Serial Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Hello, This girl and I dated for 4 years. 2 years into the relationship, she broke it off, saying: "I need some time to figure out what I want in life". She ended up sleeping with a couple guys, but after 6 months of being apart, we were able to come back together and make it work. That is until 2 years later when she decided to do it again. I told her that she had done this once, and what if she were to realize it was a mistake (like the first time) and come back to me? She said she didn't do it right the first time, and that if she realized it was a mistake, she would just leave me alone. She sent me a couple texts for a few days after the breakup, to which I told her: "If you don't want to be with me, please leave me alone". It's been over a month now of no contact. I feel better than I did at the beginning obviously, but it's still really difficult. We're not friends on facebook, but the other day She popped up in my suggested friends area, and her profile picture made it look like she was having the time of her life. My question is: How can she seemingly move on so quickly, and be happy, when I'm still hurting? It would be one thing if I was a jerk, or controlling or something, but she kept reassuring me that she doesn't expect to find someone else like me, and that she thought I was a perfect guy. Apparently not perfect enough to stay with though.... Can she really be happy, and not even hurt by ending a 4 year relationship with me? I also wonder if people take happy go lucky profile pictures just to fake being happy and appear to be unaffected? It's been eating away at me, thinking that I'm mourning her while she's happy and completely over me. Do people fake being happy in profile pictures? Thank you
Leandro Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Welcome to LS Serial. I'm sorry to hear about your situation. That's good that you stopped contact with her. No one knows how your ex is feeling or why she is putting up happy go lucky photos on fb. Block her on fb so you don't have to see her anymore. I'm sorry that I can't give much advice, but there are other here that will help you out a lot more. Again, welcome.
mogul Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I'm in a similar situation. It is hard that they could be so cold, acting if it never really mattered. However, maybe its just me, but I would of never taken her back after shes been with another guy. Maybe its best you don't make that mistake again.
Am4Real Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 (edited) That is until 2 years later when she decided to do it again. I told her that she had done this once, and what if she were to realize it was a mistake (like the first time) and come back to me? She said she didn't do it right the first time, and that if she realized it was a mistake, she would just leave me alone. That statement should tell you everything you need to know and think going forward...please read on. My question is: How can she seemingly move on so quickly, and be happy, when I'm still hurting? It would be one thing if I was a jerk, or controlling or something, but she kept reassuring me that she doesn't expect to find someone else like me, and that she thought I was a perfect guy. Apparently not perfect enough to stay with though.... Can she really be happy, and not even hurt by ending a 4 year relationship with me? I also wonder if people take happy go lucky profile pictures just to fake being happy and appear to be unaffected? It's been eating away at me, thinking that I'm mourning her while she's happy and completely over me. Do people fake being happy in profile pictures? Serial, We will never know if she is having the time of her life or regretting her every move. Here on L.S. the most experienced of posters will tell you not to focus on her, she is gone, and to focus on healing yourself. To address your questions in part, you tell us she has established a history of breakups “to find herself” now that this is the second time in four years a breakup has occurred. That should tell you everything. I would expect reconciliation would lead to the same behavior again and/or this action will repeat itself in future relationships she encounters. Likely if you give your situation careful thought there were signs of her disinterest long before she went her own way. Perhaps she is/was bored; perhaps a constant issue of hers was not being addressed; perhaps some new friends have entered the picture…whatever they are remember these are HER ISSUES and she will now have to deal with them. They are no longer your issues or concerns because her actions have terminated any actions necessary or effective at this stage. Do you see that? When you mention her presumed happiness and how she could so quickly get over you, those are your suppositions my friend. You have no idea whether she is happy or tormented, content in her decision to leave you or filled with regret. Again the focus is no longer on her and these possibilities, all of the focus must be on you and healing. Tell us what you are doing now to help yourself? Are you meeting new people? How are you keeping busy? One last thing…as the days go by you have to ask yourself each and every day this: “if she called me today and went as far to beg me to take her back, would I do so and what could I really expect from this third reconciliation”. Write the answer down on a little piece of paper along with the date and toss it in a shoebox. Watch what happens over the course of a few days, then weeks as the notes begin to accumulate – once you thoroughly think through the way you’ve been treated and the way you feel, eventually logic will take over for your emotions. I’ll be those notes will have only two letters scribbled within: [highlight]NO[/highlight] (she knows not me or what she really wants) And do people fake profile pictures…I have no idea! You know this person better than any of us do…and I suspect you believe she is prone to falsehoods of sorts. But in the end who cares…you’re worried about her in a small way and frankly that’s a waste of energy. Stop caring and become focused on you so you can heal and make yourself attractive to the next really great girl that will enter your life when you least expect it! Now go ahead and get that first little piece of paper ready… Best wishes – we’re all with you here, Am4Real Edited November 1, 2010 by Am4Real
Ajax Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Spot on reply Am4real. I agree with everything you said. As for fake Facebook pictures, I don't think they're "fake" per se. Most people aren't going to put up a profile picture in which they look miserable. People put their best foot forward, and that includes social networking sites. You can't read into the fact that she has a "happy" picture up. My FB picture has me smiling with friends and I was the dumpee. I'm certainly not going to put something up that makes me look all depressed even though a lot of the time I am. Facebook is the devil anyway. I haven't been able to bring myself to block my ex either but I should. I happened upon a newsfeed yesterday and found out my ex is moving 15 hours away. That was like a punch in the stomach, and it's been well over 2 months since she keft me. Fact is we can't control what our exes do or how they choose to live their lives. We need to keep moving forward and focus on ourselves right now. Good luck!
WTRanger Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 In my experience with my own exs, my brother and sister's exs, my friends exs, and so on, is that when the ex or the person I know is claiming "the time of their life" they are putting up a front for how they feel inside. As Ajax said, most Facebook photos aren't going to be of you slumped over in a dank bar, surrounded by empty bottles of beer and a puddle of your own tears on the floor. The people that do post updates on Facebook on how depressed they are, those are just as equally annoying. You are hurting because you are dealing with the break up, she isn't at this time. She could be either acting as if nothing happened and running away from it, or she broke up with you a long time ago. As the case is many breakups, the dumper usually did their grieving many months ago. They just got through it with you, then when they've healed enough they drop the ax on the relationship which in turn stuns you. As you heal, start to objectively look back at the last 2 years. I bet you'll start to see signs that it wasn't all roses and candy.
Author Serial Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Thank you so much for taking the time. It truly does make it easier to know that people out there have felt what I've felt, and I'm not exception to it. My biggest struggle right now, is of course: the feeling that she's already over our relationship, and could even be doing all the things we did together, but with a new guy. I know I'm not supposed to think of her, and to honest, I can't really imagine ever being with her again. But sometimes it feels like she was "the girl I spent 4 years of my life with" then"this weird, destructive person that has hurt me more than anyone has". I have really good friends that have gotten me out of the house and will tell me that she's not worth it. I think one of the most difficult things is letting go of those intimate moments we shared, that rest in the back of my mind. None of my friends were there and know what her and I shared in moments like that, so it can play games with your head sometimes. Thanks again everyone. I truly appreciate your time and energy.
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