Difference between men and women leaving

[newpriorities]

I've often heard it said that women will leave marriages regardless of whether or not there is another person "waiting in the wings." But that men generally will only leave if they have another relationship brewing or are already in an A. In other words, men are more willing to just let things take their course in a marriage, even if it's not going well, rather than get out and be alone. I realize this is a gross generalization, but do you think there is any nuggets of truth in it? And if so, is this part of the reason why we stay in A's hoping that the MM will leave? Just some thought for the day!

[bentnotbroken]

There are nuggets of truth in every stereotype.

[jthorne]

Well, if we can agree that the "male" behavior you have described in your post could be called cowardly, (if not, then nevermind) then I would say that your OP is generally correct.

 

I think we hear/read about far more male cowards out there in society than we do female ones.

 

But again, the assumption in your OP, and my resulting assumption are generalities. There are always exceptions to the rule... Women who are accustomed to a lavish lifestyle and overlook infidelity in favor of $ come to mind.

[TurboGirl]

Correct in my opinion. Men are happy with a place to sleep, eat, watch TV and see their kids, a place to come home to every day. They go & look outside for affection and sex if they stop getting it at home. (sorry, no offense to those who are or have not done that, no offense, please) Certain men are not willing to accept the status quo and those who "want more" look outside. If they fall in love, sometimes they leave their wives and go with the affair partner. Most often, not so. The don't want to hurt their kids or in reality, I feel that they don't want their kids to know that they had to go outside of the marriage (i.e., not be with Mom) to find a partner.

 

This comes from experience... am married, somewhat happily but not without blemish. The man that I met (briefly) had been separated for a few months but said he couldn't take it because he missed his kids so much he went back. Personally I think it was because he didn't have another woman to spend time with. If he did he would not have returned.

[carhill]

IME, women don't take a dump without a plan; men, not so much. I've had enough experience with MW's to form this observation. There may be wild and irrational emotions on the service, but, beneath, there's a plan of action, and it's often not what appears to be obvious. Men see something they want and go after it. They may have a methodology to their pursuit, but the 'why' and 'what' is largely nebulous, in that they often have no understanding of their own motivations or path. Been a MM and seen other MM's in action enough to know that

[Woman In Blue]

I feel there's absolute truth to your statement. When women are done, they're DONE, and will generally move on. The majority of men seem to just want to keep the status quo, regardless of how unhappy they may be. I think they feel a familial sense of responsibility and that keeps them planted right where they are. They also don't want to look like a 'failure,' or the 'bad guy' if they leave. So it would seem alot of them simply become complacent and stay right where they are.

 

Sorry to say it, but alot of men also need someone to do everything for them but wipe their butts. The thought of doing their OWN cooking, housework, bill-paying, food shopping, etc. etc. scares the hell out of them and they'd much rather continue letting a woman do everything for them. It's like they need a 'mommy.' Seen that WAY too many times to count.

 

Women don't need a man in the wings in order to get out of a lousy marriage. Over 70% of divorces in the US are initiated by women. We don't need a mommy to take care of us, so when we're done, we move on.

[bentnotbroken]

I feel there's absolute truth to your statement. When women are done, they're DONE, and will generally move on. The majority of men seem to just want to keep the status quo, regardless of how unhappy they may be. I think they feel a familial sense of responsibility and that keeps them planted right where they are. They also don't want to look like a 'failure,' or the 'bad guy' if they leave. So it would seem alot of them simply become complacent and stay right where they are.

 

Sorry to say it, but alot of men also need someone to do everything for them but wipe their butts. The thought of doing their OWN cooking, housework, bill-paying, food shopping, etc. etc. scares the hell out of them and they'd much rather continue letting a woman do everything for them. It's like they need a 'mommy.' Seen that WAY too many times to count.

 

Women don't need a man in the wings in order to get out of a lousy marriage. Over 70% of divorces in the US are initiated by women. We don't need a mommy to take care of us, so when we're done, we move on.

 

 

Just by the number of women on here stinging AP along(and a few AP who are being strung along)because they are cake eating makes this statement completely false.

[carhill]

IMO, psychologically, there's a difference between a 'mommy' taking care of one and a 'daddy' validating one. Perhaps that has relevance. Most of the MW's I've been involved with (whether they considered themselves MW's or not) have sought out/seek out validation and connection with me. They surely don't need someone to wipe their butt or fix them a burger, but they do have needs, no doubt, and I've found they're coldly pragmatic about how to go about getting those needs filled, even if an OM is merely a tool to get them filled by their H. Hindsight has wonderful clarity

[dreamingoftigers]

IMO, psychologically, there's a difference between a 'mommy' taking care of one and a 'daddy' validating one. Perhaps that has relevance. Most of the MW's I've been involved with (whether they considered themselves MW's or not) have sought out/seek out validation and connection with me. They surely don't need someone to wipe their butt or fix them a burger, but they do have needs, no doubt, and I've found they're coldly pragmatic about how to go about getting those needs filled, even if an OM is merely a tool to get them filled by their H. Hindsight has wonderful clarity

 

I would be inclined to believe this.

[Woggle]

I left my first marriage with nobody else in mind because I have too much self respect to put up with what she dished out. I am also perfectly capable of cooking, cleaning and all that stuff. I got along just fine without a wife.

[MorningCoffee]

IMO, psychologically, there's a difference between a 'mommy' taking care of one and a 'daddy' validating one. Perhaps that has relevance. Most of the MW's I've been involved with (whether they considered themselves MW's or not) have sought out/seek out validation and connection with me. They surely don't need someone to wipe their butt or fix them a burger, but they do have needs, no doubt, and I've found they're coldly pragmatic about how to go about getting those needs filled, even if an OM is merely a tool to get them filled by their H. Hindsight has wonderful clarity

 

Or self-deluding about what they're up to. Same result.

Edited October 31, 2010 by MorningCoffee

[pureinheart]

I've often heard it said that women will leave marriages regardless of whether or not there is another person "waiting in the wings." But that men generally will only leave if they have another relationship brewing or are already in an A. In other words, men are more willing to just let things take their course in a marriage, even if it's not going well, rather than get out and be alone. I realize this is a gross generalization, but do you think there is any nuggets of truth in it? And if so, is this part of the reason why we stay in A's hoping that the MM will leave? Just some thought for the day!

 

I would tend to agree with this...a friend once told me that when a man swings from one vine he likes to have another vine to swing to...

[desertIslandCactus]

I would tend to agree with this...a friend once told me that when a man swings from one vine he likes to have another vine to swing to...

 

Absolutely agree Pure.

 

Many men (particularly MM) don't seem to have the capabilities of being alone .. as women do. Women as a whole seem to be more willing to wait - rather than jump into a new relationship.

[fooled once]

I've often heard it said that women will leave marriages regardless of whether or not there is another person "waiting in the wings." But that men generally will only leave if they have another relationship brewing or are already in an A. In other words, men are more willing to just let things take their course in a marriage, even if it's not going well, rather than get out and be alone. I realize this is a gross generalization, but do you think there is any nuggets of truth in it? And if so, is this part of the reason why we stay in A's hoping that the MM will leave? Just some thought for the day!

 

I am divorced.

 

I had no one waiting in the wings.

 

My H is divorced.

 

He had no one waiting in the wings.

 

My brother divorced - neither he nor his former wife had anyone waiting in the wings.

 

My best friend divorced - because her H was cheating. He went straight to the OW, and then cheated on her. He then left he original OW for the new OOW. He cheated on HER and is now currently married to the OOW.

My best friend recently remarried after being divorced for 4 years.

 

I do agree though - I think many men have an issue with being alone and want a woman waiting in the wings, whether they decide to divorce or not.

[fooled once]

I feel there's absolute truth to your statement. When women are done, they're DONE, and will generally move on. The majority of men seem to just want to keep the status quo, regardless of how unhappy they may be. I think they feel a familial sense of responsibility and that keeps them planted right where they are. They also don't want to look like a 'failure,' or the 'bad guy' if they leave. So it would seem alot of them simply become complacent and stay right where they are.

 

Sorry to say it, but alot of men also need someone to do everything for them but wipe their butts. The thought of doing their OWN cooking, housework, bill-paying, food shopping, etc. etc. scares the hell out of them and they'd much rather continue letting a woman do everything for them. It's like they need a 'mommy.' Seen that WAY too many times to count.

 

Women don't need a man in the wings in order to get out of a lousy marriage. Over 70% of divorces in the US are initiated by women. We don't need a mommy to take care of us, so when we're done, we move on.

 

LOL

 

I agree -- especially with the bold comments. And heck, I think men need help wiping their butts too LOL

 

Great post Woman in Blue!

[SoMovinOn]

My experience, among everyone I know, has been the exact opposite. Women don't leave until they have someone else lined up. It would seem financial reasons play a role there. Men are usually more able to afford to bail and get their own place.

[Silly_Girl]

My experience, among everyone I know, has been the exact opposite. Women don't leave until they have someone else lined up. It would seem financial reasons play a role there. Men are usually more able to afford to bail and get their own place.

 

I left with no one. Twice. It mattered to me there was no one. Two female friends left for someone else, but one pretends to herself the new guy played no part.

E

[Confused4Now]

Just by the number of women on here stinging AP along(and a few AP who are being strung along)because they are cake eating makes this statement completely false.

I have to say I agree with BNB...there are several of us guys who were in situations where we were strung along and the MW were cake eating and still continues to try and pull us back in....

[jennie-jennie]

Well, if we can agree that the "male" behavior you have described in your post could be called cowardly, (if not, then nevermind) then I would say that your OP is generally correct.

 

I think we hear/read about far more male cowards out there in society than we do female ones.

 

But again, the assumption in your OP, and my resulting assumption are generalities. There are always exceptions to the rule... Women who are accustomed to a lavish lifestyle and overlook infidelity in favor of $ come to mind.

 

I don't agree that this "male" behavior is necessarily cowardly. I don't even agree that it is always "male". Women do this too.

 

You love your spouse but something is missing. You need more. You like what you have, you just need more. Why would you get a divorce when you love your spouse and like what you have? Why would you strive to get less when in reality you want more?

 

But then the day comes when you find more with someone else. And suddenly you realize you need to make a choice.

[WowReally]

I'll say that my xMM ran home for some wrong reasons...the main one being he missed the life style / material things.

 

I dont doubt that he and his wife work well together when it comes to socializing and Im sure she mother's him to death which I think he really has come to rely on.

 

He's someone who really does NOT want change...they'll probably have a honeymoon stage for a bit but Im sure they'll fall into the same pattern they've followed for the majority if their marriage. How could they not? The lies and secrets...I really dont get why she would take him back aside from the same desire for the lifestyle that they share.

 

I digress.

 

Both of my parents have been / were married multiple times however I am not aware of either of them leaving a current spouse for an affair partner...not that they both cheated however they did/do have a hard time being alone.

[OWoman]

IME, women don't take a dump without a plan; men, not so much. I've had enough experience with MW's to form this observation. There may be wild and irrational emotions on the service, but, beneath, there's a plan of action, and it's often not what appears to be obvious. Men see something they want and go after it. They may have a methodology to their pursuit, but the 'why' and 'what' is largely nebulous, in that they often have no understanding of their own motivations or path. Been a MM and seen other MM's in action enough to know that

 

I guess I must be a man then No more MOs, I guess.... :(

 

My H is the planny one - I don't think he's done anything spontaneous in his life! OTOH I follow my moods and desires, trusting that everything will work out OK in the end... and then making sure it does.

 

I'm not big on gender stereotypes, generally.

[maravilla]

I've often heard it said that women will leave marriages regardless of whether or not there is another person "waiting in the wings." But that men generally will only leave if they have another relationship brewing or are already in an A. In other words, men are more willing to just let things take their course in a marriage, even if it's not going well, rather than get out and be alone. I realize this is a gross generalization, but do you think there is any nuggets of truth in it? And if so, is this part of the reason why we stay in A's hoping that the MM will leave? Just some thought for the day!

 

This is definitely the case with my (now separated) MM. He was unhappy in his marriage but was just coasting along and trying to be okay with the status quo. Once I came along he says I opened his eyes to all that was wrong and why he was so unhappy and now he can never go back because he will never be okay with the way things were.

 

The problem for us is that now that he has me to give him motivation to leave, it's still hard and he leans on me so much that it's crushing me! He doesn't want to be alone while he gets divorced, he wants me there for support. But I feel like it's something only he can do and it is wearing me too thin trying to help him do it. I feel like telling him he needs to do this on his own if we are going to be able to work out. And if he can't do it on his own then maybe he wasn't as ready to leave as he says he was?

 

I haven't been married and I know it must be hard but I feel like if I really wanted out, I would get out, no matter who was there for me on the other end or not. It would be easier to have support and a new relationship waiting but if I saw that that person was in pain I would let them go until my own issues were straightened out. I wouldn't ask them to bear my burden if it was too much for them. Writing this out makes me feel like my MM has been selfish even if he doesn't realize it. I guess selfishness is another form of cowardice.

 

Sorry to get off track a bit. To get things back to point, I've also heard it said that women tend to blossom after divorce while men wilt. From looking at long-term former couples I've known who have gone through a divorce, this does look like it usually turns out to be true. For some reason it seems women are more able to be alone than men! Or that marriage benefits men more than women?! I don't know, it's weird.

[carhill]

I guess I must be a man then No more MOs, I guess.... :(

 

My H is the planny one - I don't think he's done anything spontaneous in his life! OTOH I follow my moods and desires, trusting that everything will work out OK in the end... and then making sure it does.

 

I'm not big on gender stereotypes, generally.

I caught a typo...'There may be wild and irrational emotions on the surface'

 

To be fair, I've probably, by my own choice, exposed myself to a subset of women who defy generality, and I struggle to honestly depict them as anything but cold and calculating, right down to how they inspired and/or responded to my attraction at the very beginnings. The patterns are so clear it's scary. So, that's my work, recognizing those personalities and avoiding them.

 

BTW, whenever I use the net-speak "IME", this stands for 'in my experience', which necessarily limits the opinion to the subset of women I have experienced in life, which at 51 is a fair amount, though obviously not 'everyone'. I tend to use examples from my own life experiences to support my perspectives and interpretations.

 

From what I've read, I went through a M not unlike what your now H had, and recognized a lot of parallels. The difference is that time and MC showed me that my affair partner was just as unhealthy for me as my spouse, so I had to leave for myself, not because there was someone 'better' waiting for me. Great life lesson it was

[East7]

IME, women don't take a dump without a plan; men, not so much. I've had enough experience with MW's to form this observation. There may be wild and irrational emotions on the service, but, beneath, there's a plan of action, and it's often not what appears to be obvious. Men see something they want and go after it. They may have a methodology to their pursuit, but the 'why' and 'what' is largely nebulous, in that they often have no understanding of their own motivations or path. Been a MM and seen other MM's in action enough to know that

 

I agree with this. The reason why someone doesn't leave the M is very complex but there is always some truth in the clichés. I would also say :

 

1. Women are attached to SECURITY and HABITS : They are attached to their home, routine, weekend mall, hairdresser, whatever..

Women naturally want to feel protected and seek a PROVIDER : they love the idea there is a man to bring money at home and to support them whatever happens (car broken, illness etc)..Even if they don't love their H anymore they need him as a provider. Even if they are crazy in love with the AP, they won't leave and turn their world upside-down unless the AP can offer them the same SECURITY and COMFORT (Thus most women say 'Love is not enough' )

Even when they leave for themselves (not for the AP), they need to know, prior to leaving that they can have some security. They need " one or more parachutes" before jumping from the plane. This is valid also when children are involved because they need to know that they will grow in security, comfort and won't miss anything. Women are often (maybe always) more responsible when it comes to change their lives and able to put their emotions aside.

Thus they always need a good plan before they go.

 

MW are also the ones who tempt everything to make the M work before they leave. Once they are convinced that there is nothing more they can do to save their M, they would move out without looking back.

 

2. Men are less needy and less attached to their habits. They don't long for protection but their are attached to their 'marital status'. Married men basically don't leave because their M is part of their SOCIAL STATUS, but also because most of the time the OW is just a part-time emotional patch to boost their ego. Some will go into an A also because it is a challenge and thrill to seduce and 'win' a woman (again ego boost). As soon as the OW becomes demanding, the challenge is over and it turns them off.

When it comes to decide between two women, men act cowardly, not because they put on the top their family needs but they put on the top their own needs. They escape the risk and take the easy way out which is keeping the status quo.

Those MM who are really in love with the OW may leave, but they don't seek the security, nor have an accurate plan to go for it. They will just follow their need to have the OW, no matter what.

[maravilla]

I agree with this. The reason why someone doesn't leave the M is very complex but there is always some truth in the clichés. I would also say :

 

1. Women are attached to SECURITY and HABITS : They are attached to their home, routine, weekend mall, hairdresser, whatever..

Women naturally want to feel protected and seek a PROVIDER : they love the idea there is a man to bring money at home and to support them whatever happens (car broken, illness etc)..Even if they don't love their H anymore they need him as a provider. Even if they are crazy in love with the AP, they won't leave and turn their world upside-down unless the AP can offer them the same SECURITY and COMFORT (Thus most women say 'Love is not enough' )

Even when they leave for themselves (not for the AP), they need to know, prior to leaving that they can have some security. They need " one or more parachutes" before jumping from the plane. This is valid also when children are involved because they need to know that they will grow in security, comfort and won't miss anything. Women are often (maybe always) more responsible when it comes to change their lives and able to put their emotions aside.

Thus they always need a good plan before they go.

 

MW are also the ones who tempt everything to make the M work before they leave. Once they are convinced that there is nothing more they can do to save their M, they would move out without looking back.

 

2. Men are less needy and less attached to their habits. They don't long for protection but their are attached to their 'marital status'. Married men basically don't leave because their M is part of their SOCIAL STATUS, but also because most of the time the OW is just a part-time emotional patch to boost their ego. Some will go into an A also because it is a challenge and thrill to seduce and 'win' a woman (again ego boost). As soon as the OW becomes demanding, the challenge is over and it turns them off.

When it comes to decide between two women, men act cowardly, not because they put on the top their family needs but they put on the top their own needs. They escape the risk and take the easy way out which is keeping the status quo.

Those MM who are really in love with the OW may leave, but they don't seek the security, nor have an accurate plan to go for it. They will just follow their need to have the OW, no matter what.

 

You make some good points, some I disagree with based on my own experience but I guess there are exceptions to every generality.

 

For me, I don't crave a provider or domesticity. I have a good career and take care of myself financially; independence is my biggest motivator. I fear being so reliant on a man that I would have to stay with him for money. I also crave excitement and adventure and a routine home life would bore me. I realize that might change once I settle down and get married and if I have kids, but, I would always want to spice things up and go on exotic vacations without the kids and stuff.

 

My MM also craves excitement and adventure but he is attached to his home life and routine in the way that you say men are not. I think most men do value a stable home life and habits, even if these are the things that start to drive them crazy and they want to look for something new, it is the anchor to their home that makes many men not leave their marriages.

 

The last part, about an MM who really loves his OW just pursuing his need to be with her without a plan, rings really true to me. I wish my (now separated) MM had a better plan than just 'move out and do what I can to be with you.' But I'm like him in a lot of ways so I could imagine myself doing the same. Knowing that I'm not happy with my marriage, and that I have this wild passionate love in my A, and wanting to pursue that enough to just leave, without having a set plan in place. Yeah, I could see it. Then again I often feel more like a typical man than a typical woman.