newpriorities Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Ok, I posted under Waiting for my Blackberry and received so much encouragement I did it. We work together so I will run into him, but I did not email him at all over the weekend and I did NOT go to his office this morning, which would've been the norm. He hasn't come looking for me either. Wouldn't that just be the height of irony? I stop contact and he doesn't even notice! I do expect him to come sniffing at some point. He will probably say, "What's wrong?" But I decided not to even have "the talk." As you have seen from my earlier posts, he has treated me very badly, even within the confines of an A. After 3 years I guess I should just be grateful we didn't have a dday where others got hurt. After 3 years, I am retaking my power and my self-respect. I know that I will hurt and I sure will miss the physical relationship , but at least I'm smiling today. Please help me get through the day and stick to my resolve! Thanks!!
Silly_Girl Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Good. On. You. Well done!!!!!!! I wish you lots of luck and strength and peace. Keep posting.
anne1707 Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 You can do this! I work with the ex-OM so I know what it's like to go NC at work. It will be tough and some days will be far harder than others but it will get better. Just be polite and professional with him and do not allow any personal chat. Never let him see that he is getting to you otherwise he will use that against you. And then you will start finding that he is not getting to you anymore and you actually feel so much better about life than you did before.
skywriter Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 newpriorities, I wish you so much strength to hang in there and do what's best for you. I understand all to well, as I'm trying to do what's best for myself as well. It's a journey.
Fieldsofgold Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Wooo-Hooo! Just keep telling yourself, "I deserve better than that! I am worth more than that!" . . . BECAUSE YOU ARE!!!!!!!
Confused4Now Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Wooo-Hooo! Just keep telling yourself, "I deserve better than that! I am worth more than that!" . . . BECAUSE YOU ARE!!!!!!! Focus on YOU YOU YOU YOU......enjoy life and focus on YOU YOU YOU:love:
BB07 Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Wooo-Hooo! Just keep telling yourself, "I deserve better than that! I am worth more than that!" . . . BECAUSE YOU ARE!!!!!!! I second and third this....... Remember that you deserve more pleasure than pain from a relationship......it doesn't matter if it's a OW situation or not, love is not supposed to make you less than.
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I do expect him to come sniffing at some point. He will probably say, "What's wrong?" Then you say "Nothing. Been really busy lately, that's all." Be casual and aloof. Don't let him know that it bothers you he hasn't noticed (trust me, he has, he's just playing it cool seeing how long it'll take before you reach out to him)..Just go about your day like he isn't in it at all. Stay strong! You can do this. As much as it hurts, you're doing the right thing.
confusedinkansas Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I believe once you have it in your mind that NC means NC..... You Can Do It! I just hope for your sake that he can respect your wishes. Although, since you haven't had "The Talk" ... He's a guy......He may not "Get It" If ya know what I mean. I don't know your whole story, but, if he's married & you're not I'm guessing it'll be more difficult for him. You were his means of escape. Stick to your guns.
Owl Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I'm going to disagree. If he comes around and asks what's wrong...tell him the TRUTH. "Nothing's wrong...I'm just done with the affair. Our relationship is now purely professional, and as another professional I expect you to keep it that way. With that said, is there something I can do for you, Mr. (insert name here)?". Not spelling it out sets the stage for him to continue to pester you until you do so. End it up front and clearly. THEN walk away with your head held high.
Author newpriorities Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Thanks to everyone! I made it through the day. He did stop by, briefly, twice. Once was at the end of the day. He sat down for 15 min and then had to leave for home. I acted purely professinally, didn't ask about his weekend or anything. I KNOW he senses something is wrong, but he didn't even ask. I do want to be very clear to him but I couldn't quite get the words out in this setting--there were so many other people coming in and out.On the other hand, I don't want to suggest getting together outside of work because lately that has meant sex and I don't want to give him that message (and not sure I would trust myself to be truly alone with him)! Anyways. I feel like I'm in AA--one day at a time. Thanks again. I know it's a journey but it's so nice to know I'm not alone!
anne1707 Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 15 minutes is about 14.5 minutes too long! You have to be tough for your sake. If you ask him to leave your room and he doesn't then you get up and leave. You need to take control.
fooled once Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Ok, I posted under Waiting for my Blackberry and received so much encouragement I did it. We work together so I will run into him, but I did not email him at all over the weekend and I did NOT go to his office this morning, which would've been the norm. He hasn't come looking for me either. Wouldn't that just be the height of irony? I stop contact and he doesn't even notice! I do expect him to come sniffing at some point. He will probably say, "What's wrong?" But I decided not to even have "the talk." As you have seen from my earlier posts, he has treated me very badly, even within the confines of an A. After 3 years I guess I should just be grateful we didn't have a dday where others got hurt. After 3 years, I am retaking my power and my self-respect. I know that I will hurt and I sure will miss the physical relationship , but at least I'm smiling today. Please help me get through the day and stick to my resolve! Thanks!! YEAH!!! Good for you!! And tomorrow, while it may be a little bit harder, it will also be a small step towards a NEW LIFE for you! A life free of hiding, free of secrets, free of lies and moving towards setting new boundaries for YOU, new men for YOU and new beginnings for YOU!!! Hang in there and good luck tomorrow!!
Author newpriorities Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 YEAH!!! Good for you!! And tomorrow, while it may be a little bit harder, it will also be a small step towards a NEW LIFE for you! A life free of hiding, free of secrets, free of lies and moving towards setting new boundaries for YOU, new men for YOU and new beginnings for YOU!!! Hang in there and good luck tomorrow!! Yes, this second day is much harder. I just ran into him, kept it brief and walked away. So why do I feel like I am being the hurtful/mean one here? He's the one who rarely chooses to contact me outside of work and I am not allowed to do so. So when I choose not to contact him during work, why do I feel like I'm being unkind? Perhaps because I haven't sat him down and explained any of this to him. But then again, he's the one that has to rush home every day (child duties). Then again, if he wants to play b-ball w/colleagues after school, he makes that happen. Anyways, just venting here. My actions are solid, but it sure is like being an addict (I presume), where the addiction is in one's face everyday and everyday I have to choose no.!:D
skywriter Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 newpriorities, you sound like a very grounded, rational person. I've asked myself, why I feel guilty or feel I'm being hurtful, towards the MM as well. I've thought that maybe as the available person in the A. I tend to want to believe it's an actual relationship, when in fact it's not. It definitly wouldn't be if the MM was forced to confront his W. So, I have to remind myself that I'm am not his priority. I actually,become more convinced ,that I'm on the best path for myself when I rationalise this within myself.
Owl Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I'd agree with the others...don't let him sit around you that long anymore. Point blank tell him the affair is over, that it's not negotiable, and that he needs to limit any and all contact to REQUIRED work related material only.
fooled once Posted November 3, 2010 Posted November 3, 2010 Yes, this second day is much harder. I just ran into him, kept it brief and walked away. So why do I feel like I am being the hurtful/mean one here? He's the one who rarely chooses to contact me outside of work and I am not allowed to do so. So when I choose not to contact him during work, why do I feel like I'm being unkind? Perhaps because I haven't sat him down and explained any of this to him. But then again, he's the one that has to rush home every day (child duties). Then again, if he wants to play b-ball w/colleagues after school, he makes that happen. Anyways, just venting here. My actions are solid, but it sure is like being an addict (I presume), where the addiction is in one's face everyday and everyday I have to choose no.!:D Know why you feel like the 'bad' one? Because you have allowed him to dictate the "rules" of the affair -- as in, you can't contact him, but you are to be there should he decide to call you, see you, etc. He knows "work" is when you are allowed to see him/talk to him and because YOU are choosing to NOT do that, you are feeling bad. Screw that. Take back YOUR life! How are you doing tonight?
Author newpriorities Posted November 3, 2010 Author Posted November 3, 2010 Know why you feel like the 'bad' one? Because you have allowed him to dictate the "rules" of the affair -- as in, you can't contact him, but you are to be there should he decide to call you, see you, etc. He knows "work" is when you are allowed to see him/talk to him and because YOU are choosing to NOT do that, you are feeling bad. Screw that. Take back YOUR life! How are you doing tonight? Thanks, I am doing well tonight! I am still struggling w how to "end" this. To have a talk or not? As OWL has suggested I should be very clear and concise, but it feels so cold to slip that in while people are in and out. Ok Fooled I can hear you now, "I am allowing him to dictate the rules". Under his rules there is no other opportunity for me to tell him. Ok ok, I'm nauseating myself (is that even a word?!) by simply dedicating this much mental energy to him. Oh and I bought some running shoes and signed up for a yoga class....what a difference a week can make.!!
fooled once Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Thanks, I am doing well tonight! I am still struggling w how to "end" this. To have a talk or not? As OWL has suggested I should be very clear and concise, but it feels so cold to slip that in while people are in and out. Ok Fooled I can hear you now, "I am allowing him to dictate the rules". Under his rules there is no other opportunity for me to tell him. Ok ok, I'm nauseating myself (is that even a word?!) by simply dedicating this much mental energy to him. Oh and I bought some running shoes and signed up for a yoga class....what a difference a week can make.!! You are doing good. Did you decide what YOU are going to do???? Remember, YOU do matter and YOU control YOU!
maravilla Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 That is great that you are filling up your time, but FYI yoga increases your sex drive. I was a damn horndog when I was doing yoga on a regular basis. Be sure to stay well away from your xMM! I agree! I did P90X for awhile and yoga was the hardest but best day because it left me feeling totally wiped out yet also relaxed and energized and, yep, horndoggy. LOL!! Okay newpriorities I'm joining Club NC. Today is the first day without my MM. Let's wish each other strength!
Author newpriorities Posted November 5, 2010 Author Posted November 5, 2010 I agree! I did P90X for awhile and yoga was the hardest but best day because it left me feeling totally wiped out yet also relaxed and energized and, yep, horndoggy. LOL!! Okay newpriorities I'm joining Club NC. Today is the first day without my MM. Let's wish each other strength! Ok! So how's the NC club gping for you? I read your story---wow, rough, hang in there! I am finding that if I do a little something for myself each day it help--start a new book, take the time to watch a silly tv show, take a bubble bath it helps.it is really hard seeing him at work. And I found out our boss scheduled us for a business trip! It's not for awhile but I'm going to have to find a way out of that one--I can feel the appendicities coming on now! Can you tell I use humor to deal with pain? I actually composed a text to him one day last week, talling him I missed him (remember he doesn't even know abt my decision! That's how in tune he is) but hit discard instead of sending it. Now that I look back on it, I think he's tried to end it several times--most recently a few months ago where he said we needed to just cool things off. Of course I threw myself (and my dignity) at him and the "cooling" period lasted onlt 2 days! Now I wish I had accepted it. But as others have said, we all have our own path/time table for these things. It's the weekend--yeah! I used to dreas them, now I love them. Does it hurt--terribly--but ecerytime I am tempted to "go back" I logon to LS and remind myself of the rollercoaster that would start!
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