Need some positive reinforcement!

[punchbuggy]

So hi everyone, I am new here.

 

I'm 24, a graduate student doing my PhD in a city that isn't my hometown. I'm also gay. I moved here when I was 22, gung ho with the only goal in my life was getting my studies done then moving back home. I came with a few friends who also came for work/studies but a lot of have moved back now.

 

A few months into it, I met the man of my dreams. We met a few times on a patio but one night for a friends birthday party things happened, which went on to dates and something serious. It went on until this July, and the total length was around 1 yr 7 mths.

 

We had a few talks about losing the romance, this and that and trying to figure out how to fix it. We had a plan and we wanted to put into place. My view was it that it was just a temporary thing because I had huge exams to pass before I could get my PhD and that was my priority for four months, and I let him knew that well in advance. I couldn't go out as much, cook as much, spend as much, nor in his case, what he mostly wanted was travel.

 

So come July, I had just returned from a wedding at home, we went camping, a friend visited from home, and then he went on a short trip with a co-worker to San Francisco, co-incidentally the friend who visited me also was there.

 

He came back from his trip, didn't see him for two nights, and then all of the sudden he had to break up with me.

 

I didn't think nothing of it, I thought it was him needing time and space, and I thought hey, were both busy, if we were meant to be together in the future then so be it so I was very happy staying close. He had been having problems with what he wanted in life, his career and his educational goals since they all didn't seem to be coming together. Then a few days went by and in an emotional state I checked his email (bad me bad me) however what I found was he hooked up with my friend (I also found out that they pretty much flirted when my friend was visiting me while I was at work).

 

I confronted him and we went NC for a few days, but since I most of my friends in the city have left for home leaving with few non-mutual friends between us it was hard. As well, he lived a few blocks down the street. So we started having dinners again, watching tv, you know stuff we did before, but on terms that it was platonic and on my impression whatever happened was a one time thing and it was all in the past.

 

Now 3 weeks after I found out what really happened, a friend from home calls me up saying he is there with the "friend" who visited me. I wouldn't have been infuriated, but he called me the night before saying he was gonna be away at his family's cottage and would not be reachable. Obviously he lied since he instead flew 5 hrs to meet up with this guy. I got extremely mad back at first, went NC again, but slowly couldn't handle it, and i was like "understandable, his friend is all by herself there and so he went to visit and he also visited the guy as well" to justify it and we started talking again.

 

Slowly but surely, I find out more and more and now its at the point where I think they are in some sort of wierd LDR. My "friend" is doing half his studies in europe and canada, and so will be back and forth. My ex now essentially plans trips to visit him in europe or my hometown whenever my "friend" is back. I am not jealous, I just find it ludicrous! The money, the time, especially since my "friend" is going to be in this program for 3 years. He wakes up and sleeps at abnormal hours just to talk (I know because he says hes tired all the time) and puts this before even work and his studies.

 

I don't know what i'm feeling. I keep on describing it as not of betrayal, or jealousy, orthe fact that not that i romantically still love my ex, but that I do still love him deeply as a friend, and I don't want him to throw his life away for a few years for something he admits is "ridiculous".

 

So can someone tell me or YELL at me that obviously I am seeing this hopefully from an objective view, yet I still can't get over him. And what bugs me is not that I WANT him, but I want whats best for him and thats slowly becoming detrimental to my wellbeing. As well, how can I care about someone who has cheated on me, then said they wanted to be friends but then lied to my face.

 

I need someone reinforcement/encouragement that makes me snap out of this. MY mind is set that we are not and SHOULD not and WILL not get back together, so is NC the best? Reminder, I only have a few friends left in the city and most of them are mutual.

 

Cheers

[strength-abounds]

Hey Punch,

 

I am sorry for your loss man. You asked if NC was the best method for moving on with the understanding that this relationship is over. My answer is an overwhelming YES!

 

NC is designed to help someone move on after a breakup. Your case is not any different. If you have decided that this relationship is not good for either side, than NC should be your modus operandi.

 

As far as being alone in a strange city, only you can change that. The way I see it, you can go out and make friends; move back home and risk the education you have worked so hard for; or sit inside your domecile and loathe in self-pity.

 

Dude, get out and make your life something to be proud of. Go get your Phd and start kicking the world's a**.

 

Good luck to you.

[lapse]

It sounds like the aspect of this that you are taking the hardest is losing a person to whom you're attached. Here's the thing, though, and I think you've already acknowledged this - he is not your friend. Your friends don't lie to you (even to spare your feelings), they don't do things that are detrimental to your feelings, they don't toy with you like this. If you can manage to break your attachment to him without anger, that's great and more power to you. However, it's understandable if you are angry.

 

If I could determine your plan of action, it would look like this:

1. Go NC

2. Go out and meet new people - at least twice a week, go out... by yourself, if necessary.

3. Take up an activity that you've been interested in for a while. I know, while working on your PhD, it's hard to have other interests, but this is a necessity for you emotionally right now.

4. Insist on having a good time at least a couple of times a week. Whatever it takes, do it. Eventually you will really have a good time for which he was not responsible. And you'll feel better. This is extremely important in breaking your dependence on him.

 

I'm in a similar situation - I moved away from my comfort zone - a nice, liberal, intellectual town (a college town, actually) - to this area that is nice, but very conservative and intellectually dull. I'm implementing the plan I stated above for you and so far it's going ok... no great friends yet, but I'm working on it. And, in the meantime, the growth that happens makes me feel farther away from him and more empowered.

 

Good luck, punchbuggy. I know you'll come out of this better than ever.

[punchbuggy]

It sounds like the aspect of this that you are taking the hardest is losing a person to whom you're attached. Here's the thing, though, and I think you've already acknowledged this - he is not your friend. Your friends don't lie to you (even to spare your feelings), they don't do things that are detrimental to your feelings, they don't toy with you like this. If you can manage to break your attachment to him without anger, that's great and more power to you. However, it's understandable if you are angry.

 

If I could determine your plan of action, it would look like this:

1. Go NC

2. Go out and meet new people - at least twice a week, go out... by yourself, if necessary.

3. Take up an activity that you've been interested in for a while. I know, while working on your PhD, it's hard to have other interests, but this is a necessity for you emotionally right now.

4. Insist on having a good time at least a couple of times a week. Whatever it takes, do it. Eventually you will really have a good time for which he was not responsible. And you'll feel better. This is extremely important in breaking your dependence on him.

 

I'm in a similar situation - I moved away from my comfort zone - a nice, liberal, intellectual town (a college town, actually) - to this area that is nice, but very conservative and intellectually dull. I'm implementing the plan I stated above for you and so far it's going ok... no great friends yet, but I'm working on it. And, in the meantime, the growth that happens makes me feel farther away from him and more empowered.

 

Good luck, punchbuggy. I know you'll come out of this better than ever.

 

Thanks for that. I don't know if you misread but the "friend" in quotations was in reference to the third party, but nonetheless, my ex, deep down I know i should never be friends with him after what he did. I think its just because it brings it more feelings in general about people ie. why some of our mutual friends don't think its that big of a deal (prob because this isn't affecting them directly), so I've pushed those feelings under a facade of "i'll just ignore this little indiscretion, and were not together, but we'll do the same stuff just as before but now as friends since its easier in the short term"

 

But yes, I guess that actually isn't the easiest anymore if its making me unhappy. So I will be following you advice. I have started already, but yeah it will be hard since I have tickets with him and others to lots of things coming up. To me if I break it off and say i'm not going or request him not to go, I feel like i'm the one losing out and the weak one since I can't handle it. So yes, it will be NC, but in those strict group settings i'll make an exception and sit far far away.

 

I hope you find some new great friends as well! I know how tough it is to set up new networks. Although I moved from one big city to another, my new one is mostly just people who moved out here as well (school/work) so essentially no one has wide social networks in the city, and so when we all come together or go out together we all essentially can't introduce one another to new people. I guess when I started my relationship back in the day, that part of my single life wasn't fulfilled yet (finding new people) and in a short period of time when I happened to meet people and actually find one that was interested in me was very very intoxicating, and now I have to ween myself off that.

[Yeahdude22]

Thanks for that. I don't know if you misread but the "friend" in quotations was in reference to the third party, but nonetheless, my ex, deep down I know i should never be friends with him after what he did. I think its just because it brings it more feelings in general about people ie. why some of our mutual friends don't think its that big of a deal (prob because this isn't affecting them directly), so I've pushed those feelings under a facade of "i'll just ignore this little indiscretion, and were not together, but we'll do the same stuff just as before but now as friends since its easier in the short term"

 

But yes, I guess that actually isn't the easiest anymore if its making me unhappy. So I will be following you advice. I have started already, but yeah it will be hard since I have tickets with him and others to lots of things coming up. To me if I break it off and say i'm not going or request him not to go, I feel like i'm the one losing out and the weak one since I can't handle it. So yes, it will be NC, but in those strict group settings i'll make an exception and sit far far away.

 

I hope you find some new great friends as well! I know how tough it is to set up new networks. Although I moved from one big city to another, my new one is mostly just people who moved out here as well (school/work) so essentially no one has wide social networks in the city, and so when we all come together or go out together we all essentially can't introduce one another to new people. I guess when I started my relationship back in the day, that part of my single life wasn't fulfilled yet (finding new people) and in a short period of time when I happened to meet people and actually find one that was interested in me was very very intoxicating, and now I have to ween myself off that.

 

 

go NC. i broke up with her almost a month ago, because at that point i really had to. i let alot of things slide, but i couldnt anymore. it was an awful feeling holding on to something that you knew just wasnt gonna work out no matter how badly you wanted it too or how bad the other person told you they wanted to work either. it needs to be mutual in order for it to work, if someone is putting in all this effort, and the other one is putting in a half hearted effort its never gonna work. even though i was absolutely right in my logic, i let my emotions get the best of me. replied to a text after 2 weeks of NC, thought everything was fine and ended up getting crushed A LOT worse than i originally had. so stick to NC you will thank yourself after wards.

 

i read somewhere, and i dont remember exactly how this quote went but it was something like this. "god put your head above your heart, so that your emotions wouldnt cloud logic" now you dont really need to look at it in a religious aspect, but in the humans thats exactly the case.