Squandering My Best Years Over A Love Doomed to Fail

[beyondhope]

Dear community, I need your help. First, let me say that I've been seeing different counselors for this for several years, but the problem seems to keep returning, so I thought maybe some advice from my peers might benefit me more.

At 19, I met a guy. He was weird and charismatic, and my friends told me not to date him. We became friends, and we dated, and we traveled together for several months. As a friend, he was very supportive but as a lover he was cruel and demeaning. We were together for six months. He isolated me from everyone and everything while we were on the road. Some people say it should be easy for me to see that he was abusive, but I cannot see past the fact that I clung to him even after he told me he didn't want to see me anymore, and in the end he took out a petition for a restraining order, which was denied because he perjured it (lied about what occurred).

I think part of the reason I've had trouble letting this go is because I feel guilty for hanging on and harassing him (calling him, showing up at his house because I was homeless--he convinced me to give up my support system and belongings) If I hadn't done this, it would be a lot easier to tell myself he was abusive and forget about the relationship, but I keep thinking about the things I did wrong, and how messed up it was that I didn't leave him alone.

I also have a lot of trouble letting go because before I met him, I was a small town girl without a lot going for me, and our travels were impressive and "epic" by any means. It's hard not romanticize that part of our relationship, even though the rest of it was so terrible. I went on the road with him because I wanted to write a book, and now I have all this incredible material but every time I try to start writing it overwhelms me with guilt and memories of what happened.

I know this is intense subject matter for the internet but I really want to hear your advice, especially if you've been in a similar place where the dynamics of power and abuse were unclear. I have not been in contact with him since he petitioned the injunction, three years ago. I'm certain we'll never speak again; I simply want peace in my own mind, and to stop blaming myself. I also want to know how to separate the most epic part of my life from this very corrupt and painful relationship.

Thank you.

[stopthemadness]

Dear community, I need your help. First, let me say that I've been seeing different counselors for this for several years, but the problem seems to keep returning, so I thought maybe some advice from my peers might benefit me more.

At 19, I met a guy. He was weird and charismatic, and my friends told me not to date him. We became friends, and we dated, and we traveled together for several months. As a friend, he was very supportive but as a lover he was cruel and demeaning. We were together for six months. He isolated me from everyone and everything while we were on the road. Some people say it should be easy for me to see that he was abusive, but I cannot see past the fact that I clung to him even after he told me he didn't want to see me anymore, and in the end he took out a petition for a restraining order, which was denied because he perjured it (lied about what occurred).

I think part of the reason I've had trouble letting this go is because I feel guilty for hanging on and harassing him (calling him, showing up at his house because I was homeless--he convinced me to give up my support system and belongings) If I hadn't done this, it would be a lot easier to tell myself he was abusive and forget about the relationship, but I keep thinking about the things I did wrong, and how messed up it was that I didn't leave him alone.

I also have a lot of trouble letting go because before I met him, I was a small town girl without a lot going for me, and our travels were impressive and "epic" by any means. It's hard not romanticize that part of our relationship, even though the rest of it was so terrible. I went on the road with him because I wanted to write a book, and now I have all this incredible material but every time I try to start writing it overwhelms me with guilt and memories of what happened.

I know this is intense subject matter for the internet but I really want to hear your advice, especially if you've been in a similar place where the dynamics of power and abuse were unclear. I have not been in contact with him since he petitioned the injunction, three years ago. I'm certain we'll never speak again; I simply want peace in my own mind, and to stop blaming myself. I also want to know how to separate the most epic part of my life from this very corrupt and painful relationship.

Thank you.

First let me say Good for you, not contacting him for 3 years. What ever happened or how? You loved him and you got through the break up. Yes its ture it took a injunction to do it but it worked. Hope that as you write this you are no longer homeless and life is better for you.You write that book, when your ready. Just look at that realationship as a learning lesson. Good luck....