Sirenn Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 This is the first time I've posted here, but I love this site. I am hoping that some of you can give me your insight on why my BF just broke up with me. We have known each other for more than 8 years and have always been pretty good friends. During that time, I got married and divorced, and when my divorce was being finalized, he revealed to me that he had been in love with me for all those years, but was afraid to tell me. We started dating just before my divorce was finalized and have been seriously involved for almost a year. It's been a little rocky. He's never been married, and the longest realtionship he's had lasted for only 2 years, even though he is 40 years old. Since he's been a bachelor for so long, he was kind of set in his ways, but throughout the relationship he repeatedly told me that he wanted us to work out long-term and that the relationship was the most important thing in his life. Well, a couple of weeks ago, he had a friend come in town who stayed with him at his home. I didn't really see him much during that time, and he was acting very distant. When I tried talking to him about it, he said that he wanted us to get together to talk when he had some time. When we got together, he basically told me that my wanting to talk about issues made him uncomfortable and made him feel bad about himself. Then he basically broke up with me. I was totatlly unprepared and shocked, but I said okay. I texted him the next day saying that I was sorry it didn't work out and that I hoped he found what he was looking for. His response confused me even more. He basically texted me back saying that he loved me more than anyone and that the breakup had devastated him. He said that he wanted us to be friends if he could "ever stop crying" about what happened and that he would always love me. Today, I sent him an email saying that I am confused, because it was my understanding that he wanted to end it. To that he responded "I feel bad because I love you with more depth than I have ever felt, but can't stand the way I feel when I disappoint you." He said he didn't know if he was strong enough to deal with the feelings that came up when he disappointed me. Then he added "I thought I was doing us a favor because I thought you were unhappy, and I want nothing more than for you to be happy." Am I being played? I don't know how to respond to that. I mean, if he was so concerned about disappointing me, then why would he cause me the ultimate disappointment by dumping me? I wasn't ready to call it quits completely. I had fallen in love with him. But, I guess there is nothing I can do that will make this any better. I mean, if he wants out, he wants out, right? Is he just sparing my feelings or is he really that in love with me? Does it even matter, since he left? I'm so confused. Thank you for any insight that you might be able to offer!!
quankanne Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 sounds like he's emotionally immature – not in a rude or mean sense, but hasn't "toughened" up to a point where he understands that "talking" doesn't necessarily mean something bad, it just means clearer communication, you know? a quick question: Is the friend who visited him male or female? And does this person hold that kind of sway over him to make him second-guess what he wants from life? normally I'd say, give the guy his space before talking with him, but in this case it's prolly better to draw him out to see what this is *really* about. Did he do something he feels guilty about? Is there some kind of conflict with having a relationship with you and something else he desires? Is someone controlling him? NOT that you want to ask him the last two questions just yet! maybe the best thing to do is let him know you're on the same page with your feelings of love, but you're not sure what's going on and that y'all need to figure it out before calling it quits or just demoting it to a friendship. If possible, look for relationship-building exercises that focus on healthy, strong communication ... I think it could benefit him greatly!
Capital P Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Sounds to me like he is seeing someone else. But he isnt over your relationship so is keeping you there for his emotional validation incase this one doesnt work. Its not normal to do that for no reason
Author Sirenn Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 (edited) Hi! Thank you for your thoughts on this. His response to criticism is reminiscent to that of a child being punished, so you make a good point about the maturity thing. The friend is a guy whom he has known for many years. He has a really bad relationship history. He is like 34, but has never been in a long-term relationship with a woman. I wondered if he might be gay, but my BF said he is just critical of women. Edited November 1, 2010 by Sirenn
quankanne Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 ah ... look up any post by Woggle, who has a toxic friend who spouts some horrible stuff about women and ANY progress the poor fellow has made in trusting women is sabotaged. What's sad is that these friends don't realize what they're doing, or how it affects the other person's life ... and if your guy's friend was airing any beefs or doubts, I'm sure it's made some kind of impact on him. as for the other ... no matter how steady someone appears to be, you never really know just HOW much until you get into a close personal relationship with them and you're pretty much forced to face situations as they arise. For the longest time, my husband seemed to think that happiness and smooth times were equated with love, and when those things were lacking, something was seriously wrong with us, and those ugly doubts about what he could "give" me would rear in his little redneck mind ... until we got ourselves to a marriage enrichment retreat, which helped identify the bottom line (love is the wellspring of the relationship) and how it doesn't change, and that "needing to talk" doesn't necessarily mean "YOU'RE IN TROUBLE BUCKO!" :laugh: I can't stress enough how important it is to be on the same page when it comes to communicating with your partner, because knowing that there's a foundation that can't be messed with makes a huge difference in how you handle situations that come up. And it sounds like your honey would benefit from something like this, so that he understands that the two of you are solid, and that you're not going to hate him forever just because you're having a bad moment. Again, it's an emotional maturity thing. With my husband, it was the battle scars from two broken marriages and him finally understanding that I wasn't them ...
Author Sirenn Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Thank you so much! Your advice was right on (and really funny "his little redneck mind" LOL!!). I sent him an e-mail explaining that he really wasn't doing me any favors by breaking up with me, and he said he wanted to meet to talk. I am going to think about what you've said about communication. You're so right...without that, there really is no foundation. And, I might steal your quote: "needing to talk" doesn't necessarily mean "YOU'RE IN TROUBLE BUCKO!" Well said and so true!!
Tincup Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I also agree with the post above. My ex and I broke up a month ago. I NEVER felt like we had a solid foundation at all. My ex had been through a lot with prior relationships and carried around a ton of baggage. Because of this baggage I never felt as though we had a solid foundation. Any "wrong" move on my part would cause her to break up with me. And when I say wrong move I am talking about little things like she had a day off work and I didn't offer to have lunch with her (due to a prior doctors appt). So don't under estimate someone who doesn't feel like there is a solid foundation. If you love this guy than he might need to know that he is on solid ground.
quankanne Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 We are back together! =] YEA!!!! If you love this guy then he might need to know that he is on solid ground. This is sooooo true ... your partner (and yourself) have got to have that knowledge if things are to work out for the relationship, so that one or the other of you don't freak when little glitches come up. as for being in trouble ... I tell DH that he'll KNOW when he's done something wrong because I will TELL him :laugh: (okay, so it doesn't happen that often, but I *do* think it helps him distinguish from the times he thinks he's done something bad and when he really does chap my hide) ...
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