Friendships... overrated?

[Els]

I've read and heard about how friendships are apparently awesome, as good as a romantic relationship, sometimes better, etc. And that leads me to wonder... why hasn't that been the case for me?

 

I'm not the party animal with lots of 'friends', but I can say that I've had quite a few close friendships in the past. Despite being close enough to hang out everyday, talk lots, help each other out with random school stuff, etc, I immediately notice two very striking differences between the closest of close friends, and my SO:

 

1. None of my friends have ever gone far out of their way to get my back, or to take care of me. Sure, they'll do little favours like helping me pick up something on their way back from the store, collecting my notes for me, etc. But taking an hour-long return trip to the nearest pharmacy to get me medications when I'm sick? Sitting by me for hours before an extremely important exam to tutor me and give me strength? Slipping money into my wallet quietly during very tight times? No freaking way a friend has ever done that. SO has.

 

2. I am an extremely complex being, and I have never been able to fully reveal all of me (thoughts, quirks, emotions, etc) to friends, not even the closest ones. I think the reasons for this are two-pronged. Firstly, I think revealing all of me would involve such a close bond that a deep emotional attachment would be formed, which was partly what led to all of my relationships. Thus if I could reveal all of me to someone, they wouldn't just be my friend anymore. Secondly, on their part, I simply don't trust them enough to accept me the way SO does. We aren't... kindred spirit enough. That's the only way I can explain it. I don't feel close enough to them to trust them to that extent.

 

Now, the above paragraphs were about close friends; I have probably had 5-8 or so of them in my entire life, depending on where you draw the line on close. Non-close friends, on the other hand... don't even get me started. I don't know how I've managed to come across some of the worst possible 'friends' ever during my time in college. I swear, nearly the entire class was like that. I'll just list 2 of the first examples that come to mind, so as not to make this post too long:

 

1. This girl and I had been sort-of getting to know each other during the first semester. We'd exchanged phone numbers, talked a bit, hung out during class, etc. One day, she came to me saying her bf couldn't fetch her back from class today, and could I pleaaasee help her? It was a half-hour detour, and I was in a rush that day, AND she couldn't even be bothered to give me proper directions out of her housing area so I got lost on the way out, but meh. A good deed's a good deed.

 

A week later, I was missing some notes and texted her asking if I could please borrow hers to photocopy. It went something like this:

 

Me: (text, borrow, yadda yadda)

She: Who's this? (What?! She didn't even save my number, but didn't feel at all ashamed to ask me to make a 30-minute trip for her?)

Me: (name)

She: Oh, I highlighted them a bit too much. I really don't think you'll be able to use em

Me: It's alright, really, trust me.

She: Ohh, they're kinda heavy and I already have to bring quite a few books tomorrow. Maybe you could ask (name)?

 

The notes probably weigh 500g. I concluded that she was just too damn lazy to find them, put them in her bag, and give them to me during class the next day, and simply gave up on her.

 

 

2. I was carpooling with some 'friends' to travel to our internship place; arrangement was that I and another person would take turns driving the 5 of us (the others all refused to drive, citing various reasons, mostly excuses). One day, during the month I was scheduled to drive, I fell sick and informed one of them that I wouldn't be going tomorrow due to my illness. Her only response was, "Oh, so we'll have to go by ourselves?" Hm.

 

6 am the next day, my phone wakes me up. I dragged my aching and medication-filled body out of its drug-induced sleep to pick up, figuring that noone would call at such a time unless it was really important... and it's one of them. "Hi, can you come to us and give us your toll card so we can use it?" They actually thought nothing of waking a sick 'friend' up at 6am and asking her to meet them just so they could have the convenience of waiting a little less long at toll lines. This time, being a little smarter, I said, "No, I'm sick" and put the phone down.

 

 

So... I guess I don't understand where all the ranting and raving about friends come from. Is it possibly because I have just had ****ty friends, or am I having unrealistic expectations of friends? If it's the former, why? One might say that my people-picker is messed up; but if so, why have I had good SOs? If it's the latter - then if I shouldn't expect to be able to rely on close friends and share everything with them, how can friends ever compare to an SO??

 

The reason for this post is that I want to be able to focus on my SO a little less and on friends a little more. I think it would make me a more balanced person. But seeing as the SO is offering such a distinctively better deal than any friend I have ever had, why would I? The only motivation I can think of is that if I don't balance myself out more, I might possibly stifle the bf too much and that may be detrimental to the relationship. And that if I have more friends, a potential breakup would go easier on me because even though they can't compare to an SO, they're better than nothing. But, I dunno, that sounds like a rather twisted reason to have friends, no?

Edited November 1, 2010 by Elswyth

[loverofloveandstuff]

IME, you can rely on friends as a collective, not as individuals.

 

The way I see it, people are always going to be coming in and out of your life. I've had very close friendships that have lasted years and they have been worthy and helpful to me. Friendships provide emotional support, but rarely material (would never slip money into my wallet) or physical (would probably not go out of their way to help me when I'm sick) support. I am okay with that. I feel as if that is more of a familial role.

 

This might seem weird to some people, but I don't believe there is a need to hold onto friendships forever. I think loyalty is important, but when people grow apart, and usually they do, I think they should just accept that and be happy that they could get some meaning or support or learn something from the friendship. A lot of the time, the result of trying to hold onto dead friendships and the expectation that they should last forever is that they fall apart slowly and ungracefully. Sometimes it's ugly.

 

The truth is, a lot of people, even most people, put themselves before others. The situations you have described with your 'friends' are selfish but it's the reality. People care more about themselves than they care about you, so doing anything that they see as out of the way for themselves, is probably something they are not going to do.

 

They don't value their relationship with you enough to put you first because ultimately, they don't really care if you're in their life or not. I would label these people in a category called superficial friends. They might be fun to hang out with, party with, have a cuppa with but not really anything more than that.

 

I have many friends, but not one that has stuck with me through everything... not one that I can go to with every single problem I might have at any given time. There are different people I trust with different issues. I would not expose some parts of my life to particular friends because I know they would be judgemental and my actions don't hold up to their morals and values in that particular area. But these same friends, have been very helpful and supportive in other facets of my life.

 

The difference between your SO and your friends? You only have one SO (assuming you're monogamous), you don't owe all your attention to just one friend. Usually, people have a few, several or even many. You rely on your SO as an individual, you rely on friends as a collective.

Edited November 1, 2010 by loverofloveandstuff

[Els]

Thanks - that reply actually made me see things in a very different light! I'll go sleep over it for a bit before I reply.

[carhill]

Perhaps an anomaly, but I've found friends to be far more consistent, supportive and loving than any romantic interest/spouse, and this applies to both male and female friends. Hence, it can be inferred that, while I may pick friends well, I'm lousy at picking romantic partners/spouses.

 

I don't think friendships are over-rated. During the past couple years, friends saved my life and sanity, literally. I'm often embarrassed by their generosity. Like a good friend of ours who unfortunately had a stroke a couple weeks ago, and survived, said 'you find out who your real friends are during times like this'. Yup, sure do

[denise_xo]

I agree with Carhill, my friends have really been my bed rock in life. I'm not close to my own family, so the good friends I have are extremely precious to me.

[Cee]

Friendships are the richest and most rewarding relationships I've ever had. My longest romantic relationship lasted 4 years. My longest close friendship is 18 years and counting.

 

When my father died, my mom was surrounded by a circle of friends. While my mom held my dad's hand her friends were quietly sitting, making tea, and praying. My mom never remarried, but she still has her best friend of 30 years who lives up the street. My mom's best friend is like a second mother to me.

 

I think it's important not to make your SO your only friend. Relying on one person is a risky proposition.

[Star Gazer]

Friendships are the richest and most rewarding relationships I've ever had. My longest romantic relationship lasted 4 years. My longest close friendship is 18 years and counting.

 

When my father died, my mom was surrounded by a circle of friends. While my mom held my dad's hand her friends were quietly sitting, making tea, and praying. My mom never remarried, but she still has her best friend of 30 years who lives up the street. My mom's best friend is like a second mother to me.

 

I think it's important not to make your SO your only friend. Relying on one person is a risky proposition.

 

I so agree with all of this. All of my closest friendships have lasted far longer than any romantic relationship I've ever had. My girlfriends are my rocks, literally the wind beneath my wings - as cheesy as it sounds. They are family to me. When my grammy passed away, they were there for me - many traveled long distances to be there. When my relationship with Skiman ended, they again rallied to support me. Big or small, it doesn't matter - they've been there. The real friends, anyway.

 

But do I expect them to give me money when I'm broke or travel far to pick up my meds? No. But when I had a scary medical test done, a friend took me to the procedure and held my hand through it. There's a difference there; real friends are there when it matters, not just to make your life more convenient.

 

OP, I suspect you've had ****ty friends simply because you don't value them AND expect too much.

[Els]

SG: I did actually value them lots in the past. I always value a new good friend until something happens that shows they don't care all too much. Then I devalue them. Recently, though, admittedly I've gotten really jaded from being screwed over multiple times. I suppose I would liken myself to someone who's gotten the short end of the stick from all her past relationships; except in my case my SOs were mostly good, and it's my friendships that have jaded me. And if I am expecting too much, how come SOs can fit the bill? Should I then expect less from a close friend than from an SO? And if so, then why are friends supposedly so awesome?

 

 

To the rest of you, thanks for saying how awesome your friends really are; but except for loveroflove and SG, none of you have really addressed my concerns.

 

Cee: I know I shouldn't be relying on one person too much; didn't you read my last paragraph? That's the whole purpose of this thread. But the only things I've ever been able to rely on my friends for were as a collective (as per loveroflove's observation) for superficial things such as hanging out, maybe chatting when I'm bored, and the occasional nice thing such as remembering my birthday.

Edited November 2, 2010 by Elswyth

[quankanne]

beautiful story about your mom, Cee – I think this is how things are going to fall into place with my close circle of friends when the end comes 'round. Because much as I love my husband, the relationship just doesn't compare to the friendships I've had with a certain handful of people. They know me ... they get me ... they give what pretty much amounts to unconditional love. I know my husband loves me, but the depth of relationship I have with him is nowhere near to what I've built with them. Not because he doesn't try, but because when you get to the heart of the matter, marriage is pretty much still about a romantic relationship. Friendship is relationship, pure and simple.

 

I guess I'm opposite of you, Elswyth: I know my friends have my back whenever I need their support and I can't picture being without those certain people in my life.

[carhill]

OP, if not already done, try giving of yourself as a friend freely up to a limit you decide and without expectation and watch for those who value and reciprocate your generous spirit. Some will; some will not and may be potential Hoovers; some will be indifferent. Within the parameters of what you value, grow friendships with those you find most compatible, generous and caring.

 

IMO, the first step to having a good friend is being a good friend. Then, with time, decide if the friend is actually *your* friend, as evidenced by their actions and behaviors. It's really simple when broken down. Blatantly obvious. Yes, there are disappointments. Also, there are amazing successes and wonderful intimacies which result with people you would never have guessed to have such capacity. The only way to know is to try.

 

Keep trying, until you die. That's a long time

[Star Gazer]

What have YOU done for your friends, E? There's a lot of selfish talk in your posts in this thread. It's all about what they have done (or really, haven't done) for you...not what you've done for them, or what you've done together.

[Els]

beautiful story about your mom, Cee – I think this is how things are going to fall into place with my close circle of friends when the end comes 'round. Because much as I love my husband, the relationship just doesn't compare to the friendships I've had with a certain handful of people. They know me ... they get me ... they give what pretty much amounts to unconditional love. I know my husband loves me, but the depth of relationship I have with him is nowhere near to what I've built with them. Not because he doesn't try, but because when you get to the heart of the matter, marriage is pretty much still about a romantic relationship. Friendship is relationship, pure and simple.

 

I guess I'm opposite of you, Elswyth: I know my friends have my back whenever I need their support and I can't picture being without those certain people in my life.

 

I think that's wonderful, I really do. I just wish I had the chance to have that. I think one of the greatest benefits of being able to rely on friends, is that really close friends break up far less than romantic relationships do. As in, romantic relationships are complex things, and even if that person is the best friend in the world to you, other factors such as sex, etc can still possibly contribute to a breakup, leading to you losing your SO and your best friend. Whereas if a best friend is separate from a relationship, they'll likely be sticking around.

 

However, I also think that it's easier for friends to drift apart than SOs. I've seen plenty of people who used to be close friends, but when certain factors such as geographical distance come into play, they just drift apart and out of each others' life.

 

OP, if not already done, try giving of yourself as a friend freely up to a limit you decide and without expectation and watch for those who value and reciprocate your generous spirit. Some will; some will not and may be potential Hoovers; some will be indifferent. Within the parameters of what you value, grow friendships with those you find most compatible, generous and caring.

 

IMO, the first step to having a good friend is being a good friend. Then, with time, decide if the friend is actually *your* friend, as evidenced by their actions and behaviors. It's really simple when broken down. Blatantly obvious. Yes, there are disappointments. Also, there are amazing successes and wonderful intimacies which result with people you would never have guessed to have such capacity. The only way to know is to try.

 

Keep trying, until you die. That's a long time

 

I think this is a good idea. I'm just... disheartened from all my bad experiences, so I guess I just have to learn not to let the bad apples affect me to the point of discounting the good ones. To be fair, most of the really bad ones happened in college; my course simply happened to attract some of the most selfish, desperate, and 'kiasu' (sorry, I don't know any other word for it, feel free to wiki ) people around. The people I knew back in high school and from other sources were mainly decent. But 4 years of being with those people just made me lose faith.

 

It really is difficult to let myself put effort and time into a 'friend' when I just have this niggling feeling at the back of my head that it may all be for naught, though.

 

What have YOU done for your friends, E? There's a lot of selfish talk in your posts in this thread. It's all about what they have done (or really, haven't done) for you...not what you've done for them, or what you've done together.

 

SG, I honestly think you aren't being fair to me. To begin with, this thread IS about me being disappointed with friendships. Would there really be a point in me listing all the things I've done for them and what we've done together in this thread? If you had made a thread about 'Skiman being messy', would you spend most of the thread detailing his messiness, or instead spend most of it talking about what you've done for Skiman and what both of you have done together? If the latter, why not title it 'Things I've done for Skiman and things we've done together?'

 

But anyway. To answer your question - my OP has listed some of the things I've done for my friends, already. I mentioned taking a half hour detour to send a 'friend' home when she couldn't even be bothered to pass notes to me the next week. I mentioned agreeing to be one of the two drivers for a group of 6 friends simply because the other 4 did not want to drive (this involves driving everyone for an hour-long round trip for a month, and I don't even get reimbursed extra). I have done all of the typical 'friend' stuff - treating them for birthdays, doing small favours, etc; but you're right, I don't usually do things for them to the extent of which my SO does for me. But that is because I simply know that they will not do the same for me in return.

 

Also, I would not even wake someone whom I dislike up at 6am when I know she's sick just to have the convenience of waiting 5 minutes less at toll lines, much less a friend, regardless of how much or little she values me. I really am not sure how you seem to think it's plausible that I'm responsible for such behaviour on their part.

Edited November 2, 2010 by Elswyth

[Star Gazer]

SG, I honestly think you aren't being fair to me. To begin with, this thread IS about me being disappointed with friendships. Would there really be a point in me listing all the things I've done for them and what we've done together in this thread? If you had made a thread about 'Skiman being messy', would you spend most of the thread detailing his messiness, or instead spend most of it talking about what you've done for Skiman and what both of you have done together? If the latter, why not title it 'Things I've done for Skiman and things we've done together?'

 

Huh? Doing things together has nothing to do with me venting about messiness. If I was venting about Skiman being messy, I would have likely detailed how neat and clean I am, and how it upsets me that he can't return the efforts I made to keep the house clean. See?

 

But anyway. To answer your question - my OP has listed some of the things I've done for my friends, already. I mentioned taking a half hour detour to send a 'friend' home when she couldn't even be bothered to pass notes to me the next week.

 

At her request though, no?

 

I mentioned agreeing to be one of the two drivers for a group of 6 friends simply because the other 4 did not want to drive (this involves driving everyone for an hour-long round trip for a month, and I don't even get reimbursed extra).

 

I thought you all agreed to take turns?? And that's not really "friend" stuff to do with people you even put in quotation marks as 'friends.'

 

I have done all of the typical 'friend' stuff - treating them for birthdays, doing small favours, etc; but you're right, I don't usually do things for them to the extent of which my SO does for me. But that is because I simply know that they will not do the same for me in return.

 

How do you know?

 

My original idea stands, I'm afraid.

[Els]

At her request though, no?

 

Frankly, I don't believe most people make 30 minute detours for someone they've just gotten to know a week or two ago. Secondly, how would I even have known that she needed a ride if she didn't tell me??? Thirdly, I don't see how it makes a damn difference whether she asked me or not, when she was the sort of person that couldn't be bothered to take 5 minutes to find her notes and put them in her bag for me anyhow.

 

I thought you all agreed to take turns?? And that's not really "friend" stuff to do with people you even put in quotation marks as 'friends.'

No, that's something I did for them. It was me taking turns with ONE other person to drive SIX people. FOUR other people had cars and driving licenses but just acted mum and ignorant about the need for drivers. The other girl was simply saddled with the responsibility of driving for two months. I was finally the only one who volunteered to take a month off her because I couldn't stand to see the unfairness.

 

Yes, I put them in quotation marks due to their attitude re: the 6am incident.

 

How do you know?

Because I've done it before, and not had it reciprocated.

 

As for what we do together, that isn't really an issue that I have with friends. I find friends great for hanging out and chatting with and having fun with. My issue is that when it comes down to crunch, I find that most people don't really care about their friends all that much, and thus that I can't really rely on friends all that much.

Edited November 2, 2010 by Elswyth

[Star Gazer]

Frankly, I don't believe most people make 30 minute detours for someone they've just gotten to know a week or two ago. S

 

Well, you're wrong about that. I made a new friend at CrossFit. We bonded over commiserating over our respective breakups which happened about the same time earlier in the summer. Two weeks later, she was helping me move an entire large truck full of my crap that I still had at his house. He lives 35 minutes away, and she helped me carry 10 loads of heavy sh*t up three flights of stairs. Oh, and she brought a bottle of champagne and flowers to help me celebrate the REAL beginning of my life.

 

From what little she knows about me, she knew I'd do the same thing for her. THAT's why when she heard I needed help, she stepped up.

 

As for what we do together, that isn't really an issue that I have with friends. I find friends great for hanging out and chatting with and having fun with. My issue is that when it comes down to crunch, I find that most people don't really care about their friends all that much, and thus that I can't really rely on friends all that much.

 

My point is, it doesn't sound like YOU care about other people/friends all that much. If you don't care about them, why would they care about you??

[Els]

IME, you can rely on friends as a collective, not as individuals.

 

The way I see it, people are always going to be coming in and out of your life. I've had very close friendships that have lasted years and they have been worthy and helpful to me. Friendships provide emotional support, but rarely material (would never slip money into my wallet) or physical (would probably not go out of their way to help me when I'm sick) support. I am okay with that. I feel as if that is more of a familial role.

 

This might seem weird to some people, but I don't believe there is a need to hold onto friendships forever. I think loyalty is important, but when people grow apart, and usually they do, I think they should just accept that and be happy that they could get some meaning or support or learn something from the friendship. A lot of the time, the result of trying to hold onto dead friendships and the expectation that they should last forever is that they fall apart slowly and ungracefully. Sometimes it's ugly.

 

The truth is, a lot of people, even most people, put themselves before others. The situations you have described with your 'friends' are selfish but it's the reality. People care more about themselves than they care about you, so doing anything that they see as out of the way for themselves, is probably something they are not going to do.

 

They don't value their relationship with you enough to put you first because ultimately, they don't really care if you're in their life or not. I would label these people in a category called superficial friends. They might be fun to hang out with, party with, have a cuppa with but not really anything more than that.

 

I have many friends, but not one that has stuck with me through everything... not one that I can go to with every single problem I might have at any given time. There are different people I trust with different issues. I would not expose some parts of my life to particular friends because I know they would be judgemental and my actions don't hold up to their morals and values in that particular area. But these same friends, have been very helpful and supportive in other facets of my life.

 

The difference between your SO and your friends? You only have one SO (assuming you're monogamous), you don't owe all your attention to just one friend. Usually, people have a few, several or even many. You rely on your SO as an individual, you rely on friends as a collective.

 

I re-read your post, and I think it could possibly be the answer. I shouldn't be comparing them one by one to an SO because I can only have one SO, but many friends. To be fair, each of my close friends has been good in their own different ways. One I could talk to for hours in school, but we never hung out outside school because she didn't share the same interests as I. Others I hung out lots with because we had similar hobbies, but didn't have heart-to-heart talks with that much because we didn't share the same mindset and level of thinking. Another was a selfless and reliable gem, we shared lots of laughs and he was the only one who would offer physical help (ie fixing a lightbulb when my SO was LDR), but I didn't share his morals and ethics (he would sleep with lots of women randomly, etc).

 

I guess, like a child, I'm wishing for that bosom friend who'll be as close as an SO in all ways, except for the fact that we don't live together, or snuggle and have sex together. That probably won't happen due to the abovementioned dynamic.

 

Also, I guess they're just different. Like my ears and my heart; the heart may be more important to me, but when it comes down to it I should have both ears AND heart as long as possible, no?

 

I find the part about friends coming and going very true and very sad, though. Currently, I have lost most of my close friends, mainly due to geographical separation. Lost some when we scattered after high school, lost some due to one or both of us changing and growing apart, and again when we scattered after college, one of them passed away... I recall reading an old close friend's facebook, and a meme she answered there struck a chord within me: I know that I will always just be a passing figure in everyone's lives. I would have kept in contact with her, but she left to further her studies in Japan and doesn't really have internet access there. We'd changed and grown apart a little since the 6 years that separated us after high school anyway.

 

What I think I will do is rely on friends for different things (hanging out, having fun with, talking to) so that I will have a more balanced life. I suppose I will always be the kind of person who will want/need an SO more so than friends, but that's just something I'll have to accept.

[Els]

Well, you're wrong about that. I made a new friend at CrossFit. We bonded over commiserating over our respective breakups which happened about the same time earlier in the summer. Two weeks later, she was helping me move an entire large truck full of my crap that I still had at his house. He lives 35 minutes away, and she helped me carry 10 loads of heavy sh*t up three flights of stairs. Oh, and she brought a bottle of champagne and flowers to help me celebrate the REAL beginning of my life.

 

From what little she knows about me, she knew I'd do the same thing for her. THAT's why when she heard I needed help, she stepped up.

 

 

 

My point is, it doesn't sound like YOU care about other people/friends all that much. If you don't care about them, why would they care about you??

 

SG, I really think my post just stepped on your tail for some reason, and you're lashing out at me for it. You've conveniently cut off all of my explanations in your quotes except for the ones that you have an issue with. I'm pretty sure most people would construe making a 30-minute detour for a week-long friend, offering to drive people for a month, treating birthday friends, running favours for friends, listening to friends' problems, etc, all of which I have done, as at least a reasonable amount of caring, and all of which I have mentioned that I do in this thread.

 

Other things which I have done include, but are not limited to:

 

Spending the day at a friend's house helping her put together her banner for student presidency

Spending the day at a friend's house helping her put together her costume for a play

Helping lots of friends with homework they couldn't figure out

Planning surprises for friends' birthdays

Bringing a sick friend medication and notes she missed out on (I was the ONLY one in our college who bothered to do this for her)

 

I simply did not list them here previously because for the most part, those friends actually did show their gratitude at least a little for what I did, so I have no problem with them.

 

But I suspect the only part of this post that you will quote will be

 

SG, I really think my post just stepped on your tail for some reason, and you're lashing out at me for it.

Edited November 2, 2010 by Elswyth

[carhill]

OP, IMO, what you're going through and feeling is part of the process; it's a path to growing friendships which are meaningful and healthy for you. It's not a clear, straight path, where x+y=z; it's more tortuous, like my years of calculus in college

 

Do you believe in having a 'few good friends'? A small, close circle, rather than a wide grouping? What's your style? Myself, I have a best male friend, one I've known for many years, along with a few other close male friends, as well as a few, less close, female friends. I'd tally the count at under ten. I tend to invest more into friendships, so necessarily sacrifice breadth for depth. Your style is your own. The key is finding people like yourself in that regard with whom you can connect.

 

I think you'll be surprised how things will look in another ten years. Things evolve.

[sb129]

Elswyth, I have had many friendships- some have lasted my entire life, others have been cyclic and dependent on where I was living/working/playing at the time.

 

The closest friendships are the ones where people have seen me, all of me- the real me.

 

I remember going through a particularly dark time several years back when I was seeing my exMM, and I was really really low. Two close friends of mine came to visit me that weekend and were absolutely shocked at how much of a mess I was.

 

I had never ever showed any vulnerabilities to them, they thought I was always so "sorted"- because that was the facade I presented. I wasn't very good at asking for help or letting people close- so people thought I didn't need that.

 

Not to say you need to be vulnerable or cry on everyones shoulder all the time.

It was just interesting to hear that from two friends who I had known for ten years by then.

 

I haven't always been the greatest friend- but luckily I have maintained some wonderful friendships despite this.

 

And the good news is: you can always make new friends.

 

One of my closest friends now is someone I have been acquainted with via a mutual friend for years and years, however I misjudged her initially and didn't ever warm to her.

My bad- we now live in the same town and our daughters were born in the same week, and she has become on of my closest friends- we have bonded over the shared experiences of having children of the same age, and we actually get on quite well over a wine or two too!

 

Sometimes its possible to rekindle friendships. When I moved here, an old college friend and I reconnected and she has introduced me to so many other new mums- my social network here is one of the best I have ever had.

 

Don't despair- I think some of your problem is that you have fallen prey to users (ie the chick who wanted a lift) and that your SO has had some experiences with friends which are unusually....out there, and thats given you higher expectations.

 

Aim for the middle.