I let people I date know before hand about how I feel about cheating

[harkkam]

It's my policy to always tell a person that I'm in a relationship with that if they are caught cheating that I immediately and swiftly end things and will not tolerate infidelity of any kind. I have never cheated on anyone, and never plan to.

 

I bring it up in the most polite manner and say " what do you think about cheating"

 

The other persons answer isnt important

 

What you follow through with is " yes cheating bothers me alot that's why any kind of it is a deal breaker, I don't accept it and if you get caught I cut you out of my life pretty fast end of story no reconcilliation"

 

This let's the other person know you are not some chump to be taken advantage off and that they better think twice I even thoughts like that cross their mind.

[reservoirdog1]

Pointless as a preemptive measure, if you ask me. Somebody you date who happens to be inclined to cheat in certain circumstances isn't going to be dissuaded just because they know your views on the subject. They're simply going to go to greater lengths to cover it up if they DO cheat.

 

Having said that, there's nothing wrong with telling the person you're dating your feelings on the subject. As long as you're sure to follow through if they ever do cheat.

 

Ultimately, you need to be careful in who you choose to share your life with, be as confident as possible that they're being straight with you and that their word means something, and then go with your gut and hope for the best. Because chances are, if he/she is a cheater, you probably won't know it until they've already done it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Pointless as a preemptive measure,

 

oh I don't know....if you let someone know how strongly you are about cheating and the consequences if it happens(without telling them "IF YOU EVER CHEAT ON ME" or something like that).....then their reaction may help one weed out the undesirables.

 

Again, nothing will guarantee you aren't cheated on....but if you let someone know about your feelings on cheating, and you get a non-response out of them, it means they more than likely cheated before.

 

or if the response is, "I completely agree and cheating is a deal-breaker to me", although it doesn't guarantee the person saying it is not a cheater, its better than awkward silence. the latter would throw up a red flag and I wouldn't be so interested after that.

[TheLoveAdvisor]

Serial Cheaters love you types the best! Right off the bat you give them security in the fact that in no way shape or form you will cheat... But, its already a given when 2 people become exclusive with each other, that cheating is already out of the question... This is when you decide you want to be with each other only, you tell them your feelings, and they do the same for you....

Its natural to honor certain boundaries when you become a exclusive couple, however when you tell a person up front how you feel about cheating, which most people feel the same way, they may feel shamed, or threatened by feelings of a person who is clingy, untrustworthy...

You are being a Cop before letting natural affection take place...

Simple fact, a cheater could careless what you feel, and would love to have somebody that will be good while they carefully screw the entire town....

Its OK to let them know, if they cheat they are gone, no second chances..But in reality, people know the natural boundaries, and telling them they have no second chance if they cheat will not stop them if they are cheaters.. Relationships are more complicated than that, and people do make mistakes....

[harkkam]

Serial Cheaters love you types the best! Right off the bat you give them security in the fact that in no way shape or form you will cheat... But, its already a given when 2 people become exclusive with each other, that cheating is already out of the question... This is when you decide you want to be with each other only, you tell them your feelings, and they do the same for you....

Its natural to honor certain boundaries when you become a exclusive couple, however when you tell a person up front how you feel about cheating, which most people feel the same way, they may feel shamed, or threatened by feelings of a person who is clingy, untrustworthy...

You are being a Cop before letting natural affection take place...

Simple fact, a cheater could careless what you feel, and would love to have somebody that will be good while they carefully screw the entire town....

Its OK to let them know, if they cheat they are gone, no second chances..But in reality, people know the natural boundaries, and telling them they have no second chance if they cheat will not stop them if they are cheaters.. Relationships are more complicated than that, and people do make mistakes....

 

Cheating isn't a mistake and shouldn't be tolerated by man or woman.

 

I also dump people who have cheated on their ex boyfriends, before. I usually come to know about it.

 

I think once a cheater always a cheater.

[Sazerac]

I bring it up in the most polite manner and say " what do you think about cheating"

 

The other persons answer isnt important

 

 

And that right there is the biggest red-flag, deal-breaker for me.

 

I am not a cheater, nor would I ever condone it in anyone else. But you take your POV and use it as a bludgeon against others.

 

If the other person's answer isn't important to you, then why are you asking? Or better yet...why are you with them?

[ReturnToSender]

Yeah I dont understand either...why pose a question if the answer isnt important to you?

 

I also dont agree with once a cheater always a cheater. I mean, I can agree if someone cheated on you and you dont trust them again, but another to hold someones past against them.

 

I cheated on my ex husband, and even though I fell apart and told him the second I lay eyes on him, even though I knew he had been cheating on me, even though its been over 10 years, I still feel guilty about it and would never do it to anyone again. Ever. I even still felt pangs of guilt the first time I slept with someone after my ex-bf and I broke up a year ago, because I still had feelings for him. I dont know, the whole thing just affected me in a huge way that quite honestly I wish I could get over cause I dont think I should still be feeling so guilty about it so many years later!

[samsungxoxo]

It's pointless because they can cheat anyways if they're selfish or don't love you at all... well not in the right way.

This is similar to always putting ''Do Not Smoke'' signs everyone you go. Do you think the smokers will stop their behaviors forever and that it will make a difference? LOL

Secondly, the person you're dating can be wondering where is this all coming from or start thinking you don't trust them enough to be in a relationship in the first place.

Lastly, the person might leave you if you never that on the first date or so. He/she might think you're weird or got issues....

 

If I were starting to date a man and all of the sudden (out of no where) he starts an hour conversation on cheating and trust or talks about his how he was cheated on and it affecting him, then I would be running down the hill. I wouldn't want to date someone with luggage nor one who questions too much..

Edited November 3, 2010 by samsungxoxo

[nikayla]

Cheating isn't a mistake and shouldn't be tolerated by man or woman.

 

I also dump people who have cheated on their ex boyfriends, before. I usually come to know about it.

 

I think once a cheater always a cheater.

 

Harkkam:

 

I urge you to consider the circumstances. I emotionally cheated on my first boyfriend because he was manipulative, cold, and abusive...yet, it seemed easier to cheat than walk away from his security. I was honest about the situation with my current boyfriend and let's just say--two years going strong. I believe cheating is not an if-else statement; rather, it is mosaic and-in many cases- gradual like anything else in life.

 

And I pose this question to you: are you sure you ALWAYS come to know about it? There are many cunning cheaters out there.

[D-Lish]

If I met a guy for a date and he went off about this, I'd immediately assume he's bitter and that would be a red flag for me.

 

It would conjur up images of jealousy issues, and just issues in general.

 

A guy that rants about such a thing is the kind of guy that's going to want to put me on a short leash- instant turn off.

[PegNosePete]

If I met a guy for a date and he went off about this, I'd immediately assume he's bitter and that would be a red flag for me.

Yep same here.

 

I don't see any reason to point out the obvious, ie. "cheat on me and you're dumped". It doesn't need stating. Anyone with any moral fibre whatsoever will already know that if they cheat, they will be dumped; and by my other actions I will show that I am no doormat.

[TheMENemy]

What is worse--

 

Dating someone who previously cheated, or

 

Someone who doesn't start cheating until after they start dating you?

 

Every cheater has to start somewhere.

 

No one is immune.

 

I'm always happy to pour some more paranoia on your cornflakes.

[samsungxoxo]

Yep same here.

 

I don't see any reason to point out the obvious, ie. "cheat on me and you're dumped". It doesn't need stating. Anyone with any moral fibre whatsoever will already know that if they cheat, they will be dumped; and by my other actions I will show that I am no doormat.

I think the poster is trying to reaffirm the person that he/she will get dumped if they cheat because not everyone does that. Certain people actually forgive and stay with the cheater... working it out.

Still.... it's pointless ranting about this on a date.

[ReturnToSender]

Why stop with cheating though... If one is going to express the ramifications of cheating like that, then may as well explain their stance on abuse and will file charges if a guy ever lay a hand on her, and be sure to make it clear what would happen if hes ever caught in a lie, might be a good idea to have him sign a relationship non-disclosure agreement, along with stipulations of what is expected and required of him, oh and it wouldnt hurt to have a lawyer present.

 

Seriously though, no matter what you lay out, hes going to say what you want to hear and move it along. Its not as if hes going to say, oooh youre one of those women who *dont* like cheaters..well dang it was nice knowing you...

[carhill]

Potential question: 'how do you feel about polyamory and open relationships?'

[harmfulsweetz]

I don't see the point in it. It's a given that in exclusive relationships, you don't cheat. And if you do, you get dumped. Telling someone this isn't going to stop them cheating and they won't give a reaction that would suggest they would cheat anyway. They'll say precisely what they want you to hear and what you want to hear.

 

Let's get real here-no one wants to be with someone who on a date, paranoidly, mentions that they will not accept cheating. It just paves the way for more obsessive, paranoid, bitter thinking and actions. One of my exes was cheated on for six months prior to dating me. On our first date, (and I wish I'd left then) he said he would kill me if I did the same thing. Throughout our relationship, he was paranoid. Over everything, and it came out in ways of checking my phone, turning up unannounced on my doorstep, yelling down the phone at my friend when I was with her, eventually, it landed me in an abusive relationship. Point is, paranoia and jealousy and trust issues are the key excuse for abuse-it's like the get out of jail free card for it. My rule is, if a guy thinks I'm cheating on him when I'm not, he'll think that regardless to what I say. There's not a whole lot you can say to a guy like that.

 

I'm not saying you shouldn't make boundaries clear, but you're reprimanding people before you've even got out of the start gate. You're placing this expectation that everyone is a cheater, when in actual fact, they aren't. I say the rule should be: "usual boundaries apply: no abuse, physical or otherwise, no cheating, etc etc." It's kind of the unspoken rules of a relationship, they don't need saying. Trust me, if every person who had this line told them, left, they'd be better off. Nobody wants to be with someone who is paranoid from the off.

[harmfulsweetz]

What is worse--

 

Dating someone who previously cheated, or

 

Someone who doesn't start cheating until after they start dating you?

 

Every cheater has to start somewhere.

 

No one is immune.

 

I'm always happy to pour some more paranoia on your cornflakes.

 

 

:lmao: Gotta say I loved this line.

[loverofloveandstuff]

Why stop with cheating though... If one is going to express the ramifications of cheating like that, then may as well explain their stance on abuse and will file charges if a guy ever lay a hand on her, and be sure to make it clear what would happen if hes ever caught in a lie, might be a good idea to have him sign a relationship non-disclosure agreement, along with stipulations of what is expected and required of him, oh and it wouldnt hurt to have a lawyer present.

 

Yeah, I agree with this. Why only cheating? If you want to be REALLY thorough you should write everything that you won't put up with on paper, hand it to him and make him read and sign to be eligible to go on any further dates with you.

 

If I went on a date with a guy and he started talking about how he would break up with my if I ever cheated on him, I would be annoyed rather than impressed. This is common sense and to even suggest that I would cheat would piss me off.

[loverofloveandstuff]

It's like going to a job interview for a hospitality/retail job and your employer telling you 'if you steal any money from the till, you will be fired.' Please.

[ReturnToSender]

The more I read this discussion, the more I realize maybe its not a bad idea! If someone feels compelled to lay out stipulations and such like this, that would be a huge help in weeding out people with trust issues, controlling behavior and all the "fun stuff" that comes with it. I woudlnt mind dodging that bullet!

[harkkam]

Well spin it however you like, there are people out there who think you are weak. It's not about impressing anyone really. It's about letting them know you wont be accepting such behavior and be weak and give in to them by using stupid lines like "I'm sorry it was a mistake" and you don't talk about this on the first date.

 

Plus nobody is insisting that you are a cheater in anyway shape or form because you're talking about what you will accept and won't.

 

Sure you could talk about abuse make a whole list, but cheating tends to be a bigger issue that partners think that if they cry and beg they can have their SO back.

 

If you want to turn this around and make this about my insecurity, go right ahead because I would be just as lucky to have dogged the bullet when I realized how good at twisting and getting totally different meanings from what is being said.

[2sure]

Unless we were having the "exclusive" talk...I think it would be kind of bizarre to bring up.

[harkkam]

Unless we were having the "exclusive" talk...I think it would be kind of bizarre to bring up.

 

Yes of course its common sense. Otherwise if your not exclusive cheating has no place in the conversation.

[harkkam]

The reason the answer isn't important is that a cunning person like always stated will tell you what you want to hear. They know what you want to hear, the point is to let them know at some point that they may have dated those who had no backbone and let them slide but it's not happening here

[harkkam]

The more I read this discussion, the more I realize maybe its not a bad idea! If someone feels compelled to lay out stipulations and such like this, that would be a huge help in weeding out people with trust issues, controlling behavior and all the "fun stuff" that comes with it. I woudlnt mind dodging that bullet!

 

Well I wouldn't mind dodging the bullet on a cheater either. Works both ways