zoobie Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Hello everyone, Here's my story: I've been married to my wife for almost 6 years and recently things have started to fall apart. During the start of our marriage I took my wife for granted and always did my own thing while she watched TV etc and I've always been a home body so I would always be home with her on weekends etc... My wife said to me one day that she feels that we need therapy because I take her for granted *Playing games or doing other things rather than spending time with her* I agreed to this and we went to therapy. After a few sessions it did not feel like anything was getting fixed. As soon as the therapist started to side with me on some issues it appeared as if she did not want to hear this so we stopped going... A little bit after my wife said to me "if things don't fix in the next few months I think we need space from each other..." I was hurt and I felt it was totally heartless for a wife of 6 years to be able to give a time line on throwing her marriage away rather than fixing the problems. During the months to come I tried very hard to be a good husband, be with her and around her, give her attention and help her around the house, clean dishes etc...but I still felt coldness coming from her, we hardly had sex, maybe once or twice every 2 weeks or so and I was starting to get angry at her lack of trying to make our marriage work.... I told her many times in the passed month if she wants to move on without me she should just tell me and I could start to look for a place and plan ahead, I would ask her directly if she wanted a divorce she would never answer and tell me she still loves me and does not want to hurt me. I got suspicious about her attitude and why it appeared that it was so difficult for us to move forward...I'm into IT security and for the 6 years i've not ONCE looked at my wives facebook page or emails or anything even tho I easily could....so this leads to the event that literally destroyed my heart and soul from within... I always had a rule, call it old fashioned or wrong, but I do not believe my wife should chill/chit chat with other men as I know how men are and how majority will take advantage of a girl no matter what...only a few, smaller number of us would not do this... My wife had gone out for drinks with her gfs the night before and came home around 2 am...I did not mind that, I knew where she was and with who because she had told me and she was picked up at my house... The next day I saw a message she had sent to a guy who's from the same city as us about how she would come see if in a bit if it was okay with him, and that's when I flipped out and confronted her right away... She went on to say that he was just a friend and she was getting advice from him about relationships because she had no guy friends here other than him to ask and get the honest view of a guy from, she said she was very sorry she lied and sneaked around my back to do this but she's not cheating at all and she was very hurt when I told her I was going to leave her. Sadly as it happened we were going to go to a Halloween party the same night and her friend was already over...so I told her a lot of mean things in our bedroom because I was so angry, i felt so betrayed and cheated on and I told her it was over and took my ring off...she was very hurt and tried to hold back tears and after saying sorry again and again and she knows she ****ed up but she did not cheat or do anything, i told her to go on to the party and not keep her friend waiting. My heart tells me she's telling me the truth and she ****ed up badly and made a horrible mistake by what she did, but my brain tells me it's all bull****. There's NO need to go see a guy at his house to discuss OUR relationship, we have therapist for that...I feel that she's lying to me now because she has already lied to me and sneaked behind my back until I confronted her head on about it... I told her I was still going to go forth and divorce her and leave her, but I would keep an open mind in case she wanted to ask for another chance, which she has not done so yet, she has just said sorry I know I ****ed up. She seems very upset, hurt, and she did not even sleep in our bed last night, when I came home to pack today she was sleeping on the couch with runny makeup *crying*... What do you guys think? Any advice or thoughts would be great... Sorry if my story seems broken, I have dealt with too much anger, hurt in the last 48 hours and cannot think straight...
WonderingWhatIf Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 So sorry that you are going through this. If she has not done anything with the other man, it appears that she may have well been on her way to putting herself in the situation where something could happen though. She obviously knows that since she is stating that she f'ed up. So, you need to really think about what you want. If you love your wife and want your marriage, then you are going to have to be ADAMANT about going to therapy and making her stick with therapy. We can't just run away when it gets tough or we hear something that we don't want to hear. If she is not willing to stick with it, then nothing is likely to improve. Maybe this was the wake up call that she needed to move forward in fixing things. You just have to decide if you want to try or not. Good luck to you.
strength-abounds Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Welcome zoobie. You just described the collapse of my marriage almost to the letter. My ExW said the same thing, "just friends", "some other male to talk to", etc, etc. Guess what? She's living with him now. I am not trying to sound dogmatic but IMO your marriage is over because your wife is not attracted to you anymore. It hurts, I've been there. If you truly cherish your wife and marriage then keep up the therapy. Affairs can be healed but it will take a lot of time and work. You need to ask yourself if the time and work is going to be worth saving the marriage. Personally, I could not forgive my ExW for the affair and I ended it. I truly hope that is not the case for you. Good luck and God speed brother.
Author zoobie Posted October 31, 2010 Author Posted October 31, 2010 Thank you both for your kind words and thoughts...I feel so black inside, so betrayed and so angry that I don't feel anymore...if that makes any sense... Every single morning she wakes up same time as me, cooks me breakfast, fixes me food for work, she does everything a loving wife does, but then she does this... Maybe you're right, I feel that once trust has broken it's hard to get it back...you assumed this person was pure and honest and they're not, they're sneaky, liars and are okay with doing this to your face, your partner whom you made vows with to be with till death do you part... Just a confusing time...
strength-abounds Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Thank you both for your kind words and thoughts...I feel so black inside, so betrayed and so angry that I don't feel anymore...if that makes any sense... Every single morning she wakes up same time as me, cooks me breakfast, fixes me food for work, she does everything a loving wife does, but then she does this... Maybe you're right, I feel that once trust has broken it's hard to get it back...you assumed this person was pure and honest and they're not, they're sneaky, liars and are okay with doing this to your face, your partner whom you made vows with to be with till death do you part... Just a confusing time... Dude, being numb makes all sense in the world. The person you thought you would spend eternity with has maybe/maybe not committed the single most atrocity that leads to divorce. My heart bleeds with you, brother. The decision to divorce is one that should not be taken lightly. It will change you forever. I mean FOREVER. You will search for months trying to redefine the meaning of trust, because the definition you had before doesn't make sense anymore. You will also try and redefine love, both physically and metaphorically. The decision is your's to make. If YOU think the marriage is salvagable, then by all means fix it. If not, then start legal proceedings. It will be long, hard, and uphill battle either way you decide. Good luck and God speed.
NoneTheWiser Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 zoobie Sorry you are in the situation. Although I do agree going to some guys house (if she was by herself) to talk is wrong, I do find you not wanting her to talk to another guy to be extremely controlling. In case you haven’t heard this is the year 2010 and women can vote. Not all men are pigs and can provide some insight into relationships. If I were you, my question to her would be “why do you feel you couldn’t talk to me but had to talk another man?” Sounds to me that you want to punish your wife for calling you out on not being a good husband. Most guys on this site will sympathize with you, I say look inside yourself and see what you can do to make your marriage work.
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