Ex moving abroad

[mellow_yellow]

Hello,

 

This is my first post. I haven been lurking for a while and been impressed by the good advice, so I wanted to ask people's opinions on my situation. I am very upset over this.

 

My ex and I broke up 5 months ago. One of the reasons was that he had been offered a job abroad by his company. He wants to move to another country to live and work there. He wants that challenge for himself and says he would not want to get married before he's lived abroad and risen to that challenge. We're both in our early 30s btw. He did not want to do a LDR and neither did I - we have done this before with different partners and it's not for us. I'm in medical school and it would have been difficult for me to move with him - I could not have completed school in the country he would be moving to.

 

Now, I also didn't want to move to the country in question. I have tried to learn the language years ago, and I know something of the country and its people, and what I know is that it's not for me. I love languages and pick them up easily, but I just don't have any urge to learn a language if I don't like the way it sounds or the country is just not a fit for me. And the country my ex would move to for a while is not a fit for me and will never be.

 

Oh, and as for picking another country where we'd both be happy? Well, there are two countries we both love and have done since before we met each other. I want to live there one day, and so does he. However he did not want to wait until I finish school to do so. Also, we had been dating for 2.5 years at this point and he did not want to continue without getting engaged - but he did not want to get engaged before living abroad. Stalemate, really.

 

Also, his job does not transfer so easily to other countries and the offer from his company to work abroad for them for a while is handy in that regard. He does not mind the country they would be sending him to. I hate that country, as I said above.

 

So, we broke up. Tonight he calls me, says he has something he wanted to tell me. I was dreading to hear the "I'm dating someone else now", as we have only been in contact a handful of times since the breakup. At my request...he wants to be friends but I cannot do that yet.

 

He tells me he has resigned from his job and has been offered a job in another country. He sent out his resume to some contacts he has in his field, saying he would be happy to work anywhere in Europe (where we live) but had a particular liking of two particular countries (the ones we both love). And he has now been offered and accepted a job in one of them.

 

I cried after he hung up. It hurts. Not only will he be living somewhere I want to live, but he will be doing it now whereas I will need to wait until I'm done with school (summer 2012) before that can happen. The country he'll be moving to is full of attractive women with interests in outdoors stuff and wintersports (that's his type - I only fit the outdoors part of that brief). So chances are he'll marry one of them. He is 31 now, knows 100% he wants to be married before he is 40, and after he's done the living abroad thing he will feel ready to marry. He said that when we were discussing the future of our relationship. The snag in the plan there was that he didn't want to do a LDR with me, and did not want to marry before he'd lived abroad. And this would have been an issue even if the country had been different (as it is now).

 

I want what he has but cannot have it. At least not before 2012. And some things will be so much more difficult to achieve for me than for him, if not impossible. He has good social skills, interests and is outgoing. He is attractive and open-minded and up for trying new things. He will find it easy to make new friends and have women interested in him. I struggle with being social, have a very low opinion of myself, have no hobbies (I just can't find something I am interested in and God knows I have tried), am not attractive enough to interest the kind of men I would like to date, and don't really know how to make people want to be around me. Throughout our r/s I always wondered what he saw in me, and when my luck would run out and he would become interested in someone who is more on his level. He thought we were on the same level but I just cannot share that opinion. Oh, and I have an STD (genital herpes) courtesy of a fling several years ago who knew he had it but did not tell me. I made him get tested for STDs and got tested myself before going on the pill and stopping to use condoms, but they don't test for herpes in this country and he didn't tell me he had it because I would have insisted on continuing to use condoms...and he hates them. So he knowingly infected me. My most recent ex (first bf after I was infected) didn't mind but I am aware that he is in a minority...many men would not touch me with a bargepole.

 

I feel so upset and lost. I keep imagining him doing the things in the new country that I hope to do one day, like going on weekend trips to the mountains or lakes with friends, having dinner with friends, having a partner do to fun things with, buying an apartment. It'll just happen a lot sooner for him, and because of my inadequacies a lot of that may never happen to me at all.

 

He says that he cannot see himself staying in the new country forever, that eventually he will want to move back because of his family. I kinda believe that (he is very family-orientated) but I also think that chances are he'll love the new country so much and find a woman that will blow him away, and moving back will not be appealing anymore.

 

I have asked him straight out if he ever saw us having another r/s in the future. He says it's very unlikely. Too much water under the bridge. The abroad thing was only one reason we broke up. Other reasons were my lack of self-esteem (I think he is way out of my league, he thought we were on the same level and wanted a partner who is confident in herself and can challenge him), my lack of social skills and my not wanting children.

 

The children-issue is no longer an issue. I am currently being treated for anxiety and depression (meds and therapy) that I've had for years but which was only picked up about a year ago. I thought I would make an inadequate mother. That I could not raise a normal child because I am so deficient myself. Well, I have had some deep conversations with a number of people since the break-up, and my view on having children has changed. I don't know why, but it has. Too late for the relationship though. I told my ex about it and he still feels that getting back together would be unwise.

 

I am so upset and envious of him. I'm pretty sure I don't want him back as such, I rather want what he will have. And I'm not sure i'm good enough to get it. Were he moving to the country I dislike I would be far far less upset and envious.

 

How do I deal with this?

Edited November 1, 2010 by mellow_yellow

[punchbuggy]

Hi So sorry to hear about your loss!

 

I also feel sometimes when I see my ex plan for all these fanciful things with his new partner. I myself, like you is also a student, broke up kinda 5 mths ago too. Both of us wanted to travel, but like you, I had to stay in school. Now I find out hes travelling the world to meet up this his new partner and this and that. I find it hard as well, so I know what you're going through. I also asked the "hey, when I'm done will we get back together" question since then I would not have anything holding me back.

 

I also sometimes felt, my guy was the one. I was student, always working, although i'm personable, don't have that wide of a network here to meet people. I thought my life was complete since the only thing that was missing was the right guy.

 

I find it now, yes it hard, but if we keep thinking about what we've lost we will never be whole again. If were envious of what could've been in the relationship but is happening now in your ex's that will hold you back. So you obviously are educated and logical so you know you have years ahead of you with the opportunity to meet more people! Seize those opportunities!