How To: Semi Successful Online Dating

[Sarah1977]

I've actually been lurking on this forum for quite awhile, but never really had a reason to post. I was particularly interested in the threads about online dating because I was considering giving it a go, but wanted to learn more about it.

 

However, the anger from the men who had tried it kind of worried me. It seems a lot of the complaints with online dating are that women rarely write back. So I figured when I signed up, I'd write back to everyone. Even if I was interested, I promised myself that I would write back to tell them so in the most friendly encouraging way I could.

 

Another thing that seemed to anger a lot of men was 'average' or 'below average' looking women with overinflated egos. Someone even made a comment about how one woman (who turned him down) was 'strictly plain jane' and didn't have a lot of room to be picky. I didn't really understand that one because in my experience, a lot of women tend to have lower self esteems. But I figured it would all make sense when I signed up.

 

So, I signed up and here is what I learned...

 

Wait. Before I get into that I just want to let everyone know that I'm in my 30's and I epitomize 'strictly plain jane....'

 

Within 4 hours of signing up and filling out my profile, I received 114 messages. Imagine my surprise! Then, imagine my dread because I did promise myself that I would write back to EVERY SINGLE ONE. It was pretty overwhelming at first. Signing up on those sites as a woman is akin to being a bleeding fish in the middle of a shark tank.

 

After the first day rush, I slowed down quite a bit. I only receive about 10 new messages daily now.

 

So the very first thing I learned is that, as a woman, it's pretty hard to write back to everyone. I did and my hand cramped up. Literally.

 

The second thing I learned that I would like to communicate to men is that beauty is subjective. While you might feel that the girl is 'strictly plain jane' and 'has no room to be picky,' another 3 guys probably think she's gorgeous and an awesome catch. Furthermore, it's likely she can pick up on your disdain and lack of enthusiasm for her. In my case, I got a lot of messages that simply said 'hi' or were obvious cut and paste jobs. Fishing posts, I call them. These guys are just hoping for someone, ANYONE, to write back. How excited can I get about posts from these men compared to the men who seem legitimately interested in me?

 

Another thing I learned is that if you write back to politely say you're not interested and wish someone luck on their search, it's likely the guy will write back a whiny 'But whyyyyyyy!' or call you a few choice names.

 

So, in short men, if a woman doesn't write you back, consider that there are a few jerks out there who are ruining it for everyone.

 

My biggest advice to men (Who are looking to date women my age...I have no advice for men looking to date young 20's) is if the woman is writing back amicably, just cut to the chase and ask her out. You have no idea how many men want to spend days being 'pen pals' or 'IM buddies.' I know a lot of advice here centers on how you can 'stand out' in your messages. But, the truth is, I got a lot of nice and thoughtful messages. The guys that stood out are the ones who manned up and asked me out. I don't have time to maintain 100+ pen pal relationships. If a girl my age is writing you back, she's likely interested in at least meeting you to see if there is chemistry. Quit trying to woo her online and get to wooing her in person.

 

My biggest advice for women:

 

1. I set up a lot of dates. I believe I went on 6 in the first week. That way, if one date turned into a bummer, I had another possibility to look forward to. I tried to keep it casual and fun and not get my hopes up.

 

2. I expected to get a lot of creeps and weirdos, but I got almost none. I think it's because I didn't put up a picture of myself in a bikini and I left all references to sex off my profile. Heck, I didn't even answer the sex questions on the website. I literally gave the pervos NOTHING to zero in on.

 

3. This is a biggie: DON'T JUDGE THE PICTURES TOO HARSHLY. Every, and I mean EVERY, guy I went out with was MUCH cuter in person. I honestly think a lot of men just take lousy pictures (or don't understand that they are lousy). Does that mean I clicked with everyone? Nah, not even close. I was just pleasantly surprised with the level of attractiveness. Furthermore, the guy I was least enthused (to the point where I had to look up his name on my phone right before I walked in the building for our date) ended up being the most attractive, friendliest, funniest, most put together guy I met. So, open yourself up a little. If the guy has a nice profile and seems into you, give him a shot. It's only one date and you might be surprised at what you find.

 

Anyway, that's my advice. I think the whole process is interesting and quite fun. You just have to relax a little. Think of it this way: Each person you meet is either going to like you or they're not. Once you're 'OK' with both outcomes, you can quit stressing and just enjoy meeting new people.

[Tim The Enchanter]

 

My biggest advice to men (Who are looking to date women my age...I have no advice for men looking to date young 20's) is if the woman is writing back amicably, just cut to the chase and ask her out. You have no idea how many men want to spend days being 'pen pals' or 'IM buddies.' I know a lot of advice here centers on how you can 'stand out' in your messages. But, the truth is, I got a lot of nice and thoughtful messages. The guys that stood out are the ones who manned up and asked me out. I don't have time to maintain 100+ pen pal relationships. If a girl my age is writing you back, she's likely interested in at least meeting you to see if there is chemistry. Quit trying to woo her online and get to wooing her in person.

 

 

The email is there for a reason - it gives you a chance to assess whether this person is genuinely interested in you (or at least your profile) and whether or not they are likely to flake out.

 

I agree that one shouldn't draw out the email thing, but at the same time, it is the man's interest to bide his time and not ask the woman out as soon as she replies to the first email.

[Sarah1977]

The email is there for a reason - it gives you a chance to assess whether this person is genuinely interested in you (or at least your profile) and whether or not they are likely to flake out.

 

If she's going to flake out, isn't it better to find out straight away, rather than after exchanging emails for 2 weeks?

[Sarah1977]

Furthermore, consider that maybe a lot of the girls who are 'flaking' out were probably interested at some point. Just another guy manned up and asked them out quicker, so they lost focus.

 

I can't tell you how many guys who I've thought were interesting by the profile and first couple of pleasant messages. Some STILL haven't asked me out. Yet, they write me every day. Unfortunately, my interest has waned after meeting some really nice guys in person for a change.

[Tim The Enchanter]

If she's going to flake out, isn't it better to find out straight away, rather than after exchanging emails for 2 weeks?

 

Better that she flakes out over email, rather than arrange to meet her before you've even had time to assess her. I never mentioned 2 weeks.

 

If someone "loses interest" because you want to exchange a few emails first, that makes them a flake in my eyes.

 

Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.

[Sarah1977]

Better that she flakes out over email, rather than arrange to meet her before you've even had time to assess her. I never mentioned 2 weeks.

 

Well, if that's what you're comfortable with, go for it.

 

Personally, I'd rather assess people in person.

[Tim The Enchanter]

Well, if that's what you're comfortable with, go for it.

 

Personally, I'd rather assess people in person.

 

That's because you're thinking from the woman's perspective.

 

Oh, and I do assess people in person.

[ascendotum]

Thanks for the detailed perspective. Its a bit unusual hearing how you were pleasantly surprised by the guys in person. The usual stories seem to be about the extremes, either freaks or great looking men or guys being more blah in person.

 

After your initial 6 dates assuming not one does it for you, will you then start looking at the emails that come in, in subsequent weeks or will you go back to look over the others in the initial 190 odd (whole week) emails? I am just curious, as to how much of an advantage getting in as quickly as possible with a new on-line woman is.

 

Of course you do realize there are now 190 or so guys out there this week complaining that another plain jane has knocked them back.

[Sarah1977]

Thanks for the detailed perspective. Its a bit unusual hearing how you were pleasantly surprised by the guys in person. The usual stories seem to be about the extremes, either freaks or great looking men or guys being more blah in person.

 

As far as attracting the freaks, I think a lot of women bring it on themselves. I checked out 'the competition' and a lot of these girls took a lot of 'sexy' pictures, made a lot of references to things they enjoyed in the bedroom, things of that nature. My theory is if a guy doesn't like me in jeans and a v-neck, he doesn't like me period. So I just posted normal, every day pictures.

 

And the stuff in the bedroom? Well, you'll have to get to know me better to find that stuff out.

 

Yeah, I met a few guys with 'blah' personalities in person. But they were still really nice guys and I don't regret meeting them. In fact, I thought one of them might be nice for my friend. So I'm hooking them up. Spread the love, baby!

 

After your initial 6 dates assuming not one does it for you, will you then start looking at the emails that come in, in subsequent weeks or will you go back to look over the others in the initial 190 odd (whole week) emails? I am just curious, as to how much of an advantage getting in as quickly as possible with a new on-line woman is.

 

My plan is to go out on as many dates as possible and not to get focused on any one guy until he makes it clear that he is focused on me. I think a lot of women tend to 'build up' relationships in their head too quickly and it comes across as desperate and weird. I am definitely not the type to start planning the wedding after the first date. Instead, I just want to go out, meet people, and let things evolve naturally. (As naturally as it can evolve after starting online)

 

But, to answer your question, a lot of the guys who emailed me the first day all bled together because their was so many of them. The guys that emailed me a day or two after I signed up were easier to remember.

 

Of course you do realize there are now 190 or so guys out there this week complaining that another plain jane has knocked them back.

 

Nope! This plain jane wrote EVERY SINGLE GUY back and tried to be pleasant and sweet to everyone. With that said, after reading this site, I expected to get NO ACTION because of my age and the fact that I'm not utterly gorgeous. But there are a lot of nice people on those sites, if you approach it the right way, I think.

[northern_sky]

wow, what site did you use?

 

I'm female and used OKCupid. I think I only received like 40-50 messages in the first week. Can't remember the exact number.

[Sarah1977]

wow, what site did you use?

 

I'm female and used OKCupid. I think I only received like 40-50 messages in the first week. Can't remember the exact number.

 

 

OKcupid. I did write out a nice and funny profile. Maybe that helped? I tried to sound approachable and pleasant. I didn't add a 'list o' demands' that a lot of girls add in or anything like that. I got a huge variety of guys, too. Everything from 'male models' to guys who were obviously socially inept. But, like I said, I tried to be pleasant and kind to everyone equally and I communicated this in my profile.

[northern_sky]

OKcupid. I did write out a nice and funny profile. Maybe that helped? I tried to sound approachable and pleasant. I didn't add a 'list o' demands' that a lot of girls add in or anything like that. I got a huge variety of guys, too. Everything from 'male models' to guys who were obviously socially inept. But, like I said, I tried to be pleasant and kind to everyone equally and I communicated this in my profile.

 

Wow, you must be really gorgeous! I can't imagine you're anywhere close to a plain jane.

 

Do you live in a big city?

[northern_sky]

Btw, that response rate is really unusual, imo. All of the women I've known on OKCupid received far fewer responses in that amount of time, and they were all attractive with good profiles.

 

I don't want men to think that all women get this number of messages, because it's not true.

[Cee]

Sarah, thanks for your posts. It's wonderful to read your thoughts. I'll be curious to see how long it takes you to either get in an LTR or burn out and disable your profile.

 

In my experience, I can take 90-120 days of online dating and then it stops being fun. I typically hide my profile for 6 months or so and then go again. I've been in the racket for 2 years and also trying to meet people in the "old fashioned" way. I've done Match, PoF, and OKC. Ok Cupid is my favorite site. However, I'm going on month 3 of my latest break. How long have you've been doing online dating?

 

A lot of what you said has been my experience as well. Lots of interesting people and great dates. The pace of online dating is difficult though. I feel pressure to go on 1 or 2 dates in a week and if I try to take it easy, I feel bad because I'm blowing off some perfectly wonderful men. I'd much rather concentrate on one person and date them exclusively for a month, but the men I've met usually next me by the 3rd date. It feels like an assembly line after awhile. Search, email, date. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

I'd really like to see men post threads about online dating from the male perspective. Several male posters have been successful with online dating and I think their suggestions and thoughts would be valuable. I do believe it's easier for women than men on online sites. Although I have a few male friends who've been successful in finding LTRs via Match and OKC.

[waynebrady]

Any decent woman can be very succesfull in online dating with ease... Men will struggle... But then again dating is much easier for women anyway, not just in online dating.

 

Women really shouldn't complain about getting to much messages or too much attention or whatever... Men NEVER get any attention what so ever from women, Men NEVER get any messages from women. What do you think is worse? Getting too "much" messages and attention or get... nothing? Lol @ women complaining about anything dating related, you have it soooo easy compared to men.

[Sarah1977]

Btw, that response rate is really unusual, imo. All of the women I've known on OKCupid received far fewer responses in that amount of time, and they were all attractive with good profiles.

 

I don't want men to think that all women get this number of messages, because it's not true.

 

Hm. I assumed that ALL the girls were getting this kind of play? No?

 

OK, so this isn't meant to offend any of the ladies on here, I just want to speculate on why this might be and throw some ideas out there....

 

I am definitely NOT gorgeous. Never in my life has anyone ever called me 'gorgeous' or even 'beautiful.' The most I ever get is 'super cute.'

 

With that said, I do have my crap together. I don't have any children from previous relationships (Which I guess turns some guys off, unfortunately) and I'm obviously independent and self sufficient. I make a decent income, so I'm obviously not a gold digger. I think guys do appreciate this because I have gotten messages from guys in different state (and 2 from different countries) saying, "Too bad you don't live closer, because you seem like a great catch!"

 

I think the biggest thing is the lack of the 'list o demands' in my profile. A lot of girls want to tick of qualifications they are looking for or, even worse, what they are NOT looking for. For example, "If you're not this height with this much money with this, this, this, and this, don't waste my time by contacting me."

 

Even if they meet all the girl's qualifications, I know a lot of guys are turned off by this.

 

Personally, and this is just me, I made it clear that I would give them a chance even if they were short, ugly, fat, awkward, whatever. I don't think anyone is a 'waste of time.' People are people and they deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. I think describing people that way is intimidating for a lot of truly nice guys.

 

Another thing that I think helps....I get a lot of award thingys after I go out with guys. They always say things like 'She was cute and funny and a lot of fun!" I know for a fact that guys do read those awards because every time I get on, the guy who gave it to me writes me and says he's suddenly getting all these guys checking out his profile. So maybe guys are reading the awards, checking out the guys I went out with and thinking to myself, "Hey, I'm kind of like him. Maybe I have a shot here?"

 

I have no idea. Like I said, these are just ideas.

[Sarah1977]

Sarah, thanks for your posts. It's wonderful to read your thoughts. I'll be curious to see how long it takes you to either get in an LTR or burn out and disable your profile.

 

In my experience, I can take 90-120 days of online dating and then it stops being fun. I typically hide my profile for 6 months or so and then go again. I've been in the racket for 2 years and also trying to meet people in the "old fashioned" way. I've done Match, PoF, and OKC. Ok Cupid is my favorite site. However, I'm going on month 3 of my latest break. How long have you've been doing online dating?

 

A lot of what you said has been my experience as well. Lots of interesting people and great dates. The pace of online dating is difficult though. I feel pressure to go on 1 or 2 dates in a week and if I try to take it easy, I feel bad because I'm blowing off some perfectly wonderful men. I'd much rather concentrate on one person and date them exclusively for a month, but the men I've met usually next me by the 3rd date. It feels like an assembly line after awhile. Search, email, date. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

I'd really like to see men post threads about online dating from the male perspective. Several male posters have been successful with online dating and I think their suggestions and thoughts would be valuable. I do believe it's easier for women than men on online sites. Although I have a few male friends who've been successful in finding LTRs via Match and OKC.

 

I agree. I can see myself getting burned out. Not only that, but some guys can get very nasty. For example, if I'm not interested, I will write, "Hey, you seem like a great guy, but I really don't think we're going to have much in common. But good luck on your search!"

 

I have had quite a few guys straight cuss me out after that.

 

I just write back:

 

Sometimes they apologize, but the level of anger is scary sometimes.

[Cee]

Are you looking for an LTR or just dating?

 

IMO, women getting dates is easy via online sites, but getting a relationship is more of a hit or miss proposition.

[Sarah1977]

Are you looking for an LTR or just dating?

 

IMO, women getting dates is easy via online sites, but getting a relationship is more of a hit or miss proposition.

 

I'm not 'on the hunt' for one. But at the same time, if a guy and I really clicked, I wouldn't be opposed to it. Does that make sense?

 

I think you may be right about it being more difficult to find a LTR. I've only been online dating for about 10 days and I already have dates 7, 8, and 9 set up for this weekend. With that said, I have yet to go on a #2 date. I'm not ruling out the possibility that some of these guys will ask me out again. But at the same time, if none of them did, I wouldn't be shocked. *shrugs

[In The Green]

Thank you for creating this thread and sharing your experience in detail, it was very helpful. I started a profile on OKCupid but never finished it. I haven't tried online dating yet and have been a little apprehensive about the whole thing.

[sanskrit]

Hm. I assumed that ALL the girls were getting this kind of play? No?

 

The sites emphasize "new members" in various ways, and certain people who have been on the site for awhile seek out new members who haven't had their ego unduly inflated yet, explaining the high initial response.

 

I don't think any man gets reasonably angry when a) his one line mail or wink doesn't get a response, b) his mails to women when he knows he is way outside their stated parameters doesn't get a response. Culling out the one-liners, rude mails and outside parameters Emails, and responding only to custom thought out Emails that show they read your profile should cut your need for replies way down.

 

Not familiar with OKC, but if it's like most sites, it has a "not interested" quick reply feature. If you feel that's too impersonal, you can cut and paste from one or two stock replies you keep on your clipboard. This should get your response requirements way down in time requirements.

 

If men persist after that rejection mail with the "whyyyy?" just block them assuming OKC has a block feature like every other site. It's just not a big deal to be courteous on a dating site.

 

Thanks for your perspective as it is useful for many here who wonder why the response rate is low.

[harkkam]

I'm a guy and it's very hard getting a woman to respond back. I sent out about 50 msgs but only got 5 replies back. Im 24 a good looking guy, a student that has a variety of interests I really don't know why women don't respond. I try not to think it's my looks

[Sarah1977]

The sites emphasize "new members" in various ways, and certain people who have been on the site for awhile seek out new members who haven't had their ego unduly inflated yet, explaining the high initial response.

 

Yes, that's what I figured. I think I've lost some of my new car smell now.

 

It's just not a big deal to be courteous on a dating site.

 

I guess not. But I still like to be courteous anyway. That's just a big part of my personality.

 

Thanks for your perspective as it is useful for many here who wonder why the response rate is low.

 

Sure, would be glad to help any way I can.

[sanskrit]

I guess not. But I still like to be courteous anyway. That's just a big part of my personality.

 

Didn't mean to seem to downplay your good efforts, but you will find many women on LS will fiercely defend their perceived right to be rude on dating sites by ignoring custom Emails from men well within their parameters by claiming they just don't have time to hit the "not interested" or "block" buttons, and this simply isn't the case.

[valpre]

IMO, women getting dates is easy via online sites, but getting a relationship is more of a hit or miss proposition.

 

Agreed. It's very easy to get dates, especially when you first sign up and are still one of the new girls. Finding a real relationship hasn't been that easy for me.

 

I can totally relate with your experience Cee, and am thinking of taking a break now as well. OLD is getting old .

 

Glad you're fun though Sarah, you sound like a great girl with a kind heart, I hope you meet someone equally as great soon