tkgirl Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 but guys, feel free to chime in too... like I could stop you here's my question: girls... have you ever felt that when you had to do most of the "chasing" it actually work out? It seems these days that guys almost expect us to be more assertive or whatever but there's a fine line in showing we are interested and chasing. I myself want a man to be a man.. if he's interested in me, then he should call me first etc. if I feel like he can't step up in the beginning then I take it as he's not that interested and I'm not going to waste my time worrying about it. I dunno... maybe as I get "older" I see that life is just too short. I don't want to play games and I don't want to "chase" a guy... thoughts?
Star Gazer Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I've never had a relationship where I chased in the initial stages (dates 1-3) work out. Ever.
Sarah1977 Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 My theory is I always assume a man isn't attracted to me unless he starts to pursue me. On the flip side of that, I don't play head games. So if I'm into a guy who is pursuing me, I will let him know straight up.
Tim The Enchanter Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I'm not into playing games. If there is chemistry between two people, they shouldn't hold back from communicating because of some pre-conceived idea over who should call who. That's the way it's worked for me so far.
tigressA Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 When I had to do most of the "chasing", it never worked out. In those situations, it eventually became clear that the guy just was not interested enough to sustain anything. Every. Single. Time. No exceptions. By chasing, I mean being the one to initiate conversation via any medium (though not every day, of course), and being the one to ask about getting together. They would be pretty good about returning my efforts at contact but they would always seem rather lackluster, and of course they would "already have plans...I'll call you next week..." and the call would never come.
quankanne Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 it's all part of that romance dance, and frankly, it sucks. But it pays off when you're really interested in someone!
waynebrady Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I'm a guy but I think it should be 50/50 otherwise if the woman is never initiating contact I will take it that she is not that intrested. Thing is though, the vast majority of all women expect the man to do ALL the initiating and do ALL the work and chase all the time just because that's the traditional way... give me a break ladies, if that's how it's gonna be then why don't you cook for your man every time? clean his clothes? do all the house chores? and all other traditonal things women used to do in like the... 50's? Women with their double standards.... And I'm never going to chase a woman either no matter how intrested I am because way I see it... If a woman was really intrested she wouldn't make me have to chase her
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I will never chase or follow up on a guy who hasn't shown equal or higher interest in me. Girls will not always contact a guy who she is interested in. Guys usually will. That's why, if I ever had to chase a guy, I would have reason to believe that the guy was just not that into me. There is no point in being interested in a guy who does not reciprocate the feelings. You just end up becoming a doormat.
Author tkgirl Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 I'm a guy but I think it should be 50/50 otherwise if the woman is never initiating contact I will take it that she is not that intrested. Thing is though, the vast majority of all women expect the man to do ALL the initiating and do ALL the work and chase all the time just because that's the traditional way... give me a break ladies, if that's how it's gonna be then why don't you cook for your man every time? clean his clothes? do all the house chores? and all other traditonal things women used to do in like the... 50's? Women with their double standards.... And I'm never going to chase a woman either no matter how intrested I am because way I see it... If a woman was really intrested she wouldn't make me have to chase her exactly my point! your reason for not wanting to chase a girl is the exact same reason I don't want to chase any guy... wow, go figure! but yeah, if two people are mutually interested in each other then it shouldn't be an issue and 50/50 effort will suffice. I'm talking about where the guy is eh.. lukewarm and some women think that if they pursue him enough it will pay off... I think this is rare though... IME guys don't like to be chased...
In The Green Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Chasing the guy has never worked for me and it ruins the whole process for me anyway. I'm not wired like a guy, I don't get a great feeling even if they say yes - instead I feel terrible. I guess in this respect I am wired very traditionally in the respect that I want to be wanted in the beginning. Now friends/family give me the line that its 2010 and I should just ask him out, etc. Yet I remember with absolutely clarity every male friend or family member that told me about some new girl they were head over heels for. These guys made crazy efforts to make it happen and in their cases had very good results. However my point is that they felt a strong connection and pursued her. You should have seen their faces how they lit up when talking about them, who doesn't want to have a guy look like that when talking about them? These are also the same guys who when talking about other girls they formally dated " Yeah its going well, she's a nice girl. " or " Its alright, we have fun." Totally mellow and laid back - bordering on uninterested. Not inspiring. I'm willing to go all out with effort after the guy has done the initial asking, its something I deep down don't want to budge on.
Author tkgirl Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 it's all part of that romance dance, and frankly, it sucks. But it pays off when you're really interested in someone! so has it worked for you then?
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Chasing the guy has never worked for me and it ruins the whole process for me anyway. I'm not wired like a guy, I don't get a great feeling even if they say yes - instead I feel terrible. I guess in this respect I am wired very traditionally in the respect that I want to be wanted in the beginning. Exactly! I want a guy to want me. It makes me feel sexy and good about myself. If I did the chasing I would have doubts... You're naturally more attracted to people who you know are attracted to you (so I hear) so that probably has something to do with it.
waynebrady Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 exactly my point! your reason for not wanting to chase a girl is the exact same reason I don't want to chase any guy... wow, go figure! but yeah, if two people are mutually interested in each other then it shouldn't be an issue and 50/50 effort will suffice. I'm talking about where the guy is eh.. lukewarm and some women think that if they pursue him enough it will pay off... I think this is rare though... IME guys don't like to be chased... If a woman is lukewarm it won't pay off for the guy to pursue her either. Becayse the dynamic I think won't change. If a man has to chase the woman in the beggining then it will never change, the man will always like the woman more than the woman likes the man... And why would I as a man want to be with a woman who doesn't want me as much as I want her?
carhill Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 So far in life, any romantic interactions with women have been due to my proactive efforts. The only women who have ever 'chased' me have been married ones looking for an ego feed, hence not a relationship. Would a woman feel more comfortable approaching a man she finds attractive who is not obviously 'hitting' on other women? A guy who takes more of a neutral stance? Why? Would she feel more or less compelled/interested if other women were also approaching that man? Why?
Jannah Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 but guys, feel free to chime in too... like I could stop you here's my question: girls... have you ever felt that when you had to do most of the "chasing" it actually work out? It seems these days that guys almost expect us to be more assertive or whatever but there's a fine line in showing we are interested and chasing. I myself want a man to be a man.. if he's interested in me, then he should call me first etc. if I feel like he can't step up in the beginning then I take it as he's not that interested and I'm not going to waste my time worrying about it. I dunno... maybe as I get "older" I see that life is just too short. I don't want to play games and I don't want to "chase" a guy... thoughts? I did this with someone who was initially a blind date through mutual friends, someone I've posted about on here before. He initiated most of the phone calls and texts pretty much on a daily basis and "hinted" about going out on dates in the future. I planned the first date, planned the subsequent dates and made the initial physical moves. I do not think there is anything wrong with a woman being assertive, some men will respond favorably to it, others won't. Granted, if you are constantly flirting with him and dropping hints and he's not calling you and/or asking you out, then that changes things a bit.
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 If a woman is lukewarm it won't pay off for the guy to pursue her either. Becayse the dynamic I think won't change. If a man has to chase the woman in the beggining then it will never change, the man will always like the woman more than the woman likes the man... And why would I as a man want to be with a woman who doesn't want me as much as I want her? Not true in my experience. Many of the guys I have dated I wasn't really interested in the beginning. They had to persist and if they didn't I probably would've never gone out with them at all. Some of them, I stayed disinterested in, some of they I became more interested in and one of them I grew to love.
waynebrady Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Exactly! I want a guy to want me. It makes me feel sexy and good about myself. If I did the chasing I would have doubts... You're naturally more attracted to people who you know are attracted to you (so I hear) so that probably has something to do with it. Women don't seem to be able to understand that men also want to feel wanted. If the woman never initiates contact and makes me do all the work, then I'll move on because I want the woman to want me aswell... and show it. But to women it's always a one way street, they want the man to initiate contact everytime, they want the man to do all the chasing and make them feel wanted... But they don't want to reciprocate any of it.
Author tkgirl Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 If a woman is lukewarm it won't pay off for the guy to pursue her either. Becayse the dynamic I think won't change. If a man has to chase the woman in the beggining then it will never change, the man will always like the woman more than the woman likes the man... And why would I as a man want to be with a woman who doesn't want me as much as I want her? WB... I get that guys don't like to chase either... and frankly, when a guy keeps chasing me and I'm not interested, it's a turn-off. I'm thinking it's the same with guys... and that's what I was curious about... roles reversed, girl chases lukewarm guy, and did it work? I just see it on here a lot lately... girl is into guy who's clearly not interested and she does all kinds of stupid things to try to get it to change.. or becomes a total doormat or what they seem to like to call this guy's FWB and why won't he change... wah wah...
tigressA Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 WB... I get that guys don't like to chase either... and frankly, when a guy does chase me and I'm not interested, it's a turn-off. I'm thinking it's the same with guys... and that's what I was curious about... roles reversed, girl chases lukewarm guy, and did it work? I just see it on here a lot lately... girl is into guy who'd clearly not interested and she does all kinds of stupid things to try to get it to change.. or becomes a total doormat or what they seem to like to call this guy's FWB and why won't he change... wah wah... If there's a big disparity in feelings between two people...it won't work in a healthy way. Ever.
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Would a woman feel more comfortable approaching a man she finds attractive who is not obviously 'hitting' on other women? A guy who takes more of a neutral stance? Why? Absolutley. My 'potential' radar switches off when a guy is flirting with other girls. I would feel second (or third) best that he didn't pick me to hit on first and that is not a good feeling. Same thing about guy who are constantly talking about other women. I lose all interest. Would she feel more or less compelled/interested if other women were also approaching that man? Why? If many women were approaching the man and he wasn't reciprocating to any one girl in particular this would make the man more appealing to me. Other girls are showing interest in him so he must have something! A definite plus.This is what I would call a 'ladies man'.
Cee Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 From age 17-34, I always did the chasing. I was flirtatious and talkative and made sure they got my number. I always made sure they knew I was interested although I don't think I ever made the first call. I did the girlie flirting thing and fished for compliments. And I was wildly successful in getting boyfriends. If I really liked someone, he almost always became my boyfriend. But I was smart and didn't chase men who were arrogant, players, or jerks. They guys I liked tended to be the quieter ones in the crowd, but they were all extremely funny, good looking and smart. Fast forward to today (I'm 40). I decided to let men come to me and not chase them. I thought girlie flirting was demeaning and made me look desperate. Instead, I treated men as people and didn't try to get with them. Guess what happened? The women my age who are shamelessly flirting are getting boyfriends & I'm referred to as "one of the guys." I have more male friends than I can count, but haven't had a boyfriend in a long time. The consolation prize is that it's fun being one of the guys. I go out to bars and ball games & guys talk about stuff they wouldn't say around a "girl." The more I hang out with male friends, the more I've become like them. I just hope there's a man out there who wouldn't mind dating someone who looks like a woman, but acts like a guy. What do you think? Any takers?
Author tkgirl Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 If there's a big disparity in feelings between two people...it won't work in a healthy way. Ever. well put! it's really so simple but some of us just like to complicate things...
loverofloveandstuff Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Women don't seem to be able to understand that men also want to feel wanted. If the woman never initiates contact and makes me do all the work, then I'll move on because I want the woman to want me aswell... and show it. But to women it's always a one way street, they want the man to initiate contact everytime, they want the man to do all the chasing and make them feel wanted... But they don't want to reciprocate any of it. Wayne, I get that. It just seems as though persisting with a man who isn't interested or isn't interested enough just ends in heartbreak. For me, I've just ended up as a doormat and bootycall. I am all for reciprocating when I know that he is genuinely interested in me. I feel like there is more potential for a successful relationship when the guy chases the girl than vice versa. Could be wrong, but this is how it has worked for me. I probably haven't 'chased' enough (never have in the beginning) to get an accurate consensus...
Author tkgirl Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 From age 17-34, I always did the chasing. I was flirtatious and talkative and made sure they got my number. I always made sure they knew I was interested although I don't think I ever made the first call. I did the girlie flirting thing and fished for compliments. And I was wildly successful in getting boyfriends. If I really liked someone, he almost always became my boyfriend. But I was smart and didn't chase men who were arrogant, players, or jerks. They guys I liked tended to be the quieter ones in the crowd, but they were all extremely funny, good looking and smart. Fast forward to today (I'm 40). I decided to let men come to me and not chase them. I thought girlie flirting was demeaning and made me look desperate. Instead, I treated men as people and didn't try to get with them. Guess what happened? The women my age who are shamelessly flirting are getting boyfriends & I'm referred to as "one of the guys." I have more male friends than I can count, but haven't had a boyfriend in a long time. The consolation prize is that it's fun being one of the guys. I go out to bars and ball games & guys talk about stuff they wouldn't say around a "girl." The more I hang out with male friends, the more I've become like them. I just hope there's a man out there who wouldn't mind dating someone who looks like a woman, but acts like a guy. What do you think? Any takers? good on you! and I don't think what you did was "chasing" you like men and you let it be known... nothing wrong with that! Flirting is a fine art and if you can get it down you should never lose it... it sounds like right now you're more comfortable in the "buddy" role with men and maybe let some of your old flirty ways go... maybe you should try to get back some of it? I bet you'll find yourself a boyfriend in no time... and that probably some of these guy friends of yours might be interested but think that you're not interested in them? are you?
waynebrady Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Not true in my experience. Many of the guys I have dated I wasn't really interested in the beginning. They had to persist and if they didn't I probably would've never gone out with them at all. Some of them, I stayed disinterested in, some of they I became more interested in and one of them I grew to love. Maybe that's true but if I had to chase a woman and initiate all contact and put in all the effort I would ALWAYS have doubt's even if it went to a relationships. I would never get over the feeling that I like her alot more than she likes me unless she starts to initiate contact and put in as much effort as I do.
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