Midnight Magic Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 My ten year anniversary of my baby's death is approaching and I am having nightmares. The nightmares have been on going for the past month, and they are getting worse. At the age of 25 I was in a very abusive and violent relationship, where I would get beat on a daily basis, and I had to undergo this treatment, and I kept on living with him. When I left the relationship I found out that I was pregnant, and I was an emotional wreck. There was no way that I could raise a baby given my past life. So I had an abortion. I will never forget the look on the doctors face when he was preparing me for the abortion, I know that he hated me. It is a decision that I regret today as I am living in a relationship where my b/f does not want kids. But my concern is how do I make the nightmares go away. I wake up and I see a baby without a face, this is the most common one, or a baby is crying with its hand spread out, and when I get near it to pick it up, this is when I wake up. Please. I want them to stop. No one knows about the abortion, the only person that I have discussed it with is with a male co-worker who has been great and understanding to me. At least I can talk to someone about it. I just want the nightmares to stop. But what can I do.
moimeme Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 See a counsellor. Those folks are trained to help people like yourself.
Girlie Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 Yes, please PLEASE go talk to a counselor. It's not uncommon for people who have had abortions to experience some emotional trauma, and there are people who are trained to help you work through it. Good luck!
meanon Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 Please do get some help. You may always regret the experience but need not feel this degree of psychological distress, this long after the event. You need to forgive yourself.
quankanne Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 Midnight Magic: get professional help to allow you to heal. I know the Catholic Church has something called Project Rachel, which focuses on women who have gone through an abortion. This site has a list of contacts throughout the US, maybe you can find someone nearby. I think they offer counselling in the form of weekend retreats and ongoing contact, but each diocese may differ in its approach. Good luck ... http://www.hopeafterabortion.com/whatispr.html
Tony T Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 Everything happens exactly as it's supposed to...or it would happen another way. Whether you believe in abortion or not, this fetus was not meant to be taken to term simply because it was not. Very often in life there is no explanation for the incomprehensible way things happen but they do happen. In your case, the best thing you can do...in addition to seeking counselling....is to forgive yourself and understand this soul was not meant to come into this world through you. It simply wasn't the time. I hope you are able to soon lay this to rest.
Ihadone Posted March 4, 2004 Posted March 4, 2004 I know how you feel. It was years before I discussed my abortion with anyone. I often wondered how my children's life would be different if they had an older brother or sister or what that child would have grown up to become. It's been 20 years, I still think about it occasionally. Unlike you, I know it was the right thing for me to do given my circumstances. I don't believe for a minute that the Doctor hated you, there are so few doctors performing abortions - they do it because they know that someone needs to. I don't believe he was judging you. Maybe your dream has more to do with your current situation. Are you truly happy staying with your boyfriend knowing that he does not want children? Do you feel you really want to have a child? You may need to find another relationship to make that dream come true. This may be a not-yet-conceived child in your dream reaching out to say "hey Mom, have me". Do not blame yourself. Think about what it would have been like to continue to be linked to your abuser if you had had the child. Think about how hard it would have been on the child. I hope you find peace.
jenny Posted March 5, 2004 Posted March 5, 2004 o, you poor woman. this must be so hard - please do get help and know that you have love, thoughts, and prayers coming for you from this forum. and be reassured that that doctor did not hate you in any way. many doctors who choose to do these operations do so at great personal risk and censure, because they believe it should be available. you have no reason to hate yourself - your local church will help you, as would a women's shelter. please do get help and update us.
Tkay Posted March 5, 2004 Posted March 5, 2004 Hi. I Usually dont come by this subforum, but i saw your thread name. Just felt like supporting you in this hard time, however I think it was a WISE decision you made back then, ALTOUGH you should move on! The past is the past. Get on with your life. Enjoy life... It's way too short.
amazinglywow Posted March 5, 2004 Posted March 5, 2004 ... it isn't something you forget, it's something you learn to live with
overseas2004 Posted March 5, 2004 Posted March 5, 2004 Well my thought and prayers are with you. The same thing happened to me. I was not in an abusive relationship but I was in a bad relationship and I got pregnant at the very end just like you. I ended up having to have an abortion because I was taking anti-depressents at the time and my doctors felt that I could have a child with birth defects. I have to tell you that I have never forgiven myself. I don't have the nightmares that you do but I still think about it a lot. And it is a difficult thing to deal with. I was 34 when this happened and I really wanted to have the baby. My mother and doctors kept convincing me it was potentially dangerous. You should somehow find the strength in you to forgive yourself. I am trying to do that now. I have decided to fast for 7 weeks and then go to confession. You should find a way to do this as well. And as for the dreams it may be a sign of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You should have that checked out. And by the way? Should you really be in a relationship with someone that does not want kids? Especially if you do? And I get the feeling that you do? Just an afterthought. good luck....
SoleMate Posted March 5, 2004 Posted March 5, 2004 Midnight, you do need some counselling help to relieve you of this agony. It sounds as if you were very angry at yourself, and now you are (subconsciously?) dishing out the punishment you feel you deserve. I believe you did the very best you could in a horrendously difficult situation, and I think it is time to make the decision - yes, the decision - to forgive yourself. Say that out loud, "I was in a horribly frightening situation, and I did my very best I was capable of at the time." And get some professional help, please. We're just amateurs here.
Midnight Magic Posted March 9, 2004 Posted March 9, 2004 Thanks all for the comments and support In a time when I feel so very alone, it is great to have you all for support. I feel a pressure has been lifted off me, as I have told someone, there are only 2 people who know about it. I feel stupid that I confessed this to a co-worker, but he has been a great support to me also. I finally reached out again, and I am going for counselling, I have an appointment tonight, The counselling agency has set me up with a male counsellor, I am told he is one of the best, and altho I am hesitant to reach out to a male counsellor, NO OFFENCE MALES.... I just have a hard time reaching out to anyone these days. I feel women will judge me and males won't understand the reason why I did what I did. I do very much appreciate the info from jmargel and it made me very aware of my problem, so that info coming from a male has left me very much reassured and not so uneasy about the talking to a male process. SO thank you very much. The information was just what I needed. Even tho I am getting ansy about going tonight, I just have to put one foot ahead of the other until I get to the session tonight and I am scared. But it is something that I know I have to work on, I don't want to be 50 and still searching this nightmare out. Wish me luck!
ladyangel Posted March 9, 2004 Posted March 9, 2004 Originally posted by Midnight Magic I finally reached out again, and I am going for counselling, I have an appointment tonight... Even tho I am getting ansy about going tonight, I just have to put one foot ahead of the other until I get to the session tonight and I am scared. But it is something that I know I have to work on, I don't want to be 50 and still searching this nightmare out. Wish me luck! Congratulations! And good luck. You will be fine.
Midnight Magic Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Hello there all Yes I think that I am on the road to recovery, and that things are eventually going to get better. The counsellor that I seen has brought up many issues, that I never thought could be the root of my problem. And to think that I was so skeptical. Thanks for all the encouragement. I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
meanon Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 Seeking help after so long must have taken a lot of courage. I'm so glad you are on the way to sorting this out. Well done
jmargel Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 I'm happy for you Midnight that you can finally address this problem of yours in the right way and move on. Congrats to you
fredrolin Posted March 12, 2004 Posted March 12, 2004 I am against abortion. When I was in my teens and early 20's I got 2 different girls pregnant. I was willing to do my part to take care of these children but both girls insisted on abortions. I feel guilty that I was a party to killing my 2 children. today I am married and have a beautiful daughter. But the odds are she would never have been born if my other children had not been aborted. My life most likely would be completely different. I worry I will rot in hell for being a party to those abortions.
Midnight Magic Posted March 18, 2004 Posted March 18, 2004 No you won't go to hell, I too am against abortion, but again every situation is different. There are many reasons why people choose abortions, be it medical, or rape, or just that the birth control was not available. We all do things that we think are the best at the time. I know that at the time, I did the only thing that I felt was an option. And to this day I still believe that I did what was best, and I am not looking back. I am not re-living it, I am putting closure to the whole ordeal. I thought that it would just go away, and sure it does for a little while, but if you really never deal with it, it is always there. Everyday gets better. It really does. And with all the supportive people who have given me comments, I know that I will be alright.
Recommended Posts