Threesomes and an unconventional relationship- sexually progressive or idiotic??

[tinuviel19]

This man, "Jake", is fantastic--romantic, funny, intelligent, talented, and amazing in bed. We've been together for a year. We are inseparable and spend every night and most of our free time together; there are definitely sparks to spare between us. We just enjoy hanging out in each others company, we eat dinner together, work out, go grocery shopping, spend time with each other's families, watch movies, and have some great bedroom sessions (the best I've ever had)

 

We are not, however, in an official relationship. We are not 'boyfriend & girlfriend'. Jake and I met when he was just going through a painful separation from his wife; he was a trainwreck. There was an instant connection between us, but we agreed to be just friends. Over time, chemistry steamrolled that friendship into something more, both physically and emotionally. It wasn't planned, but we ended up 'not-a-couple' who act alot like a couple. We are 'dating but single'. He has told me he loves me. Still, the divorce papers were just filed, and he doesn't think it's a good idea to go straight into another serious relationship. I reluctantly have to agree. He'd been with his ex since he was 18, so I understand the need to take a breath, experience being single and independent. I think it's an emotionally healthy, smart, and necessary choice for him.

 

Sometimes all of this is difficult for me. I am now completely in love with him, and I want a for-real, for-serious boyfriend, with commitment and love. He is a kind, smart, sexy partner who would be perfect but is emotionally unavailable. He has always been honest and up front with me about this, and it has been my choice to be with him anyway. I think we're both enjoying each other's company so much that we choose to just live in the moment. I don't regret this; I wouldn't want to miss out on the life experiences I've had with him. But clearly it can't be a permanent set-up like this.

 

 

Now that his divorce paperwork is being filed, and he is truly "single", he is feeling the urge to experience that, and I can't blame him. He was devastated and insecure after their breakup, and I think any therapist would tell him to go out and date. I can see he is genuinely conflicted and sad over the prospect of losing me. We have agreed that flirting with other people is okay, but nothing more, yet. He's suggested the idea of a threesome as a way to be young and sexually adventurous together. He's open to MMF and FFM, and has done both in the past with his ex. I think he and his ex decided to try threesomes as a way to deal with the challenges of being a long term monogamous couple at such a young age, which sounds kind of smart and sexually progressive but then again, their relationship fell apart.

 

A MMF might be exciting, but we don't know anyone, yet, that we would try it with. Another woman joining us, however, is a very real possibility and we know a few 'candidates'. On the one hand, I already have insecurities about our unusual relationship, and the one time we did fool around with another girl (a good friend of mine, just making out, no sex), I disliked seeing him kissing another woman. So I have some reservations about feeling insecure, threatened, or jealous.

 

On the other hand, I'm open to bi-curious experimentation, I've flirted, danced with, and made out with girls in the past, although I don't have any strong sexual urges towards them. I figure you're only young once, and I like being open-minded, experimenting, and trying new sexual experiences. I think if I could stop overthinking it, (with a small amount of alcohol), it might be an exciting experience involving my partner and a beautiful woman. I think I might regret not trying it. You only live once, right?

 

Jake has said he doesn't want to pressure me, and if I wasn't into it, it'd be fine. Although I feel some invisible pressure, since his extremely bi-sexual ex was very into threesomes. I said I was intrigued, though, and now there are some plans for this weekend with a mutual aquaintance that we've been flirting with, and it could easily turn into a threesome. His eyes light up when he talks about it. I do think this could be a good way to deal with his need to feel sexually adventurous and desirable while not losing what we have.

 

He is very sexually giving and attentive to what turns me on and what I want, this is one of the reasons I say he's the best partner I've had. He definitely wants to try a MMF, with no sexual contact between the men, because he thinks it will be extremely exciting for me (it probably would be ). I want to be able to do the same for him, and to be equally open minded and giving. And it might be damn exciting for me, too.

 

Obviously I'm conflicted. Any thoughts or advice from people who have gone down this path, or decided not to?

[ReturnToSender]

Hrmm.. I dont consider it either sexually progressive or idiotic. Its just something thats out there that some people do.

 

I was in a swinging relationship with a guy for several years at one time, we werent romantically involved though, like you and your guy there was no commitment between us, but we were completely honest with each other (no reason to lie afterall) and had a lot of fun adventures between us.

 

When I met my ex, I was open with him about it and he seemed interested in doing something like that with me, since he also was in a relationship like that before, but as we got more serious, he wasnt totally comfortable with the idea and we never went there, which didnt bother me, its not like something I *have* to do, just something Im open to and can have fun with if my guy is into it too.

 

I guess basically, if both are into it, no big deal...as long as theres open and honest communication. But if theres hesitation and uncertainty, dont worry about it...shouldnt be a big deal. No fun in something you may end up feeling bad about or regret.

[sally4sara]

You were treated with honesty along the way and at some point, you developed feelings despite all the hurdles in the way of having what you consider a committed serious relationship with this man. It happens.

 

But what I see you doing here is stuffing down your wants and preferences while making more and more adjustments to your own standards and comfort levels in order to stay with this guy. The sex is good, the company is pleasant, but your comfort levels keep getting reshaped. You're judgment has become what I call "fk fogged".

 

Think of the kind of relationship you idealize. Not the one you are considering now, but the one you held before you met this man. Did it involve the things this man is now wanting you to participate in? If not, why not?

 

And beyond that, if you go ahead and keep stretching your boundaries and standards to make room for his and you do take part in the group sex and what not - what if the relationship fails? Will you still be okay with having participated in these kind of sexual interactions? Or will you only be okay with it if it nets you this man in a serious relationship with all the trimmings you wanted when you met him?

 

The moment you begin to use sex to get something else you want, you set yourself up for disappointment.

[Phateless]

This man, "Jake", is fantastic--romantic, funny, intelligent, talented, and amazing in bed. We've been together for a year. We are inseparable and spend every night and most of our free time together; there are definitely sparks to spare between us. We just enjoy hanging out in each others company, we eat dinner together, work out, go grocery shopping, spend time with each other's families, watch movies, and have some great bedroom sessions (the best I've ever had)

 

We are not, however, in an official relationship. We are not 'boyfriend & girlfriend'. Jake and I met when he was just going through a painful separation from his wife; he was a trainwreck. There was an instant connection between us, but we agreed to be just friends. Over time, chemistry steamrolled that friendship into something more, both physically and emotionally. It wasn't planned, but we ended up 'not-a-couple' who act alot like a couple. We are 'dating but single'. He has told me he loves me. Still, the divorce papers were just filed, and he doesn't think it's a good idea to go straight into another serious relationship. I reluctantly have to agree. He'd been with his ex since he was 18, so I understand the need to take a breath, experience being single and independent. I think it's an emotionally healthy, smart, and necessary choice for him.

 

Sometimes all of this is difficult for me. I am now completely in love with him, and I want a for-real, for-serious boyfriend, with commitment and love. He is a kind, smart, sexy partner who would be perfect but is emotionally unavailable. He has always been honest and up front with me about this, and it has been my choice to be with him anyway. I think we're both enjoying each other's company so much that we choose to just live in the moment. I don't regret this; I wouldn't want to miss out on the life experiences I've had with him. But clearly it can't be a permanent set-up like this.

 

 

Now that his divorce paperwork is being filed, and he is truly "single", he is feeling the urge to experience that, and I can't blame him. He was devastated and insecure after their breakup, and I think any therapist would tell him to go out and date. I can see he is genuinely conflicted and sad over the prospect of losing me. We have agreed that flirting with other people is okay, but nothing more, yet. He's suggested the idea of a threesome as a way to be young and sexually adventurous together. He's open to MMF and FFM, and has done both in the past with his ex. I think he and his ex decided to try threesomes as a way to deal with the challenges of being a long term monogamous couple at such a young age, which sounds kind of smart and sexually progressive but then again, their relationship fell apart.

 

A MMF might be exciting, but we don't know anyone, yet, that we would try it with. Another woman joining us, however, is a very real possibility and we know a few 'candidates'. On the one hand, I already have insecurities about our unusual relationship, and the one time we did fool around with another girl (a good friend of mine, just making out, no sex), I disliked seeing him kissing another woman. So I have some reservations about feeling insecure, threatened, or jealous.

 

On the other hand, I'm open to bi-curious experimentation, I've flirted, danced with, and made out with girls in the past, although I don't have any strong sexual urges towards them. I figure you're only young once, and I like being open-minded, experimenting, and trying new sexual experiences. I think if I could stop overthinking it, (with a small amount of alcohol), it might be an exciting experience involving my partner and a beautiful woman. I think I might regret not trying it. You only live once, right?

 

Jake has said he doesn't want to pressure me, and if I wasn't into it, it'd be fine. Although I feel some invisible pressure, since his extremely bi-sexual ex was very into threesomes. I said I was intrigued, though, and now there are some plans for this weekend with a mutual aquaintance that we've been flirting with, and it could easily turn into a threesome. His eyes light up when he talks about it. I do think this could be a good way to deal with his need to feel sexually adventurous and desirable while not losing what we have.

 

He is very sexually giving and attentive to what turns me on and what I want, this is one of the reasons I say he's the best partner I've had. He definitely wants to try a MMF, with no sexual contact between the men, because he thinks it will be extremely exciting for me (it probably would be ). I want to be able to do the same for him, and to be equally open minded and giving. And it might be damn exciting for me, too.

 

Obviously I'm conflicted. Any thoughts or advice from people who have gone down this path, or decided not to?

 

I don't see this ending well... you've stated that you're already having trouble with the unclear relationship you have with this guy and I think that's a very unsafe environment in which to experiment with threesomes.

 

Honestly it sounds to me like you're willing to try anything to hold on to this guy. Can you honestly tell me there's no truth to that statement?

 

Have you and Jake had a detailed conversation on time frames? Do you know roughly how long he expects you to wait before he can give a commitment? Do you know long YOU can wait before getting that commitment?

 

At some point you have to decide that it's time to make a decision. It doesn't sound like you've reached that point yet but might not be a bad idea to think about where that point is, even if you don't discuss it with him.

 

At this point I just sense that a threesome would make you VERY insecure.

[sally4sara]

Another thing is never forget that this Jake, is just another guy and not the only guy on Earth. The right partner for you won't have so many previously unconsidered hoops to jump through. If you participate in these sexual interactions, do it because they are experiences you want whether you end up with Jake in the end or not.

 

And have the courage to leave this situation if you don't actually want to do these things. Losing out on Jake could very well end up being the best thing that ever happened to you. Never forget what it is you'd love to be able to give a relationship - for the right partner.