Francoslavic Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 All right, first, I'm a newbie on here, so let's get some things out of the way. I'm eighteen as of September, a uni freshman, and probably looking for love in all the wrong places. I've been... well, we'll call it 'emotionally precocious' my whole life. I started actively noticing men - not boys, men - at nine years old, and it's only gotten worse with time. I've also been an ugly duckling. Between bad acne, scalp issues and overly-conservative clothing due to body image problems, boys in high school thought I was all but untouchable. And it hurt. Instead of embracing growing up and getting closer to the age group of the men I was interested in, all I got was bitter. But nobody likes a bitter old hag, right? So I invested in some classier, more feminine clothes, tea tree shampoo, red lipstick, and lost fifteen pounds. Trust me, that was enough - I'm now a few pounds underweight. And as I do things like take classes I'm interested in and get involved in the school Swing Club, I'm noticing the opposite sex again. I'm a little bothered that I'm doing this, because the last time I had a crush all it led to was a big bout of depression. And I need that like I need a hole in my head. Before Friday I had three options: Guy A I met at a seminar about careers in the humanities. He's mad about film and literature like I am, wants to write-direct like I do, and seems to have an intelligent, easygoing personality. We hit it off very well and had several - well, I don't know, would you call them dates? - anyway, we met for Starbucks or pizza a couple of times, and each time spent a good hour being movie nuts. A hell of a good time, but he hasn't contacted me in the past few weeks, so I'm a little worried as to what happened. Guy B I met through Swing Club. He's very mellow and is a big history/historical fiction nerd without being a pretentious knowitall, which - believe me - is rare among history fans. He cleans up nice, too, and drives me home from dances sometimes since we live closeby. However, I'm worried that he's just not interested in dating right now. Not to mention we have a mutual friend that can get very annoying about pushing me into interacting with him all the time. I'm trying not to seem clingy and she's trying to make me cling. Guy C sits next to me sometimes in Russian class. He's eye candy, and a native speaker, which just ups the heat. But I get the feeling he's kind of a party boy, and a fourth-year boy going for a freshman girl? Not a chance. So, really, not much of a prospect here. Sit back. Enjoy the view. Don't miss him next quarter. Now, this would be fine, but on Friday I went swing dancing again and met Guy D. And I have no idea what to do. We'd worn the same type of costume and my friends told me I should go have a dance with him, just because the matching thing was an icebreaker. Cheesier than Velveeta, but I went along with it. We ended up dancing quite a few - he was good, and we both had a lot of fun - and when we left he slipped me his number. Now, as you can imagine from what I told you in the introduction, I'm not used to males so much as acknowledging my existence. So for me, this is HUGE. I waited until this afternoon to call and leave a message with my number - I'm really paranoid about not looking needy or obsessive. And I kid you not, he spent the entire afternoon texting me. Not just hey-how-are-yous, either, but things like how he found it "really attractive" that I was a writer and that I "made his night" on Friday. A couple of hours later he called me "hun". And I'm just like, oh God, what now. Never mind that neither my mother nor I really fully understood how my texting plan worked, so these 100 texts of being flirted with have probably just cost us... way more than we can afford. It's really pathetic how inexperienced and girlish I am about these things, because now that I'm a legal adult I try to project a "mature, smart, professional woman" persona. But I'm not, really. I'm a terrible decision maker, because I spend all my time searching for a solution that doesn't hurt anybody. I'm incredibly flattered that this young man's so into me - it kind of makes me think "hey Franco, maybe you're not doomed to a lifetime of solitude" - but I'm worried he's coming on too strong. And if he is, I don't know how to handle it! And what about the other considerations?! Help!
Surrealist Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 So we have ABCD, AC DC, ADHD, ADD BBC CNN boys left right and centre? Cool. Now Francoslavic, calm down, take a deep breath and lets look at the situation with a little more perspective. You are young. I know all young girls think they're all grown up and all, but comparatively, you are very young in the dating world particularly where serious relationships are concerned. You're experimenting with a few guys and you are learning from your experiences. You're learning about different guys, and you're learning lots about yourself as well. There's nothing wrong with this. If anything, your problem is not so much your dating experiences as it is your insecurities you are feeling - I say that will all due respect. You sound like a very intelligent young lady but you just need to work on yourself a bit more, maybe find hobbies you enjoy that don't involve boys, enjoy life and go with the flow. Don't get caught up in too much drama, you got your whole life ahead of you for this. Right now you have your schooling and career to think about and you can enjoy that along with the boys you date, not necessarily rushing to find your perfect partner for life to solve all your dating woes.
Author Francoslavic Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 And to think I gave them single-letter names to protect the innocent! This is why I go to older, more experienced minds, seriously. When your best friend has steady relationships all through high school, your other friend loses her virginity at fourteen, your other other friend who you thought was a dateless wonder magically picks up a boyfriend in her last year of high school, and the one who was the 'fat girl' all through K-12 moves to Canada and starts getting takers... well, there's a tendency to feel inadequate. Maybe I was smart, after all, in deciding to be a workaholic instead of wasting my time on things that I thought would catch male attention and somehow 'validate' me.
Surrealist Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 And to think I gave them single-letter names to protect the innocent! Hey hey I was only playing. I didn't mean to upset you. This is why I go to older, more experienced minds, seriously. When your best friend has steady relationships all through high school, your other friend loses her virginity at fourteen, your other other friend who you thought was a dateless wonder magically picks up a boyfriend in her last year of high school, and the one who was the 'fat girl' all through K-12 moves to Canada and starts getting takers... well, there's a tendency to feel inadequate. Maybe I was smart, after all, in deciding to be a workaholic instead of wasting my time on things that I thought would catch male attention and somehow 'validate' me. Sure, okay, but do you really want to go through life the only way you will feel 'validated' is at the whim of a guy? If any of the guys you meet and date are insecure then they will likely make you feel like poo poo, even if they do so without realising it. So now that you have given us these further details, we can see that it is much more than mere dating problems and my advice above is not negated. You will still need to work on building your self-esteem and self-image so that you do not feel inadequate. These feelings, in excess, are going to make a long-term relationship difficult for your partner if you are looking to him to fill the inadequacies you feel. I'm not going to say that having a good partner cannot assist with this, but he's going to have to be good and grown up, in the end, you will have to build yourself up, and by doing this, you will be a better partner for your boyfriends. Are you cranky with me?
Author Francoslavic Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 (edited) I was playin' too with the 'protect the innocent' comment No no, nonsense. I'm not cranky at all! Funny how something that sounds good in your head sounds terrible over the ethernet. I came here for advice and I got it - and I decided that Mr. Text Happy is going to have to hear that he's a great guy, but I'd better just have male friends for now and see what comes of them later. I feel a little guilty to do it, as he seems so head-over-heels - but as all of my responses to his compliments before had been the "oh gosh, thanks" variety, it's not like I was reciprocating his amount of interest and now I'm backing off just as fast. Edited November 1, 2010 by Francoslavic
Surrealist Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 Okay no worries. Good luck with everything.
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