pureinheart Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I was married to a MM that I had an affair with. I was 19 and he was 31 when we started our affair. He almost immediately left his wife and filed for divorce. My MM and I got married two years later. The funny thing is, I knew for quite a while that I had fallen out of love with my MM. I was only 19! He had lived a life and was wanting to settle. I was a kid, and had very few relationships before him. So I stayed in our marriage for almost 10 years because I was too scared. I was scared that I would hurt him. He would often say to me "I left my marriage and my son for you." So guilt factored in as well. I felt obligated to be with him. Last year we got a divorce which was an incredibly painful thing for both of us. I wasted 10 years of both of our lives because I lacked the courage to say "I don't love you." If your MM is leaving his marriage for you be sure that he is the one for you. Be sure that you love him and will be with him, and no one else. Be sure that you have lived your life and are ready to settle, and that HE is the one. Because if you are having doubts now, then you better believe those feelings will resurface in the future. And it's not an easy feeling. It's hell, to say the least. In bold is emotional blackmail. OP- He can't blame you...he would be the one choosing to D... People can TRY to play all the word games, mind games they want, but facts are facts...there are absolutes.
Author Capris Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 I'm almost 30. Sometimes I do feel like his mother. Then I think, that's strange, because I'm so much younger than him, how could I be like his mother? He always says he needs my help and support and asks me for my opinion on things. He says he needs me here for him while he divorces. He gets clingy and needy and at times he has been immature and unrealistic. I say this, but then... he is so fun, much more fun than most guys I've dated around my age. He listens to me, understands me, and we connect on that level where we know what each other is doing without asking and we can finish each other's sentences. And of course the sex is amazing, the best ever. So I struggle with it because everyone has good and bad to their personalities. I was thinking his clingyness was a result of our situation but maybe it's a result of our age difference? Or both. I don't know. One thing I worry about is introducing him to my parents. They had me young, so he's older than my father. I wouldn't have picked for it to be this way (nor would he) but I don't know if I could have found this level of connection and attraction with anyone else so I didn't want to let age stand in the way. Maybe I was being naive. I'm questioning everything now. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. Well i didnt have a really good realtionship with him(not that he treated me bad, he was great, i was just too young to know what love was), so i am kind of negative with the age difference, i cant hide my dissaprovement on that. I can only share what came through my mind during and after the relationship. The one thing i thought was what drove me to have a relationship with an older man. I did have father issues. Same thing im thinking about my affair now.("cant have a relationship with such an age diffrence AND an A if you dont have daddy issues" is what i always laugh about ) I can just advise you to really think it through. Sometimes the harder things are to get, the more appealing they seem. When i was in that relationshiip, i didnt listen to anyone. My brother found out and told my aunt and uncle, they tried to break me up. I told them i broke up. I had almost 2 years to have a brother-sister relationship after that and i began hiding from everyone. Another thing that helped me think about hat i was in for was looking at 60 years old people. I couldnt imagine myself with that aged man. Of course, again, i wasnt really in love. A cousin of a cousin of mine married a guy with a 30 year old "gap". They have a child, he cant even play with him. Im sure you have dug up tons of stories similiar to this, i did when i was dating that guy..Yes some marriages work, but its not always good. One harsh thing they told me was "you may be a widow with a kid at 35 or 40." ouch. My answer always was, "yeah and a bus could kill me when i go to work tomorrow"... Im just saying, be sure you want to be with him, cause none of us would like you to have regrets about it. So maybe time off would be good for both of you. How? would love to know myself..im guessing just agree upon it. But again, i dont know how, or i wouldnt be in here Again some thoughts, and just my story. All stories are different, but sometimes the colors in between are what helps! Take care!!
mustmoveon Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Maravilla - I've been following your posts & haven't had time to have a "good write" as to your situation, BUT have you discussed children? If he has teenagers, is in his late 40's & has had ill health - does he want another family? Do you? I wouldn't want to shut that door just now. When I was 30 I was positive I didn't want children & I discovered not too much long after (mid to late 30's) that I did. You've never mentioned if you've had that talk. The other thing I think you need to realize that I have learned the very hard way & from friends who have "been there, done that" is that when you marry this man, you are also "marrying" and starting a life with his family, especially his kids. But you will also need to liase with his wifr from time-to-time with matters related to their children....i.e. who is picking the kids up? Grandparents! If you go to high school grad all thoae people will be there. How will you feel? OK? Comfortable? Or......help! What will be your role with respect to his children? I think you envision this fabulous life with him and that may be possible, but his family is coming along for the ride, no matter what you want! Will write more later. You're sounding better I'm happy to note!
maravilla Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Thanks mustmoveon, I'm gonna move your comment over to my thread since this is capris (we were discussing my situation ha ha but I don't want to get hers too off track. )
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