share those with you, proactively. A lady who suffers through my travel pix gets props ;)

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Katie29 Established Member

Katie29

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Oh, I misunderstood. When you shared that he wanted to send you pictures, I thought he had, via e-mail/SMS/phone, etc. Heck, when I'm traveling, I send videos. :D

 

Perhaps this is an opportunity to resolve one aspect of compatibility, that being communication style.

 

So, has he been married in the past, and, if so, for how long?

 

I will opine, as someone with experience doing it, that it is fairly uncommon for a man to go a 'few years' without sex. Since you initiated, how would you assess his enthusiasm, style and content? Did he seem 'rusty' or was the bicycle all lubed up and working like a dream?

 

What I'm doing here is connecting actions and words and looking for commonalities. This is called 'over-analyzing'.

 

A simpler approach would be 'do you like spending time with him?' 'does he respect you and value you?' 'does he appear to be trustworthy and trusting?' If yes, lay out your boundaries, ask direct questions reflecting what is on your mind and go with the flow. :)

 

Here's one question a lady I dated asked me on our second date: 'What are you looking for in a relationship?'

 

My answer: 'I enjoyed being married'

 

Direct question. Direct answer. Your questions and the appropriate answers will be your own.

 

Oh, lastly, don't ask about the pictures. Let him share those with you, proactively. A lady who suffers through my travel pix gets props ;)

 

He did say he attempted to send me some pictures but my phone has had some issues accepting large files lately. So he offered to show me when I see him. He has never been married.

 

As far as the sex goes, he seemed pretty nervous. He didn't even touch me the first 3 dates. I initiated the first kiss. I thought it was weird he offered me the info about his sex past but he offered it, I didn't ask.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

More information is a good thing. Thanks. I'll consolidate: When you meet in person again, share with him *your* perspective about how you view relationships and sex in general and ask him how he feels about that. Listen. *If* you find synergy (you're on the same wavelength with your wants, boundaries, and styles), grow that. Build intimacy. Have more sex. See how it goes :)

Marcella024 New Member

Marcella024

Posted
Posted
More information is a good thing. Thanks. I'll consolidate: When you meet in person again, share with him *your* perspective about how you view relationships and sex in general and ask him how he feels about that. Listen. *If* you find synergy (you're on the same wavelength with your wants, boundaries, and styles), grow that. Build intimacy. Have more sex. See how it goes :)

 

Thanks for the advice. I do appreciate it. So I def should NOT ask more about this woman or this trip? I know what I need to do in regards to us no longer being intimate until there is commitment. But I'm still unsure about questioning him about her. I don't want to overstep my boundry if I'm totally wrong.

carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

IMO, I would focus on your dating interaction and burgeoning sexual relationship. This is about you and he growing into and as a couple. Yes, be aware. Yes, enforce healthy boundaries. Tell him what you *want*, using positive statements. I would not interrogate him about his trip or Alexa. Let him talk about it. Be interested. Time reveals all truths :)

 

Oh, also, generally, with most men, we don't take too well to relationships going backwards. Once you've made love, you grow that, rather than cutting it off at the ground. Work on making love within the parameters of a relationship you find mutually healthy and beneficial, or decide that it's not and end it. There was a reason and/or feelings why you initiated and did what you did. Go with that.

Marcella024 New Member

Marcella024

Posted
Posted
IMO, I would focus on your dating interaction and burgeoning sexual relationship. This is about you and he growing into and as a couple. Yes, be aware. Yes, enforce healthy boundaries. Tell him what you *want*, using positive statements. I would not interrogate him about his trip or Alexa. Let him talk about it. Be interested. Time reveals all truths :)

 

Oh, also, generally, with most men, we don't take too well to relationships going backwards. Once you've made love, you grow that, rather than cutting it off at the ground. Work on making love within the parameters of a relationship you find mutually healthy and beneficial, or decide that it's not and end it. There was a reason and/or feelings why you initiated and did what you did. Go with that.

 

I have a hard time growing a relationship with something that may have started with a lie. But your advice is good. Thank you.

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