Taekwondo Babe Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I need to know if it is wise to share my husband's emotional affair with another woman, with my parents? Throughout my life, they are the only people who have never let me down and supported me 100%, always. Or, do I keep this info from them to spare them the heartache. In the interim, I have no support to assist me with the trauma, shock and heartache!
You Go Girl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 (edited) No, you don't share that with your parents. They will only be hostile to him and resent him. How are you supposed to have a working relationship with them if you do that? Especially when you want them to get together. The holidays are coming. Are you and your husband going to go to their home, or them come to yours, for any occasions? Won't it ruin the atmosphere? Why are your parents your best confidents? Why not a friend? If you have no close friends, use LS. If at some later date, when he has made amends, and you are no longer emotional about it, you may decide to share with whomever you deem appropriate. But assuming this is emotional for you right now, it will only create hostility for him. You do want your parents to care for him don't you? I'm sure you don't know every single oopsy that ever happened in your parent's marriage either. That stuff is private. The absolute best place to share it is with a therapist. Edited October 31, 2010 by You Go Girl
tobydog Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I disagree, my Mum has been my rock since this all happened with me. She has been practical, sensible and helped me out no end with my son. Sure, she is furious with him but so is his own mother. And I doubt we will get back together now so I needed her. Take care x
carhill Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Welcome to LS Do you intend to work to save the marriage?
denise_xo Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 IME it's very important to share with someone in addition to a therapist. As you say, you will need support that extends beyond an hour or two of therapy per week. Just make a very careful choice of who to turn to. In a similar situation (did not involve cheating, but other relationship challenges) I chose one specific friend who I shared things with and sought advice from, knowing that she would keep everything confidential and would not change her behaviour towards my partner. Those were the key selection criteria for me.
carhill Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I chose one specific friend who I shared things with and sought advice from, knowing that she would keep everything confidential and would not change her behaviour towards my partner. Those were the key selection criteria for me. Great advice. Such friends are hard to find IME. If the marriage is to recover, IMO it's important that such a party being disclosed to private marital business loves *both* partners and is a complete supporter of the M; such dynamics will describe their discretion. I've been both an appropriate and inappropriate third party enough to see the distinction.
You Go Girl Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 I disagree, my Mum has been my rock since this all happened with me. She has been practical, sensible and helped me out no end with my son. Sure, she is furious with him but so is his own mother. And I doubt we will get back together now so I needed her. Take care x That's great your mom was a confident. I hope there wasn't hostility between your mom and your estranged H that contributed to the breakup. Welcome to LS Do you intend to work to save the marriage? I think the only problem with the above is that when people are heated, upset, and the like, they may think they are not going to work on it or get back together, and then they do, and after all this dirty laundry has been aired, which is humiliating for all involved. Great advice. Such friends are hard to find IME. If the marriage is to recover, IMO it's important that such a party being disclosed to private marital business loves *both* partners and is a complete supporter of the M; such dynamics will describe their discretion. I've been both an appropriate and inappropriate third party enough to see the distinction. That's perfect advice above.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Taekwondo Babe : Seeing that I don't know your parents, how they behave, how they interact, how they cope with life's problems, I feel it hard to give you a clear cut answer to your question. I know in my case, prior to the divorce, I did my best to keep my parents out of the equation. Sometimes "to many cooks in the kitchen" is a bad thing. Plus things between my now ex-wife and myself, at the time, were stressful enough. I don't think the added stress, heartache and anger would have helped things. The only time I felt it appropriate to share my ex-wife's infidelity's, was when I choose to become "divorce court" bound. After my ex-wife boarded a plane, bound for her new man, when the plane lifted off, that's when I made the call. I brought everyone close to me up to speed, and told them my choice to divorce. So if things are still salvageable in your marriage, I would hold off talking to your parents. But if things in your opinion are beyond saving, and you need immediate family support, than go ahead, talk to your parents. But if you do talk to them, for you feel that things are beyond repair, be prepared for some "blow back" and some very "upset" people. But mind you, marriages can be saved sometimes out of thin air, if you do spill the beans, and then down the road things look promising, you might regret sharing information with your parents. For they will know the truth and always hold your Husbands feet to the flames in regards to what he did. Not a healthy situation when your "in-laws" despise you and dread the thought that your with their Daughter. Just something to think about, good luck!
quankanne Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 what you tell them is up to you – just remember, if he's someone they love like their own, that love isn't going to stop no matter HOW upset or disappointed they are. If it were me, it'd keep it low-key and not get into details, you know? At some point (esp. if you've got kids), you and he will probably be on decent terms again, and it's unfair to your folks to have to love him hate him love him etc just to reflect YOUR feelings. They have a relationship with him and should be allowed to act on what they experience, not on your behalf no matter how much they want to protect you.
tobydog Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 @you go girl No my Mum loved him and did all sorts for him including bailing him out of loads of debt. I had no choice but to tell her as he let me down with childcare and she had to step in and help. Then I had to tell her all. And she has saved me through the financial mess he left us in.
Author Taekwondo Babe Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.
Author Taekwondo Babe Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Thanks so much for all the free advice! I think it's wise to keep everything to myself in the interim, until I know how I'm going to deal with the situation.
Author Taekwondo Babe Posted November 1, 2010 Author Posted November 1, 2010 Another question! I feel I should inform the woman's husband of her infidelity. I don't see why I'm the only one being affected by the whole situation. It so sad that the most important person always finds out last about the facts. My husband is dead against it, because he is embarrased! He didn't think or consider me when he entered into the affair with her!
The-Zen-Warrior Posted November 1, 2010 Posted November 1, 2010 I feel I should inform the woman's husband of her infidelity. I don't see why I'm the only one being affected by the whole situation. I would really think twice before you run off and rat out that woman to her Husband! Before one embarks on such a foolish mission, one first must dig "two graves", one for the person you may rat out, and one for yourself. I know your hurting, I know your upset and confused, but what good can come from reporting the woman to her Husband? To me it sounds like you want to practice the art of "misery loves company"! If I were you, I would just concentrate on your own stuff, why poke your nose into someone else's business. Also think about the repercussions, how is your Husband going to respond by you blowing the whistle to the woman's Husband? If you do go through with this and whistle blow, I hope to h*ll your Husband is the understanding type. For if there is a chance, even a small one, that your Husband is the volatile type, your taking quite the chance! It's up to you, roll the dice if you wish, but be mindful, not even you will know on which numbers those dice will land on, that's why they call it a "gamble"! (((Maybe some other L.S. Members could chime in here and give their insight to this members possible intentions, thank you!)))
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