Are you getting what you want from your affair?

[fooled once]

SoMovingOn recently posted a thread asking:

 

It seems pretty much everything I read here is about people having problems with their A. Anyone here had an A, got married to their A partner, and lived happily ever after?

 

And it was noted by many that getting the "happily ever after" isn't necessarily the only "good choice" in an affair.

 

Some people don't want a full-time relationship with their affair partner. Some do want a full-time relationship. Some partners want different things - to just enjoy what they have versus having a monogamous relationship.

 

So my question is....are you getting what you want from your affair? If all you can have is what you have right now, is that enough? Or are you pushing for more? Or is your affair partner pushing for more?

 

Are you feeling respected, loved, cherished IF that is what you want?

 

Are you feeling like you have all you want - whether it is a full time relationship or a no-strings attached/no more involvement relationship?

 

Is there anything you want different? If there is, do you see things changing? Is there a time-line on how long you will wait for things to change?

 

OR if things did change from a no-strings attached/no more involvement affair, is that okay?

 

I guess my question is - are you happy with how things are RIGHT now? If not, what can YOU do to change that, if anything?

 

We see on here so much about heartache and sadness (which is normal for an online site ... most people don't seek out online communities if they are blissfully happy with everything) ---- I am just curious to see what people want from their A and if they want more, what they can do to make it attainable.

[SoMovinOn]

I am very happy with what we have right now. For 30+ years, we had nothing. Now, we are back together again. Emotionally, we're both all in. If it stays like this forever, I would still be happy with that. Ultimately, we would like to both get divorced and be together, but... we're not counting on that happening.

[OWoman]

So my question is....are you getting what you want from your affair? If all you can have is what you have right now, is that enough? Or are you pushing for more? Or is your affair partner pushing for more?

 

I've been in As where all I had was all I wanted, and it was great.

I've been in As where all I had was all I wanted, but the MM wanted more - which was easily resolved by dumping the MM and moving on. It's always easier for the partner who is less invested.

 

Are you feeling respected, loved, cherished IF that is what you want?

 

Even in NSA As, there was always respect, and I always felt prioritised and cherished, even if the Lurve word was strictly off the agenda. I wouldn't waste my time on a R - any R - where I felt I wasn't being respected, wasn't being prioritised or was just someone's plaything, because I know my own worth. If the person I'm with doesn't recognise it, then they're obviously not appropriate for my purposes.

 

I know not everybody feels like that, but for me it's a non-negotiable.

 

Are you feeling like you have all you want - whether it is a full time relationship or a no-strings attached/no more involvement relationship?

 

I think everybody in every R should take stock of this constantly, whether it's a M, an A, or any other kind of R. If it's not giving you what you want / need right NOW, why are you there?

 

Is there anything you want different? If there is, do you see things changing? Is there a time-line on how long you will wait for things to change?

 

xWs only matter until the kids hit the magic age, so that will happen by itself soon enough....

 

OR if things did change from a no-strings attached/no more involvement affair, is that okay?

 

It was, this last time, because we both wanted it to.

 

I guess my question is - are you happy with how things are RIGHT now? If not, what can YOU do to change that, if anything?

 

Right now, I'm blissfully happy. I've married into a wonderful family that is so full of love that I really couldn't ask for more. :love:

[East7]

I think OWoman is an exception.

 

You NEVER get what you want from an A because it is not an exclusive relationship but a part-time one. You can't do what you want, go in vacations with AP, share things like a normal couple.

 

Even when one pretends it's just for sex, there are very often feelings developed from at least one of the partners so it ends up hurting someone or getting hurt. Still not what you want.

[GreenEyedLady]

I think OWoman is an exception.

 

You NEVER get what you want from an A because it is not an exclusive relationship but a part-time one. You can't do what you want, go in vacations with AP, share things like a normal couple.

 

Even when one pretends it's just for sex, there are very often feelings developed from at least one of the partners so it ends up hurting someone or getting hurt. Still not what you want.

 

Sorry, it wasn't just OWoman.

 

I got vacations, holidays and overnights. If anything, the XW is who got the part-time.

 

It wasn't for sex, it was for keeps.

 

GEL

[pureinheart]

Sorry, it wasn't just OWoman.

 

I got vacations, holidays and overnights. If anything, the XW is who got the part-time.

 

It wasn't for sex, it was for keeps.

 

GEL

 

 

I have no regrets and can relate with GEL. We never will marry because that was not part of the plan, although he did a lot for me in many ways.

 

I'm still working out issues like anyone does in a "break up" or whatever, but have decided to see a wonderful, successful man that has been on my mind and in my heart for quite sometime now (we actually grew up together).

 

ExDM did so much for me, and I for him, and have to say parting is such sweet sorrow....BUT my new future awaits me:D

[East7]

Sorry, it wasn't just OWoman.

 

I got vacations, holidays and overnights. If anything, the XW is who got the part-time.

 

It wasn't for sex, it was for keeps.

 

GEL

 

We are all happy for you GEL, you are a success-story but most of the stories on this board are different.

 

I think the key is setting your expectations at the beginning and not accepting to settle for crumbs.

 

As in a normal R there is always someone who loves more than the other,

 

in an A there is always one who puts his own terms and the other either follows or asks for compromise. It depends who is dominating the R (the AP or the MP)

Also if you don't demand for more, you never get more.

[wheelwright]

We are all happy for you GEL, you are a success-story but most of the stories on this board are different.

 

I think the key is setting your expectations at the beginning and not accepting to settle for crumbs.

 

As in a normal R there is always someone who loves more than the other,

 

in an A there is always one who puts his own terms and the other either follows or asks for compromise. It depends who is dominating the R (the AP or the MP)

Also if you don't demand for more, you never get more.

 

I am sorry this thread hasn't taken off yet!

 

TBH, I was happy for 'crumbs' because they were a bigger part of intimacy with xMOM than he and his W shared, and because I believed their M was over. I could have waited years in that way, happily. And I don't think I would have minded as much as I did if he had stayed with his wife after a many years A.

 

I didn't like the blanking in the street when the R was still so alive. I wanted to explore that life and love, because I knew it was special.

 

I think that is the nature of love anyway. Commitment is about security. Love is about exploration and oneness and caring and feeling so right with another being.

 

I wanted to grow old with xMOM, but I could have easily taken that not having happened if we had allowed ourselves to explore our R. Which in his dead M would have been possible.

 

But not once he had brought it back to life.

[East7]

 

I think that is the nature of love anyway. Commitment is about security. Love is about exploration and oneness and caring and feeling so right with another being.

 

The perception of love seems to be different to some persons (if you were married I understand that you didn't need his commitment). But if you feel so right with someone why wouldn't you want to be with him ?

 

Love brings naturally commitment in the sense of wanting to share a full-time R, share the life together. Commitment is not an obligation; it a pleasure. People get married because they WANT to share their lives, not because they want security.

[GreenEyedLady]

Love brings naturally commitment in the sense of wanting to share a full-time R, share the life together. Commitment is not an obligation; it a pleasure. People get married because they WANT to share their lives, not because they want security.

 

Not everyone marries for love. Some do marry for security. That's a generalization.

 

GEL

[Silly_Girl]

Not everyone marries for love. Some do marry for security. That's a generalization.

 

GEL

 

That's very true. I know 2 women (have known them both for at least 25 years) who married at 20/21 because of their family situation. It took them many years to understand this.

 

One needed to leave home due to alcoholism and obsessive behaviour by a parent, she divorced within 5 years; the other is expecting their 4th child (their eldest is 13) and she left, same as her siblings, due to domestic violence and serial infidelity. The latter considers herself lucky it worked out, she sure didn't marry for love, she married because she wanted to get out of that family and in to his.

[wheelwright]

The perception of love seems to be different to some persons (if you were married I understand that you didn't need his commitment). But if you feel so right with someone why wouldn't you want to be with him ?

 

Love brings naturally commitment in the sense of wanting to share a full-time R, share the life together. Commitment is not an obligation; it a pleasure. People get married because they WANT to share their lives, not because they want security.

 

I was leaving my H. I didn't need it. But DDay changed things. I needed my H not as scarred, and the tally of what I owed changed at that point.

 

But I didn't need actual commitment with xMOM. Kids and families make it complicated.

 

I got married because I felt dedicating yourself to a life partner was the right life choice. I felt I 'could' spend my life with him, though i had subconscious doubts.

 

xMOM was the first person in my 39 years I had met who I WANTED to spend my life with. It didn't matter too much the form that took. If it meant he had to finish stuff before we lived together, or even if we never lived together, I didn't care.

 

I agree that there is no issue surrounding commitment if two people love.

[SoMovinOn]

We are all happy for you GEL, you are a success-story but most of the stories on this board are different.

 

Might that be, at least in part, because those who have issues come here looking for a place to discuss those issues and, hopefully, find some manner of dealing with them, whereas those who are happy/lacking issues, may not feel the need to discuss their A with anyone else?

[GreenEyedLady]

Might that be, at least in part, because those who have issues come here looking for a place to discuss those issues and, hopefully, find some manner of dealing with them, whereas those who are happy/lacking issues, may not feel the need to discuss their A with anyone else?

 

There's a different vibe on this forum now as well.

 

When I first joined I joined to find others like me. I saw the other site, and I didn't feel they were like me at all. And there were those who were happy in their A and there were knock down, drag down "discussions" on this forum. Between OW who defined morality as they see it and weren't afraid to back it up. They're gone now.

 

Now many of the OW who are happy enough have been run off and if you're not ready to be talked into NC, you're bashed to bits.

 

I don't know of any "real" OW who would change her R just because she came here and some people told her she was a bad person. It makes me wonder how "real" some of the stories posted here are.

 

Most OW know that their choice goes against societal norms, thus the need for anonymity.

 

And at the other site, there's plenty of happy ow's. They're not here because of the "guidelines."

 

Anyways, people are going to do what they are going to do. I wouldn't base my view of the norm by what goes on here. I know from personal experience in the world, that plenty of people divorce and marry OP's. Maybe it's just because of where I live, but to say it never happens is just denial.

 

GEL

[fooled once]

We are all happy for you GEL, you are a success-story but most of the stories on this board are different.

 

I think the key is setting your expectations at the beginning and not accepting to settle for crumbs.

 

As in a normal R there is always someone who loves more than the other,

 

in an A there is always one who puts his own terms and the other either follows or asks for compromise. It depends who is dominating the R (the AP or the MP)

Also if you don't demand for more, you never get more.

 

Good post. I do think it is about expectations and 'rules' in how you will be treated -- just like in a relationship with a single person.

 

There's a different vibe on this forum now as well.

 

When I first joined I joined to find others like me. I saw the other site, and I didn't feel they were like me at all. And there were those who were happy in their A and there were knock down, drag down "discussions" on this forum. Between OW who defined morality as they see it and weren't afraid to back it up. They're gone now.

 

Now many of the OW who are happy enough have been run off and if you're not ready to be talked into NC, you're bashed to bits.

 

I don't know of any "real" OW who would change her R just because she came here and some people told her she was a bad person. It makes me wonder how "real" some of the stories posted here are.

 

Most OW know that their choice goes against societal norms, thus the need for anonymity.

 

And at the other site, there's plenty of happy ow's. They're not here because of the "guidelines."

 

Anyways, people are going to do what they are going to do. I wouldn't base my view of the norm by what goes on here. I know from personal experience in the world, that plenty of people divorce and marry OP's. Maybe it's just because of where I live, but to say it never happens is just denial.

 

GEL

 

GEL if this site is so 'different' and you find it so ..... the only word I can think of is bad, why do you stay? I am not sure who all these people are that you continually talk about who told you to leave the MM you are now married to, but I am guessing they are not here anymore, yet you bring up these people quite a bit. I think that is kinda unfair to everyone that you are lumping current members in with a group of people who didn't think your affair would turn into marriage.

 

I also don't think anyone said it never happens. I know it happens as a good friend IRL is with her former MM (and she was a former MW) and they have been happily married for almost 10 years. It does happen. Is it the norm? No, I personally don't believe so, but that is just my belief.

 

Many find affairs distasteful. Many who had affairs find the experience bad. Many find it good. Many find happiness with the MM. Many are happy to continue to be in the affair, yet wish that the MM would leave. Each person's situation is different, yet has many similarities to others affairs. Just because people are 'anti-affair' doesn't mean they don't have good advice to give nor that they can't be supportive. I just don't understand why those with different views are continually judged as 'bitter, mean, unsupportive, their views are unwelcome, etc'.

 

Why does it have to be everyone has to have the same view? Why does it have to be that people can't give their opinion and maybe someone will get something from it? Look at the friendships that have formed from this site? Betrayed spouses and other women. Former other women and current other women. Betrayed spouses and former other women. Wayward spouses and betrayed spouses. People who normally wouldn't (a) know each other or (b) feel they had anything in common have come here AND have found common interests. Isn't that remarkable? People are seeing things from other views and that to me is what internet communities are all about!

[jennie-jennie]

Are you getting what you want from your affair?

 

Yes, a relationship with the man I love.

[OWoman]

I am not sure who all these people are that you continually talk about who told you to leave the MM you are now married to, but I am guessing they are not here anymore, yet you bring up these people quite a bit. I think that is kinda unfair to everyone that you are lumping current members in with a group of people who didn't think your affair would turn into marriage.

 

I can't speak for GEL, but I can speak for myself. My early threads - those that weren't deleted because of all the nasty name-calling directed at OWs - should allow you to see who "all these people" are (or at least, some of them) and you'll see that while some have moved on, others are very much still around. Still telling OWs - as they told me - that MMs never leave, that their particular MM will never leave, that she's just a "side pork" / dirty little secret / free sex and that he really loves his BW because that's who he goes home to every night, that of course they still share a bed and of course they have crash-hot sex every night, that of course he's just telling you he loves you and he's leaving his M and he's looking for a place to stay, they ALL say that and it's just another MM line and they never actually do...

 

The fact that things proved that I was right to believe my H, rather than their claims, doesn't seem to have touched sides. It's as if that just didn't happen. Now, these same posters are very quick to point out that "your situation was different" - but at the time, any time I tried to imply that my situation was different I was shot down in flames, because "As are all the same" and "MMs all read from the same script" and all those other silly mantras that have been shown up to be utter rubbish - but still get trotted out as gospel by those same posters.

 

OWs - ignore the naysayers who attempt to paint all As as doomed and all MMs as the same! Only you know your A, only you know your MM and only you can know whether or not you have a future in your A. Don't allow yourself to be bullied into a position you're not comfortable with - deal with your A the way that feels best to you. NC is not the only solution to an A. Sometimes love and understanding works far better. It all depends on the situation and the people involved - and a bunch of prejudiced strangers with one tool in their toolchest may not be the best people to diagnose or advise you on that. Exercise caution in what you choose to believe and act on.

[fooled once]

I can't speak for GEL, but I can speak for myself. My early threads - those that weren't deleted because of all the nasty name-calling directed at OWs - should allow you to see who "all these people" are (or at least, some of them) and you'll see that while some have moved on, others are very much still around. Still telling OWs - as they told me - that MMs never leave, that their particular MM will never leave, that she's just a "side pork" / dirty little secret / free sex and that he really loves his BW because that's who he goes home to every night, that of course they still share a bed and of course they have crash-hot sex every night, that of course he's just telling you he loves you and he's leaving his M and he's looking for a place to stay, they ALL say that and it's just another MM line and they never actually do...

 

The fact that things proved that I was right to believe my H, rather than their claims, doesn't seem to have touched sides. It's as if that just didn't happen. Now, these same posters are very quick to point out that "your situation was different" - but at the time, any time I tried to imply that my situation was different I was shot down in flames, because "As are all the same" and "MMs all read from the same script" and all those other silly mantras that have been shown up to be utter rubbish - but still get trotted out as gospel by those same posters.

 

OWs - ignore the naysayers who attempt to paint all As as doomed and all MMs as the same! Only you know your A, only you know your MM and only you can know whether or not you have a future in your A. Don't allow yourself to be bullied into a position you're not comfortable with - deal with your A the way that feels best to you. NC is not the only solution to an A. Sometimes love and understanding works far better. It all depends on the situation and the people involved - and a bunch of prejudiced strangers with one tool in their toolchest may not be the best people to diagnose or advise you on that. Exercise caution in what you choose to believe and act on.

 

Call me lazy, but I am not going back 5000 posts (that you have) to see who all these people are. I am just concerned that people are all being "lumped" together - just like some other women don't want to be lumped and want their situation to be different, there are many of us who didn't participate in what you say happened yet we are being lumped into that group. I see many people who put time and effort into responding to posts (with support, advice or words of caution or words of congrats) - each different, some with like ideals, some from different countries, states and stages in life. Some have been in A, some have been BS's, some have been the WS.

 

The point is we are all different, yet lately, it is the continual group of "don't listen to THEM because they said my affair wouldn't last, he wouldn't marry me', etc, BUT not all of us are "them".

 

So as much as you don't want to be lumped into a group, neither do I.

 

I try to read each person's post with an open mind. I try to answer questions/thoughts/scenario's based on the individual post - and I would appreciate the same respect back and the "them" that is constantly thrown around isn't fair to the MANY MANY MANY of us who post here who weren't posting when you and GEL went through your experiences.

 

Now, if Mombot ever really gets with the MM she is seeing, then I would gladly be lumped with the "them" who told her it would never be.

 

It is almost as if there are axe's to grind against people who said "don't do it" yet many of those aren't around anymore.

 

Heck, my mom was worried about me dating a formerly married man with kids because I had JUST got out of the affair, but I don't hold it against her for feeling that way. She felt that way because she didn't know him and I as a couple and she didn't know him like I did. Now, she adores her son in law and is very happy I didn't heed her warning

 

If your H makes you happy, isn't that all that matters? You stuck it out and you and he are together. Who cares what people said on a message board?

[WTFBBQ]

Who cares what people said on a message board?

People with weak boundaries and little conviction internalize criticism.

[Nemicron]

whats the point in even having an affair? I mean seriously. If you dont like the person your married to and or in a relationship. DONT GET MARRIED. Or get a divorce. Its stupid.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL if this site is so 'different' and you find it so ..... the only word I can think of is bad, why do you stay? I am not sure who all these people are that you continually talk about who told you to leave the MM you are now married to, but I am guessing they are not here anymore, yet you bring up these people quite a bit. I think that is kinda unfair to everyone that you are lumping current members in with a group of people who didn't think your affair would turn into marriage.

 

I stay in order to help in the "actual" spirit of this forum. I don't give cookie cutter advice.

 

And those people who told me to leave are actually still here, giving the same advice to OW.

 

I find this forum not in the spirit of why it was created. Instead it is NC or keep your mouth shut. Not actual discussion. Which is exactly why I stay. To try and give members I relate to, the same chance for comradeship as I had and the chance for debate and reflection without moralizing.

 

I guess I am luckier than I ever even knew.

 

GEL

[Nemicron]

I dont really know what to say about this either. Its stupid. LEave if you got toe point where you have to even have an affair. instead your screwing around and 9 time out of ten the spouse doesn't know about it. Thats just stupid. If your seriously afraid to leave the person yo ur with then maybe you shouldn't have screwed around in the first place. I'm sorry if thats harsh. But I totally do not agree with affairs.

 

 

 

I stay in order to help in the "actual" spirit of this forum. I don't give cookie cutter advice.

 

And those people who told me to leave are actually still here, giving the same advice to OW.

 

I find this forum not in the spirit of why it was created. Instead it is NC or keep your mouth shut. Not actual discussion. Which is exactly why I stay. To try and give members I relate to, the same chance for comradeship as I had and the chance for debate and reflection without moralizing.

 

I guess I am luckier than I ever even knew.

 

GEL

[Silly_Girl]

I dont really know what to say about this either. Its stupid. LEave if you got toe point where you have to even have an affair. instead your screwing around and 9 time out of ten the spouse doesn't know about it. Thats just stupid. If your seriously afraid to leave the person yo ur with then maybe you shouldn't have screwed around in the first place. I'm sorry if thats harsh. But I totally do not agree with affairs.

 

You're probably better off on another board then. This board is for discussion and SUPPORT for those who are in an affair. Chances are the posts would drive you crazy

[woinlove]

I dont really know what to say about this either. Its stupid. LEave if you got toe point where you have to even have an affair. instead your screwing around and 9 time out of ten the spouse doesn't know about it. Thats just stupid. If your seriously afraid to leave the person yo ur with then maybe you shouldn't have screwed around in the first place. I'm sorry if thats harsh. But I totally do not agree with affairs.

 

This thread is not asking about people who are married and cheating, but about people who are having affairs with a married partner, and whether they are getting what they want from that. This is mostly addressed to singles having affairs with married men or women. The ones who support this behavior and support continuing affairs with married partners, usually imply that it can end up with the married partner leaving their spouse and marrying the affair partner.

[newpriorities]

This thread is not asking about people who are married and cheating, but about people who are having affairs with a married partner, and whether they are getting what they want from that. This is mostly addressed to singles having affairs with married men or women. The ones who support this behavior and support continuing affairs with married partners, usually imply that it can end up with the married partner leaving their spouse and marrying the affair partner.

 

I don't think As are always about ending up married to the AP. In fact I think people just enjoy the R just the way it is--especially if the A is between two M people. But even with single people, as crass as it sounds, sometimes they just enjoy the R but don't want the commitment.