melisforlovers Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Hey everyone, I just need some outside advice. I am 29, Husband turned 30 this year. We've been married 2 years, but together for 10. At the end of July, he came to me and said he wasn't happy and thought that I would just agree to a divorce. I did the typical thing of crying, pleading, begging, etc. A month later, I find out there is another woman. It was mostly emotional, with a few lunch dates and dinner dates. It got physical when he moved out for a week. There were several times that he agreed to stop talking to her and we would work on things just the two of us. Every time, he continued to talk to her. He "says" now that they are done talking, and it's about me, that I'm the problem. He has completely detached from me emotionally, keeping me on a rollercoaster every day. He continuously tells me that he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me, but he doesn't want me to leave. I feel very stupid and naive. We are also in marriage counseling. My questions are: Has anyone ever been through this and have any advice for me? Is it possible for a man to come back from this? How long to stay in limbo?
anne1707 Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Yes it is possible but only if both of you commit 100% to making it work - MC would definitley help. However one comment of yours has me worried and I am hoping I have misunderstood: He "says" now that they are done talking, and it's about me, that I'm the problem. Is he telling you that this all your fault?
Snowflower Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 My questions are: Has anyone ever been through this and have any advice for me? Yes, I've been there, done that. The best advice I have for you is to detach, detach, detach just as your husband has. It seems counterintuitive but it is the best chance to save your marriage (if you want to do this) and more importantly, detachment will save your self-esteem and sanity. Is it possible for a man to come back from this? Yes, it is possible. But that is entirely up to your husband. How long to stay in limbo? I wouldn't stay on the emotional rollercoaster another day. Again, detach from him. He has imploded and has imploded your marriage. It will be up to him to fix it. You can't make him do this; it needs to come from him at least initially. My answers in bold. I also second what Anne said above and what does your husband mean when he says "you are the problem"? I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Hey everyone, I just need some outside advice. I am 29, Husband turned 30 this year. We've been married 2 years, but together for 10. At the end of July, he came to me and said he wasn't happy and thought that I would just agree to a divorce. I did the typical thing of crying, pleading, begging, etc. A month later, I find out there is another woman. It was mostly emotional, with a few lunch dates and dinner dates. It got physical when he moved out for a week. There were several times that he agreed to stop talking to her and we would work on things just the two of us. Every time, he continued to talk to her. He "says" now that they are done talking, and it's about me, that I'm the problem. He has completely detached from me emotionally, keeping me on a rollercoaster every day. He continuously tells me that he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me, but he doesn't want me to leave. I feel very stupid and naive. We are also in marriage counseling. My questions are: Has anyone ever been through this and have any advice for me? Is it possible for a man to come back from this? How long to stay in limbo? Sounds like your H is still involved with this other woman. Are you sure its completely over? Like 100 percent sure? The fact that you mention one day he wants to be with you and then the next day he doesnt seems like hes immature..or simply carrying on with his affair..behind your back. I would consider moving out for a bit...show him life does go on without him. Be strong and prove it to him. Please don't beg or plead with him. He'll just think you're pathetic and dependant on him. Sounds like he's in his own little world at this point..or as most would call it the affair fog! Let him be..just do your own thing...don't involve him in your life at this point. Have fun..get your girls together and go out! Doesnt sound like you have kids...so thats even better for you to get away! Just do it!!! Show him who that girl is that he fell in love with 10 years ago. And hey...if it doesnt work..well at least your young enough to explore! Make him wonder where you are..what your doing. Don't come home right after work..don't cook or clean up after him. Do your OWN thang!
pureinheart Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 (edited) Hey everyone, I just need some outside advice. I am 29, Husband turned 30 this year. We've been married 2 years, but together for 10. At the end of July, he came to me and said he wasn't happy and thought that I would just agree to a divorce. I did the typical thing of crying, pleading, begging, etc. A month later, I find out there is another woman. It was mostly emotional, with a few lunch dates and dinner dates. It got physical when he moved out for a week. There were several times that he agreed to stop talking to her and we would work on things just the two of us. Every time, he continued to talk to her. He "says" now that they are done talking, and it's about me, that I'm the problem. He has completely detached from me emotionally, keeping me on a rollercoaster every day. He continuously tells me that he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me, but he doesn't want me to leave. I feel very stupid and naive. We are also in marriage counseling. My questions are: Has anyone ever been through this and have any advice for me? Is it possible for a man to come back from this? How long to stay in limbo? Wow...my daughters dad did that ...I was a basket case. I was crying continuously as he had moved out...(thank God I wasn't working at that time) I remember I was laying on the living room floor crying and my neighbor came over and F this sh*t...she told me to take a shower and that we were going out and for me to call him and have him get his ass over there to watch the kids while we go and party. My gf and I went out...OMG, I had the time of my life, all the guys were hitting on me...I was basically the "bell of the ball" (that has NEVER happened before BTW)...this one really good looking cool guy asked for my phone number and I gave it to him. We get home and my friend told WS what happened and WS moved back home that night. The moral of the story...I'm not sure, but WS did come home. Man gf, I don't know what to say:(, except it is not "all" your fault, and to say it is, is a mind game. He contradicts himself in the bolded part. This is about what you want. Can you rise above his confusion while he figures out what he wants? If you really have to have him then my advice would be to have a happy marriage without him. Go about your business sorta like he doesn't exist...then see what happens, what his reactions are and go from there...BUT please don't put up with his confusion for too long....((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) and I wish lots of good stuff your way:) Edited November 2, 2010 by pureinheart
Spark1111 Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Sounds like your H is still involved with this other woman. Are you sure its completely over? Like 100 percent sure? The fact that you mention one day he wants to be with you and then the next day he doesnt seems like hes immature..or simply carrying on with his affair..behind your back. I would consider moving out for a bit...show him life does go on without him. Be strong and prove it to him. Please don't beg or plead with him. He'll just think you're pathetic and dependant on him. Sounds like he's in his own little world at this point..or as most would call it the affair fog! Let him be..just do your own thing...don't involve him in your life at this point. Have fun..get your girls together and go out! Doesnt sound like you have kids...so thats even better for you to get away! Just do it!!! Show him who that girl is that he fell in love with 10 years ago. And hey...if it doesnt work..well at least your young enough to explore! Make him wonder where you are..what your doing. Don't come home right after work..don't cook or clean up after him. Do your OWN thang! I'm with Princess. Do NOT be anyone's doormat while they make up their minds about who they love and who they want to be with. Tell him you NEED TO DECIDE if you still want to be married to him; he did afterall, engage in an emotional affair which has turned physical, and my guess is they are still in contact. If YOU are so much of the problem, then remove the problem, YOURSELF, and see if anyone else finds you a problem. Do they? Friends, family co-workers? Anyone else find you the problem? Doubtful. Good luck to you.
PhoenixRise Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I agree with everyone who has posted so far. Your husband will be in limbo for as long as both you and she continue to be an option to him. Save yourself. Save your sanity. Save your self esteem. Do NOT under any circumstances beg, plead, or try to convince him to choose you. It does seem counterintuitive but the only chance you have to save your marriage (and it is just a chance not a certainty) is to show him that you value yourself too much to sit around crying and hoping he will chose you. Not trying to be harsh. I know this is hard and you must be feeling pretty rotten (been there done that) But if your marriage can be saved...it will be your strength that saves it, not your pain.
Author melisforlovers Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 Yes, he blames the affair on me, claiming "I gave up" on the marriage. He takes any chance he gets to flip it on me. His anger is so bad now, he yells at me for anything. He makes me sick. And now I think I've stumbled upon him having a cyber sex relationship with someone he knew back in college. He has major problems. I'm wondering if I should continue with MC or just cut my losses? I asked him yesterday if he wanted to save our marriage. His response: "I'm trying to get to the point where I want to". He wants me to be happy and chipper, but yet he doesn't want to take true responsibility for his lack of self control. Sorry, just needed to vent.
dreamingoftigers Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Having the affair is the decision to end the marriage. It doesn't matter how much you didn't put into the marriage, he could have left instead of cheating. Not everyone has an intune spouse, not everyone who doesn't have an intune spouse cheats. MC could work out but I am not sure that you would want a guy that is capable of treating you this way. It has been a rough couple of years with my husband and if it wasn't for our child, I would have left. Have you done all that you can? If not, then try all that you can so that you can tell yourself that you did. Although adultery gives you full permission to kick him to the curb. Nobody deserves that treatment. A lot of times when they stop having the affair they are still ambivalent, I wouldn't wait for him to decide what he wants to do, that makes you dependent on his choice, if you want to still save the marriage then go that direction. You cannot control whether it will end or not. If you don't want to save the marriage then start separating as many things as you can and go nc asap. DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM TO DECIDE, he is trying to put off making that decision.
carhill Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 OK, welcome to LS and my sympathies... Couple of questions: After eight years of being together, why did you get married? At that time, who would you say was the impetus for that choice, or do you view it as completely mutual? At the time when he first came to you, did he enumerate what he wasn't happy about? Was the woman he had the EA/PA with known to him during the period prior to you getting married? This presumes you have knowledge of who she is. Prior to this revelation, how would *you* assess the health of your marriage? My credentials....MM, had EA with love which predated my M; attended MC; divorced. I can track the emotional disconnection process in my own dynamic precisely and might be able to offer assistance, if you wish to try to reconcile. Each dynamic is different, but there are commonalities worthy of discussion. MC helps *a lot*. Best wishes
Nemicron Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Honestly, I dont think I could stay with a person that did that. Infact it did happen to me. I could never get over the thought that it would happen again. But then again I have a terrible time forgiving someone like that. If your having problems then talk about it before you go and play around with someone else. Atleast thats how I look at it. With me, I forgave my ex and then she'd do it again. or then it would get worse. and Worse then there would be more lies and then I started thinking I was going crazy. Because I knew something was up but I could never really prove anything. But he might be feeling guilty or something to that nature. my suggestion would be to either give him a a choice. And if he still plays those games. bail. Before something worse happens. Hey everyone, I just need some outside advice. I am 29, Husband turned 30 this year. We've been married 2 years, but together for 10. At the end of July, he came to me and said he wasn't happy and thought that I would just agree to a divorce. I did the typical thing of crying, pleading, begging, etc. A month later, I find out there is another woman. It was mostly emotional, with a few lunch dates and dinner dates. It got physical when he moved out for a week. There were several times that he agreed to stop talking to her and we would work on things just the two of us. Every time, he continued to talk to her. He "says" now that they are done talking, and it's about me, that I'm the problem. He has completely detached from me emotionally, keeping me on a rollercoaster every day. He continuously tells me that he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me, but he doesn't want me to leave. I feel very stupid and naive. We are also in marriage counseling. My questions are: Has anyone ever been through this and have any advice for me? Is it possible for a man to come back from this? How long to stay in limbo?
wicar1 Posted November 5, 2010 Posted November 5, 2010 Hey everyone, I just need some outside advice. I am 29, Husband turned 30 this year. We've been married 2 years, but together for 10. At the end of July, he came to me and said he wasn't happy and thought that I would just agree to a divorce. I did the typical thing of crying, pleading, begging, etc. A month later, I find out there is another woman. It was mostly emotional, with a few lunch dates and dinner dates. It got physical when he moved out for a week. There were several times that he agreed to stop talking to her and we would work on things just the two of us. Every time, he continued to talk to her. He "says" now that they are done talking, and it's about me, that I'm the problem. He has completely detached from me emotionally, keeping me on a rollercoaster every day. He continuously tells me that he doesn't know if he wants to be married to me, but he doesn't want me to leave. I feel very stupid and naive. We are also in marriage counseling. My questions are: Has anyone ever been through this and have any advice for me? Is it possible for a man to come back from this? How long to stay in limbo? Leave him..... you'll find someone who's not a cheater. You don't deserve a cheap guy like him.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted November 6, 2010 Posted November 6, 2010 Yes, he blames the affair on me, claiming "I gave up" on the marriage. He takes any chance he gets to flip it on me. His anger is so bad now, he yells at me for anything. He makes me sick. And now I think I've stumbled upon him having a cyber sex relationship with someone he knew back in college. He has major problems. I'm wondering if I should continue with MC or just cut my losses? I asked him yesterday if he wanted to save our marriage. His response: "I'm trying to get to the point where I want to". He wants me to be happy and chipper, but yet he doesn't want to take true responsibility for his lack of self control. Sorry, just needed to vent. Oh girl...seriously get a grip! He's NOT the one choosing where the marriage is going at this point! The ball was put in your court the day HE cheated! Get mad...BUT direct that at him!!! Don't avoid it! Let him know YOUR the one whose making the decision now...not him! Have you read any of the previous posts? Did you try to do something that we've mentioned??? We have all been in your shoes girl! Buck up...show him it aint the end of the world if he's gone? Or is it? You need to let that VENTness (if theres such a word) outta you..and direct it AT him! Don't hide your feelings..why would you at this point? Cant you stay with a relative for awhile? GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! Sheesh...I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall.
Author melisforlovers Posted November 6, 2010 Author Posted November 6, 2010 I know I should go. And I can't say thank you enough for the amazing feedback. It doesn't make the decision easier as it is never easy to let go, but it will come. I actually saw a psychic today. Well, an intuitive, and she explained so much, mostly about my self love and my lack of it. She said I've let so many bad things happen and it's just been too much for me and I need to create boundaries. Oh, and they're not done talking. But we all knew that. It was intense. She said right now is a time of gathering information, but I will end up leaving.
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