loadofhoopla Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I dated my ex for over three years. We lived together, shopped for rings, were very serious, blah, blah. We broke up in Sept 08 and talked and slept together until March 09. I met my current boyfriend in April of that year and we started dating pretty soon after. The break up with my ex was an extremely difficult one, and I did a lot of stupid stuff to cause it. This past April I wrote a facebook message to my best friend talking about how much I missed my ex, even going into detail about how I missed everything about him, the way he hugged me, kissed me, danced, looked, smelled. In my message I told my friend how regretful I was for everything that had happened between us and that I was so hurt by it still. When I wrote this I had been dating my current boyfriend for a year. Needless to say, I left my facebook up and my boyfriend looked through my messages and read this. He flipped out on me, but afterwards calmed down. He is not breaking up with me over it. I feel HORRIBLE. When I wrote the message I was just looking through old pictures and feeling nostalgic. I was feeling bad about the way things ended with my ex, and the life that we had and that I lost when we broke up (my ex and I knew each other for a very long time even before we started dating-a lot of our friends were mutual and when we split I stopped talking to a lot of them out of respect for him, and because it hurt too much to hear about him). I NEVER want to get back together with my ex. I will always love him, but I was not at the time of that message, and not right now, in love with him. I love my current boyfriend so much. I know I should have waited longer to date him because obviously I still had some unresolved issues. But he is fantastic, and a better fit to me than my ex ever could be. We were living together at the time he read the message. I am so afraid that I damaged our relationship irreparably. He says he still wants to be with me and that he loves me but if situations were reversed I would be so hurt, and not able to trust him again. Thoughts?
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 8, 2010 Posted November 8, 2010 Hi there, Sorry nobody leaped in to help you. I really think you need to illustrate the difference between what was your ex boyfriend himself, and things which more represent your investment in that ex boyfriend. Had you been 'caught' saying: "man, my ex b/f sure had a bigger/nicer (manhood) than does my current guy, and I miss it", then you'd be in a terrible spot by any definition. From what you describe here, dating (/breaking-up with) your ex "represents" a whole slough of things in your life, many of which you have every reason to pine for. Take advantage of having your statements in writing, so you can make constant reference to exactly what you wrote. Express yourself directly on the topic of how much of a life and a 'place' IN that life you enjoyed at the time was 'represented' by that ex boyfriend. Some of your current boyfriend's reaction is likely a REaction to your own REaction to his having read all of that. First thing to do is to alter the things you can control. Just speak matter-of-factly about the past being the past, and resolve to be firmly committed to your current relationship. You certainly didn't commit the worst offense in the world, and the whole "Facebook" craze itself is partly to blame for the effects of people expressing themselves too comfortably. (I mean, we've all said lots of things anonymously and online that we would never say in the real world - these days it is just too darn easy to evolve from having shared just those sorts of things to a point where you are coerced into being brave enough to share a phone number too. {with no attention paid to sometimes dangerous things shared in anonymity} ) *** I realize you were expressing to a best friend, but I sense that the rawness of your feelings might have been more easily shared via the net, regardless of who she is. In due time your concerns here will heal themselves. Just don't aggravate anything by seeming so uncomfortable with your own feelings and expressions. Good luck.
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