stopthemadness Posted October 31, 2010 Posted October 31, 2010 Ive been on this site sence Sept But untell now have never wrote my own thread. We broke up 5 months ago. He said he didnt want to be in a realtionship right now because his kids were a mess and he needed to get his and their lives together. He has 5 kids four are grown(girls) and all but his son whos 12 are using drugs and all that comes with that. I was understanding because I loved him and thought he was the one for me. Weve been together off and on for 8 1/2 years.So I waited. I never pushed contact. But on his own he would come by once a week or so to my house say hi we would kiss and hug and talk, Then he would be on his way untell the next time. Well 3 days ago I called him to say hi. Out of the blue I asked him if he was seeing any one? he said YES! I couldnt believe it!!(still dont) here I am waiting for him to get his life together and he met someone else! He never stoped telling me that he loved me. I think he still does. He said weve been going back and forth for 8 years and this he his way of trying to stop the maddness of us going back and forth. Weve been on breaks before. Weve even dated other people for a few months. But we always got back together. Its been 3 days sence he told me about her. I asked if she knew about me? He said NO. How can he not tell her about me? Where does she think hes been the last 8 years? Iam soo sad. Am not really sleeping(4 hours then am up) not eating. Am gona go see a counselor. I need to get through this pain. I think he still loves me. He seemed so happy to see me. Could I be wrong? Am I crazy or just pathetic? I miss him he was my best friend. Am stuck home because of medical issues for another 6 months or so. I know thats making all this worse. Would like to hear what you guys think.
Author stopthemadness Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 Ive been on this site sence Sept But untell now have never wrote my own thread. We broke up 5 months ago. He said he didnt want to be in a realtionship right now because his kids were a mess and he needed to get his and their lives together. He has 5 kids four are grown(girls) and all but his son whos 12 are using drugs and all that comes with that. I was understanding because I loved him and thought he was the one for me. Weve been together off and on for 8 1/2 years.So I waited. I never pushed contact. But on his own he would come by once a week or so to my house say hi we would kiss and hug and talk, Then he would be on his way untell the next time. Well 3 days ago I called him to say hi. Out of the blue I asked him if he was seeing any one? he said YES! I couldnt believe it!!(still dont) here I am waiting for him to get his life together and he met someone else! He never stoped telling me that he loved me. I think he still does. He said weve been going back and forth for 8 years and this he his way of trying to stop the maddness of us going back and forth. Weve been on breaks before. Weve even dated other people for a few months. But we always got back together. Its been 3 days sence he told me about her. I asked if she knew about me? He said NO. How can he not tell her about me? Where does she think hes been the last 8 years? Iam soo sad. Am not really sleeping(4 hours then am up) not eating. Am gona go see a counselor. I need to get through this pain. I think he still loves me. He seemed so happy to see me. Could I be wrong? Am I crazy or just pathetic? I miss him he was my best friend. Am stuck home because of medical issues for another 6 months or so. I know thats making all this worse. Would like to hear what you guys think. Iam wondering why no one has replyed to this thread? Come on people, tell me what you think?
strength-abounds Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 To answer your question, I think your hubby is using you for plan B in case something goes wrong with plan A. I am making this assumption by following the pattern that you described in your post. One can judge what another person is going to say or behave based on a pattern; and usually be accurate in the 75% to 80% percentile. The two of you have split several times before, right? And you always come back to each other, right? It's all a pattern. Dearest hubby has experienced the end result of these splits in a positive view by the two of you reconciling. I'm sorry to say, until he experiences a negative consequence for this pattern, that pattern will never change. Sort of like a mouse in a maze with cheese. If the hubby doesn't see any negative consequences, he will never change. Give him a negative consequence. Pack his s**t, put it on the porch for the next time he visits, and have papers drawn up for his signature. One of two things will happen. First, he could realize he screwed up and try fix this clusterf*** he started; or second, he could call it quits and move on to plan A. If option 1 is his choice, then you have made progress in breaking this pattern. However, if option 2 is his choice, you're better off anyway. As for the feelings of "missing your best friend, etc." I am willing to equate these feeling to nothing but nostalgia. They will pass as soon as you realize that these feelings are about mourning the past, not the future. Good Luck and God Bless.
strength-abounds Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 P.S. Food for thought: The next time you miss your "best friend", imagine him sweating all over another woman. Ultimately, the choice is your to make.
leftfield Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 I agree with the above poster. You're being used. You don't say whether you're actually married I don't think (?), but either way, he's using you because he knows you're waiting for him You know what the answer to that is don't you. It's like a mantra on LS, but the answer to your dilemma is NO CONTACT. Stop letting him have his cake and eat it. He's coming around once a week to have his fill of you, then buggering off to some other woman. That situation is going to crush you like an ant if you don't put a stop to it immediately. You're not crazy or pathetic, but you need some perspective on the situation. What would you advise a close friend in your position? Counselling is a great move, definitely pursue that. Talking to someone about this will help you to see what's actually happening, and it's not pretty, so be prepared for that. He might be telling you he still loves you, but his actions are speaking WAY louder than his words. I don't screw around with other people when I love someone, how about you? This is not his way of "stopping the madness", that's just a convenient phrase to feed you so that you will go away and mull it over while he gets his kicks elsewhere. What madness? If you're relationship isn't working for some reason then you and he need to talk about it. How does him f*cking someone else help 'the madness'? That sounds like madness to me. If he can't cope with having you around while he's dealing with his problem kids, then why have someone else? It's natural to miss your best friend, but your best friend isn't treating you very well right now, so cut him off until you get things straight in your life. If you were together 8 1/2 years you should expect some better treatment than this shouldn't you. I don't know the full dynamic of your relationship, but if nothing else, he is at least taking you for granted. I hope you get the help you need from counselling, but seriously think about what people on here are saying. Don't let yourself get hurt any more than you already are. Good luck.
Author stopthemadness Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 P.S. Food for thought: The next time you miss your "best friend", imagine him sweating all over another woman. Ultimately, the choice is your to make. Thanks so much for the advice it rings soo ture and I know it. The stuff you said about pattern is so on the money. He did this crap to his first wife for 21 yrs. (we were not married). Am trying to give him a negative consequence by getting help so I can go on with my life without this drama. I know I need counselling to get through this, I go in 2 days (am counting) smile. Thanks again. I feel better...
Author stopthemadness Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 I agree with the above poster. You're being used. You don't say whether you're actually married I don't think (?), but either way, he's using you because he knows you're waiting for him You know what the answer to that is don't you. It's like a mantra on LS, but the answer to your dilemma is NO CONTACT. Stop letting him have his cake and eat it. He's coming around once a week to have his fill of you, then buggering off to some other woman. That situation is going to crush you like an ant if you don't put a stop to it immediately. You're not crazy or pathetic, but you need some perspective on the situation. What would you advise a close friend in your position? Counselling is a great move, definitely pursue that. Talking to someone about this will help you to see what's actually happening, and it's not pretty, so be prepared for that. He might be telling you he still loves you, but his actions are speaking WAY louder than his words. I don't screw around with other people when I love someone, how about you? This is not his way of "stopping the madness", that's just a convenient phrase to feed you so that you will go away and mull it over while he gets his kicks elsewhere. What madness? If you're relationship isn't working for some reason then you and he need to talk about it. How does him f*cking someone else help 'the madness'? That sounds like madness to me. If he can't cope with having you around while he's dealing with his problem kids, then why have someone else? It's natural to miss your best friend, but your best friend isn't treating you very well right now, so cut him off until you get things straight in your life. If you were together 8 1/2 years you should expect some better treatment than this shouldn't you. I don't know the full dynamic of your relationship, but if nothing else, he is at least taking you for granted. I hope you get the help you need from counselling, but seriously think about what people on here are saying. Don't let yourself get hurt any more than you already are. Good luck. Ya being used. That sounds right. No we were never married. but we were engaged twice. And we lived together once for 6 months, our kids didnt get along. Thanks for responding reading your reply has helped me. Am trying soo hard to go N/C but am weak. E mailed him yesterday(I know BAD) About 2 months ago I went 26 days of N/C. Then he had his kids call me to tell me they missed me. I know GAMES right? Ok starting 2 day N/C all the way! I can do this... Ill keep you guys posted. Thanks again
strength-abounds Posted November 2, 2010 Posted November 2, 2010 Thanks so much for the advice it rings soo ture and I know it. The stuff you said about pattern is so on the money. He did this crap to his first wife for 21 yrs. (we were not married). Am trying to give him a negative consequence by getting help so I can go on with my life without this drama. I know I need counselling to get through this, I go in 2 days (am counting) smile. Thanks again. I feel better... I'm glad you're going to a therapist. Therapy does wonders for the lost soul. As far as the negative consequences, it needs to be tangible to him. When he goes for a hug and kiss, stretch out your hand for handshake. Tell him you have no idea where his mouth has been. Seeing a therapist is GREAT for YOU. Don't do it for him.
Author stopthemadness Posted November 2, 2010 Author Posted November 2, 2010 I'm glad you're going to a therapist. Therapy does wonders for the lost soul. As far as the negative consequences, it needs to be tangible to him. When he goes for a hug and kiss, stretch out your hand for handshake. Tell him you have no idea where his mouth has been. Seeing a therapist is GREAT for YOU. Don't do it for him. Wow your right, I dont know where his month has been. You seem so strong and smart. Its hard to believe you went through something like this. And I hear you about getting therapy for me. Only he can fix him and I need to not care about that right? Am going N/C on his butt. And thats for me too...Thanks
strength-abounds Posted November 4, 2010 Posted November 4, 2010 Wow your right, I dont know where his month has been. You seem so strong and smart. Its hard to believe you went through something like this. And I hear you about getting therapy for me. Only he can fix him and I need to not care about that right? Am going N/C on his butt. And thats for me too...Thanks You're more than welcome for the advice. I have been through what you are going through. It's not easy and it's going to be long, difficult road. However, the road does end and you'll be a better person for accomplishing that travel. Just focus on yourself. In order for someone to love you, you need to love yourself first. Stay strong with the NC. The first 2 weeks will be the hardest. After that, it gets easier every day. Keep focus on you and children. Good Luck and God Bless.
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