Happily never after?

[Capris]

Hi guys.

 

I just cant go on. I mean i can go on, i just want more. I tried to tell this to him, but he sort of avoided it. I just want HIM to go home to. Him to watch a movie with, him to say "hey its your turn to walk the dog", "where's the remote?!!"..

 

Ive never dreamt of a family till i met him. Now i want HIM. Noone else. Ive tried thinking of living with another guy, just to see how it would be but still, i dont want another guy, i want him.

 

I am open to other men, meaning if i ever see a guy i might like, i think about it. Bad thing is , i usually am a good judge of character and i am 99% on the spot.

We talked about it and we said, well we cant break up, we will end up together again. And those were my words, not his.

 

I know everyone involved in an A thinks its different then the others, so do i for my A. I also know the drill "leave and return only with the D papers in hand".

 

Im afraid to do "the drill" cause he will blame me afterwards. Im sure, though, he will do something if i leave, he always needs a push on things. I know its the right thing to do, but i just cant. I usually say to myself "it will happen when you are ready"...when is that??

 

He always says "i have a plan" but he never shares it with me. I think he wants to be with me but also doesnt want to give me false hopes. He wants to be with me but doesnt want to leave his family... I know, whats new? ...There really is a thin line between cowardness and responsibility.

 

Well i guess im just mumbling...

 

thanks for reading anywayz

[skywriter]

....and I feel the same as you.

 

You want all those things you mentioned and you deserve all those things.

 

If he's got you, and all those things that you are saying that you desire to have with him. How are you to ever acquire them, if you continue to settle?

[Capris]

True response, skywriter..

If i keep settling, nothing will happen. But how do you stop settling? I just cant..Have you done it?Any tips?

 

Thanks for your reply!

[quankanne]

But how do you stop settling? I just can't as my sister says, "There's no such thing as can't, just won't" ... meaning, you refuse to look at other alternatives even though there's a viable one out there

 

as for how to stop settling – stop selling yourself short. We aren't born to play second string, but meant to have the kind of love that's open and secure and ours alone when it comes to relationships. I realize you've got it in your head that this unavailable man is your destiny, but what if he's just a way-station along the way to your true destiny? By convincing yourself that it can only be him, you sell yourself short – and you sell short the person who is truly meant to be with you, all because you've got it in your head that you *must* be with someone who isn't fully available to you.

 

that's not to say that affairs don't sometimes work out – it's entirely possible. Just not very probable.

 

take a chance on yourself and walk away from the relationship so you can find where you're truly meant to be, and the person you're truly destined to be with.

[maravilla]

This isn't a snarky question...do you think he's being responsible to his family while he's not giving them his all?

 

I know my xMM spent so much time with me or talking to me, and when he couldn't be with me, he avoided being home as much as possible. He was not a productive member of that family at all. Even without the knowledge that he was cheating with another woman, they were very much being cheated of his time and attention. I don't think that's very responsible at all.

 

It used to grind me that he'd say he couldn't leave because of the children...that he couldn't imagine not being able to be with them whenever he wanted, yet he was rarely there. That never made sense to me, until I figured out it was not a sense of responsibility (as shown by his actions) but him being cowardley and not changing anything because he didn't HAVE to.

 

Like you said, you know the drill. If it were me, I'd ask his plan. I'd have to know the details and then see if it has any merit. If it's a "wait until X time or X has happened and THEN he'll leave" I assure you, your situation is not unique and follows the same script as the rest.

 

This is the same as with my (now separated) MM. He would spend all his time with me, instead of with his family. Now he's moved out and says he can spend more time with his kids now that he doesn't have to avoid being around his wife. It does seem true because he spends concentrated amounts of time with them. So I can see how separation/divorce can be much better for the kids than cheating and avoiding the spouse.

 

I also think sadintexas is right about a certain script. My MM is still following it because he's saying, once he moves in to a place with a permanent lease, once he opens his own accounts, etc. It seems that these are all valid excuses he intends to follow through with, but how can I really know?! In the meantime I'm open to get hurt if he decides he just can't go through with it. I guess there's really no good time to be an MM except for when he is divorced, or at least until you know he is positively on his way there-- his wife knows, he's doing everything in his power to move in that direction, etc. Before that, it's just heartache, and we're just settling. My MM is out of the house and I feel I'm settling more than ever... because the closer we get to being a real couple, the more I feel like I'm entitled to that or I don't want to be in a half-relationship.

 

But I know what you mean capris that it's hard to not settle. I want to walk away but I don't have the strength at the moment. I keep telling myself this is better than nothing, or better than it was before, and it's going to get better... deluding myself I guess, or at least keeping myself in pain until things are eventually the way that I want them to be. To me that's settling and I hate it and yet I do it. So I wish us both strength. I know we can do it if we put our minds to it.

[skywriter]

Well capris,

 

I've done well....then I've backslid.....then I've done well....then....well you get the picture.

 

So, I know what you mean and how you're feeling...

 

I know what I want though, LOL!

 

....and for meeting other men, nice men too! As a matter of fact, there's a man with great potential for the future and my mind is so distracted at times. I feel as though I'm not being fair to him.

 

It's hard, Capris', once you've gone down this path.

[jthorne]

Hi guys.

 

I just cant go on. I mean i can go on, i just want more. I tried to tell this to him, but he sort of avoided it. I just want HIM to go home to. Him to watch a movie with, him to say "hey its your turn to walk the dog", "where's the remote?!!"..

 

Ive never dreamt of a family till i met him. Now i want HIM. Noone else. Ive tried thinking of living with another guy, just to see how it would be but still, i dont want another guy, i want him.

How can you try living with another guy when you are with him?

 

I am open to other men, meaning if i ever see a guy i might like, i think about it. Bad thing is , i usually am a good judge of character and i am 99% on the spot.

No offense, but is this the 1% you were off?

We talked about it and we said, well we cant break up, we will end up together again. And those were my words, not his.

You can't break up something you are unhappy with just because you will return to it? So the herion addict should just keep shooting up just because he might relapse?

 

I know everyone involved in an A thinks its different then the others, so do i for my A. I also know the drill "leave and return only with the D papers in hand".

 

Im afraid to do "the drill" cause he will blame me afterwards.

He will blame you for seeking your own happiness?

Im sure, though, he will do something if i leave, he always needs a push on things. I know its the right thing to do, but i just cant. I usually say to myself "it will happen when you are ready"...when is that??

Ok, so he needs a push, so you purposely DON'T give it to him?

 

He always says "i have a plan" but he never shares it with me. I think he wants to be with me but also doesnt want to give me false hopes.

One doesn't mesh with the other.

He wants to be with me but doesnt want to leave his family...

One doesn't mesh with the other.

It's starting to sound like he wants the staus quo, and you don't know what you want?

 

I know, whats new? ...There really is a thin line between cowardness and responsibility.

 

Well i guess im just mumbling...

 

thanks for reading anywayz

I don't mean to offend you, but this is a very incongruent post.

 

Responses in bold.

Edited November 1, 2010 by jthorne

[Capris]

This isn't a snarky question...do you think he's being responsible to his family while he's not giving them his all?

 

I know my xMM spent so much time with me or talking to me, and when he couldn't be with me, he avoided being home as much as possible. He was not a productive member of that family at all. Even without the knowledge that he was cheating with another woman, they were very much being cheated of his time and attention. I don't think that's very responsible at all.

 

True, as you said it doesnt seem like responsibility but he thinks it is. He has known no other life. He knows deep down that his life "hasnt begun yet" cause he hasnt made the right decisions, but he thinks its responsible to stick to his family.

 

.....until I figured out it was not a sense of responsibility (as shown by his actions) but him being cowardley and not changing anything because he didn't HAVE to.

 

I guess that makes two of us settling...oh the irony..

 

If it's a "wait until X time or X has happened and THEN he'll leave" I assure you, your situation is not unique and follows the same script as the rest.

 

He has never promised a date nor an event. He is resonable enough to see what mess he has got into.

 

Yes, i know my A isnt much different at least at this point. Although it feels like that...doesnt them all ?

Anywayz... Im sure if i walk away things will get clearer...either he comes with or he stays with his family. Just dont know how to do it...

 

As some said ealier, its not can't, its won't...I do agree but its really hard for us, we work together, hang out together and well the only thing we dont do together is live together... Of course this means its just gonna be harder not impossible...

RQuestion is...Is there a time i just get fed up and walk away? or will i be like this forever?

 

Thank you all for your replies!

 

 

ps @sadintexas i read about your marriage!! Congrats!!!

Was it to your MM by the way?

[Capris]

How can you try living with another guy when you are with him?

 

Wrong use of words, my bad, i meant thinking of how would it be living with another person.

 

 

I am open to other men, meaning if i ever see a guy i might like, i think about it. Bad thing is , i usually am a good judge of character and i am 99% on the spot.

No offense, but is this the 1% you were off?

 

Yes it could be, but i'll truley know that at the end.

 

You can't break up something you are unhappy with just because you will return to it? So the herion addict should just keep shooting up just because he might relapse?

 

We did it once, we were both wrecked, we ended up together again. This doesnt mean its not right to try again,I agree. It was more like an effort to make us go ahead but we stayed in the same place again..

 

Im afraid to do "the drill" cause he will blame me afterwards.

He will blame you for seeking your own happiness?

 

I meant he will blame me for destroying his family if we ever ended up together after i "pushed him" with leaving... sorry for this confusion

 

Ok, so he needs a push, so you purposely DON'T give it to him?

 

yup. Well not purposely, but i just cant or wont either way its not happening..and its my fault :S

 

 

 

He always says "i have a plan" but he never shares it with me. I think he wants to be with me but also doesnt want to give me false hopes.

One doesn't mesh with the other. It's starting to sound like he wants the staus quo, and you don't know what you want?

 

They do when you are in this situation. As simple as it seems in words, when it comes to action, situations like this are hard as hell,everyone in here knows this.

Yes it does seem like he doesnt want to change anything sometimes, and i am coward enough to stand up for what i want.

 

No offence taken first cause i really dont know what "incongruent" is and second, english isnt my native language,well at least not my everyday language.

Thank you for your post, it is helpful.

[Capris]

I want to walk away but I don't have the strength at the moment. I keep telling myself this is better than nothing, or better than it was before, and it's going to get better... deluding myself I guess, or at least keeping myself in pain until things are eventually the way that I want them to be. To me that's settling and I hate it and yet I do it. So I wish us both strength. I know we can do it if we put our minds to it.

 

Exactly!What i am trying to do now is remind him that hey you know this isnt a "normal relationship"? He acts like it is. Im like: how the hell can i make a "jealousy scene" when i am who i am?? its like in his mind, its only me. Which is good, but not when in reality there is different life he goes to every night.

 

Maybe little by little, day by day, one line after the other, we'll build up the courage to stop settling without feeling like a bad person..

 

I wish you too , strength and a happy ending for you!! with or without your MM!

[maravilla]

Exactly!What i am trying to do now is remind him that hey you know this isnt a "normal relationship"? He acts like it is. Im like: how the hell can i make a "jealousy scene" when i am who i am?? its like in his mind, its only me. Which is good, but not when in reality there is different life he goes to every night.

 

Maybe little by little, day by day, one line after the other, we'll build up the courage to stop settling without feeling like a bad person..

 

I wish you too , strength and a happy ending for you!! with or without your MM!

 

I think being here posting on LoveShack helps. First we recognize the problem and then we can start to fix it. Where I'm at now is that I've realized I'm settling and that this relationship is less than what I want and deserve. That feels huge for me. Now I'm asking myself how do I get out of it without hurting him? Because I do love him but it's just not working for me. I want to tell him that while I'm waiting on him to get divorced, I'm not truly living my life. That's not necessarily his fault, and I know he will say, well just do your thing and see me when you can until we can truly be together... I know he will make compromises to keep me in his life... but that isn't what I really want either. I want a whole relationship, or to be on my own. So I'm going to just have to tell him that and it's so hard not to get sucked back in. I don't even know if I can do it but just thinking about it makes me realize there is a way out, I don't have to stay in this misery. I can take charge of my own life... but I just don't want to hurt him.

 

I guess for me my focus since coming to LoveShack has shifted from 'is this normal for a separated MM and how can I fight through this hard time to get to where we can really be together' to 'what do I really want... is it to be waiting around on separated MM to do what he says he wants to do?' to 'I know I don't want to be in this relationship like this anymore, but I need to have the courage to end it and I also feel so scared about hurting him.' That's where I'm at now and I've realized it's a process. I want to get there and be done with it. Now I feel like my MM: wanting something (to live in reality and be true to what I want, which right now means being apart from MM), but not having the courage or strength to take the steps (tell him I can't be with him and then follow through) to do it. So maybe I'm understanding his situation a little better. And I can't be mad at him for not doing what he says he wants if I can't either! Maybe he and I are just two messed up people clinging to each other for dear life.

 

Anyway, I think the fact that you're here talking about it is progress and the next step is making a decision about what you want and doing something about it. And now I really have to take my own advice!

[Capris]

Well capris,

 

I've done well....then I've backslid.....then I've done well....then....well you get the picture.

 

So, I know what you mean and how you're feeling...

 

I know what I want though, LOL!

 

....and for meeting other men, nice men too! As a matter of fact, there's a man with great potential for the future and my mind is so distracted at times. I feel as though I'm not being fair to him.

 

It's hard, Capris', once you've gone down this path.

 

Oh how i know...Good luck to you too skywriter!hang in there!

 

As for the men... seriously i dont meet nice men.If there was one man i thought i could do something with i'd probably forget all the "destiny" feeling these Affairs give us...But every single guy i meet isnt even close.

 

I do keep my mind open guys. I keep my eyes open too. Im not searching for another man, but im watching whats out there. At the beginning of the A i DID make him my life and did all those things a woman i would actual feel bad for, would do. Dump friends, dont go out cause he might call etc etc... Now im trying to rebuild my life. If he can follow, he will. If i find someone else, i

will go for it.

 

Thing is, even like this, things are getting better and better between us :/ or

 

arghhh

[Capris]

So maybe I'm understanding his situation a little better. And I can't be mad at him for not doing what he says he wants if I can't either! Maybe he and I are just two messed up people clinging to each other for dear life.

 

 

Oh so true words...im sooo in the same condition.

The worst is that ive lost trust in all relationships. I really dont believe someone can be faithful to anyone etc etc...that make sme jealous of my MM too and not with his wife..But thats a whole different story!

 

Thanks for the advice. Ive been here a few months back, but couldnt take it. Lets see how long i'll last second time round!

 

Take care!!

[maravilla]

Oh so true words...im sooo in the same condition.

The worst is that ive lost trust in all relationships. I really dont believe someone can be faithful to anyone etc etc...that make sme jealous of my MM too and not with his wife..But thats a whole different story!

 

Thanks for the advice. Ive been here a few months back, but couldnt take it. Lets see how long i'll last second time round!

 

Take care!!

 

You can do it. See, just coming back here means you want to change something. Now you can find the strength. You take care too!

[maravilla]

I was married to a MM that I had an affair with. I was 19 and he was 31 when we started our affair. He almost immediately left his wife and filed for divorce. My MM and I got married two years later. The funny thing is, I knew for quite a while that I had fallen out of love with my MM. I was only 19! He had lived a life and was wanting to settle. I was a kid, and had very few relationships before him. So I stayed in our marriage for almost 10 years because I was too scared. I was scared that I would hurt him. He would often say to me "I left my marriage and my son for you." So guilt factored in as well. I felt obligated to be with him. Last year we got a divorce which was an incredibly painful thing for both of us. I wasted 10 years of both of our lives because I lacked the courage to say "I don't love you."

If your MM is leaving his marriage for you be sure that he is the one for you. Be sure that you love him and will be with him, and no one else. Be sure that you have lived your life and are ready to settle, and that HE is the one. Because if you are having doubts now, then you better believe those feelings will resurface in the future. And it's not an easy feeling. It's hell, to say the least.

 

Thank you for these words iswmle- I think they were aimed at me rather than capris and I apologize capris for butting into your thread!, but I find them very helpful and just wanted to say thanks. I love MM but your post makes me shudder b/c I don't want him to later blame me for him leaving his family and if things don't work out with us I don't want him to be full of regrets. He's a lot older than me and I feel our relationship is being eroded by this painful process and there's no way for me to know how I will really feel about him as a single available man until he actually is. He admits we won't know what we're like as a real couple until we actually are. He says he would be a fool to leave his marriage banking on us working out because he knows the reality is slim. So he says he is leaving for himself even though I'm a reason, since he wants to be with him, and even though I opened his eyes up to what's missing in his marriage and I motivated him to change things. All of this that he says sounds great but I am unhappy with our current situation and confused about everything. I want to tell him we'll have to wait and see what really happens with his marriage and if we really end up together as a real couple because this part is killing me.

 

I just need to find the strength and I guess capris is here for strength too, so hopefully we can help each other even though the circumstances are different. The bottom line remains the same - they are married and unable to be truly available to have a real relationship with us!

[Capris]

If your MM is leaving his marriage for you be sure that he is the one for you. Be sure that you love him and will be with him, and no one else. Be sure that you have lived your life and are ready to settle, and that HE is the one. Because if you are having doubts now, then you better believe those feelings will resurface in the future. And it's not an easy feeling. It's hell, to say the least.

 

I tottaly agree with you. Im sure he is afraid of the same thing happening. Thing is, i am sure we are "meant to be together" even without the romantic touch to the sentance. Every time i picture my life with another man for example, it just doesnt work. Im the last person to make him leave his family for something not true. If i had doubts about how i FEEL for him i wouldnt be in this A for 4 years..I know what i feel, i am just testing me sometimes to see if im delusional.

 

I want to be with him, the only worries to be honest apart from the M, is actually the normal worries a normal couple would have. "can we live together?" "would we be fighting after a short time?" "will we in general be good romates?"...we have actually talked about that and we know we would.

 

I can understand his fear of leaving a almost full life to start a new one. I know he is testing me too. He has admitted it too.

 

Im really sorry of what happened to you and your husband :/ Hope everything will get better for both!

take care!!

[Capris]

Thank you for these words iswmle- I think they were aimed at me rather than capris and I apologize capris for butting into your thread!, but I find them very helpful and just wanted to say thanks. ........

 

I just need to find the strength and I guess capris is here for strength too, so hopefully we can help each other even though the circumstances are different. The bottom line remains the same - they are married and unable to be truly available to have a real relationship with us!

 

Dont worry maravilla, we actual are in a very similar position. I went to read your thread and your MM sounds alot like mine. So it is as though we are both looking for the same answers!

I just see it as questions i want answering too but just didnt ask!

 

Just a comment on your situation: how big is the age difference? I have been in a relationship with a man really older than me (talk about great picks!)

Of course i was real young but still, if the age difference is big i could help you on that xD

 

In general id say you have to be patient, he is in a hard situation right now. I said to my MM once that even if you do get a D and after a while decide to go back it wont sound weird to me. Basically i said that to show him how much i respect his family and understand his tough desision but as i am writing this down i see how stupid that was to say...I mean i just showed him that im not sure about our relationship, although i am. Darn.

 

Take care and dont mind "butting in" , you are welcome to!

[maravilla]

Dont worry maravilla, we actual are in a very similar position. I went to read your thread and your MM sounds alot like mine. So it is as though we are both looking for the same answers!

I just see it as questions i want answering too but just didnt ask!

 

Just a comment on your situation: how big is the age difference? I have been in a relationship with a man really older than me (talk about great picks!)

Of course i was real young but still, if the age difference is big i could help you on that xD

 

In general id say you have to be patient, he is in a hard situation right now. I said to my MM once that even if you do get a D and after a while decide to go back it wont sound weird to me. Basically i said that to show him how much i respect his family and understand his tough desision but as i am writing this down i see how stupid that was to say...I mean i just showed him that im not sure about our relationship, although i am. Darn.

 

Take care and dont mind "butting in" , you are welcome to!

 

Thanks capris!

 

It's a 20 year age difference. I never thought our ages made much of a difference (he looks and acts a lot younger than he is - then again, so do I. LOL.) But I guess I can see how I'm young and don't really know what I want; yes, I love him, but am I sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him?? I have no idea b/c I don't know who he is outside of this affair and drama. Does that make sense? So I do get worried that he will think he gave up his established, secure, long-term marriage and life for me and then we don't work out. And people warn me about having to take care of him when he's older. He survived a life-threatening disease and is supposed to have a lower life expectancy because of it. So there's a chance he could get sick again even in a few years. I feel that I wouldn't have a problem taking care of him because I love him. But I guess I wouldn't know how it felt until it happened.

 

I think I'm beginning to see that I'm just not cut out to be dating a separated man. I'm not patient, I do understand what he's going through but I don't feel okay accepting it. Does that mean I don't love him enough? I don't know! I feel that I love him but that I need to love myself more and focus on me, unless he can give me the kind of love that I really want.

 

I know what you mean about shooting yourself in the foot with certain comments. I too would understand if MM went back home. Does that give him the impression I'm not fighting hard enough for us? Probably. But I'm human and I do understand and I do feel bad for his wife and I don't want this to be some stupid competition; I want him to do what he wants to do! I think I'm just looking for an answer either way. His words give me answers but I don't feel them in my gut.

[Silly_Girl]

I was married to a MM that I had an affair with. I was 19 and he was 31 when we started our affair. He almost immediately left his wife and filed for divorce. My MM and I got married two years later. The funny thing is, I knew for quite a while that I had fallen out of love with my MM. I was only 19! He had lived a life and was wanting to settle. I was a kid, and had very few relationships before him. So I stayed in our marriage for almost 10 years because I was too scared. I was scared that I would hurt him. He would often say to me "I left my marriage and my son for you." So guilt factored in as well. I felt obligated to be with him. Last year we got a divorce which was an incredibly painful thing for both of us. I wasted 10 years of both of our lives because I lacked the courage to say "I don't love you."

If your MM is leaving his marriage for you be sure that he is the one for you. Be sure that you love him and will be with him, and no one else. Be sure that you have lived your life and are ready to settle, and that HE is the one. Because if you are having doubts now, then you better believe those feelings will resurface in the future. And it's not an easy feeling. It's hell, to say the least.

 

That's interesting. I got spooked in my relationship with MM, and I spoke to my counsellor about how bad I felt, what if I 'ruined his life'? She was insistent I forget it. That it's his choice to go or stay and as long as I'm honest with him and with myself about what I want from the relationship I can do no more.

 

Yours sounds a scary situation actually! But I admit I don't like how you blame yourself 100%, for 20 years (in total) of 'life'. It takes two in a relationship and it's very rare that the failure of a relationship is down to one party only. Could you be a bit less tough on yourself?

[maravilla]

You're right, iswmle, I guess I'm just as conflicted as he is. I love him, but I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I just know I'm not happy living like this and I want to get happy. I'm not happy that I'm the reason he left his family, but, it is what it is. I don't know how to move on from here. I feel stuck in my guilt and confusion and angst. Maybe a break would give us both time to figure out what we really want. He says he really wants to leave his family for good and be with me, but honestly I don't know if he really does.

[Capris]

 

It's a 20 year age difference.

 

I found 5 minutes ust to comment this, im sorry for just shooting this and leaving, but you should consider the age difference more than th marriage!

i'll be back to comment more!

[steelknife]

there is always a chance that things willwork out for you the OP, the way you want it to. but sad to say, there is no guarantee that it will. but whatever the case may be, there would be many people hurt along the way. nehow, i know EXACTLY what youre going through. the mind says the right thing, but the heart says a different one. you stay, you leave, you want to stay, you want to leave. the cycle, ive been there. xmm and i have both been there.

 

but nothing prepared me for the dday. nothing. and at this point, you should ask where you really stand, give him time and act on it. dont waste yourself on something unsure and unsecure. we should love ourselves more and believe. we deserve the best the life that could offer. make a decision FOR YOU. save yourself while you can. dont wait for things to happened. by then, it will happen the way you dont like it. it will end the way youre so unprepared - and there is nothing you can do to change it.

 

i understand you. exactly. the hesitation to leave. i went through the same thing. ive peptalked myself many times, talked and convinced myself so many times. but come to thnk of it, what was the reason i stayed? because i love him so much? that i didnt want our relationship to go to waste? that we shared so many things? for what? there was nothing at the end of the road. we lived ONE DAY AT A TIME. not even knowing how often he can call me in a day or when ill see him again. and when dday come, did i have the chance to hang on to the love i didnt want to go to waste because of the investment ive made? did it make him thnk twice about me?

 

i hope you find what youre looking for. but youve been there quite a while. im sure you know wha tyou have and what you dont have. and wht you really want. the question is; how to get what you want. and recognize the signs when it says you can never have it. and have the strength to leave with your dignity intact. cheers.

[Capris]

Thank you! No, I didn't marry xMM. He's still with his wife and I married my first love from many years ago.

 

There is definitely life after an A, but it takes a bit to get out of the muck and start living again. You have to make a choice for yourself...determine what you want out of life (not whom but what) and if people don't fit into to what you want and need, it's time to move on.

 

I honestly don't know what makes these MM seem so incredible, the R's (A's) so incredible (mine felt that way too), but honestly, I love what I have now, I love (more than I thought possible) who is standing beside me in life, and I love that I made the hard choice to end that A back then. Without ending it, where I am now wouldn't have been possible.

 

Leaving the A isn't always easy. You'll know when the time feels right to you.

 

To be honest i was hoping for you to answer that you did marry your MM...Suprisingly i felt better that you didnt! That means alot to me..Im really glad and happy that you found the life you deserve!!!!

So proud you had the guts to turn down the affair!

I wish i could find out and stand up for what i want in my life. I will take your choices/advise seriously!

 

Thank you and have a happy life with your Husband!

[Capris]

@maravilla

 

Im so sorry i made such a comment and left so fast. But ive been in a relationship with a man 30 years older than me. I understand 20 years is better, but still..

 

The worries your friends always remind you of are kinda true.

He may get to a point where you will wonder if you are his mother or his wife.

When i was in that relationship i didnt always notice that. I thought we would be great together etc etc..Sometimes i felt like i was taking care of him. I felt like i was fufilling my mother instinct... well i cant be comparing the two relationships, cause first i was young and second, you have been through alot more than i had to make you sure about your choice.

 

Im an outsider, and i know you for a couple of posts (very very helpful but thats not my point here) bottom line is, im not here to judge your relationship or anything, nor do i hold the truth..some people consider forums way too important and forget to consider the things the other poster have been through to responce as they do.

 

If you are 20 something, then please consider this post. i hope you are 30 something cause that assures me that you know more of what you are doing.

 

I broke up with that man, not only cause of the age but i wasnt really in love with him. After a few years i saw pictures of him and heard some news of him and im really glad we didnt end up together. Of course im not talking bout his looks.

As strange as it sounded then, i realised we both were looking for totally different things in life. Of course, again, our difference was big cause i was 20 he was 50 (yeah tell me about it...) so its pretty obvious what was wrong...

At the age of 30 , now, i see what is different. Now i have settled with my character in general. I know what i want from my life (well almost ) but well, 30 is different.

 

Anywayz, im mumbling again . All of this is just my expirience, i am waiting for your story, but again, if you are 20 something, think twice!!

 

Take care!!

[maravilla]

@maravilla

 

Im so sorry i made such a comment and left so fast. But ive been in a relationship with a man 30 years older than me. I understand 20 years is better, but still..

 

The worries your friends always remind you of are kinda true.

He may get to a point where you will wonder if you are his mother or his wife.

When i was in that relationship i didnt always notice that. I thought we would be great together etc etc..Sometimes i felt like i was taking care of him. I felt like i was fufilling my mother instinct... well i cant be comparing the two relationships, cause first i was young and second, you have been through alot more than i had to make you sure about your choice.

 

Im an outsider, and i know you for a couple of posts (very very helpful but thats not my point here) bottom line is, im not here to judge your relationship or anything, nor do i hold the truth..some people consider forums way too important and forget to consider the things the other poster have been through to responce as they do.

 

If you are 20 something, then please consider this post. i hope you are 30 something cause that assures me that you know more of what you are doing.

 

I broke up with that man, not only cause of the age but i wasnt really in love with him. After a few years i saw pictures of him and heard some news of him and im really glad we didnt end up together. Of course im not talking bout his looks.

As strange as it sounded then, i realised we both were looking for totally different things in life. Of course, again, our difference was big cause i was 20 he was 50 (yeah tell me about it...) so its pretty obvious what was wrong...

At the age of 30 , now, i see what is different. Now i have settled with my character in general. I know what i want from my life (well almost ) but well, 30 is different.

 

Anywayz, im mumbling again . All of this is just my expirience, i am waiting for your story, but again, if you are 20 something, think twice!!

 

Take care!!

 

I'm almost 30. Sometimes I do feel like his mother. Then I think, that's strange, because I'm so much younger than him, how could I be like his mother?

 

He always says he needs my help and support and asks me for my opinion on things. He says he needs me here for him while he divorces. He gets clingy and needy and at times he has been immature and unrealistic. I say this, but then... he is so fun, much more fun than most guys I've dated around my age. He listens to me, understands me, and we connect on that level where we know what each other is doing without asking and we can finish each other's sentences. And of course the sex is amazing, the best ever. So I struggle with it because everyone has good and bad to their personalities. I was thinking his clingyness was a result of our situation but maybe it's a result of our age difference? Or both. I don't know.

 

One thing I worry about is introducing him to my parents. They had me young, so he's older than my father. I wouldn't have picked for it to be this way (nor would he) but I don't know if I could have found this level of connection and attraction with anyone else so I didn't want to let age stand in the way. Maybe I was being naive. I'm questioning everything now. Thanks for sharing your experience with me.