Mermaid22 Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I have been with my fiancée for three years..We got engaged in the spring. We broke up 10 days ago after a minor argument but it seemed to have raised issue's within him which made him decide to leave. I won't bore you with the details but his reasons for leaving where that he felt that his feelings of worthlessness and feelings of emasculation stopped him participating fully in our relationship, therefore he felt that he needed to 'achieve' in life independently before he felt ready to be in any relationship. The reality is that he is achieving, he is in work and at University which is wonderful. On the initial breakup, I was upset and 'pleaded with him to stay' I pointed out that our issue's could be resolved.. He ask me to respect his decisions to be single and so I did. He said he loved me and he said that I was justified for my reasons in relation to the argument which triggered it off. I then done the 'no contact' for five days..giving him space which he very much needed. He then contacted me on the weekend asking if he could come around to pick up his items. (We lived together) When he arrived, I was cheerful, dignified, pleasant and non judgemental. To be honest he was expecting 'drama' but he got the complete opposite!!!!! 1. Even though this was supposed to be THE BIG MOVE OUT, he took about 50% percent of his items. He left things in our home which I know are dear to him..antiques and such like. 2. Then he said he would leave his tool set, because he wished to do me some DIY around the house for me! 3. He spoke about coming to a social event (my friends) sometime in December. 4. He has kept all my friends and family on his facebook and appears to want to keep links with them. Anyway 1 hour after he left (with 50%) of his items.. He text me two time's. The first was " Thanks ........I will miss you. But for both of us it's not the end it's the beginning' The 2nd text "I have thought long and hard about us and have contemplated staying with you. Though this is sad, it's been a wake up call to my attitude to the relationship. I do not deserve you and took you for granted. You are an amazing woman, intelligent and beautiful and an encouragement for me to be more confident in life." Now we have a tight bond and to be honest my view is that his a little depressed and this issue is really about his self-esteem and how he views himself. I DO want him back, but I he needs to address his feelings of worthlessness because if this issue is not dealt with, then it will happen again later in the future. My question to the forum.. Does it seem he REALLY wants me back? How to I negotiant the ' non contact rule' but at the same time provide him a opportunity to come back... How do I balance this? What should I do next, has I'm sure I will get a call soon, him offering to visit our home to do a DIY job!!! Any any other insights that come to mind? Thanks guys
danny1972 Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 been together 3 years ? engaged in the spring ? he obviously felt comfortable enough to stay with you for 3 years and also get engaged to you it seems his issues were never a prob for the last 3 years , why the sudden turn around ? i think the reasons for his break up with you aren't valid it makes no sense if he had some sort of underlying problem self esteem , self worth etc... it would have surfaced sooner rather than later i would probe a little deeper personally there seems to be an alterier motive behind this
Author Mermaid22 Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Hi, thanks for your words.. Yes it did happen before... 1st time was three months into our relationship..Same issue, he felt not good enough... Then 9 months in (we was apart for 1 month) again he expressed the same issue............ That's why I guess, if we did get back together, then I would suggesting he goes too counselling.... because it's a never ending circle...
danny1972 Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 seems he has a lot of work to do on himself regardless of wether or not you recocile but more importantly he has to want to get help without any influence from anyone all you can do is point him in the right direction the rest of the journey is down to him ,also there is no guarantee he will be willing to give it another shot once his issues have been worked out he may be in a stronger position to move on , depends on his feelings i guess
WTRanger Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 That doesn't sound like a minor argument to me. What was the argument about? It could help point advice if we knew what it was you two argued about to cause the break up so shortly after you were engaged. For you to properly implement NC in this case is to not reach out to him. Let him come to you and in/when he does you need to use your absolute best judgment with if you think he is being sincere or not. Though, in my opinion, NC does not give you the green light to simply ignore him. If you don't think he is being sincere, you should tell him so and tell him that you two need some time apart (insert number of weeks/months/years). If you don't respond, it will only make him act out in a harsh manner, especially if he has Self issues. I do 100% agree with you that if he want's a 5th chance, he needs to seek counseling to get over his Self issue.
Author Mermaid22 Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 I'm just tired of always being the strong one all the time....
LovelyDaze Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I'm sorry if this causes you anxiety, but is your ex seeing someone else? It sounds like he wants you at his convenience and not the whole enchilada (i.e. marriage, living together 100%, etc.) Ask yourself something. What do YOU want? It sounds like he wants to have a "kinda-sorta relationship" without all of the dedication and responsibility. You've got to be straight forward about this with him. Ask him if he wants to work on the relationship or to go your separate ways. Be serious about it. Tell him to take ALL of his things out if he wants to enter the "friend zone" with you. It feels good to know where things stand. Take it. Let him know that you are confused and need to know if you are a couple or not.
Am4Real Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Any any other insights that come to mind? Thanks guys The temporary "single act" may be a ploy to work in another love interest without fuilly letting go of you until he is sure of things...just a hunch.
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