Gt.ooh Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Hi there, I'm more than ready to get this done and over with. What are some tips, advice, and examples of moving on quickly and painless as possible. There's so much anger involved and emotion which just isn't necessary in my break-up. I want to move on to heal, and be done with this. Cheers guys.
EricaH329 Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I think your signature says it all. You need to focus on your life now, as opposed to what it was. I understand that there are still emotions involved. Which is why the first step needs to be figuring out those emotions, and finding a way to put them behind you. The best way that I have found to do this, is by forgiveness. Forgive yourself for all the wrong you've done in the relationship, and forgive the other person (not directly to them) for what they've done to hurt you. After all, we are all human, we all do make mistakes. And if this is a situation where your ex does not feel as though they have made a mistake, forgive them for their ignorance. That will release the negative energy you have towards that situation. After that, focus on yourself. Who do you want to become *now*? What type of person do you inevitably want to be? Take steps towards becoming that person. Do things that will put that goal into motion. Where do you want to be 10 years from now? What is your favorite hobby? Focus on those things. There is no quick-fix solution to healing. It'll be hard. For everyone. The question shouldn't be, 'How do I get over this as painless as possible' but rather 'How do I get the most out of this experience, while improving myself'. Good luck!
Leandro Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 You could start working out, going out more or learning something new.
Ajax Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Kudos to Erica for a great response. I agree with her. I think there's a period after every breakup where the person left is lost. We don't understand what happened and we don't know what to do. Our world is shaken. It's a rough time. Gradually we begin to let go of the person we loved and what happened. It can take a long time. There's no magic bullet. We have to love ourselves and do things that make ourselves happy. That doesn't mean that we don't stop missing or loving the person who left us, but we aren't left with many other options. My last breakup changed me. I'm still changing. I don't know how I will be when the dust finally settles. I've always been a practicing Catholic. My ex and I used to go to mass together almost every week, sometimes with each other's families. I haven't gone in weeks. My faith was shaken. Lately I've been looking more and more into Budhism, whose philosophies on pain and suffering are really making sense to me. One of the main tenets is that nothing is permenent and everything changes. To resist change is to invite suffering. To hold onto the past creates pain. As hard as it is we must learn to let go. I'm not there yet eaither, but I'm working on it. We will work through this. I'm with ya GTO. Keep posting and when you're feeling down let it out and then let it go.
EricaH329 Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Kudos to Erica for a great response. I agree with her. I think there's a period after every breakup where the person left is lost. We don't understand what happened and we don't know what to do. Our world is shaken. It's a rough time. Gradually we begin to let go of the person we loved and what happened. It can take a long time. There's no magic bullet. We have to love ourselves and do things that make ourselves happy. That doesn't mean that we don't stop missing or loving the person who left us, but we aren't left with many other options. My last breakup changed me. I'm still changing. I don't know how I will be when the dust finally settles. I've always been a practicing Catholic. My ex and I used to go to mass together almost every week, sometimes with each other's families. I haven't gone in weeks. My faith was shaken. Lately I've been looking more and more into Budhism, whose philosophies on pain and suffering are really making sense to me. One of the main tenets is that nothing is permenent and everything changes. To resist change is to invite suffering. To hold onto the past creates pain. As hard as it is we must learn to let go. I'm not there yet eaither, but I'm working on it. We will work through this. I'm with ya GTO. Keep posting and when you're feeling down let it out and then let it go. That's so great!! I actually have 3 books about Buddhism on their way I think it's a great concept, and should most definitely be applied after losing someone special. Aside from that, I completely agree with you. Loving yourself is the best way to move forward and heal. The more respect and love you find within yourself, the happier you will be.
Author Gt.ooh Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 Well, I have been hitting the gym.. winter is setting in and hobbies are a little harder to follow. I'm going to go snow-mobliling this winter with my uncle...one of my main focuses is to buy a newer 4x4 truck to be able to drive up country for sledding. I guess I'm doing my best, I've tried to go out more..I'm going to attempt to get my old job back which was a good one.. Now it comes down to time, sigh. Well guess that's the ultimate healer huh?
Yeahdude22 Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 ive hitting the gym 4 times a week. im a skinny guy, not like sick skinny but could definitely add some mass. and i feel alot better. im eating better. and just gaining more confidence in myself (when i got crushed it didnt really mess with my confidence because i have always had great self esteem, but it is just helping even more)
D-Lish Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Fake it until you make it helped me through an incredibly hard time. There was a time when I couldn't go to the grocery store without fearing I could burst into tears at any given moment. (I did actually burst into tears the the grocery store FYI). At some point, all that faking in the public arena became less and less difficult. The fake smile, and fake laughs progressed to some real smiles and real laughs. Sometimes healing just happens, and you wake up one morning and things aren't as bad as they were the day before- then the next day, things are better still. Don't get me wrong, you have to participate in your healing process, and that means acknowledging that you're in pain. But outwardly, you can project any image that you want, whether you feel it or not. Before long, you actually start to feel it.
MorningCoffee Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 If Buddhism appeals to you, then you might like Wisdom of a Broken Heart, by Susan Piver, who takes a sort of Buddhist approach to the experience and the steps to move ahead in your life.
Gold Pile Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Hi there, I'm more than ready to get this done and over with. What are some tips, advice, and examples of moving on quickly and painless as possible. There's so much anger involved and emotion which just isn't necessary in my break-up. I want to move on to heal, and be done with this. Cheers guys. Time really does heal. Know that such pain leaves a scar, it's part of your caracter now. Wisdom scar.
Author Gt.ooh Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 Thanks guys, really appreciate it. I agree with the fake it till you make it. That's one of the best mottos I've heard in a while. I think I'm going to have to play that over and over in my head from now on. Heading to the gym right now actually, definitely looking forward to snow-mobiling! PS: I've reached out the the ex to have a phone convo...we haven't spoken since the break-up 2 months (not full NC) just emails, I told her we need to tell each other our feelings with no hard feelings. Yesterday was the first time we talked about the condo over email and she just lashed at me..so today I told her think about it, let's be adults, and before you reply with anger think about having a chat. Trying to be the better person and I want to hear her out..Her mom is all for it, and is working with me to get her to take a step back because she's just being unecessary.. I told her take 3 weeks if she wants, but I just want her to know it only makes sense. I'm calm and cool as can be vs about 2 wks ago. I know she was with the ex for a bit of time, I don't really care now...however a chat is in store. Tell each other true feelings.
D-Lish Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 PS: I've reached out the the ex to have a phone convo...we haven't spoken since the break-up 2 months (not full NC) just emails, I told her we need to tell each other our feelings with no hard feelings. Yesterday was the first time we talked about the condo over email and she just lashed at me..so today I told her think about it, let's be adults, and before you reply with anger think about having a chat. Trying to be the better person and I want to hear her out..Her mom is all for it, and is working with me to get her to take a step back because she's just being unecessary.. I told her take 3 weeks if she wants, but I just want her to know it only makes sense. I'm calm and cool as can be vs about 2 wks ago. I know she was with the ex for a bit of time, I don't really care now...however a chat is in store. Tell each other true feelings. Forcing a chat isn't the way to go about healing. Essentially what you are currently doing is perpetuating the drama, and in doing so you are prolonging your pain. You won't get over a break up if you approach every day with the hope that you're going to get back together with someone. You def won't get over her if you are speaking with her mom on a regular basis in order to facilitate a reunion. You won't be able to begin healing yourself until you take yourself out of the picture and start living life for you. Talking with her mom, forcing conversations with someone that is hostile toward you is the problem. Saying a chat is in store is your agenda, but by the sound of it, your ex doesn't share your agenda. It sounds like you are holding on to your ex by trying to control your break up- you can't force chats with someone that doesn't want to chat with you. You are living in limbo right now my friend- and there is no healing that could possibly take place in a state of limbo. Her mom may be cheering for you, but her opinion is irrelevant. Stop forcing yourself into the picture- take yourself out of it completely, that's when true healing is possible.
LovelyDaze Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Do what you DO NOT want to do. Don't keep up with your ex's Facebook (even though you want to look so bad). Don't call, write, text or anything that you believe will remind your ex of how much you still love them. This hardly ever works and usually makes the ex look at you as a poor, pathetic creature to be pitied. Do things that make you feel GOOD. Whatever hobbies you let lasp, pick them back up. Get encouraging words from REAL friends who want nothing more than to see you smile again. Another key is to desensitize places and things that remind you of your ex. It's always hard to eat a food, see a movie, or go to a place you know your ex LOVED. But if you liked those things too, gradually go back to them. In time they will become YOUR favorite things alone.
swfc_77 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 as was just said above pick up old hobbies, i let mine go when i was with my ex. lost interest in DJ'ing in spare time and she got jealous of the attention had to sell my rifle as she didn't like me hunting moaned at me when i went fishing, because it came before her apparently (even though she bought me a ton of tackle) stopped working on private jobs and late because she didn't like me working late at a strangers house. moaned at me for going for a few beers a couple of times a week with my friends. i use to save money and when she came along i found it hard, was spending more than i was earning. Now i have started doing all these again, it still hurts what happened but when i am mixing music, or having a few beers i seem to forget about her for an hour, especially when im dj'ing. its funny because i was a different person when i met her and she did change me to suit her needs. she kind of moulded me for 2 years and has now let go, i just wonder what i would be doing if i had not have met her. where would i be in life GT.ooh you want to start doing the things you did and enjoyed before you met her, or try new things. yours/mine and a few on here have had there hopes/dreams/hearts ripped apart so go back a month before you met her and go from there. thats what im trying to do
Author Gt.ooh Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Thanks guys, Your're right.. I just sent that email and I'm going to leave it. I've taken very slow baby steps to removing pictures, deleting her mom off of FB, as well as her sister etc. I only contact her mom by email, and slowly that will be fizzing out too. I know it's not what I should do to reach out, but I did it in a very kind, and understanding manner. Whenever she emailed me about our condo she just wasn't very rational. So I ended this last msg to her with take your time and think about it before you reply with anger, and I'm only trying to get the "no hard feelings" to maybe come into effect down the road. I definitely don't expect a phone call, emails, fb msg, anything for quite some time. I have no reason to contact anymore as we "sort of" got the issues of my furniture and the condo worked out...It was really bothering me and I had to get it solved. I'm a classic example of what not to do, and I've been all over the map..But now I have no reason to talk to her, and I'll definitely be limiting my emails to her mom maybe start with once a week, to nothing...
swfc_77 Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 start with 0 emails a week, unless she emails you then be polite and keep it short. while ever any1 close to her is in your life it will make it a lot harder for you to move. get rid of FB its a right waste of life.
Author Gt.ooh Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 I'll keep my FB i think, I hardly go on it...Your right sfwc, I'm sure you've replied to some of my earlier posts and seen just how messed up I've been... Like I say condo and furniture is no longer an issue, I sent that last email and going to leave it. I'm trying to be the better person, because I can guarantee if it were any kind of guy in my position that wouldn't put up with crap, she would have had a lot more problems then she "thinks" she has with me sending a few emails.. She'll see it couple months down the road.. it's really all I've done. A few emails, most part I've been pretty quiet.
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