Can't I stop thinking about her...again!

[paperbag111]

I've posted on here before about my gf breaking up with me and reached a point where I could move on with my life. Thanks a lot guys and girls.

 

Long story short, my gf broke up with me after a few years because of our insignificant fights and distance (had to move a fair way because of work), she was the love of my life and I was hers. She broke up with me not too long after visiting me and slept with a random (drunk). Another position came up back in my home country/city and applied and got the gig. Pretty much, I was certain I was able to forgive and cope with what she has done and it seemed she wanted to get back together. Things didn't pan out the way I hoped and moved on.

 

A few months down the track, she called me crying her eyes out because she missed me, went through all our letters and photos etc. I asked her why she didn't take the plunge knowing I was going to be there for her. She said she was very close to but didn't because although she felt, disgusted with herself etc for the ONS, she didn't because she did it again (drunk) and a few more time with the later sober (no strings attached) and feels as though she doesn't know who she is anymore and has since stopped. She's hit rock bottom. She hates herself.

 

The problem now is I can't stop thinking about her and all her ONS and friend with benefits. I think the root problem is because when I moved back, we fooled around a little bit due to our talk and emotional break down and she was still having that "friend" during the period I moved back. Guess I felt as though she used me.

 

She's a mental and emotional wreck. She hasn't done anything really productive since our break up, her choice. I know, well thought I knew her as a girl would would not sleep around like that.

 

Why can't I stop thinking about her? I've moved on before the recent phone call. What should I do to forget about her? What would you guys do? Would you feel betrayed although you weren't together? She would have done anything for me and I would have done anything for her. Our relationship had been our best ever by far. Why has that she has changed from one of a kind girl, to one that sleeps around like a whore. She has changed so much that I would never take her back even if I did fall in love with her again years down the track. She said she has never felt like this before and don't know why our break up caused her to change. She is truly upset about all of this.

 

Sorry about the bad grammar, sentence struckture etc. It's 4am where I am.

[reknown29]

I am dealing with an almost identical situation regarding the sleeping around and partying. Its painful to go through. My girl talks about it like its nothing... She doesnt really think about me much, I get an occasional text saying something made her think of me but its kind of meaningless.

 

I feel the same way that I would never get back with her even if she asked because I feel like she lied to me about who she was. I dont care about the sleeping around part too much. It hurts but who cares really. I believe in being monogamous but I am also capable of forgiving if something happens. The person who she has revealed to me is the issue I have now. It is really painful. I could have loved the person she is now as long as she was only with me but for some reason she was hiding that from me. I feel so distant from her now. It still kills me. I still think about her every hour. Its been over two months since she left. Her is the issue as to why we are not healing.

 

My ex just texted me two nights ago. She has been calling me and comes over late night and sleeps in my bed though does not have sex because she is dating other guys. This has ***ing killed me. I finally got to a point on Wed where I grabbed all her things and bagged them and then called her to pick them up. I couldnt even see her when she came, I left her things out for her. I feel really immature about this but I finally feel like I can move on this time. It is sooo hard to do, especially when she wants to see me still on a weekly basis. She cant let go, even though there are other men in her life. Truth is she could care less about me. If she cared about me she wouldnt be destroying me like this, but it helps her to feel better about herself. Im realizing that as an individual, I meant nothing to this girl. I fell for her and gave her my heart. That was careless on my part. I should have seen that this person was not in it for me. She said some horrible things to me out of the blue about my character. In her head she was going with what her friends were saying and justifying her lack of feelings. Im a sensitive person and this was an axe to my heart and head.

 

The only solution to all this is to completely move on. Forget as much as possible and just dont think about it. Cut of all contact!!! All of it! The girl you knew doesnt exist. She is dead or maybe was just all in your head in the first place. The person she is now is someone new. Mourn the loss like you would a death. Your only choice is to move on. Dont be fooled by the shell of that woman that you know still exists. Its not her. I know its hard to except but you girl has passed away. Mourn and move. Thats what the girl you once knew would have wanted you to do. Do not contact this new person thinking that it is her. It is not!!! trust me on this. Im going through it to and every weekend night I come home alone and it hits me. Your dealing with the same. Ill help support you thorough this, as will a lot of people on this site. There are a lot of wonderful women on this site who will support you... They do exist!

 

-sorry this is written the way it is. Im just kind of rambling off thoughts but I feel I got my point across and some things off my own chest. Hope it helps.

[paperbag111]

Thanks Reknown, it's good to know that there are people out there (unfortunately) going through the same thing as I am, and we can all support each other.

 

It's really upsetting because she says there were no emotion involved however when we fooled around there was, yet she slept with him again. You're right, it's more of who she has become that really hurts. I did say after the first that we could work it out and move on etc however she didn't feel the same till I moved back. It was then she wanted so much to get back with me but didn't want to have a conscience about what she had done and slept with him again. That's why it hurts too. We were very close and I wanted to grow old with her, and I have no doubt that she felt the same. She promised me that she'll wait for me and I was sure she was the one for me. I just hope one day she really kicks herself for ever breaking up with me.

 

Would you ever get back with your ex after what has happened? She did say that one day she hopes to find me again. I've truly lost her haven't I?

[leftfield]

Thanks Reknown, it's good to know that there are people out there (unfortunately) going through the same thing as I am, and we can all support each other.

 

It's really upsetting because she says there were no emotion involved however when we fooled around there was, yet she slept with him again. You're right, it's more of who she has become that really hurts. I did say after the first that we could work it out and move on etc however she didn't feel the same till I moved back. It was then she wanted so much to get back with me but didn't want to have a conscience about what she had done and slept with him again. That's why it hurts too. We were very close and I wanted to grow old with her, and I have no doubt that she felt the same. She promised me that she'll wait for me and I was sure she was the one for me. I just hope one day she really kicks herself for ever breaking up with me.

 

Would you ever get back with your ex after what has happened? She did say that one day she hopes to find me again. I've truly lost her haven't I

 

It's understandable that you feel betrayed. Rightly or wrongly, I would too. Yes I think you have lost her. However, if you ever hope to re-kindle something then I think you've got to look at it as you lost the person she was, but this is a new 'her'. I have absolutely no practical advice on how you might do that, or even if it's possible, I just think it will be too difficult to try to re-connect with who she was, because that person is gone. She ended with your relationship. Personally I'd have A LOT of trust issues as well if anything was to happen. Good luck to you though whatever happens.

[paperbag111]

I'd have to agree with you Leftfield. The girl I fell in love with is now long gone, thought I had moved on, then it all came back when she called me crying in the early hours of the morning. You're right, there would be a lot of trust issues now since the second guy she slept with was a friend of hers. Don't think I could cope with her hanging out with him knowing that they had casual sex multiple times.

 

Wish I could rewind back time just to be with the one I was in love with. I just don't understand what went through her mind when she slept around when she was convinced herself I was the one. Apparently she wanted companionship. Guess she's not the one for me. How could the one for you do such things? Looks like I'm back to square one. It just does my head in that she says it's no big deal as there were no emotions involved and yet let me kiss her and fool around while still shagging other guys. I'm just really hurt that she could just have sex with anyone, something that we intimately shared with each other. Things are so sh*t for me at the moment. I so want to move on and forget about her, yet I want my old girl back.

Edited November 2, 2010 by paperbag111

[leftfield]

I'd have to agree with you Leftfield. The girl I fell in love with is now long gone, thought I had moved on, then it all came back when she called me crying in the early hours of the morning. You're right, there would be a lot of trust issues now since the second guy she slept with was a friend of hers. Don't think I could cope with her hanging out with him knowing that they had casual sex multiple times.

 

Wish I could rewind back time just to be with the one I was in love with. I just don't understand what went through her mind when she slept around when she was convinced herself I was the one. Apparently she wanted companionship. Guess she's not the one for me. How could the one for you do such things? Looks like I'm back to square one. It just does my head in that she says it's no big deal as there were no emotions involved and yet let me kiss her and fool around while still shagging other guys. I'm just really hurt that she could just have sex with anyone, something that we intimately shared with each other. Things are so sh*t for me at the moment. I so want to move on and forget about her, yet I want my old girl back.

 

I was stuck in that rut for quite a while, mate. But you've got to just accept that the girl you loved doesn't exist any more. It's sad, but it's just the way it is. I hope you can start to feel better about it soon. I know how painful it is. My breakup was four months ago (her decision) and I'm still not over it. I'm better than I was, but certainly not over it. No contact (as everyone will tell you) is the way to start moving on. I want my old girl back, but I'm not gonna get her, or my youth, or any of the other things that happened in the past. The past is the past, you've only got now and the future to make the most of your life.

[andrew-bkk]

Yes I think you have lost her. However, if you ever hope to re-kindle something then I think you've got to look at it as you lost the person she was, but this is a new 'her'. I have absolutely no practical advice on how you might do that, or even if it's possible, I just think it will be too difficult to try to re-connect with who she was, because that person is gone.

 

Yep, she's gone. And she's gone for good.

 

Let me tell you a true story.

 

I'm 46 and English. My ex is 36 and Thai. We've got a son who's 5. And we were together for ten and a half years. Oh, and we live in Thailand.

 

A few months ago, she met HIM. And he is 63. And that was the beginning of the end.

 

One day -- while we were still living together -- we had a massive argument. She got into her car and drove off. A few minutes she phoned me. This is what she said.........

 

Go back to England little boy. I want to FCK old men. He FCKs me all night. It's so wonderful.

 

At that point, I realized that this was the new "her". More importantly, I realized that I had never really known the woman I had spent more than ten years with. I realized that I had never really known who my son's mother actually was.

 

Separation followed.

 

Talk about reconciliation followed.

 

Attempts at friendship followed.

 

But it's all done now.

 

The woman you thought you knew was actually never that woman.

 

Go NC. Move on.

 

It hurts a lot at first. But if you're strong, you'll be over it much quicker than you think.

[paperbag111]

Sorry to hear that andrew-bkk. I just hate it that you think you know your love inside and out and for them to 'spit' in your face and change into someone that you would not recognize is just plain heartbreaking.

 

I did manage to move on for nearly a month until to broke NC and since have been back at square one. I can't go back to her, she doesn't exist anymore.

 

Spoke to her recently and she goes on and on about how technically we were single, but as soon as I asked her to close her eyes and put her in my shoes, to imagine what it would be like if I had broke up with her, being the love of her life and f**k around not long after the break up...she had nothing to say. Hope that was a sign that she really regrets sleeping around. If she did manage to imagine what it would feel like, it's nothing compared to what I have gone through.

[LuckyClover]

IDK guys.. I'm starting to think that all women are the same. Seriously it's always the same thing. You're in love, she's in love and then she meets someone else and she changes her mind. She changes and because of it we suffer. There are so many player creators out there now it's no wonder guys are asssholes and treat women like shiit.. It's probably because those guys have been shiit on so many times in life that they just don't give a *uck. I have to see my xgf at work everyday.. and everyday she looks more and more beautiful. More and more happy. I get to see my xw move on with her life with her new man and be so happy in front of me and our kids.. Good for them, but what about me. What about the guy who never cheated.. The one who treated each of them like they were worth more then my own life. Frankly it pisses me off and I'm not sure if I can trust any woman when she says "I love you". But you know what, screw it, just relax and go with the flow.. Don't put too much into it.. numb your feelings and see if she's learned her lesson. Can't people regret what they did and learn to be the person she should have been from the gate? Or maybe deep down you don't want to.. I don't want to with my ex's because they don't deserve me.. It's not that I don't still love them and hurt daily over my losses, but because I'm hoping and praying that one day I'll find her, the right one for me, and then what I thought I had was nothing compared to this girl that is perfect in every way. I don't want to settle for second rate. I would have never made the same mistakes as they made in the first place.. so to me, those girls will never be her. They will never be my true love. I hear of people being married for over 20 years getting divorces... Really?? That's so comforting to know it could happen even on our way out of this life. Sorry I know this wasn't encouraging but these type of women piss me off. Chin up guys, you're not alone.. Let's just focus on us and let them come to us.

[paperbag111]

Okay, another month has passed and she has contacted me. Turns out she's been thinking a lot and is regretting everything that has happened during our times apart. She hinted that she wants to get back together but still confused.

 

What do I do? I still love her yet I hate her for what she has done and I can't seem to get her out of my mind and try to move on. I need some advice guys and girls. What would you do? I know some of you have said that "that girl is long gone, she does not exist anymore".

 

Here are my thinking process.

 

 

Pros:

*It's been the best relationship that either of us has ever had.

*I still love her to bits.

*I still miss her everyday.

*She was the one.

*We were everything to each other.

*Her best friends reckons we should get back together after hearing what the ex had to say about her feelings.

*I believe that in the bigger picture I will be happy again.

*Before the break people have said we were a match made in heaven, something to that effect.

*I know deep down inside she really regrets things and hates herself (I'm hoping this means she won't do it again).

*I feel as though we can move on and forgive her.

*Plenty of couples have been in the same situation and have gotten back together and have never looked back.

*We both had dreams of getting married with each other.

*She wishes she could take back everything and go back to the way it use to be. She has cried so many times saying sorry for hurting me. (Has she realised what she did was a mistake?).

*She told me that she has never felt this way.

*There's been so many little things that we've done for each other (It is the little things that make a relationship).

 

Cons:

*She's slept around. (One of them not too long after she broke up with me)

*She had casual sex with her friend multiple times sober.

*Don't think I can cope with her new attitude of nothing wrong with people wanting to have sex (casually), yet I do.

*She doesn't deserve me.

*Not too sure if I will ever 100% forgive her.

 

 

I know some of my points are contradicting and it seems clear cut that I shouldn't get back with her but I'm still very confused. It's been nearly half a year now. I'm feeling a lot better now than day 1 but I haven't been the same, I've lost a lot of joy and happiness. I still dream about her a lot, even of us getting married. Is this my second chance with her?

[dk.bnz.chi]

ur girl broke up w u,u love her,come here and learn some "tricks" and get her back,she breaks up again cuz she's a cunt and u feel bad ,but then u feel better cuz u read LS and see that other people r miserable and u feel better. u get drunk and u call her and ask her if she wants a peanut butter jelly sandwich and she agrees and u guys make love,and the next day she leaves and u're back here with another post.

f..k this,man up and go buy some perfume(salvador dali-le roy soleil,the best) and shoes,and go tell ur mum and dad that u love them.

that's it 4 the first day

[deuces]

I just hate it that you think you know your love inside and out and for them to 'spit' in your face and change into someone that you would not recognize is just plain heartbreaking.

 

I totally feel this. It is heart wrenching. To know someone for so long and they turn into something unrecognizable and to make you question the love you shared is just plain agonizing. It's been 4 months for me and while I can now manage to get out of bed, my inspiration and drive seem to be at an all time low. I hope that whatever path you decide, you continue to stick up for yourself and not allow yourself to be walked on.

[paperbag111]

Thanks Deuces,

It is unbearable. Like you, I'm still able to get out of bed in the morning after nearly 6 months. I find that she still pops into my mind very often but I just tell myself that maybe things happen for a reason. Thanks for the kind words, I'm sure we're both feeling a lot better now than day 1.

[paperbag111]

and yes, I'm going to continue to stick up for myself and not let her walk all over me.

[voels]

I feel you bro. Although my ex doesnt sleep around, I still feel the pain. The moment she dumped me, she went out with a bunch of guys and have a lot of fun. It sadden me.

Edited December 15, 2010 by voels

[paperbag111]

Bit of an update.

 

I haven't spoken to her in a week or two, don't actually keep track anymore. Out of the blue she called me, I picked up and we had a chat and she asked me how I'm doing and coping. Putting on a strong voice, I said I was doing great and said that I'm over it, that I couldn't give a rat's ass anymore after 6 or so months. It was tough saying that but a little while after we hung up...IT FELT GREAT especially when I heard her voice a little shakey. Don't really know how to describe it but it sounded like she was about to tear up. She said she was upset that this was going to be it, thing is she was the one who broke up with me and slept around so in reality she had no right. Although I do admit that it's mean to make her upset, it feels good for me to know that she is upset that I've made a decision not to pursue her anymore. But it's HER LOSS! It was her decision, her mistakes, her fault for breaking my heart. Told her I don't need her anymore, I'm not going to be friends with her, going to keep my distance and don't expect me to talk to her. I literally said "I'M F**KING OVER IT!".

 

Pretty much who ever is going through a rough time especially when the other slept around, keep NC. Although my NC was on and off, which I regret breaking multiple times, it gives you time to reflect on things. For me the most recent NC only lasted a week or two before she called me but it was enough for me to grow some balls and click back to reality and realize that she does not deserve me and the girl I fell in love with is no longer there. The moment she f**cked guys, the girl I loved died.

 

Having said all this, I still love her but as time goes by, my love for her will die as I have made up my mind that I'm not going to pursue her anymore, so I'll still be on LS reading and writing but as a famous person said "I'm a slow walker, but I never walk back". I'm far from over her but I'm not going backwards anymore.

 

Reading from another thread, the longer you hold on, the less time you'll have with your real love. She's out there somewhere looking and waiting to run into you and be with you.

 

(again excuse bad grammar, it's really early in the part of the world I'm at.)