Relax or Try harder

[Aflac2010]

So I've only been in one relationship and it didn't last long. Before and after that it's always really hard for me to get a girlfriend or even a date. People say keep trying, everybody gets rejected, don't let that stop you, you'lle meet the right woman some day, yatta yatta, yatta. But as you can imagine, and as most of you probably know by experience, it's very difficult not to get demoralized or discouraged when you see everyone else having at least occassional success with their lovelife when you have hardly any. The two things that others usually tell me is either 1. Oh just relax, don't worry about getting a girlfriend, be yourself, and one will come eventually, or 2. I have to try harder and be more proactive with women. Which is better to you, what do you recommend?

[sanskrit]

1. Work on yourself until you are who you want to be, and hopefully that includes physical, mental, emotional, financial, and general accomplishment goals. Once you are hitting some of these types of goals, only then go into the dating market.

 

2. Relax and take rejection as just another step to get to "yes." Don't care about being turned down by women. They are just people. Even if women say "no" to you, being known as someone who makes an effort builds respect in them moreso than being the wormy guy in the corner who never sticks his neck out. If you have lots to offer, women will see your assertiveness as a plus regardless of whether they are personally interested or available right then. IME, women tend to separate men into the followers and leaders, guys who make things happen and those who don't, and leaders get more play.

 

3. Don't focus on approaching women sexually until you are comfortable with yourself and have a broad social network. Start meeting people of all types, ages, races, social strata. You can't build confidence with women until you are confident with people generally. Start breaking your comfort zone. When out, meet everyone you see and engage people in conversation. Most people are sheep and waiting for an assertive person to step up and add interest to their mundane lives. Remember people's names and treat them well and with respect. When social value goes up, confidence follows and women become interested without your having to do anything. People flock to those who make social things happen and to those who create an enjoyable atmosphere. Did I say break your comfort zone already? If you can do this, your life will become richer.

[Tim The Enchanter]

The two things that others usually tell me is either 1. Oh just relax, don't worry about getting a girlfriend, be yourself, and one will come eventually

 

People who say that are invariably women. It's easy for them to say, when they're not expected to do any chasing. All a woman has to do, in principle, is to make herself at least reasonably attractive, and men will ask them out.

 

If a man were to do the same thing, i.e. sit back and let women come to him, he would never get any dates. Trust me, I speak from experience.

 

Having said that, it's also not a good idea to approach dating with a sense of desperation, so to be relaxed with this thing is a good idea. Don't confuse being relaxed with complacency.

[Disillusioned]

People who say that are invariably women. It's easy for them to say, when they're not expected to do any chasing. All a woman has to do, in principle, is to make herself at least reasonably attractive, and men will ask them out. If a man were to do the same thing, i.e. sit back and let women come to him, he would never get any dates.

 

Bingo!

That's exactly why I believe we've been outpaced by our technology. A computer doesn't care if you're a man or a woman... but if it did, it would probably wonder why nearly all the women wait around to get picked instead of being proactive, like the men invariably are.

 

I still think there'd be a lot better results if women would start breaking this antiquated rule more and more... but they don't, either because 1. they don't want to be ostracized as rule-breakers, 2. they don't want to deal with rejection, or 3. they whine about having to do all the work when someone suggests that they be more proactive.

 

If you think I'm pulling your pud, there's a site called HerWay where things are completely backwards... men join for free but are not allowed to message women unless the women pick them first. Needless to say, that site is pretty dead... women don't want to break the rules.

 

Remember when playing hard-to-get was the rule? Guess why it fell out of fashion, people who played it ended up not gotten. The old rules don't work in the online world.

 

Women scorn the "easy" woman who makes herself available... but guess what, some of that feeling is just envy because she has adapted to the new rules and has something to show for it.

[Aflac2010]

1. Work on yourself until you are who you want to be, and hopefully that includes physical, mental, emotional, financial, and general accomplishment goals. Once you are hitting some of these types of goals, only then go into the dating market.

 

2. Relax and take rejection as just another step to get to "yes." Don't care about being turned down by women. They are just people. Even if women say "no" to you, being known as someone who makes an effort builds respect in them moreso than being the wormy guy in the corner who never sticks his neck out. If you have lots to offer, women will see your assertiveness as a plus regardless of whether they are personally interested or available right then. IME, women tend to separate men into the followers and leaders, guys who make things happen and those who don't, and leaders get more play.

 

3. Don't focus on approaching women sexually until you are comfortable with yourself and have a broad social network. Start meeting people of all types, ages, races, social strata. You can't build confidence with women until you are confident with people generally. Start breaking your comfort zone. When out, meet everyone you see and engage people in conversation. Most people are sheep and waiting for an assertive person to step up and add interest to their mundane lives. Remember people's names and treat them well and with respect. When social value goes up, confidence follows and women become interested without your having to do anything. People flock to those who make social things happen and to those who create an enjoyable atmosphere. Did I say break your comfort zone already? If you can do this, your life will become richer.

 

Thanx for the advice. I'm already doing number 1, however I've seen guys in high school get girls and I know they didn't reach all their goals in high school. It sounds a little bit like you may have made some assumptions about me. I'm already comfortable with myself, there's been times when I've had plenty of friends, and I have stepped outside of my comfort zone and interacted with others from diverse backgrounds. I've spent the last 7 years travelling internationally and currently I'm an american studying in Canada. So I definitely live life, socialize with others, and I am confident in most aspects, just not with women because of previous results.

[Aflac2010]

People who say that are invariably women. It's easy for them to say, when they're not expected to do any chasing. All a woman has to do, in principle, is to make herself at least reasonably attractive, and men will ask them out.

 

If a man were to do the same thing, i.e. sit back and let women come to him, he would never get any dates. Trust me, I speak from experience.

 

Having said that, it's also not a good idea to approach dating with a sense of desperation, so to be relaxed with this thing is a good idea. Don't confuse being relaxed with complacency.

 

Ditto. I agree with the first two paragraphs. Yeah it is hard to understand that middle ground of relaxed but not complacent or appearing desperate.

[sanskrit]

Not really assumptions other than based on that you posted you have only had one relationship and have trouble finding them.

 

Am envious, though, would have loved to study in Canada back in the day, found people generally much more social and less cliquey there when I traveled there in college. Very easy to meet women there way back then, no idea if it's the same or not.

[Aflac2010]

Bingo!

That's exactly why I believe we've been outpaced by our technology. A computer doesn't care if you're a man or a woman... but if it did, it would probably wonder why nearly all the women wait around to get picked instead of being proactive, like the men invariably are.

 

I still think there'd be a lot better results if women would start breaking this antiquated rule more and more... but they don't, either because 1. they don't want to be ostracized as rule-breakers, 2. they don't want to deal with rejection, or 3. they whine about having to do all the work when someone suggests that they be more proactive.

 

If you think I'm pulling your pud, there's a site called HerWay where things are completely backwards... men join for free but are not allowed to message women unless the women pick them first. Needless to say, that site is pretty dead... women don't want to break the rules.

 

Remember when playing hard-to-get was the rule? Guess why it fell out of fashion, people who played it ended up not gotten. The old rules don't work in the online world.

 

Women scorn the "easy" woman who makes herself available... but guess what, some of that feeling is just envy because she has adapted to the new rules and has something to show for it.

 

You make good points also. I actually started another thread about why men are expected to make the first move. That's a unique website you mentioned. Too bad it's dead. It might be like adultfriendfinder where there's just a bunch of fakes.

[mogul]

Most women do not place looks as their highest priority, rather they want a man who is interested in them as a person and who makes it clear that he enjoys their company.

 

So my advice (as a woman) is definitely to relax but don't stop plugging away. If you like a woman then show her that you enjoy being with her, but take it slowly. Place a little more importance on the 'getting to know' stage before jumping to 'your place or mine!'

 

 

I couldn't disagree more. Looks is what initially gets you in the door, and personality is what is judged later on to see if you are potential relationship material or fun.

 

OP, It depends on whether you want a fling or a potential ltr. If its the latter, I would just try to let it be natural and strike up a convo with someone you think is attractive in day to day life. I'm working on it myself as I am over the random girls I meet at clubs. If you just want a random fling, any joe with a decent face and half a personality can get a girl on a nightly basis.

 

There are some great girls that go clubbing, but their intentions usually aren't to find a lasting relationship and more fun oriented.

[Disillusioned]

You make good points also. I actually started another thread about why men are expected to make the first move. That's a unique website you mentioned. Too bad it's dead. It might be like adultfriendfinder where there's just a bunch of fakes.

 

I can only speak for myself, but personally I'm turned on by women who go beyond flirting---and they have laundry lists. Such women aren't wishy-washy, even if I don't have what they're looking for.

[Aflac2010]

Not really assumptions other than based on that you posted you have only had one relationship and have trouble finding them.

 

Am envious, though, would have loved to study in Canada back in the day, found people generally much more social and less cliquey there when I traveled there in college. Very easy to meet women there way back then, no idea if it's the same or not.

 

Well I have only had one relationship and difficulty besides that. But it's not because I'm not getting out there enough, or I'm not comfortable with myself because I am. Yeah I love Canada. For me difficult to meet women, but that's just my experience.